Hi TTK,

At least you acknowledge this about yourself. So many people don’t.

What I would do is show him what you wrote here.

Now that you have a child together, I would focus your primary attention to her. This relationship will either thrive, hobble along, or fail. No matter. Hold your tongue around him. I imagine you can’t easily afford therapy in terms of time and cost with a baby in tow.

Just hold your tongue until it bleeds. If you do that is more than half the battle!

Pretend your BF is a nice stranger. Would you talk that way to a nice stranger? If he says something that makes you mad, practice the art of walking away.

Good Luck,

Inky

Hi hmmnowwhat,

What I have done is not retaliate, but make THEM very uncomfortable and have to either drop it or have to explain themselves.

Simple examples:

“I don’t talk like that.” (deny every put down and label. Every. Time.)

“What do you mean?”

“Not to bring up bad memories, but how did you overcome YOUR weight problem/dead end job? Oh, you didn’t? Sorry Bob! We thought you had one.”

“I don’t like that.” (Then leave room)

“I have? Give me a for instance.”

“I have two questions. Why are you laughing… and why are YOU laughing?”

If it’s one person in particular that does this call them on it PRIVATELY. Make them sweat as they hem and haw on the phone.

Then have an ally (or two or three) pull him aside and say, “Not cool, Bob” if it continues.

A nuclear option is to say, “I can’t believe you said that” and as you leave the party have them overhear you say to someone, “I KNOW! I’m embarrassed for him too….”

Good Luck!

It gets better as you get older. Be the tough old broad no one messes with.

Inky

Hi Feathering my nest,

I going to warn you, I’m not gonna lie: He WILL come back to you. He will come back and give out “feelers”. NOT to necessarily get back together with you, but for a self esteem boost.

YOUR best bet is to say (whether he asks you or not) an easy breezy, “You had your chance, sweetie!” and a passing “Hey there, little buddy!”, a head noogie (preferably in public as if he is your kid brother), and a dash (ONE) of him seeing flowers/cards/texts/messages to you from other guys. And then you have to get off the phone or leave in fifteen minutes. (He’ll put two and two together that you are nobody’s backburner).

Leave him alone for at least a year. When (yes, when) he comes back to see how you “are”, give a smirk and an eyeroll, and tell HIM, “Babe, last summer was such a mistake, PLEASE don’t get the wrong idea” as if you dumped HIM.

Maybe, just maybe, in a few years he’ll be kicking himself, and then you can give him another chance. If you’re not with someone by then. (You will be).

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Inky.

Hi Again!

So it’s more that you want it every day and he’s a once a week person? Or is it closer to you would be happy for once a week and he’s once a month? Or worse! Is he Asexual?

Asexuality is a thing. There are people out there believe it or not who just don’t think about, want, or care for sex.

One other explanation is medical. A guy in his thirties should not be “tired” unless he’s a day laborer working twelve hour shifts or something LOL.

Inky

Hi dreaming715,

Being turned down by a guy is tough because in our culture the common thought is “Guys want it all the time”. But guess what? You just have a higher sex drive than he does (right now). In another ten years he could be the one whose sex drive is higher than yours if yours goes down. Who knows? I would not take that personally at all.

As for being giving in the bedroom, maybe your guy views sex as more of a physical release than as an elaborate exchange.

I don’t know, maybe buy some sex books with fun new techniques (for him to make you happy) or go to a store for toys. I recommend The Kama Sutra. I think you will find that quite satisfying… for both of you! 😉

Good Luck,

Inky

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Inky.

Hi Joseph,

I’ve never read or heard that in black and white terms. And if it’s only true for the monastic life, remember! People usually have full lives before they make the decision to enter a monastery! Not everyone on the planet becomes a monk!

Best,

Inky

Hi Ben,

Of course you feel anxiety! You moved to his country and he’s willing to see you again. Then he says he wants to marry you. Meanwhile he “doesn’t like you” and you have to spend a night or two alone because there’s no room. My goodness, anyone would feel anxious!

Are you LOCAL in his country relative to him? Or will this be another long distance relationship within the country? Are you certain he won’t feel stalked and that you moved here just for him? (Did you?)

Well, see how the trip goes, THEN deal with your inner state!

Good Luck,

Inky

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Inky.