Hi David

Thank you for getting in touch with those feelings. A lot of people on this site have been hurt by others. It’s really important for people to understand how you feel about your actions.

I understand it’s very difficult when you start communicating with people to delve into those feelings. But specifically because you have made mistakes that you regret, sharing your emotions helps people empathise with you.

Do you have difficulty trusting or being vulnerable around others?

Do you think therapy helped you end the relationship?

I would add that while you were humiliated and shamed by those experiences, so was your ex. It was not 1 way.

Hi David

Sorry I’m going to have to get back to you in a day or two. Dealing with a lot of stress at the moment. Take care!

Hi David

It’s good that you decided to stop and see a therapist. But I think that might be because the whole situation went so far that you were hurt by it.

A good heartfelt apology details and takes responsibility for individual behaviours. If I say or do something hurtful, I describe the behaviour and I try and show that I understand how it made them feel when I apologise. For example, when apologising to my husband, I shouldn’t have snapped at you earlier, I’m sorry for making you feel hurt or uncomfortable.

Please discuss what happened with your therapist. You don’t seem to have a clear understanding of the impact of your behaviour on your partner or even yourself. I believe this is a defense mechanism, or perhaps you haven’t deeply thought about how other people are affected?

People have had to explain to you simple concepts such as cheating and how bdsm and other behaviours play with emotions such as humiliation, degradation and shame. You struggle to take responsibility for your part in it. I do believe that you want to learn. Because you haven’t disappeared when confronted with these things and after some explanation you do start to understand and take responsibility for parts of it. This and the fact that you are seeking therapy means that you’re trying.

The difficulty of these situations is that often people consent to things that they don’t really want to do, usually because they care about the person and because they have difficulty maintaining boundaries.

As Anita recommended, I suggest you do not participate in any more sexual communication with your ex. In fact, ask her to stop sending it to you. Ask your therapist about developing empathy for others. It will help you make the changes you need.

@anita

I have been less stressed since yesterday. I will probably take breaks from replying as before and leave you a note when things are feeling overwhelming.

You are very deserving of empathy Anita. It’s unfortunate that some parents just see children as possessions or an extension of themselves instead of as individuals with their own needs.

Thank you for clarifying that more original expressions of empathy are suitable for you.

I hated the phrase “It’s okay” for a long time. People would say it in an attempt to “calm” me while they were abusing me.

Ah thank you for explaining that this feeling of empathy was accessible once the relationship ended. I don’t think I have ever relaxed my views regarding my mother. I have difficulty forgiving people that refuse to acknowledge their mistakes. Some things, I believe cannot be forgiven.

I did remember thanks to our conversations that my mother was younger when she had me and my father was at least 10 years her senior, with an abandoned other family. He abandoned us too which is why there is little mention of him. As an adult I find his behaviour very concerning because birth control existed and he didn’t seem to care about the damage he left behind in either situation. When I was younger I fixated on him as an absent figure as a good person somehow because the moments I spent with him he was kind to me. Someone who wasn’t there was somehow better than the person that was there abusing me.

I am comfortable sharing these things with you Anita, as you share many similar experiences, are kind and insightful. I value our conversations, it’s just the topic that can be stressful at times. As long as I take care of myself by taking breaks when other stressors pile on I’m able to continue our conversations. I hope that you will take breaks if needed too? Please let me know if things become too difficult.

Hi Eric

I would agree with you that your past is the source of the issue. I’m sorry that your parents scolded you and shamed you by comparing your grades to others when you got bad grades as a child.

Do you want to work in the family business? What is it that you want to do? Do you have any interests or hobbies that you are passionate about?

When i asked my parents on what is my sister doing right now… she told me that she’s studying now unlike you that time (my sister is really smart, she’s smarter than me at my age)… well they said it with no intention of hurting me… but then i feel really ashamed of myself after hearing those words…

I disagree with you that there was no intention of hurting you. Whilst your parents no longer scold you, this habit of shaming you by comparing you to others has remained. Your parents could have simply said that she was studying and left you out of it.

Perhaps you could try talking to your parents and ask them to stop comparing you to others? Do you think they would be receptive to this?

I think academic performance is very much influenced by our parents. This can certainly follow us into adulthood.

You can’t change your past, but what you can do is forgive yourself and potentially make an effort to learn about interests, hobbies and develop new skills, if this is something that you have an interest in? You could also make an effort to take notice of when you do something intelligent or skillful to build up your confidence in this area.

Hi David

You did lie to her, use her and waste her life. You can only be truthful with others once you’re truthful with yourself. You’re not even honest with yourself about why you keep her around?

The only way you are going to change is to face what you did. You seem set against doing this.

You asked her to humiliate and degrade herself for your excitement, because you enjoyed watching her suffer. Can you imagine how painful it must be for someone to care about to ask those things of you? And even more painful to actually do them. And even more painful to understand that they like watching you suffer.

Then! You cheated on her despite being in an open relationship. You could have easily told her the truth. So why did you lie? To further add to your excitement by watching her suffer? And after all of this. You grew bored and tossed her aside, after everything she did for you. The amount of suffering you put this woman through is unbelievable.

Do you know what you did? Do you empathise with the horrific amount of pain she is in that you caused? Do you feel guilty about it? Do you feel ashamed? Do you hate yourself for what you did?

Do you think an apology is enough? Saying the words and not understanding the pain you caused is easy. Part of apologising is making amends. You have not made amends. You don’t even appear to understand the pain that you’ve caused. You don’t even appear to regret your behaviour. It appears that you can’t even connect to those emotions.

Btw despite your desire to change. The only reason that will actually cause change is a desire to stop passing your pain onto others. You are going to have to learn to care about others this is something your therapist can help you with.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Helcat.

Hi David

I appreciate that you want to change. Why do you want to change if you don’t mind me asking?

The thing about this type of change is that it is difficult and painful. It requires empathising with the people you hurt and acknowledging and apologising for the pain that you have caused.

It requires developing self-control so that when you have an impulse telling you that you want something, you choose to resist it because you value doing the right thing and caring about someone more than the pleasure that fulfilling the temptation would bring you in the short term.

It requires truly connecting with your self-hatred. And after you have done all the above, you have to figure out how to forgive yourself and find a way to live with the reality of the pain you caused (this is actually the hardest part).

Repeating your past abuse is easy. Saying that you want to change is easy and can make you feel like a better person (the thing is though if nothing actually changes, it’s just a lie). Actually committing to change is a difficult process that will mean putting yourself through suffering.

The way you phrase things puts distance between yourself and your responsibility in the situation.

“She calls me a liar.”

An open relationship means telling people when you plan on seeing someone else. You didn’t tell her when you were seeing someone on the side. You kept it a secret. This is a lie by omission.

The way I taught myself empathy when I was a child was to imagine how hurt I would feel if someone did the same thing to me. I feel like you have difficulty with this specific scenario.

So I would suggest imagining that someone you loved and trusted did something terrible that hurt you deeply. Something that made you feel betrayed, that you could no longer trust them, that made you feel worthless.

This is how a partner might feel when they learn that they’ve been cheated on.

Some people believe that what people don’t know doesn’t hurt them. But it does because you aren’t treating your partner with respect and are willing to risk damaging the relationship. Even if they don’t know about it, the truth exists and is often expressed in other ways.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Helcat.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Helcat.

Hi Selina!

I’m sorry for your difficulties.

My understanding of your situation is that you have feelings for someone that will never return them.

Why do you think you are emotionally invested in someone that is unattainable and will never be able to return your affection in the way that you desire?

My advice to you is to put the time in and make some friends. It might not be immediately fruitful, but in the long run it will be much healthier. LGBTQ+ friends might be a good place to start, you never know if you will develop feelings for someone else. Maybe part of the problem is the attachment to your friend? What do you think?