Hi Suzie36,

I love Anita’s response. One of the sounds I love most is a group playing basketball on a warm summer evening. I grew up with that sound and it would never occur to me that it would bother anyone. Another sound I love is a rooster’s crow. Growing up in my neighborhood everyone had roosters, so it would never occur to me that a rooster’s crow would annoy a person. Anita says: …much of what bothered me was not the noise itself, but that I thought that the neighbors were inconsiderate, that they knew the noise was bothering me and they didn’t care! That infuriated me. See, and I feel the exact same way about leaf blowers…can’t people be more considerate and use an old fashioned rake to get the leaves out of their gardens? But it just now occurred to me that maybe it never crossed their minds that the sound a leaf blower could bother someone. Everyone’s different. Thank you, Anita! 🙂

B

Hi David,

I love the advice you’re getting here especially the part about the breathing exercises. When I realize that my thoughts are creating distress in me I take a “time out” and focus on my breathing. I concentrate on each breath, visualizing the air entering my lungs and then exiting. When distracted by a thought during this exercise I let it go, relax my shoulders, and get back to focusing on each breath. My mind is constantly scanning for thoughts to attach itself to, often negative ones, so by concentrating on each breath I’m giving it a little break, and what a relief it is to have a little break. Like Alice said it may take many breaths to feel calmer.

David, this exercise may be very difficult and frustrating at first but if you stick with it in time you may realize that no matter where you are and what you’re doing you alone have the ability to feel better. Knowing this makes me feel empowered and brings me some peace.

B

Hi Marcos,

I asked the question because what I observe is that a lot of couples split before really exploring what the consequences may be. It’s possible that the freedom you so yearn for may not turn out to be as wonderful as you think. Life is weird that way.

…or maybe it will be as wonderful.

Many of us will be happy if only we can get that cooler car, bigger house, or sexier partner. I get that. But how long does the happiness last? Maybe until our new sexy partner suddenly isn’t so sexy any more, but that’s okay because we can move on to an even sexier partner, and the cycle repeats until we wake up one morning and realize that the person we were with years ago, the parent to our kids, has some incredible qualities and is really quite sexy too, but it’s too late. This person has long moved on.

Someone once said that the key to happiness is wanting what you already have.

B

Hi Marcos,

The way you feel at age 42 is not uncommon and many couples divorce as a result. Some are happier; some wish they had fought for their marriage. I like Anita’s list of questions and will add one more if I could: There’s a good chance that after a divorce your ex-wife will find a new partner to share her life with. Are you comfortable with your kids living full- or part-time with someone who may become a father figure to them with his own set of values that may be very different from your own?

B

Hi KC,

Just to clarify, you’re asking me why he would make a reference about choosing to shave that area, right? It’s hard to know for sure. Maybe he feels there’s a cultural expectation that masculine men wouldn’t concern themselves with shaving that area,  and maybe he’s been conflicted about this for some time. There’s strong social pressure for men to be a certain way and being seen as less masculine can be terrifying for some guys, I’m thinking. Or I could be totally wrong, but if he feels he’s been “outed” as less masculine than he would like to be seen, I guess I would understand his reaction, but I still think you did the right thing.

B

Hi Felix,

I don’t think you should message her at this time.

Every single day around the world girls are falling for guys who are short, shy, and have small families, so these aren’t relationship deal-breakers, but if this girl responds positively to your message, your fear of rejection will not disappear. Neither will your insecurities about being short. And neither will your doubts about your family. This girl is not going to fix you.

If you’re comfortable in your own skin, focused on being your best self, and generally happy in your life, you’ll feel less fear when approaching a girl because in the event that she rejects you, you’ll still be comfortable in your own skin, focused on being your best self, and generally happy in your life. Conversely, if you lack focus and find yourself and your life unbearable, you’ll feel considerable fear when approaching a girl because if she rejects you, you’re back to square one, still lacking focus and stuck all alone inside your unbearable self and life.

…and if she doesn’t reject you, your happiness will be short-lived because you’ll always be worried that she will wake up one morning and suddenly see you the same way you see yourself. Your insecurities will not disappear once you’re in a relationship.

You ask “how do I fix this?”:

1) Make a list of the qualities you admire most and then decide to be that person. These may include integrity, honesty, resilience, kindness, humility, sense of humor, or not, but make the list. Focus on being the person you want to be starting right now.

2) Meditate daily and educate yourself on mindfulness. The more mindful you are, the less you will suffer.

3) Exercise vigorously every day.

4) Be patient. Give it time. See what happens.

Your problems are fixable. Fix them first, then message her.

B

Hi Serife,

I need to do a better job at proofreading my posts before submitting them. I just now re-read what I had written earlier and it doesn’t read how I wish it did. While I do believe that many people are looking to elevate their status through their relationships, I also believe that many others are not and that those are the friends to find.

You say “In my personal life someone could be outgoing, athletic or intelligent and people would still gravitate to other people.” It could be that those particular people don’t value the outgoing, athletic, and intelligent qualities as much as they do other qualities. When I was your age most of my peers seemed drawn toward those who were having the most fun, you know, those organizing parties on the weekends, buying groups of tickets to live concerts, etc. And to be totally honest they were usually the most attractive and the most popular in my high school.

But not all friendships start this way. You’ll know it when it happens, when you meet someone you connect with who is excited to get to know you and be your friend just because of the person you are. Connections like this don’t happen every day. That’s what makes them special.

You ask “do u think this need for approval by people with higher status comes from the need to feel ‘protected’ or to conform to social standards?” I’d say the latter. I think people see social status as something that greatly affects their quality of life. By conforming to social standards they are essentially avoiding negative responses from the people they’re trying to align themselves with. What do you think?

B

Hi Felix,

Along with Anita’s suggestions above I suggest you give your mind a break by meditating for 20 minutes three times a day, every single day. Give it a try and stick to it no matter what for at least a couple months. See what happens.

B