Some of the pain your experiencing isn’t coming from what happened to you but how your defining a right and wrong choice and so creating regret.  The good news is this is something you can change and a good place to start the healing

“Many people imagine that there is a right and wrong choice to be made in every situation. If their decision leads to the result they desire, then they made the right decision. If it doesn’t, then they made the wrong decision. Right and wrong are determined by the outcome that follows.” – Nancy Colier

This attitude toward our choices, as well as this version of life, can cause us a great deal of pain, pain often labeled as regret. Regret more often then not is anger directed a one self.

The emotion we experience as regret is information that we wish we could undo the past and had more control – (its petty much all ego). We get stuck in the emotion of regret by staying fixated in the past – in such a case regret is a waist of time – We want a do over and then sulk when we don’t get to have one. If only, if only, why me, not fair, life sucks… I suck… down the rabbit hole we go.

Regret as information is helpful if we delve down into it. We can’t change what happened so we looked at what we might learn from the experience. (honestly – without creating victim and villain stories. If your creating victim and villain stories your still in regret and aren’t being honest). We see we have done the best we could with what we new in the time. We accept the responsibility that belongs to us and let go and even forgive what does not belong to us. We realize that based on the what we felt and new at the time we would make the same choices and did the best we could with what we had.  Regret turns into acceptance. Yes we could do better and deserve better and so we take what we learned to do better.

“For every choice we make, we use the experience, information, and intentions available to us in that particular moment in which we make it. We make the decision we make in an attempt to achieve the goal we desire, with the resources we possess now. Life then unfurls in the way that it does; it becomes what it is in part as a result of our choice and in part as a result of the mystery with which life manifests, the mystery that at times seems bigger than all our choices. The truth is, there’s no reality existing somewhere else that says, “Darn, you’re not going to get to join us over here in the happy life, where you could have ended up if you had made the right choice and picked the other path.” That other, imagined happy life is and has always been just a thought. The particular reality that would have come, had we made the other choice, never was and never will be our reality.”

“There’s only one thing we can know for sure, and that is that whatever situation we’re in now, it will change. It will change in part through our choices and in part through life’s eternal changing nature. Rather than squandering your attention on old choices made, moments that are gone, turn your most powerful gift, your attention, to what’s here now. Bring the best of you, your wisdom, and your full presence to the next choice that presents itself, here, with a sincere intention to do the best you can with who you are right now. Be in this choice, this life, this now, and stop imagining that reality could be or could have been anything other than what it is.” – Nancy Colier

 

From what I read in your post I think Buddhist practices and community could be a great benefit to you.

You may not always agree with the teachings you hear from one teacher to the next… and its not expected of you to agree. The goal is not to come up with a list of rules to follow but to work through what you learn and discover your truth. With any practice, philosophy and or religion we can ‘miss the mark’ if we get lost in the words and lose sight of what the words point towards. (the map is not the territory – words are symbols)

You may also find it helpful to do some shadow work.  Just google shadow work. I liked the book – Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche – by Robert A. Johnson

Well done!

My own experience of a over active mind started to change when I accepted that I have an active mind and that I like contemplating new ideas and such.

One of the problem is that I tended to focus on the forest, all the questions at once instead of one tree at a time. So, I hit allot of tress. Another issue was growing up everyone would tell me me “I think to much” so felt undeserved shame about accepting my authentic nature and so struggled with sense of self not being acceptable

For the first problem I found it helpful to let go of questions such as meaning and purpose. Not that I still don’t ponder such questions but that I don’t worry about or attach myself to the answers or lack of answers. For the second issue – that is a work in progress.

I found your statement – “I struggle with happiness, peace of mind and tranquility” interesting. As long as you struggle with happiness and peace of mind it is not possible to have peace of mind or happiness and so you defeat yourself. The answer of course is to stop struggling. I know easier said then done (we work for that which no work is required) however when you do emerge from the struggle, (and you will) it will be exactly what you will have done.

Happiness isn’t something we create its something we notice and allow ourselves to experience.  When you are struggling remind yourself that it is the struggle and not anything that is actually happening to you that is preventing the experience of happiness. You can be happy even in a storm. I suspect a part of us likes to struggle and even be unhappy. Can we be happy about being unhappy… I think so… if we don’t struggle.

I also think you can also have peace of mind when your mind is full of thoughts. Why not? Especially if if thinking is part of your nature.  Such a perspective creates the space where you can learn to step back and select the thoughts (trees) you wish to focus on and in this way no longer become overwhelmed. It is the struggle more then anything thing happening that is creating the confusion. Step back and notice that you have always dealt with the stuff that has come your way. When things didn’t work out as hope for and those that did, you learned from. You will continue to deal with the stuff that comes your way. You can act with intention working towards goals and wondering about the outcome without struggling with a imagined future that may or may not be. The mind can rest even in action.

Practice taking a step back from your thoughts when you notice them overwhelming. In those times, you can’t, find a safe place and jump in. If you do you will find yourself coming out of those experiences much sooner and occurring less frequently. Its like getting caught in a rip tide, the more your struggle the longer you will stay submerged and the further away the water will carry you. If you relax and maybe even enjoy the ride, the water will spit you out.

I love it!

If I’m reading your post correctly in the past you have allowed outer influences to determine the direction of your ‘change’ (As above so below) This Year you have awaken to the possibility of determining the path you will follow from your sense of self – as you know it to be in this moment without a pressure to change to fit in (As below so above – you become a influence to change).  Its actually a irony, or is that a paradox, that when we learn to say yes to who we are, as we are in the moment without the need to force ‘change’, that authentic change happens naturally.  I think your on your way to discovering many wondrous things.

Of course we will always be influenced by the outer word, our culture, traditions, past, memories… so don’t be discourage when those around you and events push back.  It is this very push back that will show you your path as you practice the art of loving yourself.

The ancient of Man ponders his curiosity. Questions arise as he wonders of his own significance… how time moves as sands of an hour glass, not to be grasped, but reckoned with by the moment. The focus of a single crystal houses hope, love, and the rainbow multitude of Life’s involvement. We see these things in passing we feel them as now. The Master of these sands is he who loves each crystal – Rick Cain

Happy New Year!

A song comes to mind “Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?” – Avril Lavigne  No wonder your lost.  Trying not to hurt anyone so everyone gets hurt. Is it possible that a part of you likes the drama created by keeping the woman in your life a little off balance? You don’t mention how these woman might feel about this situation – its possible that there is no choice for you to make and that when they find out, and they will, both say hell no I deserve better.

This is going to sound blunt however its possible your not ready for authentic relationship. If you can’t be honest with your partner then something is wrong. Is the pain your trying to avoid is your own?

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Peter.

A curtain amount of worry about the future can be helpful in deciding on what to do. The worry, or let us call it concern, shows us what we want to achieve and then perhaps the steps needed to get their… but that is only possible if you learn how to pull back your consciousness to the present. Leaving your consciousness fixated on the worry and then deciding that the future will be one of regret could create that future. Think of your consciousness as a loyal dog that needs to be trained. It will run wild if you let it, and there are times for that, however teaching it to walk beside you when called is how you will get to where you want to go.

If you think back you will see that you have handled everything that has come your way. You may not have liked having to deal with some of the stuff that came your way or some of the outcomes yet even in those cases you have handled. Perhaps there are things you may wish to have done differently… and in those you learned from, no reason for regret. There is no reason to believe that you won’t continue to handle whatever your choices lead to or don’t.

I can tell from your posts that you know what you want to do. The fear may be keeping you from making that fully conscious but you know you know. Trust yourself and go for it without regret.  Where you end up will be different then anything you imagined and as long as you follow your truth and continue to learn it will be amazing.