Jenny Lynn,

Some observations of your boyfriend …

His poor anger management:

-35-40% conflict (down from 60-55%) and of that 35-40%  I would say 80% of that are things he is upset about.

-With his 80% I would say only about 30% of the time he will say what you did to actually upset him.

His poor conflict resolution and communication:

-only about 30% of the time he will say what you did to actually upset him.

-He literally says “Talking doesn’t solve anything/ Talking doesn’t mean anything/ Words mean nothing” etc.

What he is: Suspicious, Not trusting, Jealous:

-Goes through your phone and iPad without permission

-Wakes you up in the middle of the night questioning about the men in your life

-Questioning about the number of showers you are taking

-Spying on you like with where you park your car, etc.

– tracking when and when I did not leave the house by how many or which lock is locked when you get back

Not respecting you:

-See above about going through your phone and iPad

-Says that you are wasting his time and that you talk in circles

-Hangs up on you

Check out this .. Gaslighting

http://www.thehotline.org/what-is-gaslighting/

Mark

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Mark.

Thanks for explaining that Jenny Lynn.

So now the discussion on this posting is about your current partner, Glen?  Whether or not you want to stay with him?

It sounds like it’s not healthy in what I read from your posts.

Mark

Kittycat100,

As someone much older than you, I am practicing letting go of things that I cannot control.  Read the Serenity Prayer for that.

I know that is easy to say and hard to do.  It’s a practice.  You can spend your time and energy dwelling on the worst case scenarios of your life or you can focus your energy towards what feeds your joy, being in service to people and practicing gratitude.

If you find it impossible to even to attempt those things then it sounds like you can benefit from professional help.

I know that having a community, friends and family, a tribe of people who are positive and support you helps else I would dwelling too much in my head with such dark thoughts.

Mark

Ash,

I wonder after all this, that you find it difficult to move on.  You said you want to but cannot and it has affected you life profoundly.

I suspect that this man was a catalyst that triggered something that was lurking deeper.  I believe if we are healthy and congruent then we are able to rebound from life’s trials and tribulations.  I am not saying it would be easy or quick but if we have the inner resources, good sense of our self, self love then we have a core of emotional resilience to weather such setbacks.  I may be talking out of my ass but that’s my belief.

I don’t have any real suggestions for you if that is the case for you but at least it may be something that will help you find the right help for yourself.

Mark

Yes I can relate  Heretofloat.  The feeling when someone dumps you and then moves quickly onto another relationship (a marriage in fact!) can feel like a stab in the heart.  Plus wanting to get even thoughts are there as well, wishing him the suffering you are feeling is natural in a way.

It would be easier to move on if you don’t have any access to what is going in his life, e.g. social media, etc.

Good for you for making the attempt(s) for the gym Hertofloat.  On the days you are not plain up to it, just try doing a walk around the block.  Just move your body and get out into the world.

Hugs and love to you for your suffering.

Mark

Alexandra,

I believe that for the most part we don’t do or say things “on purpose” but we fall back to automatic and unconscious behavior.  It is one thing if he was conscious about it which in some ways easier to change.

People’s behavior shows who they are.  I don’t try to change them or expect them to change because it is unconscious.  I just decide whether it is tolerable for me to be around or not.

Mark

srk,

There are 12 Step addiction programs/meetings you can participate in.  There are numerous books on how to stop/create a habit.

Substitute a habit for that one.

Install blocking software on your computer.

Note what triggers you to start watching and eliminate them.

Visualize your life without it, i.e. how you would enjoy it and/or how more productive you will be and how good you feel about that.

Have a habit buddy who you can call if you feel the need to watch.

There are many more ways you can find online or in books but that’s a start.

Mark

Livy,

I agree with anita about you owning your feelings and behaviors.  You say it kills him that he is making you sad, that sometimes he does not want to come home and that you are tired of forgiving him.  Plus you are the one who is looking for solutions to his lack of sexual interest.

The problem between you two is that this is not a sexual relationship and he has no interest in changing that.  You cannot make him do anything.  He has made his choice not wanting sex.  I cannot guess what would be the underlying reasons why but I certainly would think it has nothing to do with you.

He knows what the issue is.  You made it very clear to him what that is and how that is affecting you and the relationship.  The burden of responsibility lies on his shoulders.  It is up to you to deal with his decision to not work on resolving his lack of sexual interest.  It is not up to you to fix him.

It is up to you to decide if you want to stay in a non-sexual, platonic relationship.

Mark