Dear Murtaza:

If I may say so, you are brilliant. What I am clear about is that in no way do I feel intellectually superior to you and it tickles my mind to think that at one point I guess, I thought I was.. that I could change your thinking because mine was superior to yours, that I knew better. I laugh at the idea, at this moment. At this time I am typing just as the thoughts and feelings flow out, not editing anything.

My purpose posting to you is no longer to change you, nor is it my purpose to make you like me by writing what I think you would like to read. Also, I am not sure that you want to read from me because you didn’t address me in your recent posts. So, if you want to read from me in the future, address me by name, will you?

My purpose in posting to you right now is .. well, I enjoy it, it’s fun for me this morning to entertain your thoughts in your recent post and respond to them (I correct some of the grammar and punctuation when I quote you because it helps me to process your thoughts better):

“I really don’t care how I was created, I only know for a fact that the result of me (this person right here) thinks and acts differently from other people. Yes, it does guarantee misery. Part of my programming (that guarantees misery) is to do that, it’s all part of the programming, I’m just aware of such programming. Programming is a wider word: my upbringing and genes and environment, all make me this person right here, whatever I do, whatever I think, whatever beliefs and values I have- all go back (when we ask enough why) to the same rabbit hole, the same uncontrollable things: genes and environment. I simply know the facts, aware of them. You should live in Iraq for a change, and say that these conclusions aren’t based on the country and house I live in”.

“Try living in my mind, without any joy of anything, without a motivation to change, with only few goals (easy way/being not human), then you can advise me, and I can take such advice in account. If my little sister advised me about something, I will take her advice seriously. I’m basically waiting for death.. I promised myself two things: one is that I do everything by my rules and my way, two: that the only trying I’m going to do to so to improve anything would be death- otherwise I’m staying like this.. Then a normie says to me ‘permanent solution to temporary problem’ sure, your problems are temporary, I really don’t care who judges my life, cause they are all wrong, the only one who can judge it is me”.

My thoughts: part of me hopes that no one but you is reading this part of my post, but I know others will read it as well. I wish no one else reads it because it is quite dark, pessimistic and people like optimism.. no one wants to face the dark truth. The saying that death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, or temporary problems is half true: death is permanent but the problems humanity faces were never temporary and they are getting worse. It’s not only in Iraq: the U.S. is moving toward autocracy, led by the likes of an evil, truly narcissistic man and his fans- it’s in the neighborhood where I live, in the taproom I told you about. Last summer, in the midst of the pandemic and civil unrest in the U.S., for a few days the sky was covered by smoke coming from massive wild fires, no sun, no blue sky- it had the feeling of the-end-of-the-world.

It was not just a feeling: taking into account that our planet is becoming more and more uninhabitable, unfriendly to human (and other) life, the climate change and the U.S. moving toward authoritarianism, to be led by people who deny climate change and will not do anything to slow it down.. is there a reasonable way to deny where we are going, what we are approaching???

I’ve known this for a long time and I think a lot of people know this, but naturally we deny because we don’t want.. or we can’t hold in awareness this truth, not for too  long. People who know how bad it is, scientists who have access to the public- they try to be optimistic because they don’t want millions of people to panic.. and people will turn against a truth teller if they get scared enough.

I am not rushing to die, like you seem to be, at times, wanting to make it sooner than later because I still find life interesting- notice, not necessarily joyful.. hardly ever (I do feel pretty good though as I type this), but interesting often feels good enough!

See the exclamation mark right above- I was going to erase it, feeling wrong about it, but remembered that I am not editing. I always hated the word Happy and an “!” suggests Happy. I use it in some posts but I feel more authentic with you.

I hope you are reading this post patiently because it is long and has a lot in it. More in regard to what I quoted from you: programming by the environment can be as powerful as programming by genetics. As a matter of fact, the environment, such as the experience in childhood, changes our genes. The two: nature (genes) and nurture (the environment) are not separate entities, they interact with each other. I understand you not caring which of the two is responsible for what part of you because they are both powerful and both indeed – unfortunately, I wish it was not so- almost guarantee misery in that humanity is in such deep, deep trouble. We are close to the end result of irresponsible, corrupt and evil politicians and those others in power over the masses of people.

You wrote: “I’m just aware of such programming.. I simply know the facts, aware of them”- like I wrote before, people can’t hold such awareness for too long, the end-of-the-world awareness. You’ve been holding maybe the .. end-of-Murtaza’s-world in awareness for a long time. How strange, to think and talk about one own’s death- no greater denial than the personal reality of (100% guaranteed) death. This person now typing these words with a brain able to imagine the most beautiful sceneries and magical happenings, all within my brain: colors and images.. and sometimes, remembering the hopes and dreams and desires of childhood, early childhood when all seemed possible.. all this ending in death, all this magic, hope and desire of long-gone past.. it’s hard to grasp.

“I promised myself.. that I do everything by my rules and my way“- talking about all that is uncontrollable in our lives, the rabbit hole you mentioned, this sentence I just italicized is very powerful, meaning it feels powerful to me. I like it. I want to do the same thing myself.. I mean.. not to live by your rules and your way, but by my own.

anita

Dear Murtaza:

When I said that I quit earlier, I meant that I quit discussing what does not interest me and/ or when I don’t see the use for the discussion. But I do want to read from you and reply to you any time you post- I will simply skip a topic that I don’t want to reply to. It is possible that I skip a topic that you bring up not because I don’t want to address it, but because I didn’t notice it, or got caught up in another topic- in which case, repeat the topic in a future post.

As to the mercy killing topic that you brought up: if a person’s life is 80% bad and 20% good, “wouldn’t it be a mercy, a morally good thing to actually kill the person?”- the practice of voluntary euthanasia/ physician assisted suicide is legal in many places in the world, and it is about a certified medical doctor prescribing a lethal dose of drugs to a person who is suffering, and the purpose is mercy. One of the taproom regulars received such a prescription for his wife when she suffered from cancer, but she died before he filled that prescription. Assisted suicide is legal in parts of Europe, the U.S., Australia, and in Canada. People who want a physician-assisted suicide must meet certain criteria, including: having a terminal illness, proving they are of sound mind, voluntarily and repeatedly expressing their wish to die, and taking the specified, lethal dose of drugs by their own hand. I know this does not answer your specific question, but that’s as close as I get to answering it.

“I have a really low emotional intelligence.. I laugh when I want to cry, I laugh when I feel bothered, I don’t even know how to deal with anxiety, I ignore it, try to reassure myself- doesn’t work, the only thing that works is sleep.. I have a really low self esteem, and I really don’t know how to make it higher, emotion is like a mystery to me, I need steps, order, to know what to do, when I read online about regulating emotion, I just say ‘what on earth do I do?’ I actually would appreciate any kind of advice regarding this subject”-

– You asked for advice, so here it is: first thing for you to do is to stop trying to find a solution to suffering, stop looking for a way out- for the rest of 2021. For the rest of this year, give zero thought to ending your suffering, completely remove your attention from this topic. Do this today,  let me know how it feels for you, and we’ll take it from there (one step at a time).

anita

Dear Murtaza,

i laugh when i want to cry, i laugh when i feel bothered

If you laugh when you feel bothered, or you laugh when you feel sad, it could be because when you expressed “negative” emotions such as anger or sadness in your childhood, they were unacceptable to your parents, and you might have been punished or faced some other repercussions. You couldn’t express your negative emotions freely, therefore you chose to suppress them and instead cover them up with an “acceptable” emotion, such as laughter, feigning to be happy, or indifferent, or not bothered.

i have a really low emotional intelligence… emotion is like a mystery to me

In order to have emotional intelligence, we first need to know how we feel, so that we could recognize how the other person feels and e.g. have empathy for them. If you needed to suppress your own emotions and got disconnected from them – for the reasons I mentioned above – it can easily lead to lack of emotional intelligence.

i don’t even know how to deal with anxiety, i ignore it, try to re sure myeslf, doesn’t work, the only thing that works is sleep, otherwise the pain in my stomach never goes away, 

The pain in your stomach can be from your anxiety, and if I understood well, you’re anxious most of the time when you’re awake. Anxiety as a default program can be caused by not having received proper soothing and comfort as a baby and child. For example, if you were left alone to cry in your crib, and nobody came to pick you up, that would be one reason. Or if you were punished for crying, for example.

i have a really low self esteem,

If you were criticized and condemned often as a child, that could have caused it. Any kind of parental rejection, or even lack of care and attention, leads the child to conclude that there’s something wrong with them, even fundamentally wrong. That they are unlovable and unworthy.

for the sake of just knowing, what would be the price to heal? how can i heal ? what method/things i should do? and do they work actually or just for some people ?

We as children have certain core emotional needs – such as to be loved, nurtured, accepted, appreciated, validated, to feel special to our parents, etc. If those core needs weren’t met and instead we were emotionally wounded – that’s where our adult emotional problems and anxiety stem from. In order to heal, we’d need to meet those unmet core emotional needs, and the best to do it is in therapy.

You would have to get in touch with your suppressed emotions, but first realize that they are acceptable, that you are allowed to have them. And then you’d need to work in therapy to release them, and to receive what you haven’t received in childhood – love,  compassion, understanding, validation etc. If you’d like to know some more, I’d be happy to answer.

Dear Murtaza:

“you said that you enjoy replying to me, in this post, you don’t sound like you are enjoying yourself”-

– On Wednesday morning, June 9, I wrote to you: “My purpose in posting to you right now is .. well, I enjoy it, it’s fun for me this morning to entertain your thoughts..”- notice the words I italicized: they qualify the time when I enjoyed myself, morning of June 9.  Fast forward to Thursday morning, June 10, I was not enjoying myself. Recently, I injured my hand and when it hurts- I get depressed, when it doesn’t hurt, I feel hopeful/ better. As I am typing now, both of my hands are in braces.

Feelings change, they don’t stay the same. I enjoyed talking to you Wednesday, I didn’t enjoy it much Thursday, I am not enjoying myself right now.. but I like you and love you just the same.

Your feelings change too, you have good days and bad days, and sometimes you feel content, May 24: “luckily right now I’m on my good days, when I used to talk to you I had mostly bad days.. when I’m on a good day I don’t feel the need to talk to people or post stuff, I always appear online very pessimistic, I am very pessimistic but there is a good side too, a side I can’t show unless you see me in real life…  right now I’m just not suffering much, so it doesn’t come to my mind..  right now I could say that I’m content with myself”-

– see the words I italicized: “right now”- same words I used June 9 when I enjoyed writing to you. Those right now moments when we don’t suffer, or when we suffer less, make us desire life. This desire for life is hidden when we are depressed, but it is not gone (not for most people, most of the time).

Here are more of your right now good feelings: “I already have, a little sister, that loves me, and I love her too.. you even like me, and I feel so warm..  I also like wine..  its a really good movie, watching movies made me desire to be in a taproom…there are a lot of things I’m grateful for having in this life.. my little sister, not only we understand each other, but know most of our qualities, we love each other, I like how she look at me, waking up and not having any responsibility, eating my favorite breakfast, slowly and at peace, while listening to piano music,  smoking in the roof, while listening to my favourite songs, thinking about life, and just taking my time..”- love, feeling so warm, wine, favorite breakfast, good movies, music, taking your time on the roof.

I wrote to you in my last post: “stop trying to find a solution to suffering, stop looking for a way out”, and you answered: “I’m not trying to find a solution, I already know what it is”.

“I already know what it is”, but you question it: the question is in the title of your thread: “wouldn’t be a mercy if I just ended my life?”- there is a question mark at the end, making it a question, not an affirmative statement. There is a hidden desire to live in this title, it is in the questioning: “wouldn’t.. if..  ?”

I do understand your pain and misery. I no longer feel pain the way I used to, but I did feel the depth of misery for way too long. I do not underestimate your pain. I am pointing out to your good right now moments that fuel your inborn desire to live, a desire that is a core characteristic in all that is alive: bacteria, protozoa, fungi, algae, plants, animals, anita, Murtaza.

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by .

Dear Murtaza,

and to receive what you haven’t received in childhood – love,  compassion, understanding, validation

is this step requires people ? if so then forget it

🙂 I see you’re not too keen to work with a therapist, and not necessarily just because you don’t have money… I’ll give you some suggestions on what you can do on your own, but I’d like to say first that the core wounding happens in a relationship, therefore healing happens in the context of a relationship too. In our childhood, we were wounded by inadequate, abusive, judgmental, emotionally immature parents. We can heal that trauma with the help of someone who is loving, compassionate, understanding, who will give us unconditional positive regard, who won’t judge us, who will accept us as we are… and that’s a good therapist. It’s much harder (or almost impossible) to do it alone, to pull ourselves by our own bootstraps…

But what I can suggest for starters is to watch a youtube channel called “Therapy in a nutshell”, which offers very educational and practical videos on how to deal with anxiety, depression, how to deal with emotions, etc. The same therapist also offers more in-depth online courses on her website, and of them on dealing with stress and anxiety is accessible for free.

If you’d like to share some more about your childhood, perhaps we here can help you too, at least a little.