I’m thinking after  I re-read and answer all your questions and we get that all settled…  I’m going to have to take a break from this.  basically anything to do with her that reminds me of her.  this is insane.  I feel so helpless and pathetic.  i used to be so strong, anything would roll off of me.  now …  i don’t know what has happened to me.  I thank you all for your patience and support.  I will get back to you soon…

Anita, I’ll try to answer the best I can.

With my ex. What I meant by a fantasy or in the movies was that we fell in love hard and true. I do know that I fell for her harder and sooner than she did for me. But she was in love in a big way. That is what she showed me. We had nonstop communication throughout the majority of our relationship. We both were looking forward to the day that her youngest son graduated and left Home so she could live here with me. We referred to it as the two year plan. In fact we started talking about it after we were together for about 4 months. She was the one looking at houses in my area and was looking at work prospects here. She did things for me that I never had before. She was always thinking of me. It was seriously like a movie romance. Maybe I thought it was too good to be true and somehow subconsciously sabotaged it. She was even talking about marriage with me not even a month before the wedding weekend.  She even told me that she hoped her boys would grow up to be like me.

For me “waiting”. When things started getting hard for her it felt like I was getting pushed aside. Like I wasn’t important anymore. That’s when I started to panic. I thought I was doing something wrong. Which at that time I wasn’t. She just had too much shit and it was hard for her to share with me. When she did instead of listening and supporting I was trying to fix everything. With her, her kids, her work, and her family. That’s what caused her to pull away more. She told me this recently. Then my problem was in my insecurity I looked to the internet for anwsers. I read that in a long distance relationship that you should have set regular days or time together. You should talk every night if you can. And more. So I brought that up. That we need to start having one weekend together just us and try to have two nights a month during the week that we had dinner. And one weekend with us and the kids. I was trying to save something that I thought was failing and she saw it as me being needy and controlling. She needed to be able to take it day by day. No planning or set “schedules”.

what was hard for me to handle was that before all the shit hit. We had somewhat of a regular thing. She would call me certain times of the day and almost every night before bed. We would text on average at least once every couple hours and if I didn’t text she would miss me. When all of this slowed down. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t see that she was dealing with shit that had nothing to do with me and I took it personal like I was causing it. Which I eventually did by constantly bugging when she needed time and space.

I seriously could not read between the lines and I took everything as somethings my I was doing and in trying to make it better I made it worse. Even after we broke up I couldn’t leave it alone (surprise lol). I fell apart. I got on match within a week looking for something. Looking for her. (Figuratively). She found out. And that made things even worse. I know I made a lot of mistakes. I know she did too. She should of sat me down when she was noticing things and talked to me about them but she didn’t. Not until this last month did she really tell me everything. I know if she would of told me that she she was noticing I would of backed off. If she could of told me straight out that I was trying to fix her and all she wanted was me to listen and not give advice. Or if she really needed to get through this on her own. When she talked to me about her problems. I took it as a cry for help. Instead it was just a need to vent.

I think that’s one of the hardest things for me. I don’t feel like I ever got the chance to fix my problems with her. I know that maybe she was done and did t want to try. But I feel like if I could of. Things would of been better.

I feel cheated out of being able to make it better.  And now I feel like for her her world is finally coming together and what we were both waiting for is happening  she is moving out of the house she hated(it was her and her ex-husbands)  she is starting a new job which she hated her old one  and now she is finally getting out and doing things with friends where before she never did  only with me.  And I feel like some other guy gets to enjoy the butterfly I was waiting for.  I know it’s selfish, just how I feel.

As for my ex-wife. We basically grew into roommates living together. I think that’s why it didn’t hit me like this when she left. As time went on we just became close like best friends. She has been wonderful through all of this. Really been good support.

My sister lives on the other side of the US. I went and visited her about 3-4 years ago and she hasn’t been able to come over here because of her new business. And me going over there cost a lot. Between me and my girls. And time off work. I don’t have a lot of money. So…

with my oldest daughter. I only got her every other weekend (different mother than my other girls). So thAt was tough. She did live with me for a year then moved to my sisters. She took advantage of her and me.  Burned us both bad. It wasn’t until last December she came to me and aloplogized and admitted her wrongs. That’s why we are talking now.

I do have a good life. I have a great group of friends that would do anything for me. Family as well. My little girls are fantastic and they show me love everyday. I also have a potential life partner that wants nothing but to make me happy and she does. I try to enjoy what I have and do things to replace memories and make new ones.

May problem is that no matter of all this and how much I should be grateful and happy, I can’t stop missing her. All of everything else combined doesn’t make me as happy as I was with her. Just hearing her voice on a voicemail would make my day. Seeing her text that she loved me and missed me would make my week. Having a day with her would make my month. I know that sounds bad but that’s the way I felt. I was 100% head over heals in love with her. I would of done anything. (If I would of know that I didn’t need to do anything…) I’m afraid I still would. I can’t get over that feeling. I’m really trying. I’m trying to be thankful for what I have and embrace it all. But it feels like everything I do reminds me of her. Even camping this last weekend. I kept thinking about the last time we went camping together.

I don’t know this feeling. I never had it before. I just want to be done. I want to never think of her again. But then I still have hope that someday she will contact me again. How retarded is that?  I can’t let go and accept that she is happy without me. With someone else.

Jeeze. I’m writing a book again.

I hope I answered some things. If there are more, please chime in. I really appreciate it all. I know I’m hard headed and I’m tryimg to answer everything. So please be patient with me. Thank you all for your support. I really wish I would of found this website when things first started to get wierd.

Okay, i’m trying here.  I really am.  I’m trying to take all this in and use  your advice and accept everything you are saying.   It is very hard to not get defensive and understand this.

If i seem immature.  maybe I am?  Some of the things i do say though, that’s just the way i talk.

I am trying to push through it and move on with my life with other things and people.  It’s just hard.  I was building a life with her.  And then it was gone in what felt like overnight.  With her it may have been a couple months or more in the coming, but i was blind sighted.  Very hard to deal with.

the whole rejection thing.  Well i don’t know if i have an issue with that or not.  According to you i do.  So maybe i do.  Maybe an ego thing?  I never did before her.  even when my ex-wife left. I didn’t act this way with her.

Maybe I am co-dependat, although i was alone for 2 yrs before i met her, and when i dated before her i didn’t get like this.

I really need some time to re-read all of this again.  This is tough.  i’m trying to get a grip on it all and deal with it and move on.  It is hard.  I know i keep saying that, but it is.  She just felt so right.  I can’t explain it.  I thought she was the one for me.  maybe that is a rejection thing.  I thought i had my life partner after  looking for so long and now she is gone.  and with someone else.

I need some time to figure this out.

“She even told you that during the wedding weekend in Vegas a guy asked her to go back to his room with her and “make some bad decisions”. (Why she would even share that with you at all I don’t know, but maybe it’s because she was flattered by it and had to share it with others, even her boyfriend?)”

You know i never thought about this before, but she has always been a jealous type.  If it would of been reversed and i told her that.  she would of flipped out.  In fact our last night together we were at a halloween party.  She was dancing with a friend.  I went outside and bought a smoke off of some lady outside.  I was out there just smoking and taking(being polite) I even told that lady i was here with my GF.  She came out side looking for me and lost her cool because i was having a conversation with some other woman.  Even though she new i would never do anything or have thoughts of this.  Come to think of it.   After her vegas weekend i was with her and I was talking to our receptionist at work.  She was listening to the conversation and said something about me flirting or being a flirt.  I can’t remember.  But I wasn’t…

I really don’t know or never will what happened to change all of this.  I honestly think something did happen that weekend.  She may have not cheated, but she may have messed around or flirted.  And after that felt guilty and i was the fall out.  Because that is when everything changed.  I know if it would of been me going away for a weekend like that and then coming back and acting the way she did.  She would of automatically assumed the worst.

Dang, okay how bout this.  I just remembered.  Before that weekend we had talked about things all the time.  One of them was that neither of us would ever cheat on each other.  We both have been cheated on before and would never do that.  After that weekend she had told me “IF” i ever cheated on you I would break up with you.  Why would it change from never to “IF” and that was the same weekend she told me about that guy.

It is pretty funny(not haha) how before that weekend, she was excited about when we get to live together and have a real life together, then after that weekend, cold fish.  and even mean.

I do have to quit blaming myself.  I know i made plenty of mistakes, but i was there trying to figure out what was happening and wanted to correct them.  She was the one that did not communicate with me like she should of.  She was the one that kept telling me everything was “fine” when it wasn’t.  She was the one that didn’t want to be completely honest with me about how she was feeling either.  It was both of us, but for me.  I was so on edge, I was afraid to do or say  anything else to lose her, where all she had to do was one of the times I asked her if it was ok.  Tell me we need to talk and sit down with me and tell me that she was seeing things in me that we’re turning her away.  Things that i could of easily worked on or fixed if i would of known.  Things that I fix about myself now.  I don’t want to ever be that guy that i “changed” into.

Yes, she was the woman of my dreams.  She is beautiful, successful, funny, loves a lot of the same things I do, Sexy, loves being a mother and great with my girls.  She was nothing I ever expected I would end up with.  I know i’ve always had a low self esteem.(probably from my upbringing).  And to have someone like that love me?  I was taken back.  I didn’t know how to behave and I guess maybe that is the hard thing.  Losing that and the rejection.  Feeling like i will never get a woman like that again.

So Yesterday was a tough one for me.  I did think about her pretty much all day.  But today is a new one.  I’m trying to forget.  I know it will take a long time.  But i am.