Dear Clara:

Hello Clara in Bali, (who was) sitting in front of a rice paddy!

“Yes indeed I was attracted to her because of her independence as well… Somehow the table turned around and I become the needy one“- I guess it’s about striking a balance between Independence and Connection.

“Honestly, even I travel alone this time, my mind is still filled with memories of her“- evidence of the connection you felt/ feel to her. It is not easy to undo a connection. It’s normal to miss a person you were with for so long.

“I am hoping to mentally leave everything that happened behind in Bali, so that I can go back as a fresh person“- be patient with the process, one step, one day at a time.

“Re the cat, I may foster one first“- reads like a good idea to foster instead of adopting one, at this point.

Looking forward to your next update!

anita

Dear Bozo:

I will repeat what you shared (some of your words are in boldface) and offer you my thoughts.

You shared that your husband is soft and kind to a fault–

– to a fault means that you find fault in him being too soft, too kind, that you perceive his kindness and softness, which are usually positive traits, as excessive, leading him, I figure, to not be assertive enough when the situation calls for it..?

* Excessive kindness and overly accommodating others, in some people’s minds (not in everyone’s mind), come off as lacking confidence, of being weak and submissive, especially when it comes to men whose traditional gender role/ societal role emphasizes traits like confidence, strength ad assertiveness.

You shared that you married your husband a few months ago. In the office building where you work there is a gorgeous guy to whom you are attracted and with whom you have some sort of chemistry. You are wondering, what if he’s a better match? for you, whether the two of you are soulmates.

“I never felt that chemical-induced attraction to my husband. What we have is a deeper bond obviously, but more of an emotional one, whereas this guy caused sparks as soon as I saw him“-

– the sparks you feel for this man, a man you haven’t been with yet, these sparks are driven by a change in the levels of chemicals produced in the brain (neurotransmitters): Dopamine levels increase, creating feelings of excitement and anticipation, making interactions with the person feel thrilling.

Norepinephrine levels increase as well, causing- when in the company of the object of attraction> it causes a rush of the hormone adrenaline, which increases heart-rate, cause sweaty palms, and the “butterflies in the stomach” sensation.

Serotonin (the “feel good” neurotransmitter) levels drop in the beginning of attraction, leading to feelings of anxiety , dissatisfaction, or general unhappiness when away from the object of attraction, causing one to focus on and obsessively think about the object of attraction, and when imagining being with him,  or being physically close to him (although not with him, alone) there are feelings of euphoria and excitement.

Why do you feel this way (why this chemical cocktail) for this man (I’ll refer to him as M) but not for your husband (I’ll refer to him as H)?

(1) The Gorgeous Factor: you mentioned that M (not H) is gorgeous. I am guessing that in your perception, H is not gorgeous, at least, not close to how gorgeous M is. I figure that M’s physical looks was a trigger for the chemical cocktail mentioned above.

(2) The Mystery and Novelty Factor: the unknown can be incredibly alluring, leaving a lot to the imagination, which can heighten feelings of attraction. Some of the things that you experienced within H in real-life (examples, perhaps: how he smells when sweaty and in need for a shower, how he snores at times, if he does), you didn’t experience yet with M.

(3) Psychological Factors: M who you don’t know yet, a stranger in almost every way, represent something that you long for. Maybe you are usually slightly depressed, or bored, and M represents Excitement, something different than the ordinary.

Maybe m represents an idealized idea of a perfect match/ a soulmate, the one that is portrayed in fairy tales you may have grown up with, or in romance novels and movies: The One with whom you will always be happy (“and they lived happily ever after“).

Mabe something about the way he looks, moves, maybe his voice..  reminds you of someone you knew and admired as a child.

“(I)  hate myself plenty… Anyways, what do I do? Should I leave my job? Should I leave my husband? Should I try to get to know the person in question? Please please refrain from hate because I genuinely feel broken and damaged and really really selfish for being in this situation and having these thoughts. I genuinely feel very lost and upset.“-

– Self hate will lead you in the wrong direction. Shift from a judgmental attitude toward yourself (judging yourself as selfish and hateworthy) to => => => an empathetic attitude toward yourself. Self-empathy will lead you in the right direction.

Before you make any real-life decision while under-the-influence of neurotransmitters and hormones, figure out what it is that draws you to M: what is it that he represents in your mind and heart?

Look within: what is the origin of your dissatisfaction in life, marital or otherwise: is it a lonely childhood/ a lonely adolescence which produced an early craving for a perfect/ idealized (and unrealistic) union with another person, a union where you will never again be alone..?

is it something else?

anita

Dear me:

“They cancelled chemo because his cancer is beyond treatment“- so, palliative care is what’s left: providing the patient with relief from symptoms/ making the patient feel more comfortable, and helping family members deal with the situation through counseling, respite care and more.

It’ll be okay, for you to fall apart for a while.

Like your father, I also would like you to move on with your life. You deserve a better life, a good life.

anita

Me: earlier this very day (this Wed), way before your recent post of 16 minutes ago, I thought about asking how you’re doing, and this very evening I get your message, which I can’t read in a focused way because, well (intoxicated). I will be back to you Thurs morning.

anita

Dear Caroline:

It’s been 4 months and 4 days since you posted last and I realize today that I didn’t respond to you adequately in this thread. I would like to respond today.

* A comment before I do, for anyone who may be reading this: I am not a professional of any kind, so this is not professional input. I am relying on online information that is available to anyone with an internet connection. Never am I diagnosing anyone, nor am I using mental health terms in a way, or for a purpose that a mental health professional would. I participate in the forums in the context of self-help only: to help me understand myself/ other people better, and hopefully, my quest for better understanding will help you too.

Caroline, July 1, 2014, thread, self harm: “I feel very angry, I punch myself. I punch my legs till it hurts… I was angry because someone told me I was wrong.  And I was obsessing over people telling me ‘no’ all the time and pointing I was wrong“.

We talked earlier about the Freeze Response. As a result of Freezing, when anger is needed (so to act toward a solution to a real-life problem), anger is temporarily frozen (paralyzed). It awakens later when the opportunity to act toward a solution to the real-life problem has passed: “In present time when I don’t want to do something I go quiet. And then I get angry later” (Feb 4, 2024).

Repeatedly, or chronically frozen anger has significant effects on a person’s mental health, physical health, cognitive function and relationships, resulting, over time, in feelings of frustration, resentment and bitterness. It contributes to anxiety, depression, and a general dissatisfaction with life. It increases the risk of high blood pressure, heart disease and other stress-related conditions, and can lead to an almost constant state of tension. It can manifest in passive-aggressive behaviors that strain and damage relationships. It fuels obsessive thinking and rumination, and a pessimistic, suspicious outlook on life and people.

When anger is chronically frozen it can also lead to self-harm as a way to cope with the intense emotions and frustration involved: it’s a way to temporarily release or distract from emotional pain/ pent-up emotions.

It is very important therefore, to address anger constructively to prevent it from causing harm.

On Sept 29, 2022, you shared: “I do not have immediate reaction to abuse and maltreatment. I know why is that and probably most victims of abuse have… I do not feel comfortable, this is not right, someone is hurting me. I have to say I have those feelings but I do not trust them I guess, not enough to act“. It is then that I shared with you my experience with the Freeze Response to perceived danger. A few days later, on Oct 1, 2022, you shared: “Today at the bakery some lady stepped up before me in a queue, although I was there first. I was standing in silence (like I would always do)… When something like this happens…  I start to have panic attack and start being angry but I just stand there, do nothing and walk away.. Not sure if this is the typical freeze response“- yes, it fits the Freeze Response, and it fits another term, Emotional Flooding. It occurs when a person is overwhelmed by intense emotions, such as anger and panic, making it difficult to think clearly and take action. Paralyzed by intense emotions, a person is stuck in inaction when an action is needed.

There is scientific evidence that Emotional trauma= repeated Emotional Flooding experiences in childhood cause changes in the brain’s structure and function, and (as it happened in my case), these contributed to the development of tics/ Tourette Disorder, with the almost constant tension involved in the tics.

You shared back in late 2022: “I think I have freeze reaction for the most of the time during the day, even without the possible threat“.. Sometimes things happen, people say things and I do not react, do not respond. Only after couple of hours later I recall what had happened and form my opinion on that“.

To heal from the effects of repeated freeze reaction and emotional flooding, the following are the recommendations available online: (1) psychoeducation, (2) Grounding techniques: meditation, mindfulness, (3) psychotherapy, particularly with a therapist trained in trauma-informed approaches, and (4) Body awareness: engaging in activities that promote body awareness and reconnection, such as yoga or tai-chi.

I hope that you are well, Caroline.

anita

Dear Zenith:

The intense, persistent feeling that “something is wrong with me“, that empty feeling, I stopped experiencing it when I stopped being loyal to the person who instilled this terrible empty feeling inside of me, when I turned my back to her and to her devastating teaching/ indoctrination (that there was something terribly wrong with me). In the context of me and her (I am referring to my mother), there was nothing wrong with me and everything wrong with her.

When I am saying that there was nothing wrong with me, I don’t mean in any way that I was a perfect specimen physically or mentally. What I mean by it, is that my love for her was perfect. And she turned viciously against a little girl who loved her so. That she did just that, again and again for decades is something terribly wrong with her.

In other words, I placed the original wrong- in my life- where it belongs.

anita

Dear Zenith:

“My husband is only my best friend that I trust now. He is the best and I love him. I am spending more time with my daughter and husband. But sometimes I feel so empty that we are just 3 of us“- I am glad that your husband is your best friend, this is a lot more than many women have. I do understand though that you need more: we are social beings with great social needs. I wish you did have a group of friends with whom you’d socialize a few days or evenings every week. It makes a big difference.

I just looked it up, and wonder if IAMC (Indian American Muslim Council) can provide social+ opportunities for you..?

anita

It is sad, Zenith. I wish things were different for you, but at least your kid has a friend to play with sometimes, a playdate.

I wish there was a way to get you and her into a counseling session with a very good therapist who could help make things a lot better (I know it’s not possible though, you said she is not into psychology/ therapy).

anita