Thanks for sharing this Peggy.  This harks back to when I read Neale Donald Walsch’s book “Conversations with God” soon after it was published in 1995.  The only thing I remember from it was that the only lesson we need to learn is to remember our own perfection.

For me, it is not about remembering but it is about connecting with my heart and my Truth that brings about what Burch is saying.

Burch’s list is still theory for me.  The last paragraph is the one I relate to the most and is closer to what I am doing than the other ones.

Mark

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Mark.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Mark.

bunnymac,

I want to add this excerpt from an article I found online:

“The most important thing we need to do to heal the emotional wound rejection creates is to revive our self-esteem by focusing on what we do bring to the table, whether the rejection was by a romantic partner, a prospective employer, or a neighbor,” Winch says.

Making a list of positive qualities you know you already possess can curb negative self-talk after the ego blow, and help you to bounce back sooner.

gabernat,

I would think any issue that is emotional would be more something that a therapist can help with.

What are his issues? What are his goals?

Mark

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Mark.

John,

You have shared your pain in every posting.  I hope you are getting the support you are seeking, whether it is empathy or practical advice.  I know it is easy to give advice and sometimes extremely hard to implement it.  I notice whenever I read your posts; I get a sense of hand wringing, self hatred, overwhelm, some confusion, guilt from you.  Coming from that emotional space, I can understand you feel absolutely stuck and cannot really take a step back and take action that you need in order to take care of yourself and your family.

I must say, reading this repeated theme in each post causes me to be really frustrated for it does not seem to change.  That’s my issue.  I will leave others to respond more empathetically since I don’t see you really able to do anything different.

Mark

midnightsun

It does not sound like your boyfriend is your boyfriend anymore. If he doesn’t have the guts to break up with you then you should. You’re dealing with someone who’s left the relationship already. There is no need for you should stay together.

Mark

Valentina,

I understand it is not an easy decision.  I have read that most women stay in an abusive situation until they see their child/ren threatened or abused by their abuser then that is the final trigger to make them take action.  Please don’t wait for that to happen and even he may never do that, there is what you are doing not only to yourself but to your child.

The behavioral responses of children who witness domestic violence may include acting out, withdrawal, or anxiousness to please. The children may exhibit signs of anxiety and have a short attention span which may result in poor school performance and attendance. They may experience developmental delays in speech, motor or cognitive skills. They may also use violence to express themselves displaying increased aggression with peers or mother. They can become self-injuring.

Children from violent homes have higher risks of alcohol/drug abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, and juvenile delinquency. Witnessing domestic violence is the single best predictor of juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. It is also the number one reason children run away.

Recent childhood trauma studies demonstrate how observing violence has a lasting negative impact on a child’s brain development. Each year, nearly 60% of youth are exposed to violence in their homes, schools, and communities. Over time, exposure to violence during childhood is significantly correlated with negative outcomes; childhood trauma symptoms in adults can appear as psychological issues, adverse behavior, and serious illnesses.

Mark

G

I view honesty is the best policy. Let him know that you find this interaction something that you need to take more time with and you won’t be talking to him every day. As for his understanding and limit that interaction. What do you think?

Mark

BeachGirl

What everyone else has said, i.e. have a clear, explicit agreement (he and you should consider that a contract) that your husband will not have any contact with this other woman which means blocking her and not initiating any contact.

Counseling should be the forum with an impartial mediator that both of you hash out such issues as trust, seeing your side and his side of the marriage.  Ask the counselor to help each of you understand what your concerns are.

My guess is that his side is that he wanted another woman who was more exciting and accepting of him.  She was/is this fantasy woman who was always nice, caring and did not demand anything of him.  The meal ticket comment probably came out of him feeling that that he is not valued by you.  He shows up at home with the paycheck and all he gets are complaints and demands rather than appreciation, caring, listening, etc.  I’m guessing here.

A point to make with him to help him see what he has done was wrong is to flip the tables and tell him what if you spent all your time, emotional energy, sharing more intimate details of both of your lives with some other guy.  Plus ask him how he would feel if you took family money to help this guy out, like paying a traffic ticket or his rent.

Mark