Dear Justaguy01:

“I don’t know a great deal about this sort of thing, but probably am the latter. It isn’t the first time I feel anxious about our relationship. Truth be told I have gone through many instances where internally and privately I have felt this fear of abandonment in our relationship… I know it’s something I need to work on“-

– you can learn about you attachment style from books such as Attached and Master Your Attachment Style, as well as from workbooks such as The Attachment Theory Workbook: Powerful Tools To Promote Understanding, Increase Stability, And Build Lasting Relationships, and Soothe your Attachment Wounds self help workbook.

“I am worried that she is staying away specifically from me“- In the realm of possibilities, it is unfortunately possible (I have no reason to think that this is the case here) that rather than her fitting The Avoidant Attachment Style, she fits (and I am making up the term here) The Breakup Confrontational Avoidant Style. Many people, when breaking up with a partner, instead of doing it directly, which they perceive to be a confrontation, something unpleasant, they go about it indirectly, disappearing from the person’s life and hoping that the message will sink in over time.

I hate to bring this possibility up but it’s not like this is a new possibility in your mind. You’re already worried about it. Since you’ve known her for a while, is she a confrontational avoidant person in the context of her work, family, friends…?

anita

Dear noname:

A bit of nostalgia perhaps: exactly five years before your yesterday’s post (Jan 8, 2024), you wrote: “I’m so lost right now, I want some relief but can’t find it anywhere. My initial reaction to this is that I need closer connections with people. It seems ill start to get close with someone and then it fades. Ultimately I don’t think I require much to be content, just 10mins a day of someone’s undivided attention would probably do, I just don’t know how to make that happen” (Jan 8, 2019).

How do you feel about what you wrote back then then?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

It is a good thing that you have social support irl.

I was wondering but didn’t ask you before in regard to this part of what you shared in your original post: “We had a fight and I kind of exploded because I was bottling up so many stuff“- what did you say to her/ what did you do during that kind-of- explosion?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“yesterday my brother told me that he texted N!… he was diagnosed with manic depression a couple years ago and has been heavily sedated since then. Both my parents kicked him out because he would randomly get angry and lash out at my younger sister and scare her. Another one of his modes is hyper emotional so one day, last Thursday, he found himself ‘feeling bad for n.‘”-

– this energy and emotional instability and dysfunction is the results of a sacral and heart chakras going wild without the wise supervision and input by the crown chakra. It is important for you, for me, for everyone to not let this happen.

“Anyways both of my siblings gave HIM their sympathy.. I just am so beyond annoyed and frustrated. Both of them asking him if he was ok before me. But whatever I just have to drop this or it makes me too upset“-

– their sympathy for him probably triggers your (invalid, unjustified) guilt in regard to breaking up with N, part of you believing that N is a good guy vs you, the bad guy. But that part is wrong.

Perhaps The Third Eye Chakra can come to the rescue when this false belief is triggered. This chakra is “concerned with inner vision, intuition and wisdom… A balanced third eye chakra allows for heightened intuition, clarity of thoughts and perceptions” (zen lama. com). The title of your thread is about needing a vibrating 3rd eye chakra: “Telling the difference between gut (intuition) and fear in relationships”.

Whenever you see N as the good guy vs you the bad guy, LOOK through your 3rd eye and see the truth.

“Anyways I think it bled into my day today cause I have just had an undertone of anxiety and struggling to get n out of my head. Whether it is him angry, with another girl or just any unsolicited vision of him being somewhere… this lie flooded my head…”-the symptoms of a blocked 3rd eye.

Once you SEE N with your 3rd eye, you will have a balanced vision of him: a physically attractive man if your 3rd eye is open. Coming to think about it, it’s a relief to have a 3rd option/ Eye to use so to see the bigger picture, the truth.

“I believe he was not joking, and that while it happened he wasn’t implying a joke and that he did want me to feel pain”- when you see him as a gorgeous, beautiful man, open your 3rd eye and see him as a person who wants you to feel pain at times.

“What I have a hard time grasping is whether he was really just straight up lying to me that he was joking?”- yes, he was.

“or that he literally was lying to himself”- no, he knew that he was lying to you. (I am looking at him with MY 3rd eye and I am looking at you with my 3rd eye, seeing.. a girl who doesn’t want to take a boy off a pedestal, holding on to an elevated image of him).

“I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.”

“My mom…  started telling me ‘well maybe you will still end up together.. you don’t have to feel embarrassed if you get back together….he may self actualize maybe he is in therapy right now..’ all tells me my mom has no idea”- her 3rd eye is closed. She sees a gorgeous looking man. She doesn’t see a man wanting her daughter to hurt when it’s convenient for him.

“my closest friend… often talks over me..  My friend is also in a very destructive relationship and says similar things to my mom. This makes me very sad as she is my closest friend at the moment and we have known each  other almost our whole lives. Definitely doesn’t help with the alone feelings I already feel right now“- to keep your 3rd eye and crown chakras open and high vibrational means to .. be alone in the midst of low vibrational 3rd eye and crown chakras.

“This feels true, I don’t think he was shocked I wanted it to be over, but I think he was shocked that I actually did it. Because he was so often able to manipulate me and that was one of the only times in our relationship he wasn’t able to. The fly out with the spider and he was shocked, and his ego was hurt”-

– a gorgeous looking man who has been okay with his girlfriend wanting out of the relationship as long as she doesn’t succeed; a spider being okay with the fly trying to disengage from its sticky web as long as it doesn’t succeed.

“Yea, I also remember thinking that maybe our crown chakras match later in the relationship. I thought the honeymoon was suppose to be heart and sacral, and I didn’t want to pressure crown charka connecting… Then this year I started to need it more and more and found my advances denied. Not only denied but he wasn’t even seeing my crown, he wasn’t seeing my depth and wisdom”- imagine an open and high vibrational Third Eye Chakra that can see a man early…

“This brought me a lot of sadness that I had been seen by others but he was the only person I truly wanted it from“- growing up wanting to be seen by low vibrational F=> wanting to be seen by low vibrational N.

I want to research cannabis use disorder and vaping as it may apply to N before I respond to the rest of your yesterday’s post next.

anita

Dear Justaguy03:

“My deepest sense is that she is emotionally overwhelmed and no longer possesses the emotional energy to maintain a relationship with me at the moment“- I think that you are correct, and overall, I am impressed with what I perceive to be your emotional maturity and emotional intelligence.

I am also aware of how very intense and .. well, from my experience, sickening a relationship between a mother and a daughter can be. Not saying that this is true to her.

“if I just wait it out in the background and give her gentle reminders of love and support here and there that we can get through this. Isn’t that what a relationship is about? Sticking together during the lowest of the lows“- yes, it is. What was the agreement between the two of you in regard to the nature of and length of this break/ space?

(I will soon be away from the computer and back Tues morning, which is in about 13 hours from now (here, U.S.).

anita

Dear Justaguy01:

“how do you support and care for someone who is trying to push you away without losing them whilst at the same time managing your own mental well-being?“- my answer: since she is an adult, and one to whom you are not married, and with whom you do not share children, once she pushes you away… you stay away. You stay away and accept that it might be a permanent break, an ending to the relationship.

There is a concept called Radical Acceptance, which is about aiming at completely accepting reality, not struggling or resisting it at all.

The Serenity Prayer states: “god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference“- you can’t change the fact that her mother has a serious illness nor can you change any of her family history and current family circumstances. You can’t change how she feels about her family, can’t change her depression and her choice to take a break from you. So better accept (radically accept it) all that you cannot change with as much serenity as is possible for you.

“And the second being: am I validated to be feeling this mix of negative emotions myself? I feel selfish and guilty because she is the one who is really going through a hard time, but in the last week, my mind has been racing with a hundred different thoughts and emotions“-

– every one of your emotions carries a valid message, and none of us is guilty for feeling whatever it is that we feel. We are not good people because we feel a certain way, and bad people if we feel a different way. It is our conscious choices of speech and action that make us good or bad.

She is going through a hard time and so are you. You are emotionally attached to her and you want to be with her. Try to have empathy for yourself instead of judgment. Feel the pain of being away from her and endure it, then repeatedly try to … radically accept the situation as it is.

And please post again, maybe a conversation here can help…?

anita

Dear Sosaado:

“Old topic, but I experienced the same, so I completely understand“-

– First, a bit of the old topic: Tessa/ Sadpeach posted twice on her thread: an original post on Oct 14, 2016, and a second post 2 days later, on Oct 16, 2016, over 7 years ago. At the time, Sadpeach was 23-years-old, working as a graphic designer with a history of “a perfect childhood filled with softball, block parties, and best friends… raised in an upper-middle class lifestyle… we grew up in a normal household“.

She presented her sisters’ mental illnesses as having been caused by genetics, and then added: “my mother is a narcissist… My mother often times acts like a rude 16 year old, starting fights with my 28 year old sister“, and it reads to me that Sadpeach was suggesting that her mother was not always a narcissist and/ or that there is no connection between her mother’s narcissism (suspected, not diagnosed, I assume) and her sisters’ mental illnesses (suspected or diagnosed, I don’t know).

In her second post, a reply to me, Sadpeach wrote: “My 28 year old sister has some deep rooted issues with my mother, however for the most part we all agree that we had a perfect childhood“.

Second, to your Jn 7, 2024 post, Sosaado: you shared that your 2 siblings “at early 20 (have) become personality disrupted and their mental health is worsening, along with parents, which were normal when I was born“-

– reads like your understanding is similar to Sadpeach’s: your siblings’ mental health problems or illnesses developed following a normal (or perfect) childhood because of some faulty genetics that bypassed the parents but affected the children in their early 20s, a genetic fate. And so, you feel “cursed by ill fate“.

“I’m only normal person in family of four people…one of (your siblings)…  exploiting parents financially and emotionally over 10 years, lazy, do not want to work, paranoid, psychotic, threatening with suicide. Do not want to visit psychiatrist“- one of your siblings is paranoid and psychotic but not diagnosed (since she wouldn’t visit a psychiatrist)?

“Sometimes, on photos we were normal family as others family, nice smiling mother, who loved her motherhood and proud father. Our home was tidy, there was enough of food. Now it is four abusive tyrants, dirty home, mess everywhere, trauma to live there even a day“-

– my best guess as to what happened is that your parents’ mental health issues were there from the beginning, before children were added to the family. And as time went on (like mud rolling down a hill, more and more mud is added to it as it moves down the hill), mental health issues spread to the children, and everyone’s mental issues got bigger and bigger.

Like a wound that’s untreated for too long, it becomes more and more severe over time.

Those split of a second moments captured on photos, when parents pose in front of the camera, do not portray ongoing reality.

“I was not exception. In early 20s, I started (to) abuse drugs to deal with pain, and after time, I get mental breakdown and I had to visit psychiatrist. There was psychotic mental illness genetically in our family genetics. I was taking medicine for while and get through psychotherapy. I’m healthy now“-

– Psychotherapy does not retroactively change the genes you were born with, so genetics is not fate when it comes to most mental health issues, or the extent or severity of most issues. The idea that mental illness in general (not a specific diagnosis) is determined by genetics alone, and therefore, parents who happened to bypass those genes, change from healthy, normal, loving and tidy parents => to mentally sick parents because their children happened to be affected by such genes..  is not true.

You advised Sadpeach: “I totally understand you how it is like to be only normal person in whole family. Although it’s rare, you are not alone. There are more like us, I believe. They simply move out from family, I think, if it is possible to start a new life, find healthy people, maybe have own healthy family which brings them joy. You are not obligated to be their Saviour because of few stupid shared genes. You are not expected to nothing. You are just expected to care about yourself and make yourself happy and that is your priority“-

– excellent advice, Sosaado, and I hope that you materialize your own advice in your own life and continue to be Your Own Saviour: move out and away from your family-of-origin, act for the benefit of your own mental health, prioritize and  promote it, and find other people who do the same. This way you make the world a bit better, a bit healthier.

anita