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JadeParticipantI am also very frugal-minded and prone to feeling like I can’t afford “frivolous” things (aka anything other than bills and groceries). It’s a very common problem with people who are Savers.
One way I’ve found to combat feelings around money is to counter negativity with facts and truth. For example, I always FEEL like I can never eat out, it’s excessive and unnecessary. But when I track my spending on a day to day basis, I can see that I’m actually under budget at the end of the month and there IS money to spend on something as simple as a delicious burger or stir-fry.
Another thing I’d suggest to formally budget in a “Things Tiffany Wants” category in your budget. Put aside a set amount of money every month, just $5-10 if you want, and after 6 months you spend the saved up money on all the things you don’t think you could afford.
I automatically contribute part of my salary to a Planned Spending account that is set aside for expensive things I want/need… new smartphone, dance classes, a TV stand, tropical vacations, etc. It’s important to save money and be prepared for the future, but not at the expense of the present!
August 11, 2014 at 10:05 am in reply to: Help ! trying to figure out the weird world of online dating #63102JadeParticipantI extensively used online dating services on and off for 4 years before meeting my now fiancé, so I can share a little bit of my own experience. Even when I messaged someone that I wanted to meet them, it didn’t stop me from continuing to browse through the other profiles. It was only once I was consistently meeting up with someone in real life that I would drop off from browsing the online dating world. Dating is just dating to me, playing the field. Unless there’s a mutually agreed on commitment to monogamy between both people, no harm in continuing to look!
JadeParticipantI believe that it is entirely possible to love more than one person. Love is not a zero sum game, your love for your soul friend does not diminish how much love you have for your husband, but runs parallel to it.
I agree with what Matt says and make sure that your friend’s wife is also fully aware and comfortable with the situation, and continue in each relationship with consideration and consciousness and open communication.
JadeParticipantI’m going to summarize what you’ve just outlined in your post. You say your boyfriend:
– Is unwilling to be an equal partner in the upkeep of the home
– Criticizes your body, especially when you’re at your most vulnerable/exposed
– Pressures you for sex despite the fact that you’ve been exposed to sexual abuse
– Uses money/finances as a way to demonstrate his superiority over youI want you to know that when he says you bring nothing to the relationship, he is lying. You do, you have given him your time and energy and commitment; the fact that he does not recognize your contributions to the relationship or respect your needs. You deserve better!
JadeParticipant“he told me he doesnt like her at all. and he only did that because if he didnt behave like he liked her, the girl would tell her brother and he would lose his best friend.”
… So this guy is only friends with his best friend because the best friend wants him to like his sister? I’m sorry but normal people don’t operate this way. I would be running so far from this dude you have no idea. I’m getting tired just READING about his drama!
Rule #1 of relationships: if you’re seriously asking yourself whether you should stay or not, you already have your answer. (The answer is no).
JadeParticipantI once read that jealousy happens when we’re forced to look in a mirror at ourselves. I’m actually also in the middle of some “she’s just like me, but better” feelings that I’m working through and trying to process. This kind of jealousy comes from inadequacy, because it’s like the other person’s achievements and strengths shines a light on the parts of us we are most insecure about.
For me, the best course of action is allowing myself to have these emotions, but not letting them control my behaviour. I feel the jealousy, accept the emotion, then let it go and move forward with conscious kind thoughts and actions.
Best of luck!
JadeParticipantEvery generation is going to have its own unique challenges as it comes of age. I don’t believe that technology is all bad or all good, but merely a reflection of human complexity.
People often look at today’s challenges and bemoan, how can youth possibly survive this? We survive it the same way we have for thousands of years. For as long as there have been human beings, there has been lust, cheating, immaturity, and faithlessness. But there has also always been loyalty, patience, honour, and love. Even our grandparents suffered heartbreaks and relationship tragedies, they didn’t need an app for that. It’s all part of the human condition.
JadeParticipantThe choice is yours in the end, only you know what kind of sacrifices you are willing to make for a person.
Maybe my situation will give you a different perspective. I’m 33 and I had been dating my BF for 3 years when I brought up marriage and settling down. He agreed that he thought we were a good match and that it would happen “one day”. Maybe in 2 or 3 more years.
I wasn’t happy with waiting a that much longer, but I thought for him, it was worth it to wait. So I did. And for 6 months I became more and more neurotic and miserable, trying my best to hide it from myself and the world. I’d bring it up again with my BF while in tears and he’d tell me not to cry, and that everything would happen in good time.
It just so happened that after 6 months, my BF proposed to me. He had asked both sets of parents and been busy engagement ring shopping the whole time, saying “maybe one day” to me as a way to throw me off the scene of his surprise proposal.
It was only AFTER we were engaged that I could fully appreciate the dark cloud of disappointment that had clouded everything while I had been waiting for him to agree to settle down. I absolutely hated being strung along like that. (fellas, if you are reading this, please take note!) I am so much happier now.
This isn’t to say don’t wait for him! I waited, and my BF delivered, but it’s no fun living in that in-between world.
JadeParticipantThere’s absolutely no shame in what you’re feeling, in fact it’s incredibly common to increasingly grieve for the people we lost around important milestones. My best friend lost her little brother last summer and while she has been strong, she knows that when the 1 year anniversary comes closer she’s going to have a very tough time.
Take the time to grieve, but also cherish all the things you loved about him. Wishing you strength and peace.
JadeParticipantYour post reminded me of this column: http://captainawkward.com/2014/04/01/559-does-cant-be-in-a-relationship-right-now-always-mean-with-you-spoiler-yup-sorry/
I have no doubt this guy is a good person, you wouldn’t love him if he wasn’t! But in addition to loving him, you have to love yourself. And that means honouring your own needs and desires. No matter how much potential you see in him (the gift/curse of being a woman), you have to accept that outside life-shattering experiences, people rarely change. The way he is now is the way he will be forever. You need to ask yourself: “am I okay with things continuing like this for 5 years? 10 years? Forever?” Some people are, but you don’t seem to be one of those people, and that’s perfectly fine. Leave, and find someone who wakes up every morning feeling blessed to be with you!
JadeParticipantYour post reminded me of a lovely editorial I once read about ending relationships. You can read it here: http://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/
The takeaway message from this article: wanting to leave is enough. 🙂
JadeParticipantMy best friend lost her 22 year old brother last year in a sudden accident and the whole family was so devastated. I’m actually surprised at how quickly she bounced back, but she explained it to me this way: “you’re so consumed with grief, with loss, with accepting that your life will never be the same… but the world keeps going, I still have to tell the Starbuck barista what my order is, normalcy just creeps in eventually.” She still has days where things are tough, but by and large she does everything she can to honour her brother’s memory and live the life he’d want her to. She’s acutely aware of how tenuous life can be now, and focuses much more on enjoying the present.
JadeParticipantComparison is where self-esteem goes to die. Forget what others have done, forget what you thought the future would look like. At this very moment, you are a being of infinite worth.
Maybe try doing some volunteer work? I find that not only is it rewarding but it balances how you perceive yourself and your life.
JadeParticipantBruno, your response is way too flippant and disrespectful, Anyone has asked a serious question and was looking for helpful advice.
JadeParticipantAs Amy said, unless you are looking for a job in a professional or specialized field, no one really cares about your degree, employers are far more concerned with work experience, whether you’re a team player/people person, etc.
It’s thrilling to hear that you have already found something you’re so passionate about at such a young age! I actually have a few friends who dropped out of college for various reasons (not really into school, mental health issues, found a job they wanted to pursue instead) and none of them regret the decision. If you do decide to quit school, I’d suggest you only do so if you have a concrete and specific plan for making your dream a reality. Will you get a “pay the bills” job on the side to fund your creative efforts? Will you try to find a job in the creative field you like? What goals do you hope to meet in the next 2, 5, or 10 years, and what will you do to get there?
Whatever you choose, good luck!
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 