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InkyParticipantHi alyaB_,
I think your vision is more paranoia than intuition. That said, a guys who habitually checks out beautiful women online is going to keep doing that out of habit. You two aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend yet. Him initiating contact is a good sign.
My suggestion is to see him and NOT sleep with him once and then see how he takes it. If he keeps contacting you that is your second good sign.
Good Luck!
Inky
InkyParticipantHi JemmaJune,
Some people are asexual. Some guys are incredibly passive. I say keep him as a “cuddle buddy” and as a best friend. Then later (or sooner!) acquire a real boyfriend. Of course you will have to be brutally (yet gently) honest. Say you don’t want to change him and you love him exactly as he is but you are a sexual being. That you should shed the “boyfriend/girlfriend” definition.
Good Luck!
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Em,
I would keep him as a stay-at-home dad and revisit separation when the kids are in college/adults. We know he’s not good with paperwork, whether from the school papers to files, so if he does return to work, it should be at a job where he just has to show up and not deal with paper/processing files at all. If he doesn’t, like I said, stay-at-home dad.
As for the flirting/texting, that is just the frustrations/fantasies of the stay-at-home parent. This other girl won’t go there. Going to be terribly un-PC here, but no woman will have an affair with a (sorry) stay-at-home-dad (sorry not sorry, stay-at-home dad who I wouldn’t have an affair with back in ’04 LOL!). Let him have his fantasy, OR take away his cell phone (she who makes the money makes the rules), OR let her have him! It would do you a favor maybe!
Good Luck!
Inky
InkyParticipantHi mouse,
I agree. Give him space. Let him have that uncomfortable “Should I call??” feeling.
Another thing is that guys usually stick together, are loyal to each other and can influence each other. If he’s not strong enough to think for himself about you without his friend’s input, then he’s not the guy for you.
And no more weekends with guys UNTIL you are in that relationship!
Best,
Inky
December 16, 2017 at 8:09 am in reply to: Help Me Understand If You Have Any Insight Into This #182495InkyParticipantIn Classical Literature there was Penelope, who staved off a hundred suitors while Ulysses was at sea for twenty years.
Do you know what the difference between you and Penelope is?
Penelope was Ulysses wife!
This guy of yours is just a suitor lost at sea.
Inky
December 15, 2017 at 4:50 am in reply to: Help Me Understand If You Have Any Insight Into This #182317InkyParticipantHi Maggie mac,
I would be truthful and say that you have met this other man for lunch. And tell him that you want to date other people. This should rightfully shock him out of complacency. He will either break up with you because he can’t handle it, or put a ring on your finger.
Your feelings for him suddenly diminishing is NORMAL. We are not meant to be maidens-in-waiting but are meant to be loved, sought after, romanced and fought for. (If I do say so myself!) So naturally we are drawn to people who love, seek after, romance and fight for us.
“Lady’s Choice”!
Inky
InkyParticipantThere are plenty of attractive fifty-something women! You can always make yourself look ten years younger.
Just remember: Right now it’s all about the kids.
Inky
InkyParticipantHi alibro991,
My vote is that you leave… AFTER the children are in college! As a mom, it is SO important that you and the dad are both at home. Your teenagers are more likely to rebel if their very own mother is out partying and never home. You are essentially choosing the single lifestyle over them. The mother leaving home and having affairs is even more of an abandonment psychologically for them than the father doing it. No one wants their MOM ditching them for some single lifestyle. Forget your husband. If you work it out, great. If you don’t work it out, let him be boring and mad. In the old days marriage was really for the stability of the home ~ for the children. And for inheritance purposes. Not necessarily for love. Now you go back home FOR the children! When they go off to college, then you can separate. They will be better off for it. Trust me.
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Again!
A starter boyfriend is like the “first pancake”. When you make pancakes you always throw out the first one because it is burnt/ half baked/no good. Then you get jamming on all the other, perfect, golden, pancakes. Your REAL first boyfriend is the one you tell your grandkids about. This guy you wouldn’t want to brag about. He will be “this guy I was with” as a cautionary tale, perhaps.
InkyParticipantHi Astid,
Did you take him right back after he cheated? Did you at least “take a break” from the relationship after his dopey confession that this other girl was “hotter” and you were “boring”?
I think even with a year of surface-y good behavior from your BF you are still PISSED.
You need to take your power back.
Say you’re bored and need a break over the holidays. Casually post a picture of you with a hot guy over social media. Sit back and wait. Your BF will either detonate your relationship (good!) or he will probably get nervous now that he has all this excitement in his life over you potentially with a hot guy (“We’re just friends” you say. “We’re just talking” you say). After the New Year he will be that much more mature. Then YOU decide if HE is worth it.
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Katie,
He is damaged from his (non)upbringing. He has to be re-trained, but you are not the one to do it. The best you can do is, at the first hint of abuse, is to take yourself out of the situation (take separate cars to places so this could actually happen) and then stay away from him for a while.
So if he disrespects you in a restaurant, get up from the table and LEAVE, even after you’ve ordered your food. Then don’t take his calls for a day.
He’d apologize and then eventually become abusive again. A week later you’re at a coffee shop. He gets abusive, LEAVE (with your coffee LOL) and don’t communicate with him for two days.
ETC.!, Etc…
Eventually he will either learn how to treat people respectfully AND/OR resent you for making him act like a human being. Like I said, it’s not really your job and I’m sorry, he honestly sounds like a STARTER boyfriend. BUT! This is what you’ll have to do if you’re not “done” with him yet!
Good Luck!
Inky
December 11, 2017 at 8:43 am in reply to: He's still likes his ex's social media. Should I be worried? #181545InkyParticipantHi jenna,
You have to take this a little seriously only because they just broke up and they were serious enough to consider marriage. I think that he “Likes” his exes’ social media as a way to still have his foot in the door in perpetuity. In fact, if YOU had social media, he’d be “Liking” every other picture you post there as well.
I say have fun with him, but don’t invest your heart into this guy.
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Therlie,
I suggest you first finish your studies. By then it will be a couple years later. Then I suggest you can return to Cambodia and see him. I promise you, this guy will seem so much less attractive and enticing when you give it a few years. In the meantime, to break your addiction, I would slowly end the video chatting to once a week. Then next year to once a month.
Good Luck,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Name,
There is a classic saying: “People who ask if they are sociopaths/narcs/psychopaths usually AREN’T.” If you were a true sociopath, being worried about being one would never have crossed your mind. You said yourself that you were raised like an animal. Heck, if I had your upbringing, I might turn out worse! You are probably very sensitive and want deep connections.
I hope you find your “tribe”! Connections are possible.
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Peony,
I think it’s good that he’s had a little scare. Once lawyers start writing things up it is all so official and serious on paper. He now knows first hand that you are a woman that will walk her talk, and will chew her arm off to get out of a trap.
It’s hard to admit that you have an anger problem or a drinking problem. That his coping device for handling problems is in itself a problem.
I say give him another chance. But that other chance involves AA and anger management meetings.
Good Luck!
Inky
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