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Mark

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Viewing 15 posts - 856 through 870 (of 1,111 total)
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  • in reply to: Marriage Seperation Limbo, Am I foolish to stick around? #194109
    Mark
    Participant

    Yvonne,

    I did not see what was the reason your wife said that was the reason for the affair.  What is the reason she gave?  Are you two addressing that?

    You wrote: my wife will not fully commit to working on our marriage

    I think your marriage therapist is bogus for having you two go on a trip together as a fix.  This does not address the underlying issues in my opinion.

    For me that is the reason why you alone cannot save your marriage.  I believe you need both parties willing to work on it and re-commit to the marriage.

    Mark

    in reply to: How to forgive myself for a childhood mistake? #194087
    Mark
    Participant

    k.k.

    I wonder if there was anything other sexual incidents that have occurred when you were growing up.  How were your parents’ attitude about sex and sexuality?

    I would find it hard to imagine just that one incident made such a profound and such long lasting negative effects.

    Mark

    in reply to: Struggling With a Fight #194083
    Mark
    Participant

    thel0glady,

    You might want to apologize to him about your rudeness and see where it goes.

    Nothing like honest, open and kind communication.

    Mark

    in reply to: Social anxiety, low self esteem and confidence #194081
    Mark
    Participant

    KodenameKnd,

    I suggest when you approach someone to hang out with don’t think of it as a goal to accomplish to make a friend.  Just see if they like to share an activity with you.  Start with that.  Don’t make it as if they are going to be your friend.  Make it just sharing that one activity for that one day and see where it goes.  This way there will be little pressure on having to make this Particular person your friend  Right Now.

    If you two have a good time then you can do another activity another time and build on that.

     

    Mark

    in reply to: Intrusive Thoughts: Body Issues/Anger with family for teasing #194013
    Mark
    Participant

    Nick,

    It’s a persistence thing.  Like anything, it’s a practice.

    There is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as well as mindfulness among other practices.

    Mark

    in reply to: Can't Get Over My Birth #193987
    Mark
    Participant

    Jim,

    I am curious about your 10 years of therapy.  Are you saying NOTHING helped from that decade of seeing a professional?  Nothing has changed?  You did not get any insights or revelations about your issue and who you are?  You felt the same way as the same person today as you did when you entered into therapy?  You came away with no tools, techniques or methods to deal with your anger, resentment and other negative parts that are showing up?

     

    Mark

    in reply to: Blocked her and feel really bad #193981
    Mark
    Participant

    FFTOLA,

    If you truly want to move on from this relationship then it probably won’t serve you to trying to track and figure out her current behavior.  That is your past.  You can expend more energy being involved in her life in some manner or fashion but what would be the point?  What purpose would it serve you?

    Mark

    in reply to: What should I do with my brother #193971
    Mark
    Participant

    Dia,

    It is obvious you care and love your younger brother.  It looks like you will be swimming up river to try to effect any changes with him.  What I mean is that he is 18 and mostly formed by being spoiled by your parents.

    I am not sure if you can really do anything for him considering how he was raised and how old he is.  You can push him, encourage him, yell at him, cajole him but he has already been trained to feel entitled and privileged.

    If he does anything because of you it is not from his internal motivation, desires or goals.  This is a short term “fix.”  Once the external pressure (i.e. you) goes away then he will probably fall back to his current way of thinking and behavior.

    Since you are such an open family, share your concerns with them but you are not responsible for his life.  He is.

    It is good to understand the difference between meddling and caring.

    Mark

    in reply to: Intrusive Thoughts: Body Issues/Anger with family for teasing #193951
    Mark
    Participant

    Nick,

    I look at dealing with negative thoughts this way.  When a thought (a belief) comes into my awareness that is disturbing/upsetting/fearful, I find it best to deal with it like I do in meditation.

    I observe it as if I was another person looking in on me and acknowledge it (“hello bad thought. thank you for coming but I don’t need you anymore”).  Then I can let it go (“goodbye bad thought, it’s time for me to get back to my breathing/meditation.”). You can substitute it with the positive thoughts like anita suggested.

    Additionally you can notice where the feeling shows up in your body ( gut, etc.) and breath into that part of the body until it dissipates.  I don’t try to push it away.  This way this process incorporates awareness of your body which is related to the issue you are struggling with.  This is part of the acceptance process, i.e. noticing where in your body and allowing that feeling to be there.

    Make sense?
    Mark

    in reply to: Everything. #193949
    Mark
    Participant

    Wow Cat.  I really admire you for being the person that you are coming from that upbringing from those kind of parents.

    You have great awareness of the impact on you from being surrounded by such dysfunctional and unloving behavior.

    Each of us have the challenge to re-write our story so we can move on and create a healthier and happier life.

    I don’t believe there is one magic bullet to do this for us.  Meditation, counseling, support network, and many other ways to help us along towards that place of self love.

    I believe the key step is having that conscious awareness of who and where we are and how we got to this place (usually from our family of origin upbringing).

    Mark

    in reply to: On the road to nowhere… #193947
    Mark
    Participant

    Denise,

    It can be hard when we hit such milestones in our lives that we would look back in regret.  We can mourn our lost opportunities and past poor circumstances that shaped our lives today.

    Each moment now is an opportunity to do something different.  All we got is the present moment.  What choices can we make to get to where we want to go?

    You have already identified your desire to return to college.

    One step at a time.  Focus on taking those steps.

    Mark

    in reply to: I never feel that I am good enough. #193945
    Mark
    Participant

    Hannah,

    I don’t buy into holding in our grief and not crying.  The body needs that release, that way of taking care of itself through doing that.

    Good for you for taking steps in helping yourself from counseling, self help books, podcasts, forgiveness and self-love.  Continue doing that.  Be patient with yourself and your progress in that.  I admire your dedication and conscientious in those efforts.

    Maybe you can try the approach of whenever you have a negative self judgment, you can say to yourself “Yes that is the old Hannah (acknowledging and not denying or beating yourself up for that).  The loving, new Hannah would say/think/feel I am improving and getting better each day… ” or something like that.

    Mark

    in reply to: Social anxiety, low self esteem and confidence #193939
    Mark
    Participant

    Kodenamekid,

    What anita said… and you might want to try starting with one person to make friends with or at least to start talking to in person.  Also check out the Metta Meditation for that helps with anxiety and self-love.

    I learned in my 40s (I suspect you are a lot younger) that it took so much energy to try to be accepted by others and monitor my words and behavior constantly when I am around people.  I learned to let that go.  I have found that I started attracting people who liked me for me.

    I also worked on the notion of not caring what other people think of me.  What is the worse can happen?  In some ways my life won’t be much worse or I would think less of myself.  Plus it was more important for me to actually live as myself rather than working on being small and hiding from the world.

    Mark

    in reply to: Avoidants and Awareness #193937
    Mark
    Participant

    Craig,

    …I realized that I did not in fact want the relationship to end, but rather I wanted her silent treatments to end. Instead of saying “I am ending the relationship,” it would have been more accurate to say “Stop not talking to me. I can’t stand it. Let’s do this differently.”  … I could have been wiser in how I handled myself, …

    I believe that she is what she is no matter what you said to her or how you phrased it.  She would not have changed her behavior.

    I use to believe if the other person loved me or wanted the relationship to work then they would take in my requests and change.  I don’t believe that anymore.

    I do hope that those who are self-aware have the tools and awareness to be able to communicate back with me.  This way we can have a discussion that possibly evoke changes to make the relationship better.

    For the most part, I can only state my truth and make clear requests with the other with no attachment to the outcome.

    Mark

    Mark
    Participant

    Casey,

    From the sounds of it, the engagement and relationship is over for at least for now.  You are in the UK.  He is in Singapore.  He does not have money.  You are self-admittedly an over anxious person who needs constant reassurance. He is not great in communicating or at least not wanting to communicate as much because him needing to reassure you frequently.

    You have decided at least a couple of times to move on.  I don’t see a reason not to.  I am not sure what else you need in order to do that.  You want the money he owes you in order to get closure and move on?  I would consider that gone and if he ever pays you back then that’s a bonus.

    Mark

Viewing 15 posts - 856 through 870 (of 1,111 total)