Dear Murtaza:

In this post I will not try to produce a focused, coherent essay of sorts, no particular purpose or agenda to it. I located your first thread “I can’t cry anymore”, June 17- Nov 8, 2020. I went through 4 out of the 8 pages,  and will quote from these four pages. When I quote you, I will make minor editing changes, correcting grammar and spelling so to make the reading easier for me to process.

In your recent posts to Peter (May 27 & 30, 2021), you clearly expressed your opinion that he (as a “normie”) is intellectually inferior to you. You expressed this attitude in regard  to “normies” before: that you are intellectually superior to them. It is nice that you let Peter know at the end of your second post to him, that you think that he is a nice person.. but no one likes to be treated as inferior. I don’t. I don’t know if my luck ran out already and I have joined the “normies”, in your mind, and now you consider me intellectually inferior to you. I wouldn’t like it, not at all (I already don’t as I imagine it).

No one likes to be treated as inferior, and it is wrong to treat others as such, particularly people reaching out to you with the intent to help you, however little, however unsuccessful.

I communicated with Peter myself, years ago, and in my experience looking back, he is not intellectually inferior to you. His writing is largely figurative, and I have trouble understanding it (I need concrete writing), but there are members who prefer his writing over mine and respond to him while not responding to me. We have to tolerate differences without judging them as inferior, or superior.

On June 17 last year, almost a year ago, you wrote in regard to me: “One of the reasons I signed up here was you. I saw your reply on an old thread and liked how you responded. To be honest, I wanted to talk to you (not about my problems or anything just talking really, because you seem like a person who knows life…) but it seems this site doesn’t have this feature.. There aren’t a lot of people I know, to be honest…I wish I knew a person like you in real life, just someone who understands me and listens to me, someone I could trust and be safe with. I wish I could hug such person and cry. It doesnt have to be relationship…. I feel bad because I’m wasting your time to be honest. I know I’m not gonna do anything about this stuff and I’m just taking your time and energy. I like talking to you cause you really pay attention to what I say. You also sound very wise and I like that”-

– If I take what you wrote at the time concretely, and not figuratively, then what you were saying is that you want to interact with me so to feel better, but not so to consider anything I say as a motivation to make any practical change to your life. You wanted me to pay attention to what you say- not to motivate you to make a single practical difference in your life, however small.

“I suppress my anger, and recently I decided that anger is just a toxic emotion and I will try not to be angry… There is nothing I can do with anger. Most of my experiences with it were bad… For me, anger only has bad consequences, if I release it.  And to answer your future question: there is no healthy way of releasing it, for me.. If I don’t release it, I have the same bad consequences. Therefore it’s toxic and there is no escape but to get away from anything that makes me angry.”

I asked you:  “I wonder about your anger: who hurt you and how?”  You answered: “No one hurt me. I just like using logic over feelings. I just don’t see a point of anger”.

I asked: “You mean all  this pain in you, and no one caused any of it?” You answered: “ Well, I don’t remember caring for anyone enough to let him hurt me… It doesnt matter really. I’m me now, and I don’t think I will ever change my mind about life, unless I see something worth living. Sadly, I see most of the things pointless”-

– I am sure that it is not true that no one hurt you, you shared enough about people hurting you when you were a child. “no one hurt me”- that’s a lie you said to yourself (and to me) at the time. You wrote that you don’t remember caring for anyone to let him hurt you, but I have no doubt that you deeply cared for others early on, very much so.

You were hurt, you got angry, and nothing you felt and did made any difference, so Nothing Matters became the theme of your life, as well as I will not consider anything until I see proof -another theme.

“The thing I fantasize about: being in love with a woman. Don’t tell me it could happen cause I know for sure it can’t-  my life is a living proof. Even if I find the woman I want (which in the middle east is gonna be really hard)..,  there are a 100 things that will come between me and the fantasy. So, I decided: why bother when I can have what I desire in my mind. It’s better than reality anyway… I actually don’t want to be in a relationship because I will probably end up in bad one”-

– there is proof that Fantasy can substitute Reality.

“This is my point: to suffer less till the end.. I’m alone with no help whatsoever, not even from myself. with no purpose to live for, and I don’t know anything about life really… I cant make people love me, and the way I live and think isnt very loveable to people… I don’t know anything about life tbh”-

– and you are absolutely resisting any learning unless there is proof that such learning will guarantee you personally a better life. Because such proof is impossible to come by… you are not open to learning anything different from what you already know.

“I  just haven’t seen any prove that free will exist”- free will exists. I have proof.

“I’m 20, I live with my family. I live in the middle east so its different. I have no job..  I was student and dropped out.. I got my father retirement, so I don’t need money”, “I hate society and everyone that follows it. Perhaps hate is a big word. But I just want nothing to do with this society and its people. I just hate the fact that most females don’t like me. In fact, I feel they would feel Disgust when they know me, and  I dislike when I see a weak female, not because she is weak, but because I know I can’t fulfill her needs. Just telling a female that I don’t have a job, she would respect me less. In fact she wouldn’t respect me at all”.

“I actually think this is the best life I can ever get. I really can’t imagine a better life”- you = referred to your life in the title of your first thread of June 2020: “I can’t cry anymore“, and recently, in the title of your second thread, May 1 2021: “wouldn’t be a mercy if I just ended my life?”-  this is not “best life” in any reputable dictionary anywhere in the world. Not even in your private dictionary. I have proof of that.

anita

Dear Murtaza,

just to be clear, I think you are special, like we all are in our unique way. And I do validate you as a unique human being, with your unique gifts and talents. I can’t validate your thinking though, because it stands in the way of you expressing your essence.

Dear Murtaza:

“when it comes to understanding myself and my situation, I am better at judging and advising”- I wonder why you addressed the following question to.. the normies in this site who are way less qualified to judge and advise you: “wouldn’t be a mercy if I just ended my life?” (the title of your thread).

“one thing that I feel superior to norimes, is not caring about having my basic needs met, not needing anyone or anything, even needs themselves, I actually re defined needs, for me needs is something you can’t live without, and by can’t I mean death, not misery, not basic desires”- I don’t know if being okay with being miserable is a superior attitude, even if you were okay with being miserable. Clearly you are not okay with being miserable (much evidence to this, including the title of your thread).

I wrote to you that it is wrong to treat others as inferior to you, referring to your treatment of Peter. Your response: “really?” My answer: yes, really!

“Tell that to society, that has been treating me as inferior my whole life”- I am telling anyone who is reading my words: please do not treat anyone as inferior (or superior) to you in human value. Treat others respectfully, please!!!

“wrong you say?”- yes, wrong I say.

“by what standard, who said it’s wrong?”- I say it’s wrong, and the standard is my interest in decent human behavior that will hopefully make the world a better place for all of us.

I wrote to you that it is wrong to treat people as inferior to you, particularly people who are reaching out to help you, if only just a bit. Your response: “their help hurts me, every time”. My comment: better than that you stop asking for help.

“people will say the same .. boring.. thing ‘a permanent solution to a temporary problem’.. you too stupid to realize that some problems are permanent”-

– regarding the saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem- this is indeed an all-or-nothing-thinking statement (truth is more complex: death is permanent, but many problems are also permanent), but to correct this sentence and make it true in all its complexity, a paragraph or a page will need to be written. A desperate person considering suicide does not have the time and patience to read or listen to a whole paragraph or page. Therefore, a  catchy (easy to remember, quick to say) saying such as this is practical, true-enough, and it helped lots and lots of people who were glad to have endured a difficult time.

“from the little interaction I had with (Peter), and knowing me, he is in fact superior to me”- why is it necessary for one to be Inferior or Superior? How about Equal???

“I see people as a resource”- a resource of normie sayings that cause you pain?

“I never wanna change, I prefer death, its either my way, or no way”- this is your all-or-nothing-thinking, change some things, not every thing!

“the here and now me.. can’t be hurt”- an untrue statement, evidence to the contrary in your threads is massive.

I stated your “Nothing Matters” attitude, you wrote: “apathy is my greatest virtue”- apathy means a lack of emotions. The Murtaza I  know failed in his pursuit of apathy: he feels too much!

“my life have enough proofs to the superiority of fantasy”- mine too, but in between the fantasies, (and because of the fantasies), reality looks worse than what it is: the fantasies pick you up and when a fantasy is over, you fall a long way.

(The sentence I wrote just above is a generality, it does not include all the complexities involved, but then.. I don’t want to expand on it and make it much longer and distract from the point I am making).

“death is the next logical step”- death will happen soon enough, Murtaza: it’s nature’s way, it is not a matter of logic. (Again, I  know there is more complexity to the topic such as self- determining the timing of death, but I don’t want to distract from my point).

I wrote to you: “free will exists. I have proof”. You wrote: ” not to me” and you added a laughing face emoji. Your addition of the emoji was an act of free will.

You defined a normies this way: “people that can’t understand me, that can’t accept (that) some people are doomed, some people like me, and the best option for these people is to spear them away, I just want to hear it, this truth, from someone like you… I wish.. that I will be loved.. but we both know that this isn’t gonna happen, there is a part of me, still hopes.. tell me the truth”-

– the truth is that I feel love for you. Adding complexity to this statement: it is a feeling that I didn’t want to feel for the longest time, irl (outside of my own fantasy). Didn’t care for it, it hurt too much to feel it. Unless you, Murtaza, become aggressive toward me, I will never withdraw from your thread. If the website disappears somehow, before it does- I will give you my email so that we can continue to communicate, for as long as you want to.

anita

I wonder why you addressed the following question to.. the normies in this site who are way less qualified to judge and advise you

i didn’t address it to normies, i address it in the hope of finding a none normie person that can agree with me, agree on my logic

So anyone who challenges your thinking must disagrees with it, (all or nothing), and disagreeing is a normie to be dismissed?  If you are certain in your reasonings why reach out? Why the need to find someone exactly like minded?

i believe in the here and now, the past is already gone, and whatever has been produce from such past, can’t live here

That’s why you say you’re “created in a way that guarantees misery”  i say this because of the combination of my past and current needs and desire and beliefs and values and goals

If the past can’t exist in the now, why should it influence the present, why not choose your present as you will?  Viktor Frankl  argued (and Science backs up) that “Between stimulus and response there is a space.  In that space is our power to choose our response.  In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” He talks only of the possibility. His observation in the concentration camps shows that most will not choose but instead summit to fate. Either way end was the same for those that choose to respond with ‘grace’ or those that gave didn’t. Only the inner experience of the moment was different.

It is true that the ability to choose and what is chosen in a moment may be determined by the cards a person one has been dealt. The choice a illusion of fate.  Still the process between stimulus and response exists and so the fate of the possibility of picking new cards.  The past is gone, the end determined, yet their is space between that fate allows us to play with. Why not play? The past is gone, their is no requirement that we hold on to all the cards we were given, especially the ones that only exist as memory. A duality and paradox, Fate and choice existing in the same moment?

In the space between stimulus and response we filter the present moment though the filters of our fears, hopes, expectations desire… almost all of which are based on memory of the past and memory is a trickster.

Dear Murtaza,

You also believe that your way of thinking is not something you have chosen but something you were born with

i think this believe is based on a lot of observation and thinking, also science

It’s based on your observation and thinking. And no, it’s not based in science because science has proven that there’s such a thing as neuroplasticity – our ability to create new neural networks in the brain, i.e. new ways of thinking and reacting. You could change your thinking if you’d want to. Literally, your neurons could “fire” in different ways, and your entire thinking and reasoning could change. That’s based on science. But I understand you don’t want to change your thinking. That’s your free will.

You said to anita:

i sound aggressive for a reason, protection, now that you know me, i don’t need much protection

I believe the need for protection is very strong in you. There are more parts in you, including the wounded inner child, however they are suppressed by a very strong protector part (you can look up the Internal Family Systems theory, which talks about different parts of our personality). This protector part came up with this entire reasoning, according to which you’re created differently and don’t have free will to change. It’s a belief system, a mental construct, which serves a purpose. And I believe the purpose is to protect you from pain which you don’t want to experience again. You’ve experienced it in your childhood, and you don’t want to experience it ever again.

You don’t want to work on healing your wounds, because it’s not the “easy way”. It requires facing the pain, healing the wounds, re-writing the false imprints from your childhood. It’s possible. It’s actually how neuroplasticity takes place. But it’s work, yes, and you don’t want it.

I understand you, because there’s no guarantee that even if you heal, you won’t be hurt again. Even if you heal, you still might face disappointment and people rejecting you, which would cause new pain. So there’s no guarantee. Conclusion: it’s easier to not even get into this whole healing business, to not even want it. That’s the easy way.

However, there’s another layer in your protective shield: you don’t want to admit that you don’t want to change. Rather, you say “I am programmed not to want it”. That’s how you protect yourself from guilt. You say you have a lot of guilt:

i feel guilty, guilt is something i can’t endure, i have a lot of it, and i come online to just have less,

So, to avoid guilt, you say “it’s not my lack of will to change – it’s how I am created”. This way nobody can blame you for taking the easy way. You have a really clever protector who covered all bases. But other parts are suffering. Your protector part keeps them suppressed.

Healing is possible, but you’d need to be willing to dismantle the protector, and it seems like you’re not willing to do that, at least not at the moment.