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InkyParticipantHold the egg and sandwich part and give me just the bacon please! LOL
My DH loved the movie Babe so much that’s when I started calling him Babe!!
InkyParticipantWait! Hold on! When I wrote my response I wasn’t talking about people on this forum AT ALL!! These are two of my friends IRL (off the computer screen!!) Yikes! Projecting nothing, these other people really are becoming like that in their “Right-ness”.
InkyParticipantHi Gang,
I know I’m late to the party, but getting back to the Original Post ~ it is SO TRUE that no one has a monopoly on THE TRUTH!! I am tearing my hair out IRL with two of my friends who are so “Right” that no other views are an option! They have thus made everyone else (practically on the planet) “Wrong” and I have seen it lead to prejudice, judgment, anger, craziness in them! I feel like I’m the Interfaith moderate one who brings them back to reality. But that shouldn’t be my job, they are middle-aged and you would think they’d know better! (By now!)
Great Post!
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Anita,
I don’t know if you’re being sarcastic about me contacting Brooklyn, but I know what you mean. If the Watchtower told their Kingdom Hall to jump off a cliff, I’m sure my neighbors would be first in line!! They did steal my friends on an emotional/spiritual level. It will never be the same. Next time (if there is a next time) they invite me over I’m going to bring my own beer. And every time they mention JW, or Kingdom Hall I’m going to drink. If I have to hear about it I might as well enjoy it!!!
And yes, Aislynn,
I got stuck with the snotty one! My neighbors got the nice happy shiny young ones!! My view is they are lucky I even opened my door at all, so who are they to be aggressively snarky?? I tried the religious discourse/questioning, but it wasn’t an exchange at all, it was a hard sell! I’m not going to apologize for being independent and having a brain!
If anyone else has advice, insight or experience, please chime in too!!
InkyParticipantOh and the first thing she said was “Jehovah’s Witnesses also stop by on THE WEEKENDS!!!” (BOO!) LOL
InkyParticipantHi Ladybug,
I had a similar thing happen to me a couple weeks ago. My DD and I were on our way to the hairdressers and the cell phone rang. My step mother (who never/rarely calls) wanted me to get down there and see them (!!!). We were legitimately busy as DD was getting highlights so we planned for tomorrow AM.
Well, then my DS’s Special Ed teacher wanted a meeting and of course the only time before the midterms she could meet was that very morning!!
I called the ‘rents and said I was sending my DD down and then I explained my situation. I could feel the disappointment in their voices. I felt truly bad, but then I thought… WAIT!! Half my life I have been angry because they NEVER pick up the phone to see me or the kids. Unless it’s the holidays or they want something! We ALWAYS have to come to them! And then on the rare (RARE!) time they call me I am legitimately busy they are disappointed and sad and perhaps think I’m putting them off?
GOOD! GOOD!! Let them miss me!
Let your Dad miss you. And don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Maybe your mom really did tell him to do this. Look, the point is he did it! Schedule for another day, let him miss you and LOOK FORWARD to the meeting! Then go have coffee and have a nice time! If you feel really angry, cut the coffee short (the beauty of going out for coffee).
Good Luck,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Melissa,
If you really, really want him to read “I found out you were a liar and a cheat. But it’s OK now, I forgive you,” send him a POSTCARD! He will have no choice but to flip it over, see it’s from you and you have the last word with him having to hear it (read it) and have NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER. And P.S., if his Mom or GF read it, he will be embarrassed! (AWESOME!!)
HA!!
How arrogant of him ~ he lied, he cheated, he left and he won’t even read an email! He doesn’t sound guilty, he frankly sounds arrogant.
Sometimes when we say “I forgive you” we are giving ourselves a win which the other person won’t even acknowledge. We are communicating that THEY are wrong, that it DID happen, that you NOTICED IT, and that it MATTERED. That YOU matter! AND that you are willing to let it go, in a triumphant way.
As long as you don’t use “I forgive you” as a weapon, I think he needs to hear it and that IT’S OK!!
Good Luck,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Hannah,
As you know, avoiding something is usually more painful than doing it!
I always think, “What’s the worst that could happen?” And then I answer the question. Also, it’s a seminar. Seminars aren’t generally as “serious” as classes. Enriching, yes. Useful, yes. But not Do or Die. Unless I totally don’t get it!! (I was a liberal arts major lol). If you are nervous about it being “All You” have the students be interactive or volunteer to help you!
Good Luck, Be Brave!
Inky
InkyParticipantHi John,
Well the way you deal with any addiction is
1. Cold Turkey or
2. Slowly starve it.
You say you can’t escape his orbit. OK. I totally get that. But can you say, “For TODAY I will not talk to him, contact him or see him?” Meaning if he texts or calls you don’t call him back THAT DAY. If you run into him, say “Later” and keep running. You don’t show up for the activities “Can’t make it this time”.
When you are successful, it will exhaust you, but congratulations!
The next month do this for TWO days! It doesn’t have to be back to back.
I had to do this with one of my friends to break their spell over me. I got to not contacting/communicating/seeing/interacting with them for three weeks out of the month! Yes, it took two years. Yes, there was an upset (their end). But that’s what I had to do.
Try it!
Good Luck,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi J,
When I was in elementary school I had an art teacher who I practically worshipped. He saw that I would be an artist, and put as much attention to me as time would allow. He smoked a pipe (back in the days when you could do that in/outside the classroom). He would turn tragedies into triumphs (water spattered on my dinosaur painting and he said it was now advanced art!). Aaahhh, Mr. F, you were an inspiration!! I know I can contact him on social media, but I am stymied and shy about it. I am not the quality/quantity/relatively famed artist I wanted to be and it wouldn’t be the same, you know?
Then there was Mr. C, my HS teacher who filled many, many hats: My basketball coach, my advisor, my Econ. teacher AND my Oceanography teacher! He was fun yet flash-point unforgiving of the world, yet profoundly caring of his students who would become part of the world. I asked him after my grandmother died, “How come you’re being so nice to me all the time?” (months and months after the death) and he said, “That’s why we’re all here.” Still carry THAT with me and live it!!
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Sunshine,
Do you know what HE looks like IRL? I mean what if he’s fat, bald and twice your age? There’s also such a thing as chemistry. No matter how attractive each person is, there’s either an instant “YES” or “ewg” factor that has nothing to do with it.
He might be better as an online friend, frankly as the picture in your mind/s will be different from IRL in any case.
Can you find out where he works and do a drive by sighting?
And yes, I have met people IRL (book authors) and was almost always disappointed. Who are their gifted editors?? LOL! It’s always different, meeting outside of the original “form”.
Good Luck,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Again,
Can you leave while he gets help for the drinking? It may seem like a tall order (for him!) but sometimes we need “little hurts” (or a big one!) to nudge us in the direction we should go.
Regarding the housework and the job… If you leave you would have to maintain a house/apartment and work anyway… I would get my ducks in a row (employment and my own bank account) so I can leave. I would also liquidate all my stuff that I don’t need (so you aren’t saddled with things, you can pack lightly and go). He WILL see what you’re doing and get nervous. As he should be.
It will get worse before it gets better. But once you’re through the porthole so to speak, it will be a huge relief!
My whole “Keep the house in order” advice is so he will more clearly see in stark relief that YOU are fine. That HE is the common denominator for all the problems.
Good Luck!
InkyParticipantJoining the party here…
Here’s a quote that will also drive you crazy, but I think is true…
“People are here for a lifetime, a reason or a season”.
I tell people “Be thankful that it happened!” You had several great moments. It was so good that it’s a major bummer that it ended!
I also tell folks “If it happened once, it can happen again”. Of course, maybe not with the same person, but the potential is there.
Blessings,
Inky
January 10, 2016 at 6:05 pm in reply to: Thoughts and Advice from married couples of age 35-45 #92017InkyParticipantAfter a certain age it’s not normal and it’s about the drinking imho… Just my quick opine!
InkyParticipantHi H1978,
There are several things going on here at once so I will try to break them down (meanwhile knowing that everything compounds each other).
1. The Household Maintenance: I know it’s not fair, but give the ALLUSION (illusion?) that things are running smoothly at home. It will put somewhat of a balm on his bad mood (again: I know it’s not fair, but let’s do something that works.) Go to Flylady.net, it is a wonderful household running resource!
AM: Get fully dressed before he does, shine sink in bathroom, make bed, put in load of laundry (the sound of the machine will calm him down), give him a cup of coffee, put the pots and pans and clean dishes away from dishwasher
Before he comes home: Do load of laundry (dry, fold and put away), declutter for 15 min. a day (work on one “Zone” a week). Have a Good Smell coming from kitchen when he gets home (Trust me).
Bedtime: Do dishes and lay out clothes/things to prepare for the next day
Weekly: Change sheets, vacuum, etc. If you can swing it hire a cleaner occasionally.
2. Tutor kids for after school. It won’t bring in a lot, but will cover grocery/clothes $$. And it’s hard for him to be mad when there is company (leaving) when he comes home and you’re clearly doing something. A Coach for getting into college is hot right now (Essay editing, SAT tutor, etc.)
3. His outbursts are becoming a bad habit. Let him know that this is happening without blaming him. Tell this to the therapist.
I have done #1 and it DID make a difference! Now my DH knows when he is drifting into being an azz (#3) as he has nothing/”nothing” to complain about.
Good Luck,
Inky
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 