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Posts by Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.

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Tiny Wisdom: On Being Part of the Solution

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“Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping him up.” -Jesse Jackson

I’ve always believed that there is a fundamental difference between compassion and pity: Compassion stands beside someone; pity stands above.

Sometimes it’s tempting to stand in that place, and not just because we’re being judgmental or cruel. Oftentimes, it feels safer up there. You don’t need to understand that person, or what they’re dealing with.

You also don’t need to get too close. You can simply remove yourself without getting too invested or involved, knowing that you feel bad, but there’s nothing you can do.

Compassion suggests a …

Tiny Wisdom: On the Power of a Smile

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“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

Last weekend, I had a difficult day. My brother had just flown 3,000 miles across the country after visiting me, which reignited an internal conflict about living so far from my family.

I always feel a familiar emptiness when I deal with that conflict. It’s my instinctive resistance to the undeniable truth that everything in life is a trade off. I can’t simultaneously follow my instinct to be in LA and my instinct to be near my …

Tiny Wisdom: On Choosing Optimism

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“I am a pessimist because of intelligence, but an optimist because of will.” -Antonio Gramsci

They say that ignorance is bliss, and there’s a really good reason for it. There are a lot of things we learn as we get older that can get us down if we dwell on them.

The world feels a lot safer when you believe in Santa Claus and magic, and haven’t yet learned about the tragedies and injustices that happen every day, all over the world.

It’s a lot easier to feel happy when you believe that everyone has pure intentions, and don’t yet …

Tiny Wisdom: On Feeling Good

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“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

My boyfriend makes me feel unworthy. My mother makes me feel inadequate. My sister makes me inferior. My boss makes me feel incompetent.

Have you said something like this recently? We all do it sometimes–give our power away to other people as if they have complete control over what we feel.

For a long time, I believed it was impossible to change how I responded to certain events. If someone said something hurtful, I had no choice but to feel sad and rejected–and it was all their fault. …

20 Things to Do When You’re Feeling Angry with Someone

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“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” ~Chinese proverb

As Tiny Buddha grows larger, I find there are a lot more people emailing me with requests. The people-pleaser in me wants to say yes to everyone, but the reality is that there is only so much time in the day—and we all have a right to allocate our time as best supports our intentions, needs, and goals.

Recently someone contacted me with a request that I was unable to honor. After I communicated that, he made a sweeping judgment about …

Tiny Wisdom: On Committing and Achieving

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“Continuous effort—not strength or intelligence—is the key to unlocking our potential.” -Winston Churchill

If you’re anything like me, you probably noticed at some point in your life that you’re not the best at everything.

Maybe it was when you were pushing yourself to accomplish something, or maybe you noticed someone else’s achievements and started making comparisons. However it looked in your experience, you probably recognized that there are people who are smarter, better educated, and more talented than you are.

Maybe this slowed you down in pursuing the things that matter to you. If other smarter, more knowledgeable, more gifted …

Tiny Wisdom: On Asking for Help

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“It’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s the way you carry it.” -Lena Horne

We often think that admitting struggle is a sign of weakness, but we all struggle sometimes. We all get overwhelmed sometimes. We all need help sometimes. Acknowledging this is not a sign of weakness, but struggling alone is a choice to grow weak.

We all need each other. No one is an island. The good news is that people really do care. Think about it. If someone you know was hurting, would you offer your support? If someone you know got into a tough …

Tiny Wisdom: On Being Honest

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“It pays to be honest, but it’s slow pay.” ~Proverb

There are two types of rewards we can enjoy in this life: the kind that appear to come immediately, and the kind that we generally don’t realize are accumulating over time.

When you say what people want to hear instead of speaking your mind, you  may receive their validation; but in the long run, it won’t be nearly as satisfying as knowing you’re a person who operates with integrity.

When you lie about who you are to avoid the discomfort of being rejected, you may receive other people’s approval; but …

Tiny Wisdom: On Prosperity

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“Prosperity depends more on wanting what you have than having what you want.” -Geoffrey F. Abert

No matter what you have, you can always identify something that is lacking. If you have a great relationship, you might ascertain that you’ve lost touch with a hobby you once loved. If you earn plenty of money, you can probably identify tons of people who earn more–and with less effort than you expel.

It’s just not possible to feel like you have it all because you can’t possibly have everything at once. And no matter how much you gain, there will always be …

Tiny Wisdom: On Being Honest with Yourself

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“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.” -Spencer Johnson

Only you know if you’ve been lying to yourself. Other people may think they know what’s going on in your head and what’s right for you. But only you know what you need to do and whether or not you’re doing it.

Only you know what you believe and whether or not you’re honoring it.

Only you know what your values are and whether or not you’re upholding  them.

Only you know if you’re projecting onto other people to avoid taking responsibility for …

How to Help Someone Who Won’t Help Themselves

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“We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.” ~Pema Chodron

Recently I got into a hypothetical conversation with someone who very quickly turned hostile and accusatory. Let’s call her Jane. My first instinct was to get defensive, but then I realized this subject was quite raw for Jane, and there was likely something going on below the surface.

Usually when people are combative seemingly without cause, there’s some underlying pain fueling it.

As we got to the root of things, I learned that Jane was holding onto anger …

Tiny Wisdom: On Getting Un-stuck

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“What you are is what you have been. What you’ll be is what you do now.” -Buddha

We all have goals–things we’d like to accomplish and ideas of who we’d like to become through the process. But sometimes we get so bogged down in fears and self-doubt that it’s hard to commit to the changes we want to create and then work toward them consistently.

It’s not easy to do. When you’re faced with obstacles, you might get stuck. When you feel unmotivated or unsure, you might get stuck. When your goal seems too far out of reach, you might …

Tiny Wisdom: On Strangers

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“Strangers are friends you have yet to meet.” -Unknown

Since I live in LA and my family lives in Boston, I take long flights several times a year. During many of these flights, I read a book or watch a movie and disappear into my own little world of self-entertainment.

When I was returning from a recent visit, I found myself looking around at all the different people who I would likely not talk to during the flight, and then never see again.

We’d all share an experience together–and yet apart–and then move on with our lives, without …

Tiny Wisdom: On Constant Change

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“When you’re finished changing, you’re finished.” -Benjamin Franklin

A few years back, I reconnected with an old friend from high school. Years after we met, we both struggled with depression and dealt with messy, public recoveries.

He said that seeing me was disheartening because I seemed like an after picture, whereas he felt like he had so much more work to do.

While I recognized that I had come a long way, I knew he formed this conclusion partly because he wasn’t seeing a complete picture. He was seeing confidence and a smile within an isolated moment in time and …

Tiny Wisdom: On the Joy of Mistakes

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“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” -Einstein

Sometimes it’s more effective to track your progress in mistakes than it is to track it with successes.

There are days when I have tons of mini-victories, but they’re all things I have done before and knew I could do well. So while I may feel good about those accomplishments and they may propel me toward my goals, they have a minimal impact in terms of my long-term growth.

There are other days when I do things I’ve never done before, struggle, and in the process identify …

Giveaway and Interview: The Book of (Even More) Awesome

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Update: The winners have been chosen! If you didn’t win, you can purchase a copy of The Book of (Even More) Awesome on Amazon.

Last year, I posted a review of The Book of Awesome, by Neil Pasricha—a compilation of blog posts from his wildly popular website, 1000 Awesome Things.

I was so inspired by his ability to recognize simple pleasures where I never even thought to look that I decided to follow suit with a post I titled 50 Peaceful Things.

Neil’s blog has been one of my favorites since he first launched three years back, …

Tiny Wisdom: On Seeing

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“What we see is mainly what we look for.” -Unknown

Whatever you believe about people and the world, you will likely find proof to support it.

If you look for selfishness, you’ll find it. If you look for animosity you’ll find it. If you look for injustice, you’ll find it. If you’re invested in seeing the world this way, you can probably explain a lot of what you see with negative interpretations.

Conversely, if you look for good intentions, you’ll find them. If you look for loving gestures, you’ll find them. If you look for possibilities, you’ll find them.

Much …

Tiny Wisdom: On Simple Confidence

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“Confidence is preparation. Everything else is beyond your control.” -Richard Kline

People often think confidence means knowing you can create the outcome you desire. To some extent it does, but this idea isn’t universally true for anyone. No matter how talented, smart, or capable you are, you cannot predict or control everything that happens in your life.

Even confident people lose jobs, relationships, and even their health.

Confidence comes from knowing your competence but acknowledging it’s not solely responsible for creating your world. When you take that weight off your shoulders and realize that sometimes the twists and turns have …

Tiny Wisdom: On Creating Happiness

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“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” -Dalai Lama

I’d be happy if I had a boyfriend. I’d be happy if my boss promoted me. I’d be happy if I had a larger house. It’s not uncommon for people to make these assumptions–to believe happiness exists in some alternate reality where people and conditions are different.

In a way that’s comforting. It absolves you of responsibility, and puts the blame neatly on other people’s shoulders. But it also gives them the power.

You create your own happiness through the choices you make day to day. …

Tiny Wisdom: On Conflict

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“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” -Unknown

There are some days when I want everything to stop.

I want the calls to stop, the emails to stop, the requests to stop, the expectations to stop, the confrontations to stop, and the struggles to stop. Essentially, I want everything to feel quiet and easy.

Then I realize that if everything stopped, life would be boring, uneventful, and static.

If everything stopped, I wouldn’t have any opportunities to create, grow, learn from other people, or share what I’ve learned with …