Hello Steve,

What you say here is part of the problem:

I told her that if she is seeing someone else, she should leave me alone and that her actions towards me are misleading. Yet, she just continued to pull me in.

By telling her how to treat you, you are putting the power of the decision for all of this on her.  This is your life, and your happiness.  Take that back, and walk away from this person.

I know that is easier to do than it is to say.  But understanding how she thinks might help.  You have a person here who looks to me like she is using you for her own ego boost.  She might think she loves you and likes you.  She might be keeping you in this spot because the other guy is married or involved with someone else, and she is waiting for him to make a decision.  In the meantime, she has you telling her you have these feelings for her.  That can be intoxicating for anybody – to know someone out there thinks they are That Person.

I also think it’s worth noting that if she is treating you like this, is this someone you would want to be with for the rest of your life?  She doesn’t value you enough to take your feelings seriously, and treat them with kindness.

The fact that she blew up your phone the night you refused to go all the way tells me she loves your attention and doesn’t want to lose that.  But she doesn’t love you enough to leave the other guy and make the leap into a committed relationship with you.

If I were you, I would stop all contact with her.  When she goes after you – and she will – tell her you are serious about walking away.  Only then will she realize this is not a game, and that playing with your heart is not something you will allow.

Peace,

Airene

• This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Airene.

Hello Steve,

You said you wanted another view on what is happening, even though you say the answer is quite obvious and that you have tried to get out of this.

The reason you keep getting pulled back in is because of the payoff you get from being involved with her.  You are not ready to let her go.

She also is, as you say, “torn apart between two men.”

You do know, don’t you, that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results.

Nothing has changed for her – she has you and the other guy.  Nothing has changed for you – you have her flitting in and out, and you know she is attracted to you.

Why should anything change?  Ultimately, what will have to happen is that YOU decide enough is enough.  That either she is in your life, completely and committed, or she is gone.  When will you get to that point?

I am also curious about what her response was the night this happened:

“Last Friday, after a night out, she got very horny and for the first time we ended up at my place. Things did get a little physical but she was ready to go all the way. I felt like it was going to be a one-night stand and I was not interested in that. Besides, I’m not ready to be with someone and share her with another man.”

Was she upset that you did not want to go all the way?  Did you actually tell her that you felt like it was going to be a one-night stand and that you were not interested in that?

Airene

Hi Betty,

I agree with all the above.  Good for you for not bad mouthing their dad to them.  That negativity will do as much damage as any disappointing behavior from their dad.

Although painful for you and for your children, their dad’s disappointing behavior is really a valuable tool in helping your kids learn about relationships.  If you can be there for them to talk to in as non-judgmental a way as possible, you will be helping them understand their feelings, which will help them develop strength to not only deal with their dad, but with other people who disappoint them.

You don’t want to “lead” them into what they are feeling, but giving them ideas on putting words to their feelings will help define those feelings.  They may express their disappointment in any number of ways…anger, sadness, stone face.  Acknowledging whatever they may be feeling – never telling them it’s wrong to feel whatever they are feeling – will help them know it’s okay for them to feel however they feel.  Then help them figure out where they go from there.

Also help them understand that the way they deal with their dad’s behavior today may be different than the way they deal with it in the future.

Wishing you and your children peace.

Airene

Hi Masha,

It sounds like you have figured out that what is important to you is your family.  Your girlfriend is also important to you.  Good for you for figuring out that you can deal with both.

You say you have no idea how to make this better with your mom.  What you have been trying to do, I think, is set some boundaries with everyone, and that is just good self-care.  The problem was that you were setting those boundaries based on your girlfriend’s value system and needs, rather than your own – at least, this is what it seems like to me.

You also have been figuring this out during your mom’s illness.  Cancer is scary and the people who have it cope with it any number of ways, as well as the people around them.

To make this better with your mom, maybe it would help if you first decide what you are willing/wanting/able to do for and with your mom, while managing your own life.  You can say to your mom, “Mom, I thought I needed space, but what I needed to do was figure out how to cope with everything that is going on.”  I am a mom with four kids.  If one of my kids said to me that they needed space, I might be hurt, but I would respect that.  And if they came back to me later and explained that they were trying to figure things out, I would understand completely.

While listening to your girlfriend influenced you to do things that went against your value system, I would avoid placing any blame on your girlfriend.  Doing so will only drive a wedge between you and your girlfriend.

You say you have apologized to your mom over and over and that your mom is having a hard time trusting you.  Actions speak louder than words – She will begin to trust you again when your actions match your words.

Airene

Hello Katie,

This is a difficult situation.  You want to be loyal to Gabi, and you miss her.  You have all these people telling you she is not a good person.  You spoke badly about her, but you didn’t – and don’t – actually feel that she is a bad person.  You view what happened between Jared and Gabi as a mistake and being out of character – this is actually a mature way of viewing relationships.  Because really, when you get down to it, what happened between Jared and Gabi is a reflection of something not working in Jared and Bianca’s relationship, as much as it might be a potential character flaw in Jared and Gabi.  The fact that Jared and Gabi slept together after drinking too much is just a symptom of problems in Jared and Bianca’s relationship.  I am in no way condoning that what happened is okay, but you grasp that this is not about either of them being bad people and that it is something that just happened.

If I were you, before you get back in touch with Gabi, I would consider all the pros and cons of doing so.  For every action, there is a reaction, and you need to be prepared for what the fallout could be if you do contact Gabi and continue your friendship with her.  You say that you don’t want to be friendless – is this your fear of what will happen if you do contact Gabi?  What if you contact Gabi, and she turns out to still be the great friend you remember and your friendship continues on?  Are you ready to forego the other friends you have to reunite with Gabi?

For what this is worth, I think the friends who have shunned Gabi because of this incident are short sighted and are blind to the fact that Jared was also there, and had a part in all of this too.  And they are a rather unforgiving bunch.   I don’t know if those are the kind of friends I’d want to have.

Airene

Hello Tiny Buddha,

You ask how you can get over your ex-boyfriend.  The boyfriend who – in your words – treated you like absolute garbage and who – also in your words – was extremely emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative.  If this was a friend talking to you, what would you tell her?

I would start to focus on YOU and take care of yourself.  Eat right.  Get enough sleep.  Accept that this sucks and set small goals for yourself.  Also think about doing something you have always wanted to, but keep putting off.  It can be something simple, and you can start with small steps.  And don’t beat yourself up if it fails.  Keep going until you find something that helps you feel happy and at peace.  And it needs to be constructive, not destructive (like, alcohol, drugs, etc.).

When events in your life are out of your control, doing something over which you have complete control can help you find your balance.

Airene

I think you will have to accept that this is who she is and that you’re relationship with her will not be warm and fuzzy.  It will be civil but icy.

When you need to be around her, continue to be pleasant and civil, and set boundaries when needed (firm and polite).  The key is to expect nothing from her….don’t expect her to follow suit, or like it, or have an aha moment where she sees she has been wrong and you have been right.  Zero expectations, while maintaining a pleasant and civil demeanor.