Hi Julie,

Every other female experiences “Imposter Syndrome”. It’s a thing! Google away!

The thing about it is, “Good” is subjective. Check out Hemingway. A great writer, but was he a good person? Really?

Wayne Dyer: He was the self help guru, but the end of his life was a crap storm in his personal life. Look it up!

Everyone, each one of us, is multi-faceted.

Don’t beat yourself up!

Best,

Inky

Hi Liviana,

I hate to say it, but the impending holidays will show the real mettle of the relationship.

Will you be celebrating them together? Will he introduce you to his family? Will he give you a gift? Will it be meaningful/thoughtful? Are you going away for New Years? Will you survive until Valentine’s Day? Will he forget Valentine’s Day?

Not even getting into your birthday, or the fact that many men dump their girlfriends before Thanksgiving and take up with a new one after Valentine’s Day just to repeat the cycle.

I say don’t worry about it. Too much pressure on top of everything. Just get through the next few months!

Best,

Inky

Hi Janine,

Where is the money coming from toward your apartment? Do you work? Have a trust fund? Parents (who, you know, are family)?

Most college kids live in a dorm. I had my first apartment at twenty-three. Even though I was two years older, I, too, trashed the apartment through benign neglect.

I would recommend living in a dorm (one room!) and/or roommates.

Also Flylady dot net is a great resource!

School: College is not for everyone. Maybe you should be one of those people that take one course a semester. You won’t get a degree until you’re thirty-ish, but degrees don’t get you too far anyway unless you’re in the sciences or going into a skilled profession. (Just my opine!!)

Meanwhile, get a part time job. This will help focus you and get you out of the apartment. (And back into it to channel surf!)

Volunteer places. Go to church. The gym. Events. If you make one new friend a year as an adult you are doing great! Invite them over so you will have to clean the apartment. Ha! I keep my place “fifteen minutes to company ready”.

Why kill yourself because of some degree, temporary lack of tribe and messy place? Cultivate the phrase, “Whatever”.

Good Luck,

Inky

Hi Luke,

If it makes you feel better, I was in a relationship where the guy told me he was bi and we broke up because he wanted to experiment.  And my dad cheated on my mom.

For the guy I felt like: “Were the two years we were together a lie? Do my preferences not matter? Why didn’t you tell me in the beginning? Why did you take away MY choice before anything started? Because I wouldn’t have chosen you! Sorry not sorry!”

And for my dad I felt: “Why would you choose a skanky ho over our mother and over us? Who are you to judge me? And why should I seek your approval? Good luck with that!”

So, mistakes were made.

The good news? You’re not the one who gets to feel bad. Ever.

Best,

Inky

Hi Jo,

Mentors get in trouble when they say, “Email me anytime! Keep in touch! Friend me on social media!”

Then, to their surprise and chagrin, students do.

If my mentors heard from me once every ten years THEY’D be lucky. You see, they are no longer my mentors. They were beloved professors I’ll always remember fondly, who I would perhaps see at homecoming (again, once every ten years).

What I think happened is this guy can’t keep up with his old mentees. There are too many of you now. Or, one of his mentees became a stalker, tried to cast him into the role of Father, or became a lover entangled in his life. Then you come around (again) and his alarm bells are going off. Now, you didn’t set off the original fire. But he does smell smoke, even though it’s as benign as the grill outside.

Think of it this way: You outgrew your mentor. Repeat that every time you think of him.

Next time let him hear OF you, not FROM you. (You could have a friend make that happen for you, say, five years later. “Hey, wasn’t this an old student of yours? Congratulations! Here’s an article about her…”)

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Inky.

Hi Anonymous,

You can’t put your life on hold for a long distance relationship. Especially one where there are no immediate plans to get together! For all you know, your girlfriend is having encounters too. I know I did. Sorry that is bad news. But you can’t honestly believe she is pining away for you 100% of the time.

I say give yourselves permission to date other people. Don’t confess about your disaster, just say this isn’t working.

And forgive yourself for the new girl. Something went way wrong in your approach. Don’t be a stalker. The last few days come down with “bronchitis” so you don’t have to go in.

Best,

Inky

Hi Harshita,

Tell him that you are taking a break for a while. This way when he contacts you and gets no response, he’ll know the deal. After a couple months, perhaps reply.

A few tricks to having more power in the relationship: He always contacts you. Always keep your responses shorter than his. And always be the one to end the call. He who cares the least tends to win at these things.

And then don’t see him for a year after that. By then he’ll be crazy about you and/or you will have moved on.  Nothing is as alluring as the girl who got away who has “met someone”.

Best,

Inky

P.S. Meet someone

Hi Holly,

There is often a stupid answer: They didn’t get the text, they meant to get back to you, they THOUGHT they got back to you, their partner casually read their texts and they had no idea they got one, their eyes skipped over the text, there was an emergency, they thought it was no big deal, their mother died. *sigh*

People often ask me, “DID YOU GET THE (group event) EMAIL??”

I’m always, “YES. I get fifty emails a day. I haven’t processed it.”

Maybe CALL her next time? Maybe she gets fifty unique text subjects a day? When my friends call me personally about A Thing, The Thing jumps to a whole new real level.

Best,

Inky