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anitaParticipantDear Worldofthewaterwheels:
You are welcome, good to read from you again!
“I think the problem is that I can’t complain, can’t argue with friends for fear of losing them.. but will anyway. If you can’t be honest with each other then where is the reality“- I agree with you: it is very important to be honest in the context of personal relationships (and otherwise). Holding in complaints and disagreements is distressing and exhausting. I understand your fear to lose friends if you honestly express what may not be pleasant for them to hear.
“I have deep-seated fear of rejection and yet get constantly rejected. I fear confrontation…I have the ability to stand out, I have a presence, but I fight it because apparently from my youth, I was taught not to be too big in order to have support“-
– There is a middle way between being too big and too small, as in being either too loud and too quiet; a middle way between expressing oneself aggressively and not expressing oneself at all (being passive). The middle way is expressing yourself assertively. Learning and mastering the skill and art of assertiveness will get you the best results when dealing with most people.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Danny:
“On days like these (the struggling kind) I’ve started to feel I’m not doing my best which in turn leads to self criticism… Even on my more productive days, when I review if I was my best self, I then think ‘I should of dine an extra 5 minutes of breath work… What is your best? How can it be defined?“-
– unfortunately for you (and for the many people suffering the from the ruthless harassment of a harsh, never-to-be-satisfied inner critic), your best is never good enough: your best = never good enough, according to the harsh inner critic.
With a harsh inner critic what happens is that you have days that you are doing great, but those days are followed by days that are the opposite. To do well consistently, you have to adopt a different kind of inner critic.
Too often, when a child grows up with a harsh, critical parent, the child’s brain internalizes the harsh, critical parent. There are ways to .. do your best to change your inner critic so that it doesn’t harass you anymore. You will do much better in life if you have a gentle and fair inner critic.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Danny:
“I could (should) be doing more with my time. I can often be lethargic the day after a few beers… I’ve always been extremely hard and critical of myself“- how does being extremely hard and critical of yourself affect your use of your time: does it make you energetic or lethargic, motivated or depressed, productive or wasteful of your time and resources?
“I’m not sure if drinking is a mistake, or is it more a choice. If it is a choice, and not a mistake, do I need to be hard on myself?“- some people consider drinking any amount of alcohol at any time to be a mistake; others consider drinking in moderation not a mistake, but a positive thing; almost everyone (while sober) considers drinking and driving a mistake.
Here is a question for you: can you make a choice to learn from your experience, improve your functionality and productivity, and at the same time, not be hard on yourself?
anita
March 19, 2024 at 7:50 pm in reply to: Is he playing?? Have I been ghosted?? Feeling stupid and heartbroken #428795anitaParticipantDear Laven: I will be able to read and reply to you in about 12 hours from now.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued, part 4:
I was a child, she washed me in the bathroom, scrubbing me, pressing her fingers deep into my scalp and rubbing it so hard that it hurt, pressing and massaging the soap deep into my head. I was an object to be cleaned, and cleaned hard. She didn’t trust that I could do a god job cleaning my.. (I was going to say my body, but it was not mine), so she cleaned it when I was 5, all the way to 15 or so. I don’t remember when it stopped. I clearly remember her entering the bathroom this one time when I was maybe 8, I was naked in the bathtub, and as she entered, I turned around quickly so that I was lying on my belly, so that she wouldn’t see my front. By the age of 15, she allowed me to wash some of “my” body, but insisted that she washes my back and my head (because she said I wouldn’t do a good job on my own). Every shower time, the shame of being seen by her naked, particularly post puberty, was INTENSE. I tried to hide myself with one hand or the other, but with very limited success. My shame was visible and audible, but she didn’t care. The cleaning job needed to be done, and that’s all that mattered to her. Every time, when it was over and I was in my pajamas, I felt a relief.. finally it was over. Until the next time.
My life with my mother was a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. It was a nightmare in so many ways, and in so many contexts. I can feel it, the nightmarish factor right now, as I type. It feels like a pressure in my head. I can feel her big hands, big fingers digging into my sore scalp.. so hard, is she trying to hurt me..?
To be continued.
anita
March 19, 2024 at 3:45 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #428786anitaParticipantDear Growing Seaturtle: I am looking forward to read from you tomorrow!
anita
March 19, 2024 at 11:22 am in reply to: My first love accepted my request, is it worth messaging her and what do I say? #428772anitaParticipantDear Usyyy:
You shared that she was your first love when you were in your early 20s (now you are both in your mid-thirties, I figure). Following the breakup of the 3-year relationship ten years ago, she had a relationship with another guy for a few years, a relationship that ended 7 years ago, with him cheating on her. About 2 years later (early 2019), she got engaged, later, married the guy, and divorced him in early 2022, after he cheated on her and abused her in some other way or ways.
“As for me I have been single for a few years now, I have been evolving in my career and proud of how far I’ve come and have recently started a new chapter in my career… I noticed that she had cut off a lot of people from her social media… Last week I posted a quote that said ‘be the reason for someone’s pain to turn into a smile’, she liked that quote too. I’m tempted to send her a message… I want to tread very carefully with her as I don’t really know where her mind is given what she’s been through“-
– the quote you sent her, “be the reason for someone’s pain to turn into a smile”. A twist to this quote: don’t be the reason for someone’s smile to turn into pain. You are doing well, career wise, a new chapter, that’s a smile on your face. A relationship with a troubled woman can hurt your career, taking away your energy, and your feeling of having control over your life.
If she wasn’t troubled in her early 20s when you knew her, she is likely troubled now, after 2 failed relationships that included cheating and abuse. Not that she doesn’t deserve a new beginning, and healing, but you need to be careful, and indeed, like you stated, “tread very carefully“.
My advice: If you choose to contact her and the two of you begin a relationship of some kind, friendship or more, get to know her well, as she is now. And let this principle guide you: a healthy relationship is a Win- Win project, a Win for you, a Win for her. You are welcome to post again for more of my input, and hopefully for other members’ input as well.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Arctic07:
I am glad that my sincere praise made you positively smile!
(I am adding the boldface and italicized features to the quotes): “Yesterday , after almost more than a month of blocking him, I texted him… I asked him that why…did he give me hopes of a future. The reply that he gave was that first he was not strong enough back then… When I met him (he was dealing with the early expiring of his father), he was very much disturbed and emotionally messed up… I nurtured him, took him out of depression… I knew back then that he was a very weak man, had a very laid back attitude towards life in general , but I thought that with my affection and care we could transform into better grown individuals. But I was wrong it seems so.“-
– what I boldfaced is what he was before you met him, during the relationship and after: a very laid back person, not a fighter, not someone to stand up to people in authority (his mother) or to societal conventions. His mother (supported by societal conventions) tells him what to do, for how long, and he obeys. Standing up to her, going against her, would cause him more distress than he can handle. So, he doesn’t, and it is very unlikely that he will.
What I italicized is indeed your mistaken thinking at the time: he is who he is because of the influence of his mother (and his father, when he was alive) on his life when he was a child. There is a term for the childhood years, it’s called Formative Years, which means that a person’s attitudes, core beliefs, personality, etc., are formed during the years of childhood. This means that when you met him, he was already formed into a very laid back person who will obey authority and societal conventions, and no amount of care and affection from you, could change who he has become.
* It doesn’t mean that an adult person cannot make significant changes about himself (or herself); it means that an adult has to be very motivated to change, over a long period of time, to do the work required, and not give up, to be persistent and resilient, and to receive someone’s support in the process.
“Most people say that there home is there safe haven but for me it was not so. So the only comfort zone at that time was books. Then I met him (he was dealing with the early expiring of his father), he was very much disturbed and emotionally messed up… I nurtured him… I thought that with my affection and care we could transform (him)”-
– I think that you saw yourself in him and the thinking was (subconsciously): if I help him, he will help me; if I make him feel safe (if I am his safe haven), he will be my safe haven.
“Even after so much time has passed, I cannot stop thinking about him. On some days, I feel anger, on others I feel despair, on some days I feel humiliated, the list goes on an on. I am tired of thinking about him. I have tried so many things to heal myself… But every now and then my mind goes back to him. Please help me. I want to get out of this breakup purgatory“-
– breakup purgatory, another original term in my book (still impressed with you!)
I think that he was your hope for a safe haven, and that this hope is still there within you, keeping you in this breakup purgatory. You have put him up on a pedestal, so you shared, as if he was god (powerful enough to give you what you needed for so long, as a child). Here is what I suggest: when you are calm and alone, imagine him on that pedestal and reach up your hand to him, so that he (your image of him) can take your hand and graciously come down from that pedestal, a place where he does not belong. And as he is standing at your level, see him as a person, just another person, not one who is more powerful than you.
And let me know how this imagery felt like, will you?
anita
anitaParticipantEdit: my answer: depends if you feel anxious/ distressed or calm at the moment you consider drinking followed by drinking (and being aware that you decided earlier not to drink). If you feel calm, it’s a choice; if you feel anxious, it’s an impulse, an act of desperate need to be calm.
anitaParticipantDear Danny:
“If I try to abstain from alcohol, yet fail to do so, is that a mistake or a choice?“- my answer: depends if you feel anxious/ distressed or calm at the moment you consider drinking (and being aware that you decided earlier not to drink). If you feel calm, it’s a choice; if you feel anxious, it’s an impulse, an act of desperate need to be calm.
In Law, impulsive illegal acts done when anxious/ distressed are considered choices and therefore punishable by law, but less punishable than illegal acts done when calm.
“Should I beat myself up?“- beating oneself up makes one more anxious/ distressed, and therefore more likely to act out of impulse, and go back on choices made when calm. So.. no.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Arctic07:
You shared that you are good in literature, well: it shows in your writing. I read with much interest, and wanted to read more and more, wanting to know what’s next. You write so well, like a good romance novelist, I imagine. (I imagine because I don’t remember ever reading a romance novel). And your writing is honest, intelligent and believable.. not flowery and or unintelligent.
At the end of your story/ original post, you wrote: “I know that my story screams upon itself that I should have left him long ago but here I am hellbent on self destruction through love“-
– what interesting, original combinations of words (in my experience): “my story screams upon itself“, “self destruction through love“, I am positively impressed!
Now, what does a young woman as intelligent, original and talented as you, and one who values marriage, doing begging a guy for anything, let alone for a situationship, as you have done… (I ask myself).
The answer may be in the only part of your story that you placed in parenthesis: “(I had some issues in my family like I had childhood trauma of an unhappy home because of fights quarrels amongst family members to an extent that to me there was nothing known as a happy home )“.
Perhaps within your quarrelsome family, you placed yourself in parenthesis, figuratively, taking on the role of someone less important, someone who is quiet, obedient, pleasing, assisting and accommodating to others, while your quarrelsome family members were loud, rebellious, forceful.
Maybe this habit carried on to your first romantic relationship (I am adding the boldface feature to the following quote): “I… obey him practically worship him like he is some sort of god… I put him on the highest pedestal I could find… I cared for him more than I ever cared for me. In my mind I was his dutiful wife who was meant to please him , assist him in whatever he wanted”.
I hope to read your thoughts about what I posted here, and would very much like to communicate with you. Maybe, just maybe, our communication can help you, so that you can “Move on“.
anita
anitaParticipant* Dear Tommy:
What a revolutionary idea (for me!): I never thought of controlling one’s fear by (1) Recognizing the conditions that scare me, (2) Planning to not feel the fear before those conditions happen. I never heard or read such an idea and I am going to put it into practice in the next day or so… she how it works. Thank you, Tommy!
* Dear Shanna: since the original didn’t reply to you, would you to address a question to other members (here or in your own thread, if you choose to start one?)
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshiti:
You are welcome, and no problems as to you taking your time before replying.
“The values I came down to are- Success, Personal Development, Well-Being and Growth. But I feel this is not the complete thing and I need to do more work to develop better perspectives“- you can develop your thoughts about professional success in the context of relationships with people you interact with professionally. There are people who are okay with cheating and mistreating others so to get ahead professionally; what are your values in regard to how you would treat others and how you expect to be treated in the professional world?
You can develop well-being in the context of personal relationships, similar to the above: what are your values in regard to how you treat others in your personal life, and how do you expect them to treat you?
You listed very impressive goals. “How to develop a greater sense of purpose and develop a better approach towards the core component of my life?“- this reads to me like an academic-like, complicated question. Can you simplify this question for me?
“Also, I would like to ask you about mindfulness. How can one apply it for anxiety and intrusive thoughts as well as for overall wellbeing?“- re-read my Feb 21 post (page 2 of your thread) where you asked a similar question (only you didn’t mention Mindfulness) and I answered: the NPARR Strategy, which is a Mindfulness technique that works for me. Try it in regard to your obsessive (aka intrusive) thoughts, will you?
And please feel comfortable to post again whenever you choose, whenever it is convenient for you, no need to rush.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshiti: I will read and reply in the next 24 hours.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued, part 3:
I was a baby, under fed in her womb but force fed outside the womb. She told me that I refused to eat, and so, she’d close my nose with her fingers so that I’d open my mouth to breathe, an when I did, she pushed food into my mouth. One of my dominant tics these days, is to suddenly open my mouth and gasp for air.
Sometime in the first year of my life, I suffered dysentery and very high fever, taken to a hospital dying, and placed there is an isolation ward to which my mother had no access. After weeks or months there, she was allowed to take me back. When she arrived to retrieve me, (she told me), that In turned away from her and held the nurse tightly.
Continued on another day.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 