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July 3, 2020 at 10:10 am in reply to: Claims he is not choosing his parents, rather he is loosing me. #360371
BrandyParticipantHi Noor,
After reading your posts I’m relieved that you are not going to marry this man and into his family. As you struggle to make sense of all that has happened, try to recognize how valuable a learning experience this is. When we want so badly for a relationship to work it’s easy to overlook important clues that reveal a person’s true character. Thank goodness you are now seeing things more clearly: This guy is not who you thought he was.
Surround yourself with those who told you that you are out of this guy’s league. They’ll help you to see more, I’ll bet. Hang in there.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Tim,
I don’t see anything wrong with bringing your own friends to this lunch as long as your girlfriend is okay with it. I can understand why doing this would calm you. I was recently talking with my son and his gf and she told me that when she first met his friends (at dinner at a sports restaurant/bar) she decided to bring her own friend with her in order to “take some of the focus off of herself”, so I’ll bet your feelings are not uncommon.
B
BrandyParticipantHi RoseRose,
When you were with this guy you knew he was evading taxes. Failure to pay taxes can lead to criminal charges. While you were with him you saw him as “a person with high morals”. Why did you not see him as a criminal?
When planning your next move, don’t confuse justice with revenge. My two cents.
B
BrandyParticipantYou’re welcome, Rod, and thanks for the update. Glad you are feeling better. -B
BrandyParticipantHi Rod,
You are welcome. It’s hard being tired, I know. At 6 months, your baby will be sleeping through the night soon. I would talk to your pediatrician for advice on how to make this happen sooner rather than later. Bedtime plays a part in this. Also, hunger isn’t the only reason babies wake up at night; they need to be able to learn to comfort themselves and fall back to sleep on their own when they aren’t hungry. Your pediatrician should explain all of this to you.
It’s much easier to get moving each morning when you’re well rested and that’s not happening for you. I hope it happens soon.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Rod,
I don’t think this is a motivation issue. It’s a sleep deprivation issue. I have 3 kids and know about feeding babies at 4am. I strongly suggest that you stop getting up to help your wife feed the baby. I did the 4am feedings alone not because my husband didn’t want to help me but because he had to be at work at a stressful job at 8am the following morning. You need to be able to sleep from 2-8am with no interruptions, and then you need to have time on the weekends to make up for the sleep you’re not getting during the week. I hope you’re able to talk to your wife about this. Sleep deprivation leads to health issues including depression. Take care of yourself.
Making a bottle is easy. One arm is used to hold the fussy/hungry/precious baby; the other arm is used to make the bottle. Slam dunk.
B
BrandyParticipantYou are welcome. Take care, Marcos! 🙂
BrandyParticipantHi Suzie36,
I love Anita’s response. One of the sounds I love most is a group playing basketball on a warm summer evening. I grew up with that sound and it would never occur to me that it would bother anyone. Another sound I love is a rooster’s crow. Growing up in my neighborhood everyone had roosters, so it would never occur to me that a rooster’s crow would annoy a person. Anita says: …much of what bothered me was not the noise itself, but that I thought that the neighbors were inconsiderate, that they knew the noise was bothering me and they didn’t care! That infuriated me. See, and I feel the exact same way about leaf blowers…can’t people be more considerate and use an old fashioned rake to get the leaves out of their gardens? But it just now occurred to me that maybe it never crossed their minds that the sound a leaf blower could bother someone. Everyone’s different. Thank you, Anita! 🙂
B
BrandyParticipantHi Suzie36,
If your new fence is damaged, talk to the parents of the kid about it, suggest they purchase equipment (nets, etc.) needed to keep the ball from hitting your fence. Hopefully they’ll offer to pay for any damage their son has caused, but if they don’t ask them to. And if you see your husband only 30 minutes a day, you need to address this too.
There’s a basketball court in my front yard right outside my husband’s and my bedroom. We can’t move it into our backyard because we don’t have the concrete area that’s required there. One afternoon a young kid who lives nearby was working hard on perfecting his shots on our court (his mom had asked us if he could use the court) and an elderly woman in the neighborhood said to him “You’re not going to bounce that ball right now, are you? I’m trying to nap and the constant bouncing is very annoying.” So the kid apologized, took his basketball inside his house, and never came out to play again. This kid had big family problems, unfortunately. The best thing for him was to get out of his house and be active.
I realize that the sound of a kid playing basketball is very annoying to some but to others it’s not so bad. To me it’s a calming healthy sound. You can change the way you feel about a sound.
Parents of young kids are struggling during this pandemic. They can’t take their kids to local parks to run around and play football, but kids need to be active so parents are doing the best they can. Your problem is a temporary one. One day the pandemic will be over and kids will be back in school full-time and your days will be quiet again. Also, in the blink of an eye this kid will not be interested in football in his backyard any longer. He will be on his iphone/computer etc., maybe even getting into trouble too. The sounds that come from a kid playing football are so much better than the sounds of bottles breaking from a family’s alcohol induced arguments or the smells of cigarette/marijuana smoke.
Let him play football and change your thoughts about it.
I get it though. People are annoying. They let their kids do whatever their kids want to do. Why should your neighbors get away with letting their kids make so much noise when your kids are so quiet and well behaved? I have no good answer but my advice to you is that you need to figure out how to be happy in spite of other people’s annoying behavior because as your kids enter elementary school and are around a lot of other kids all day, and you’re around their parents too, things are going to annoy the hell out of you daily. Choose your battles wisely because there are countless potential battles ahead of you with teachers, coaches, principals, other parents, neighbors, PTA, etc. Let this one go. And also let go the one about your family members not paying enough attention to your kids when you did the opposite with their kids. Just let it go. Choose to be happy.
Things are not always going to go according to the plan. People are not going to act the way you expect. You have to be somewhat flexible and accommodating in certain circumstances. Don’t let everything trigger you. Choose to be more chill.
So to finally answer what I think you’re real question is, whenever you feel anger and tension, stop what you’re doing and focus on your breathing until you are calm again. Do this as many times a day as you need to and get very good at it.
B
BrandyParticipantHi David,
I love the advice you’re getting here especially the part about the breathing exercises. When I realize that my thoughts are creating distress in me I take a “time out” and focus on my breathing. I concentrate on each breath, visualizing the air entering my lungs and then exiting. When distracted by a thought during this exercise I let it go, relax my shoulders, and get back to focusing on each breath. My mind is constantly scanning for thoughts to attach itself to, often negative ones, so by concentrating on each breath I’m giving it a little break, and what a relief it is to have a little break. Like Alice said it may take many breaths to feel calmer.
David, this exercise may be very difficult and frustrating at first but if you stick with it in time you may realize that no matter where you are and what you’re doing you alone have the ability to feel better. Knowing this makes me feel empowered and brings me some peace.
B
BrandyParticipantHi KC,
You are welcome. So glad it worked out! 🙂
B
BrandyParticipantHi Marcos,
I asked the question because what I observe is that a lot of couples split before really exploring what the consequences may be. It’s possible that the freedom you so yearn for may not turn out to be as wonderful as you think. Life is weird that way.
…or maybe it will be as wonderful.
Many of us will be happy if only we can get that cooler car, bigger house, or sexier partner. I get that. But how long does the happiness last? Maybe until our new sexy partner suddenly isn’t so sexy any more, but that’s okay because we can move on to an even sexier partner, and the cycle repeats until we wake up one morning and realize that the person we were with years ago, the parent to our kids, has some incredible qualities and is really quite sexy too, but it’s too late. This person has long moved on.
Someone once said that the key to happiness is wanting what you already have.
B
BrandyParticipantHi KC,
This incident could have happened to anyone and you’ve done nothing to feel guilty about. You were concerned about your good friend who’s been depressed and isolated. You called first but there was no answer. So you went over to check on him. Your intentions were good. And your left feeling bad after crude, hurtful, and inappropriate words are spewed at you. How’s that for irony!
Life isn’t fair. Sh*% happens.
Seems to me that this guy’s got problems that you shouldn’t be feeling guilty about. His needs and feelings are not more important than your own.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Marcos,
The way you feel at age 42 is not uncommon and many couples divorce as a result. Some are happier; some wish they had fought for their marriage. I like Anita’s list of questions and will add one more if I could: There’s a good chance that after a divorce your ex-wife will find a new partner to share her life with. Are you comfortable with your kids living full- or part-time with someone who may become a father figure to them with his own set of values that may be very different from your own?
B
BrandyParticipantHi KC,
Yes, it makes sense to me. It’s hard to know why he said that. Maybe he was so drunk that he just didn’t know what he was saying. Maybe his main issue with this whole incident is that you saw him passed out and naked in his bathtub. A lot of people want to be able to control how others see them. He may worry that by seeing him in that state you may now judge him. People like to hide the things they think others will judge them for. You don’t seem like the judgmental type though.
I’d probably let things cool down for a while, give him some space to get over his embarrassment.
B
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