anita i just read your post.  very insightful.  it does make a lot of sense.  there are a few things that are different.

I’m not afraid to be alone.  I was alone for two years after I separated from my wife and was perfectly happy.  I would prefer it instead of living with my girlfriend.  I can’t move out tho, i don’t have any money, credit cards are maxed, nothing i can “borrow”.  in fact i did a budget for myself for the next year trying to figure out how to get some money and I found out i’ll be lucky to have $400 a month for food and gas, let alone any emergencies or spending or savings.  I went into this deep of debt helping my girlfriend, thinking thing would get better for her and she would be able to help back, but they just got worse.

I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel right now financially.  And how ever I am doing she is worse off with money.

I feel like I am in a lose lose situation.

I do care for her and her kids.  I don’t want to hurt them anymore, but I don’t want them on the street either.

Believe me, I wish I had the money to move out, or to help her move out.  If i could afford it i would even pay her rent somewhere else.

For me to move it would cost me at least $4000.  for her it would probably cost a minimum of $2500 depending on if we could even find an apartment cheap enough.  That’s just something neither of us have and would take at least a year to save up.

back to what you posted.  I do see that excitement you were talking about.  That longing i have.  Maybe it’s not for my ex, but just that feeling.  but if that is the case, why do i think just about her, her face, her smile, her touch.  I didn’t need to go on trips and have fun with her.  With her i would have been more than willing to be more broke than i am now just to take care of her so we could live together.

There are so many dynamics of this relationship i am in now that relate to me and my ex.  1. my girlfriend has told me all she wants to do is love me.  2.  she told me she doesn’t care if we are broke, as long as we are together.  3. she would do anything for me, if i asked her to move out of state she would without hesitation.  4.  she looks at me how I used to look at my ex.  There are lots and lots more.  It is still weird to me how it feels like i’m in the same relationship only i’m in my ex’s shoes now.

What i don’t understand is if i am afraid to be alone or need that comfort of someone, then why can’t i embrace my girlfriend now and let her love me like she wants to?

All i know for sure is that whatever it is, i miss it.   Terribly.  I’m tired.  So tired of thinking about her every single morning when i wake up and being the last thing i think of before i go to sleep.  It’s so bad that when there is a moment i’m not thinking about her, i get excited and then i do start thinking about her unwillingly.  I don’t know how to not.  It absolutely consumes me.  I’ll be honest, it has been very hard to not contact her.  I have been fighting it with every part of me.  The last time we texted was new years eve.  This has been the longest stretch.   before this 3 months was the longest.

I need to go,  writing about this has brought tears to my eyes again.

I really do appreciate all of you and your patience and still responding to me .  this is the only vent i really have.  I hope i can build the courage to do what i need to do and stand by it.   Thanks again.

Valora, yes i have considered it (counseling).  The problem again is $$$$.  I can barely afford to keep food on the table anymore.  a good example is that last time i went grocery shopping I had to buy 2 cases of cups  of noodles.   Its freaking ridiculous.  With the money I make and having two incomes.  I should be thriving.  But her not being able to contribute…  and she hasn’t ever gotten ahead or really been able to help.   In fact she had to use her visa card to pay her phone last month.  That’s another issue tho.  back to your idea.  I think counseling would be good.  especially if we each had one on one time.  Then the counselor could help her see that we aren’t good together.

For her to move.  She would have to find at least a two bedroom apartment.  Those average around $900.  so first, last = $1800.  Deposit, usually $200-$600.  For me it’s even more cause i would need a house or if I got an apartment would have to rent one big ass shop/storage to store all of my stuff.

I do think you are right about finding the right person to get that feeling back.  Now, i just feel resentment, regret, guilt, pity, guilt, remorse, guilt.  did i say guilt?  I wish i would have never moved her in.  I really think that was the worse thing I ever did.(well i say that about a lot of things..)

Anyway, it’s been almost 2 years and I still think about my ex every day. I do not allow it to consume me, but it very easily could if I let it. I also miss him dearly, and my mind also wants to think he is THE ONE, likely because I haven’t found anyone else yet that I have a similar connection with that comes even close to what I felt with him. So I get what you’re feeling. I just remind myself often that there are lots of guys that I haven’t met yet and my mind doesn’t know my connection with those guys. You might want to try reminding yourself that there are millions of women that you haven’t met yet, too. Your mind doesn’t REALLY know, even though it thinks it does. And it’s okay to love your ex and to think she’s special to you, but just remain open to other possibilities. That’s the key.

Thanks for this.  It helps.  I do love my ex.  a lot.  I know she is happy.   I know if she wanted me back she would have taken measures to get me back.  It’s very hard to explain this feeling i still have.  This weird  connection I still feel with her.  Maybe i’m high, but maybe not.  The last time i was feeling this.  I mean really feeling it, I was wondering to myself if she’s out there thinking of me.  (This was when we weren’t talking before the last time we started talking again.) It wasn’t long after that that she reached out and contacted me, we started talking and very shortly after that is when she told me “she thinks of me often”.  I really do believe she does miss me in a way and misses what her and I had also.  Like she told me once “I was in a beautiful relationship with a man”.  she was referring to me.  It was beautiful.  I do know now that it was not all my fault why she left.  I do catch myself thinking that “why didn’t i do this or say that, maybe that would have changed things”  But really, she is the one that couldn’t really tell me how she is feeling.  She is the one that may or may not have cheated on me or started talking to someone before we broke up.  She is the one that didn’t like to communicate and kept me available at her convenience.  When is she would have made me feel like I was a priority once in a while.  Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so needy and clingy.  trying to control our time together so I could know i was going to see her.  Maybe that was a recipe for disaster in itself.  and now…  It’s the same, but i’m in different shoes.  The difference is i have told my girlfriend how i  feel, what i think.  I even told her one night that sometimes, she needs to keep her opinion and thoughts to herself, because she assumes things that aren’t true and makes up scenarios in her head.  Like yesterday.  I had to run to the store to get laundry and dish soap.  When I got in my truck i was texting her oldest daughter(she just had a baby and is having a difficult time, so i was telling her things will be okay) and then i looked up and my girlfriend was standing right there.  She thought i was texting someone else.  So i had to show her my phone to prove it.  I know I created that thinking in her and I am deeply sorry for that, but damn.

I do think the sooner i can get my girlfriend and her kids out of my life, the better and the easier i will be able to heal.  I think having her there for me is a burden and it just magnifies the good that i did have with my ex instead of letting that fade into the past.

dang, i just spent 20 minutes on here!  I have to go for now.  Keep in touch, thank you again.  anita, i’ll address what you wrote next time I’m on here.

Notice how A Feeling is so important to you, how you long for that feeling every day, consumed by it. Feelings are most important for everyone, it is how we experience life. But in your situation everyone feels badly. Everyone suffers. Don’t you see that you need to make it better for everyone by digging yourself out of this hole, by stopping the bleeding?

Yes, i do see that.  I feel like however how hard i try, i feel guilty and see the hurt i cause and give in to try to make it better.  I know it’s not right.

I see this image in my mind: the world is falling apart, bombs exploding, building crumbling, children screaming in pain and yet,  here walks this grandfather with a flower in his hands, peeling of petal after petal: “She loves me-She loves me not-She loves me-She loves me not”.

Look around you- children are being hurt and harmed, money is being depleted and homelessness is a possibility, let go of that flower you are holding in your hands, looking at.. she-loves-me-she-loves-me-not. There are more important things at stake, other things to focus on, real life practical problems to attend to Now.

I don’t think it’s as much as she loves me, loves me not but just the pain and never getting the real closure i needed.  Never understanding why i wasn’t good enough for her to try, why she was just done in what felt like over a weekend(even though i have realized that it was something that was probably coming that she didn’t allow me to see or me see myself (an example is towards the end i told her I felt like i was losing her and she told me she wasn’t going anywhere), she just kept it to herself instead of talking to me about it and that too makes me have questions.  Yes i do wonder at times if there is anything left there even tho she seems happier than ever with her life and boyfriend now.

I can’t help that thinking.  I really do try to focus on my situation and position that me, my girlfriend, and our kids are in and how to fix it.  I can’t get those other thoughts out of my head.  I battle so hard with myself almost everyday.  I actually was screaming at myself today in my truck on the way to a job.  It’s like a contaminant in my brain that i can’t get rid of no matter how much I try to forget about that and worry about other issues i have that are critical in my life right now.

Mark, when i do need someone to talk or vent to my sister does listen.  I don’t like talking to my friends anymore about it because as you can imagine everyone is burnt out on my depression and problems.

I do see what you are saying though.  either take a shit or get off the pot.  The problem is every time i try to, I give in to the pain i see on my girlfriend’s face.  I know the hurt she feels and me causing that cripples my decision making ability even though i know it’s just prolonging and causing more hurt and pain for everyone.  I do know I need to do something before it’s too late.

anita, yes and no.  I need to spend some time looking over everything before I can give you an honest answer.  Unfortunately the only time i can look at this forum is at work, so my time is limited.

for everyone…  Friday was a crazy night.  I went my friends house to repair his garage door opener and furnace(i’m an electrician).  She already knew i was going there after work and that nobody was going to be there but me.  But she got insecure again, started blowing me up on my phone, very annoying.  She asked me if i was coming home or staying out there.  This was while i was in the middle of troubleshooting the control wiring(which was kicking my ass).  So i told her “honestly i don’t know what i want to do yet”  Meaning i wasn’t sure if i was going to come right home after or hang out for a minute after my friend got home.  She got very insecure.  I finally got finished and told her I was coming home.  When I was around the corner she texted and asked if I left yet.  I was being funny and said no, thinking I would surprise her in 10 seconds by walking through the door.  Well she wasn’t home.  She ended up going down to the bar.  So I went down there to talk to her.  She said she was very depressed and more…  I tried to get her to come home, we ended up staying there for a while.  She got absolute shit faced drunk.  We finally got out of there, the rest of the night was horrible.  We got in a couple big fights, yelling and screaming.   I told her that i’m done (again).  So then she started hyperventilating.  I had to help her breathe right.

This whole weekend she cried.  We talked a little here and there.  I told her that I just can’t do this anymore.  That I’m miserable every day and so is she.  That I need to be able to find myself again, that I’m not the man I used to be.  And that I can’t love anyone until I learn to love myself again.

So, of coarse she made it about her.  Why can’t you love me, what did I do, and so on.  I told her it’s not her so much as everything and our situation.  That I’m just worn out.  That there is always something here in our situation that is bad.  Always something that is causing stress, whether it has to do with the kids, or money, or friends, or whatever.  I told her that our relationship is the opposite of what it should be.  That the amount of bad times and good times is backwards for us.  An example is a couple weeks ago, we had a good night.  All of us was laughing we all had fun.  She said we should mark this day on the calendar.  That to me was an instant red flag.  If we only have good days that seldom that she thinks we should mark it on the calendar, then there is something wrong.

I need to go back to work.

I’ll leave you all with this.  As of right now I think she has finally realized that i am not in love with her.  That I do love her but no “in love” anymore.  And that every time we fight like this, we make up and she thinks every thing is fine when it’s not.  I think it finally sunk in to her. She just doesn’t understand how I can stop feeling for her like this.  i told her i’ve been feeling this for a while and every time i try to make it better, but you can’t force love.  That it either happens or it doesn’t.

I didn’t tell her this.  For me, this has been one hell of a learning experience.  That the dynamics of this is just like me and my ex except that my ex wasn’t living with me and when she was done so it was easier for her just to call it quits, she didn’t give me the chance or chances that I have given my girlfriend now.  I wish she would of, however knowing what I know now, i don’t think it would have mattered.  Just like things with my girlfriend and my feelings haven’t changed. They wouldn’t have changed with my ex.  I do know if we(me and my girlfriend) were not living together, then this would have been a lot easier to end and I would have ended it a long time ago.

It’s still very ironic and eye opening to me that this relationship turned out in a lot of ways like my old one, but i’m in the other seat this time.  just the fact that my girlfriend keeps telling me that she knows I love her and that things will get better.  kind of like how i’ve been saying that i have this feeling the my ex still has feelings for me.  I really hope this experience helps me get over my ex some more.  that I don’t ignore everything and can apply my feelings that i’ve had in this relationship towards my last one and any future ones I have.  It makes me think about how much I have tried and tried to make this work and if my ex did the same thing, but just never communicated with me about how she was really feeling or if she did and I was just too blind to see it.  All very crazy to me.

I really have to go to work.  talk to ya later.  thx for listening.