Hi Lily

You’ve got a lot of feedback already so I’ll keep it short.

My understanding is that being a housewife is akin to a full-time job often taking on many responsibilities.

Can you outline your work experience as a housewife for the past 10 years? Please consider, if you weren’t available to fulfil those responsibilities, who would be paid to perform those tasks?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Helcat.

Dear Anonymous

Unfortunately, emotionally attaching to someone  that you’re not in a relationship with is very risky. She set boundaries by refusing to acknowledge a relationship and when someone does that they’re unlikely to change their mind.

There is a culture of friends with benefits these days. Some people string things along enough to keep things going as long as they’re getting something out of communication and meeting up.

My recommendation is that you learn from this experience and  look out for warning signs such as these in future partners. You can easily protect yourself simply by moving on when a partner doesn’t show an appropriate level of interest.

There are many people out there who are genuinely seeking relationships. I’m sure future relationships will bring new challenges. I hope you enjoy the journey.

A few questions to ask yourself. What do you appreciate in a potential partner? What do you want from a relationship? What don’t you want from a relationship? Do you find yourself attracted to unavailable people? If so, you might want to explore why.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Helcat.

Sorry for the delay Ivygrl! I was unwell yesterday and wasn’t able to give my full attention.

I think you’re asking all the right questions, this kind of personal development takes effort, time, patience and acceptance.

Whilst wanting to improve your behaviour and emotional control is understandable and a great goal. I think it is equally important to accept your condition and the unique limitations that come with it.

When I say accept, I mean do not blame yourself when things don’t go to plan. It’s okay to make mistakes.

I’ve said before you seem very hard on yourself. You’ve mentioned that you have perfectionist tendencies. This puts additional stress and anxiety on yourself. Relaxing your attitude and challenging these thoughts. Allowing yourself to be without punishing yourself is very important for managing anxiety. One method people use when they are struggling to be kind to themselves is “what would I say to a friend in my situation?”.

You’ve mentioned that teachers tell you off for behaviours, you mentioned that your mother is strict. You mentioned your carer threatened you. This is what I meant when I asked before if you picked up these tendencies from others.

Negative emotions are as much a part of life as the positive ones. Crying can even be helpful. It can release tension and endorphins, it is a request for comfort from others. Personally, understanding my reasons for crying helped me to substitute an alternative behaviour. If I want comfort from others. I know to communicate that now.

Understanding your triggers can help you plan strategies to cope with those situations.

For example, when I’m anxious I find that I don’t communicate well. To avoid issues when I know I am going to be anxious, I often write down in advance what I would like to say. Including phrases to end conversations if it gets too much.

Personally, I have difficulties with changes to plans. This means that I need to ask others for help to figure out a new next step in the plan.

Self-soothing is a very important skill to learn to help manage difficult emotions. Meditation or journaling can be helpful for some. Practicing compassionate self-talk is another strategy. Perhaps you already have some self-care methods that work for you?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Helcat.

Hello Ivygrl!

It sounds like you’re dealing a lot. No wonder you’ve been feeling overwhelmed.

Emotions can be challenging for everyone.

As an adult with a mental health condition I found myself frequently crying for 3 hours at a time.

I am more stable now. I believe that it is okay to cry. I found that beating myself up about the behaviour prolonged the episode. Learning to treat myself with compassion and soothing my emotional responses by practicing self-care and boundary setting were key for me to overcome these issues. It takes a lot of time and effort to learn to manage behaviours, so patience with yourself is key.

A therapist might be able to help you develop your emotional regulation skills and come up with coping strategies. You also seem to be quite hard on yourself at least when you’re upset. Perhaps this is something you have learned from others?

Personally, I don’t believe that your carer responded appropriately in the situation you discussed in the library. My understanding is that a carer is supposed to support you, not attempt to punish you. Punishment would typically be a parents job if they perceived that rules had been broken.

Does being around your carer make you anxious? Do you fear upsetting them?

At the moment I would say that some of the behaviours that yourself and others are unhappy with are expected due to your condition. It will take time to overcome. I think it’s really important not to blame yourself, you are a teenager and have a medical condition. Just try and do your best! Maybe set a goal to do a little better each time.

Do you have a plan to help you with school? Perhaps a tutor might be beneficial?

On a happier note, I think it’s a great idea for you to pursue your passions.