The great thing about having no-thing is that it contains all things.

“Always we begin again.” – St Benedict

The realty of each breath is that it is a moment of both a death and rebirth.  With each breath we empty ourselves and start again.

“The Rule teaches that if we take control of our lives, if we are intentional and careful in how we spend the hours of each irreplaceable day, if we discipline ourselves to live in a balanced and thankful way, we will create from our experiences, whatever they may be, the best possible life. ”  John McQuiston – Always We Begin Again

The unexpected is always upon us. And of all the gifts arrayed before me, this one thought at this moment in my life is the most precious.  And so, we begin again. – Feast of Love

Hi Gracie

My opinion, for what its worth and having been that guy, would be to say that I don’t think its worth trying to reach out or playing the friend game when you know you want more.

There is some truth to the saying “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be”. Leave the ball stay in this guys hands. He made the choice to end the relationship which I think you should honor. If you attempt to re-engage there will be the possibly he will dig in or use the experience (probably unconsciously) to keep you off balance and or create a co-dependent relationship.

There is the possibility that the two of you are attracted to each other in the hopes of healing each other. However, that requires a great deal of self knowledge from both sides, as well as a agreement to do the work.

If he does reach out to you be careful that you understand your boundaries and keep them, or you will find yourself in the same situation again and again

I recommend the book ‘How to be an Adult in Relationships’ if you want to challenge your ideas about your expectations of relationship.

When you are dating — unsuccessfully — it can feel like you’re repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

Humans are creatures of habit, and out of a subconscious desire to re-live and correct the issues from our past, we may seek out the same sort of partners and find ourselves in a destructive cycle.

Some people may do this because they have an unhealthy attachment style, which is the way they form bonds and connect to others.

One style is called “avoidant attachment,” according to psychotherapist Allison Abrams, our experiences in childhood shape our style of attachment, which then becomes the template for how we behave in future relationships.

“Insecure attachment styles, such as avoidant attachment, usually stem from some sort of early trauma,” she said. “When our needs aren’t met consistently by our primary caregivers, we form the belief that they won’t be met by any significant other, [and] that we can’t ever rely on others.”

Essentially, it is a defense mechanism, and people with avoidant attachment style may completely avoid relationships altogether, or keep anyone new they meet at a distance. They may sabotage their blossoming romances out of nowhere, because they are scared their new partner will leave them — so they get in there first.

“This is an unconscious attempt to make sure that they never again go through anything like they went through with their original caregiver,” Abrams said. “The irony is that by engaging in these defenses that we’ve learned we are actually recreating the very thing we were trying to avoid.”

Avoidant people find faults in anyone

Rather than letting a relationship grow naturally, an avoidant person tends to dwell on areas they are unsatisfied with. While people with healthy attachment styles are able to compromise with their partners and focus on the positives, avoidant people cannot. They zero in on minor flaws and imagine how they were happier being single, or how they might be better off finding someone else.

And they don’t just harm themselves. They often attract people with an anxious attachment style, who give up all their own needs to please and accommodate their partner.Anxiously attached people become incredibly unhappy and worried about being too much or too little for the person they are dating, and take everything incredibly personally.

Hi Kaledoscope: (Great name –  mirrors and color whose reflections produce changing patterns… we are more then sum of our parts, more wondrous then we imagine ourselves to be. Note mirroring plays a important part in counselling… )

Counselling can become complex, what with transference and counter transference. The reality is therapists are human with there own stuff to work out. A good therapist will know when their stuff is getting in the way of “seeing” there clients. Actually, this noticing can provide clues to the therapist about what the client needs to address.

Anyway, its inevitable in a long-term counselling relationship for there to be a fall out. More often then not such “fallouts” are needed as part of the healing process. Life demands growth and sometimes counselling can become a to safe place that keeps us the same. When this happens, Life will challenge the relationship. In this case the consoling relationship is providing you with an opportunity to deal with your fear of confrontation. Imagine being fully honest with your therapist and telling him the concerns that you have mention in your post? How would you feel about yourself if you were able to talk about your concerns without fear of what the reply might be? There is nothing in what you said that is embarrassing or are even that confrontational for a professional.

As in all relationships there is always a desire of growth, for all involved, however there is also a desire that things stay the same. Noticing when the confrontation is present is a opportunity that can lead to a ‘awakening’

That in order to experience ‘enlightenment’ you first have to stop giving a darn about it.

A paradox of Enlightenment  -Gabriel Gonsalves –

Multitudes of people follow some kind of spiritual path, but very few succeed in realizing the ultimate truth and become ‘enlightened’.

Why is that?

When you feel angry, confused, vulnerable and upset, you go to a doctor or psychiatrist, a priest, a therapist, a coach, a healer, a specialist, a social worker, a palm reader, or an astrologer.

You take up religion, are born again, get into philosophy, become an agnostic, an atheist, take the Insight or Landmark Seminars, tap your forehead with EFT.

You get all your chakras balanced, your DNA activated, try some reflexology, some kinesiology, go for ear acupuncture, do iridology, hot stone therapy, get healed with lights, sounds, and crystal bowls.

You meditate, chant mantras, drink green tea. Try magic mushrooms and psychedelics. Get Reiki, try the Pentecostals, do the Rosary, breathe in fire, speak in tongues, pray, implore, declare and beseech.

You get centered, heart-centered, learn NLP, try actualizations, visualizations, feelingizations, study psychology, do a past life regression, join a Jungian or dream interpretation group.

You see your homeopath, chiropractor, naturopath. Or try transactional analysis, discover your Enneagram or Myers-Briggs type, get your meridians balanced, join a Conscious Something group.

You take antidepressants, get tranquilizers, get some hormone shots, flu shots, try tissue salts, have your minerals analyzed and balanced. Take Rescue Remedy. Learn astral projection and listen to messages from the Galactic Federation.

You become a vegetarian. Give up sugar. Eat only cabbage. Try macrobiotics, go organic, go raw, non-dairy, eat no GMO’s. Try fasting and intermittent fasting. Take amino acids and anti-acids. Go to health spas. Cook with exotic ingredients. Eat fermented foods. Take brain enzymes, Bach flower remedies, eat only grapefruit.

You meet with Native American medicine men, do a sweat lodge. Connect with the Pleiades. Go on a vision quest. Find your Animal Guide or Spirit Guide and build them an altar. You invoke the spirit of your ancestors, the four directions, the spirits of the wild, feed elementals you can’t see.

You go to the Amazon jungle and visit a shaman. Go on a retreat. Sing tribal chants. Relive past lives. Visit the underworld and retrieve your soul. Scream primal screams. Take medicine plants, ayahuasca, peyote, San Pedro, Santa Maria, iboga. Hold hands in a circle, sing, drum, dance and get high.

You go to India. Try to find your soulmate, eat, pray, and love. Find a new guru. Take off your clothes. Get blessed by Baba Somebody. Swim in the Ganges naked. Stare at the sun, howl at the moon. Shave your head. Eat with your fingers, get really messy, take cold showers. Sing Kirtan songs with people you’ve never met.

You try hypnotic regression. Time-line therapy. Do psychodrama. Punch pillows. Write letters to your parents and to your future self. Join a marriage encounter group, discover your Imago. Go to Unity. Go to Agape. Go to Bible study groups. Write affirmations and stick them to a mirror. Make a vision board.

You get re-birthed. Read Angel Cards. Do the Tarot cards. Get into the occult. Study magic. Work with a kahuna. Join a mystery school. Learn a secret handshake. Try color therapy, swim with the dolphins, listen to subliminal and paraliminal tapes. Study Zen and cast the I-Ching.

You take a shamanic journey. Walk El Camino de Santiago. Go on pilgrimage. Visit Mecca. Walk barefoot. Walk on your hands and knees. Hug a tree. Sit on a mountain, watch the sunrise and sunset…

I’m so tired.

The  paradox of Enlightenment

That in order to experience ‘enlightenment’ you first have to stop giving a darn about it, and instead get shamelessly real and connected to what makes you fully human and connected to the humanity in others. All this, so that you can eventually surrender it and rise into the Lightness of your Divine being.

In other words, the path towards the light requires you to first love and embrace ALL of your humanity – this means your light, your darkness as well as your shadows – BEFORE you can even attempt to become an ‘enlightened’ being. – ‘Enlightenment’ is an inside-job.  Gonsalves

Thought that was kind of funny. I’m not sure what  this Enlightenment is. I suspect its one of those things that if you think you have it, you don’t.

Forgiveness is an Art which is more for the person hurt then the person that has perpetrated the hurt.

I like what Clarissa Pinkola Estes (Women Who Run With the Wolves) had to say about their being Four Stages of Forgiveness

Four Stages of Forgiveness

1. To forego—to leave it alone
2. To forebear—to abstain from punishing/vengeance
3. To forget—to aver from memory, to refuse to dwell
4. To forgive—to abandon the debt

Note. Many people hold on to hurt because they feel that as long as they do the one that hurt them will hurt and be accountable. It is important to remember that forgiveness does not mean that the person that hurt us is no longer accountable.  Holding someone accountable is not the same as punishing or vengeance or even justice. Accountability is an attribute of Love. If you steal from me, I can forgive you – detach my sense of self from the experience – while holding you Accountable by taking back my key.

http://www.stlcw.com/Handouts/Four_Stages_of_Forgiveness.pdf

Essentially as you implied the answer to such questions is always “you”.

You are the answer to the question of Purpose. As such every experience is Purpose and Meaning, even the experience of questioning and seeking purpose.

“We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.” – T. S. Eliot We seek for purpose and meaning out there somewhere, over the rainbow… never noticing that we are it… until we do

Hi Mary

Came across the following and thought about your posts.  I’m of two minds myself, I understand the advice of being in moment and I know its a truth, but sometimes I want to scream when I hear it.. Perhaps your in a similar space as the reference “wherever you go there your stay/are” – its the solution and the problem

It is one of life’s greatest ironies that, no matter how much we want to be different, wherever we go, there we are. There’s just no getting away from ourselves. Go on holiday — there we are. Win the lottery — there we are. Move overseas — there we are. Wherever we look, we are looking out of the same pair of eyes; whatever we do, it’s still the same body doing it.

In the attempt to get away from being with ourselves, we search for something or someone to make us happy; the grass constantly appears greener someplace else. But in every relationship and every situation, there we are again.

Meanwhile, our mind is like a drunken monkey doing its best to distract us by jumping from thought to fear to drama to anything that will keep us trapped in an endless round of worries and concerns… “What if this happens… what if I fail… if only it could be like it was in the past… what will the future be like… I have to to get to a psychic for help…”

We are like a musk deer that has a wonderful smell in its belly yet searches the forest for that smell. Wherever it goes, there’s the smell — but the deer can’t see it, so it has no idea where the smell is to be found. In the same way, we believe happiness is somewhere — anywhere —other than here, and spend all our time looking for it, without realizing it is already with us.

“If you aren’t in the moment, 
you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret. —Jim Carrey

All we have to do is stop. Just stop. For right now, this very moment, is all there is. Nothing else is going on. Nothing else is happening. There’s nowhere to go. And being right here with ourselves is exactly where we want to be, because when we are fully here, this moment becomes the most precious, delightful, enjoyable and outrageous moment there is.

It is immensely liberating to realize that nothing more is required of us than to just be fully here now. What a relief! Finally, we can really experience this reality just as it is, without expectation, prejudice or longing. Someone once asked Ed if he had ever experienced another dimension. He replied, “Have you experienced this one?” Have you noticed the dew on a spider’s web, the taste of honey or your own heartbeat?

“Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be.” —Eckhart Tolle

When we are fully present, the world in which we live becomes extraordinary, as if being seen and heard and touched for the first time, for we are without preconceived ideas or desires. There is just the experience. Like a child making the unknown known, we are simply with what is, while also impelled to know it more intimately, to explore and understand, even to become it.

Such presence defies our limited understanding of the world; it takes us out of the logical, rational mind and into a place of just being, without judgment or idea of what should be. Stepping out of the thinking and conceptual mind, however, doesn’t mean stepping into nowhere or nothing; it doesn’t mean that there is no connection to a worldly reality. We do not become disconnected or cast adrift. Rather, it is stepping into sanity and, more importantly, into even greater connectedness.

As evolution does not go backwards, so life can never be the way it was. Being in the moment means having the courage to know we will never be someone other than who we are and that who we are is absolutely wonderful, just as we are. Simply being still in this moment, without attachment to or thought of before or after, invites a deep sense of completion, that there really is nowhere else we need to go. It is impossible to think of somewhere else as being better — the grass is vividly green exactly where we are. – Ed and Deb Shapiro

One of the challenges of realizing or awaking to the reality that “You” are not your ego, you are not your body, you are not your thinking, you are not your emotions… is a detachment from life. If I am no-thing, no-thing matters and as you mentioned that is the Ego attempting to identify it self with an experience of nothing mattering.  If “I” am no thing “I” am nothing, and things only matter when “I” matter, when I am ego. – I remain my ego even as I “know” I am not my ego and around and around we go.

On one level this is a problem of language. How can we reflect one our experiences, explain them to ourselves and other without referring to “I” even though we know the Self is not “I. The result is more often then not that instead of a healthy detachment to experiences we fall into indifference to our experiences and depression.

You had the realization that “taking things personal does not make sense” a kind of detachment that isn’t. What you are describing of your experience is not detachment but indifference. If you (the “I”) don’t care (indifference) about an outcome why bother working towards any goal – your ego asks.

It’s a challenge. The Art of Detachment is to be fully engaged in life, working towards goals that match your truths (as you know then to be in the moment), while not attaching your sense self and identity to the actions or outcomes. i.e. I am a good or bad person because I do this, I am a good person because I hit what I was aiming at, a bad person because I missed.

You can and get to care about the action and outcomes; however, the outcomes or actions do not define you. In this way you open yourself to play. Sure, what you understand as your truths today may change and with them the direction of your actions – learn better, do better – you get to laugh.

In the problem of opposites, which we must come to terms with, is how we measure, judge, divide and doings so make conscious (awaken) is that reality that the opposites don’t exist. Opposites are not independent sides of a coin that can be separated. As we become conscious of detachment we become conscious of attachment. Awaking to the light is also an awakening to the darkness. True Light will always defeat the darkness however light requires energy – movement. Keep moving. The intention of a practice is to not practice, the intention of seeking is finding (yet how many “seekers” would ever label themselves finders).

Once you ask a question you cannot unasked it. Ignorance is bliss but you can’t go back. Frankly life is easier when we identify with our ego and suffer. Righteous anger and taking everything personal can really get the juices flowing. Sure, in the end its exhausting and unhealthy but it can feel so good in the moment. You awakened to the realization that you are not your ego and can’t go back. It’s a loss, even if it leads to becoming more authentic, every loss needs to properly mourned.

Did any of that make sense?