Hi Bee,

I would make it a goal to move out. You can do it. It’s called rentals and roommates.

While you are living in his grandmother’s home, it’s imperative that you have one room that is completely yours. If there is paint or wallpaper, repaint it. Get Ikea furniture. Get a new mattress. Paint your own pictures. Replace the old pictures. Put your own photos out. Do this when he’s gone for a block of time. When he gets home it’s a done deal. “Oops!”

Then you can work on the bathrooms. New bathmats, new shower curtains. Etc.!

Every Christmas or Birthday gift him something new for the house. Slowly get rid of the old furniture. Keep the old ones in the basement or attic. (And get rid of one piece he’ll never miss once a year.) Do this twice a year.

In short, you need your own energy imprints (YOUR art, furniture) to make a house a home.

Best,

Inky

Hi LinLin,

Well, you lived quite fine without seeing him everyday for the several years you were just friends. SOMETHING is triggering the over the top separation anxiety. Is it just him or have you always had trouble being alone? Do you need to hear “I love you”? Some people do, you know, and him not saying it and his explanation sounds like a cop-out to me, frankly.

Well, what I would do is schedule events to go to when you’re not at home or work. And all your friends and family that you have? Schedule times to see all of them! In fact, sleep over at your friends’ house and vice versa. Go on your own overnight trip. Be so social you don’t have time to miss him! Be so busy you “can’t even”!

Buy yourself things you’ve wanted, or go to the spa, as rewards for getting through this. Pick out new Netflix series to watch. Listen to books on tape. See movies in a theatre.

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi Manda,

Being friends with someone who (according to your husband) gave him oral and had tried to (successfully?) cheat with other people’s husbands (according to her?) is a little over the top.

It’s good of you to still be her friend. But let me tell you, sometimes when people have a reputation or have actually done something over the top, they can’t deal with it.

Let’s say she did that with your husband and you believe it happened. She can’t deal with it.

Let’s say she did nothing wrong and your husband is talking out of his azz and you believe him. She can’t deal with it.

She could barely handle that you, the Stage 4 cancer victim, beneficently forgave her. But now that you are a hard broiled cancer survivor she really can’t handle it.

Tell her that you’re not going to apologize for believing your husband. And that you hope she conducts herself like a lady in the future.

You don’t need that kind of drama in your life! Believe me, there are PLENTY of worthy people to be friends with who wouldn’t give other people’s husbands a thought on their worst days.

Best,

Inky

Hi eaglestare,

Hey, long time no see!! Yes, I am doing well. Glad you have more fur babies and are continuing spiritual practices and studies!

Update: All my kids (my life) are grown and flown. I am still typing away on Tiny Buddha. Took up running and am working on a writing project. My beloved cat Tubbs died, but haven’t been quite ready to adopt another enlightened being. Will gladly adopt my daughter’s cat Taco though if she ever can’t keep him.

Bright Blessings,

Inky

Hi Again,

It might be a cultural thing. I am so used to people with small families. They do happen 😉

It sounds like you don’t want the girl to catch wind of your family’s problems. I don’t think she would. Also, it depends on the girl.

Relax and just get the girl!

Inky

Hi joanna.s,

Wow, there is so much here. Do you mind if I number my thoughts?

1. You have to internalize that your mother failed in her role as a mother. In a fundamental way. You have to find a way to internalize that “OK” stamp.

2. The Bible has this idea of God as your actual Parent. (Or the Universe, if you will.) There is even a line where, “Though my father and mother abandon me, You take me in”. So view yourself as literally a Child of the Universe. A Child of God. When your parent fails, The Universe swoops in. And it has, hasn’t it? Look harder.

3. People move all the time. Move and don’t tell anyone. Then when they bring your old place up say, “Oh it wasn’t working out so I moved closer to the city or to a real village with shops, etc.” Be bored when you say it as if you moved years ago.

4. Get your license. Even people who hate to drive, or claim to hate to drive need one. It’s another form of identity and makes life so much easier in any case.

5. The Universe has given you its “OK”. You are an adult. You are here. You are well. You made it, despite everything! Imagine you are a forest creature. Forest creatures shuffle around, complete in their forest creature-ness. They aren’t tormented that they aren’t forest creature enough. They just are, dammit! And they will fight if their mother tries to take their food. Ha!

6. Maybe take a break from talking to your mother. Then you can hear “you” more clearly.

7. If you want to study psychology, you can! It’s not too late! I promise you! Thirty? You’re not old!

Best,

Inky

Hi Narsil,

I love how he moves to London and quickly decides it’s not his place. Well, what if Rome isn’t your place?

Also, you have been seeing this guy for over a decade. Do you want marriage? Children? It’s time to get real about if that’s what you ultimately want.

Instead of blaming your brain and trying to rewire your hard drive which may be telling YOU that this is WRONG…

What I would do is take a break from him and fly back to London. Be back home for a month. You will have more clarity.

I would rather be a girlfriend that flies to Italy every month or so to meet her lover than have panic attacks in Rome over some guy who may or may not be my future husband.

But that’s just me.

Best,

Inky

Hi apple-slice,

I for one HATE Facebook calls and Skype, etc.

Only my beloved children am I relaxed for about video chats.

But I hate viewing my best friends, my sister, etc. I don’t know why either. Maybe I don’t think I look “great” or I’m not photogenic. Another of my friends is NOT photogenic. He always looks like a creeper when he video chats. He looks like Jabba the Hut, only Jabba is more attractive.

Give both of you a break and just CALL. Then when you see each other in person it will be awesome.

Best,

Inky