Hi LoveAndLive,

You made the right decision. Let me repeat this: YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.

On a much lighter scale, this reminds me of the time all the guys in college boycotted Valentines Day because it was a Hallmark Holiday. Guess what? They by and large found themselves single and hurting February 15th/. Are you sure he’s not polyamorous only because everyone else is seemingly “polyamorous”?

Polyamory sounds so hip, cool, enlightened and valid. Until it turns out it isn’t when tested in real life.

Silly boy, he IS a monogamist after all, only because no girl he will actually meet in real life (yes, even the girls who “claim” they’re polyamorous because it sounds so hip, cool, enlightened and valid) will stand to be in a polyamorous relationship themselves. At least not for long.

This is so typical. So twenties. So “I’ve found a hedonistic romantic loophole” and “my polyamory trumps your monogamy because it’s so hip, cool, enlightened and valid”. So “Don’t you know monogamy is a social construct?” (even though it’s been around for hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution so cavewomen’s children didn’t starve because the father was messing around).

If you want to keep this in reality hapless, uncool, unenlightened, “oh please” guy in your life, keep him hanging for at least a year, then generously forgive him for his youthful ways (or not at all).

Good Luck,

Inky

Hi Katie,

It’s been a couple years now. I’m sure Anna, Amanda, you, and even Hannah are sick of the boyfriends. In my fantasy for you you’re in a BMW. You drive up, kidnap your old friends, and speed off, to the befuddlement of the guys. You drive them, protesting, but secretly delighted, to a retreat center far away which is really a spa. Cell phones are thrown out the open rooftop. They hit the highway, still chirping, pinging, and vibrating. You finally emerge from the spa ten days later, happy, gorgeous, and re-bonded. The spell is broken! But before the old boyfriends can wrest back control over them, the clock chimes. You all go to college, victorious and free.

The End.

Inky

Hi Juan,

Hopefully this is just aspects of his life before you still cycling out. However, you always had a gut feeling something was off. Now that you have proof, that just cements the feeling.

You could be honest and simply say, “This isn’t working”. You don’t even have to explain why.

OR you could also comment on how you are totally turned off by creepy people, “you know, the kind that keeps weird photos  or does sketchy texting”. Or if a show on TV portrays a character like that, you could visibly and audibly shudder. This will hopefully “convict” him so he always feels creepy and shameful when/if he engages in such behavior again.

The TV thing works, by the way, about once a year when they portray the character of a desperate woman putting the moves on a married man, I always comment, “They don’t have to be pretty.” Husband twitches.

Good Luck,

Inky

Hi Gee,

I would reframe the situation in your head. Instead of thinking “I might be in love with him” think “I am very fond of him” instead. You can be very fond of a colleague. You can be very fond of someone who is married. The statement is true and not provokative, and you can look people in the eye and say your truth, even theoretically his wife. You can say to anyone who asks (they won’t), “Yes, I am very fond of (Tom).”

Try that sentence out for a while and see if it makes your angst go down.

Best,

Inky

Hi LotusLeaf,

This would be like children asking their divorced parents to get together for the holidays like old times just so the kids could be happy. Other than in a smattering of enlightened people or in movies, THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

So don’t feel guilty.

Sister Two can alternate celebrating holidays at respective sibling’s houses.

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi Galaxy,

Older sisters can be annoying LOL. Especially when they’re grown but not flown! Oh, how I remember the infamous Laundry Wars at my Mother’s House when she was freaking 30 and would stay there all day to “just get (6) loads done”!

The most you can do, I’m afraid, is ask (one for as many times as she gets on the phone): “So, how’s the apartment search going?”” Do you need any extra cash to hasten you to your goal?” “Oh, saving up 2K is easy, I’m going to miss you next week!” “Mom and Dad won’t say so, but I overheard them complaining about the noise.” “You should really do the dishes and get flowers maybe for Mom and Dad as a thank you.”

If she gets subtle (and not so subtle) messages that she’s a guest and this moving back in is not an entitlement, she should be out of there sooner rather than later.

In the meantime, now would be a great time for YOU to travel and go out more! 😉

Good Luck,

Inky

Hi Halle,

It’s bad enough if he treats you that way when you’ve done something wrong.

Him treating you that way when you’ve done nothing wrong is intolerable.

Guys will hit on you. Are you going to live in a cave? Why didn’t he confront the other guy at the party? The answer is you are SO much easier to pick on than another guy!

Pack his bags for him or leave.

Best,

Inky

Hi Mark,

The FOO influence doesn’t have to manifest romantically. Friendships and work relationships can be haunted by the FOO!

Some of my past BFs, and my current DH, is decidedly NOT my father or mother! Of course, some “were” LOL.

When we’re attracted to someone, it helps to ask ourselves “WHY?” i.e. WHY is this handsome, witty person who is condescending so charming to me?” When we clearly see abuse/neglect/personality disorders for what they are, and resolve firmly not to get sucked into that, then that frees us to go out only with people who are nice, attentive and healthy.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Inky.