Hi JuliaM,

Honor your feelings that something is “off”.

Also, it sounds like he is very removed but this moving in together is the only thing he’s passionate about. What’s up with that? Is it the money? Is it to eventually mooch off of you? Is it because he is secretly gay and this will “prove” that he’s a regular guy? Is it to ease you into marriage (military people are very traditional in that respect)? Very strange.

Who the heck knows. But off is off. I know you’re in your thirties, but trust me, you still have some good years left to have kids.

Keep your own place!

Inky

Hi Connie,

I would concentrate on your current suitor. And if you do mover out of the country, that would end things anyway!

If this guy was a chronic lair, what would have made him change? Consider that he’s only revisiting you because his lies caught up with him.

Best,

Inky

Hi jasny,

Well, of course you might feel devastated. It sounds like this guy was your first real friend, your first real love, your first relationship, your first everything!

You should not feel suicidal and I’ll tell you why. Life is not like a Disney movie where the princess marries the first person she meets (who turns out to be a prince, by the way!) Statistically you are NOT going to marry the first boyfriend you have. Statistically, NONE of your relationships will be the one that leads to marriage. Generally, people go through several boyfriends and girlfriends (we can Google the exact number) before settling down.

As for this guy, what I would do is go radio silence on him. Give him a chance to miss you. When he calls assure him that you are still alive and then tell him you have to run you’re late to a meeting, or whatever…. No one wants to be held emotional hostage by a suicidal person. You are holding him emotional hostage. You really think he will come back to you if you keep this up?

Best,

Inky

Hi sadman11,

If a guy who thinks of himself as a “sadman” started comparing me to other girls who were better, and criticized me I would “take a break” from him too.

Don’t be fooled. She didn’t take a break. She dumped you.

Maybe, just maybe, NEXT YEAR come back with a new way of looking at yourself and apologize. It might be more meaningful after some change and distance has passed.

Best,

Inky

Hi Yonatan,

Here are my thoughts in no particular order:

1. Maya is too young to get married

2. The bride’s parents traditionally pay for the wedding. End of story.

3. I know the Orthodox get married very fast. She is from a secular family, correct? Maybe it was going way too fast for them? Just because you are now Orthodox doesn’t mean you are bred in the bone Orthodox. Neither is she. And definitely not her parents.

4. Her mother hinted that you propose. When you did I think they realized they threw themselves into cold lake water. Meaning it was all too soon.

5. I have a son who needed extra time at school because he’s dyslexic. He is brilliant, not schizophrenic. Clearly you are brilliant too if you could support yourself in Connecticut and find a job fairly immediately when moving in this economy.

6. Her parents went way over the top because they wanted this whole engagement business to end. The plain truth is they couldn’t handle their spoiled daughter who is too immature to get married. So they PROJECTED their rage onto you.

7. If you were my son I would be very, very proud of you!!

8. When someone or something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Prayers for you, who have a beautiful, sensitive soul,

Inky

Hi Vaughn679,

This may be hard to hear, but are you ready?

As a woman in her forties who has a dear friend in his twenties, I can definitively say… She’s not thinking about you at all.

The forties are a trippy time when our parents suddenly need our care and when we may start to get our own health scares.

When the children are teenagers and our property taxes go up.

When our husbands get mid life crises and want to move to France.

You get the picture.

Also, to you two weeks are like two months. To her two weeks are like two days. As in “Where did the time go??”

What I would do is dial it WAY back. Call her on her birthday. Invite her this summer to a get together.

Relax,

Inky

Hi Alisha,

I will tell you the magic words to say to him. Are you ready? Is he sitting down?

The magic words are:

“I’ve met someone.”

Say them inexplicably and out of the blue. Blind side him. His only clue that something is different is that you will have inexplicably, out of the blue stopped sleeping with him exactly three weeks before the announcement.

He will be thunderstruck. He will demand to know who it is. Be pensively silent. Say you don’t want to ruin it.

He will think it must be true. You haven’t slept with him in three weeks! Why would it not be true?? When he asked you your answer was “I need to get myself together”. (What he said to you!)

If this doesn’t jump start him, you don’t want this kind of clueless man in your life.

Hint: Go on several dates so you can truthfully say you’ve met someone.

Best,

Inky