Dear anita,

Thank you for saying that. I want to keep posting, I just feel guilty in doing so and that anything I say sounds stupid and annoying. I think that’s my anxiety talking so I need to keep trying.
Please suggest whatever you feel fit – considering moving out is scary, but I need to keep talking about it and keep it as an option.

I got some more bad news today. Because I’m no longer able to see the therapist, I’m no longer able to receieve help from the rest of the mental health team and will probably be referred to something else. I’ve been with them for many years and they’ve helped me with exposure therapy and started to make me feel like I had a future. This has happened so suddenly, I feel so shocked. While I’m able to handle my anxiety better, I still struggle to go out and feel like I have a million issues I’ve not solved. I don’t know how to change this now. I can’t stop crying. They helped so much with my isolation. A few months ago my plans were to see the psychologist, alongside them helping me be more social, and to move out. I’ll find out next week whether the socialising will still be an option but probably not. I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid I’m going to go even more backwards. I need to make a new plan of action but I feel overwhelmed by panic hopelessness. I keep beating myself up for everything and don’t know how to stop.
I know I need to sort things out by myself now but what’s the point?

Dear Anita,

You’re right.. I think I feel good and optimistic at some point. Things definitely felt like the were looking up for a short time since starting this thread. I realise I was also thinking since beginning of 2016, a lot has changed. It’s been a very positive and eye opening year, and I’ve come a long way, was going out much more, and even thinking ahead (and not worrying!), and now it feels like I’m back where I was 12 months ago, stuck and not really moving forward.

Still living with parents, yes. My mother’s addictions are getting worse I believe, and there are daily arguments between the rest of the family. I don’t think I’ll be able to move out soon because, although as undesirable the situation is, I no longer feel the desparate drive I did feel to ‘escape’. I just feel very guilty and think mum will get worse if I leave. I don’t want to make things worse.
In order to move out I’d also need to start going out more again. Honestly I’ve just lost all my drive and feel quite hopeless. 🙁

Thank you for replying again, Anita. I’m so grateful. I’m going to make an appointment with someone who can offer some housing advice, so hopefully that’ll help.

My mum has been drinking & I’m finding it hard to deal with today. She used to talk to me about her problems a lot and knows this is no help to either of us, but now talks to herself a lot, often near me or following me to a nearby room. (I’m not sure if I’m being paranoid or not but it seems like she is.) She’s quite overbearing and controlling sometimes, not liking if I do things for myself, and it’s always worse when she’s drunk, and I feel guilty for upsetting her.

I wait anxiously whenever she’s been drinking for my dad to come home, because he will lose her temper with her, usually slamming things, shouting in her face, and recently pushing her too. I know it’s not my place to intervene in their relationship and don’t anymore, but feel very guilty for not helping or standing up for her when he acts this way. I want to do the chores/cooking she does so it makes it less obvious she’s been drinking, but that’s enabling her further. But at the same time I don’t want to annoy him. I know I should get away ideally, but I can’t drive so going out in the evenings/weekends when he’s home isn’t an option. I’m also always worried she’s going to be sick, because I know that’s when I definitely shouldn’t be doing anything, but don’t want to annoy my family by not ‘helping’.

I’m having a difficult day today and kinda wanted to talk about it, and this is the only place I could think of, so I hope it’s okay I’m posting this here. I just feel very drained.

Anita – I have some savings for a deposit, and I think I’d be entitled to benefits that will help with rent as I can’t work currently. Honestly, this is going to sound very immature I imagine, but moving out is never something I’ve thought of doing realistically until now. I would very much like to leave, because my family can be quite hostile and intense, and it’s only getting worse as my mother’s addiction is getting worse. But I don’t have the slightest idea about how to go about doing it. It all seems a bit overwhelming.
A life away from this discomfort and anxiousness sounds like a dream!

VJ – Thank you very much for the links. I plan on registering this weekend, and seeing how it goes. Will update with my thoughts! Could you share some of your thoughts on them?