Ugh. That sounds incredibly hard. There’s a post on Tiny Buddha about what to do when your life falls apart that I wrote under a different pseudonym, if you want to read it. I had my life fall apart as well, about 2 years ago, and I’m not going to say it wasn’t hard to recover, but I did it. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing: caring for yourself even when you don’t feel like it, putting your life into a less stressful bywater so that you can focus on healing, and reconsidering your path. You’re young (half as old as I am), and I know that seems like a trite thing to say, but it does mean a lot when you’re my age. If you listen to yourself – which it sounds like you’re doing – then this time may prove to be just what you need to put your life on a track that will be more fulfilling to you. One thing I had to keep reminding myself was that everything that’s come before was not a “waste”. I lost a career that I had spent 17 years building. It felt like I had wasted that time, but now I know that the skills and experiences I had will be useful in my life going forward. The same is true of you – you may be a “dropout” (for now), but those skills haven’t gone away because you changed your path. They can still be useful in creating a new future for yourself.

I h0pe you can continue to take solace in nature and self-care and music.

Big hugs to you –

Ugh, this sounds like such a hard situation. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I grew up with an abusive dad myself and it’s completely negatively affected my life, my relationships, my self-esteem, etc. I was not nearly as insightful as you seem to be at your age. And I could at least get out of the house to go to school and go to friends’ houses, etc.

I’m worried that you’re cooped up with this person for so much of your life. I’m worried that his abuse will rub off on you and damage you in the long run.

You speak of being scared a lot when people suggest things you can do to get you of the house or get more effective help. I’d like to encourage you to do some of those things even though they are scary. Life is really all about doing scary things, and the more you face your fears, the less scared you’ll be. I think it would help you in the long run to take a deep breath and get out of the house more, even if just to take a walk in nature or something. I know it’s hard when you’re a teen to make certain decisions (like finding another therapist) because you’re not financially independent, but getting out into the world and at least exploring different ways of being could be helpful to you for your whole life, not just in your current situation.

I hope you have friends you can have fun with, so at least your whole life isn’t taken up by fear.

Good luck and stay safe!

I’ve had acne since I was 10 (I’m now 46, and though I don’t have much active acne anymore, I have a lot of scars on my face and chest). I used to think the same thing: that I would be too ugly and nobody would want me. But the truth is that I’ve never had problems attracting romantic and sexual partners. It took many years for me to finally just stop worrying about my skin, and once that happened, I noticed that people were attracted to me. I started using apple cider vinegar (as the poster above suggests) and it definitely helped, though have no idea if it would help your condition. I also agree with the poster who suggested getting another opinion. It’s possible that your first dermatologist doesn’t know everything.

As I got older, I started to realize that my acne has helped me build empathy and compassion for others, especially for people who aren’t “perfect”, and has made me strong and resilient.

You’ll be OK, I promise!

I’m sorry this happened! In my experience, healing is never linear. One aspect heals, but there are still other aspects that are in different stages of healing. And the fact that you were doing well is great! It means you can do well again. Life is not a zero-sum game. We move forward, we drop back, we make quantum leaps, we lose ground again…having this attack does not mean that everything we were doing before was wasted. Not at all. It just means that you are you, and that maybe there are aspects of your life that you need to look at further.

I understand feeling anxious. It may be that it’s not so much about letting go of the past as understanding that you are someone prone to anxiety attacks, and not judging yourself or beating yourself up about that. Exploring what triggers attacks, etc. Do you know what happened in this case, or what was building up and causing a panic attack? Are you doing too much? Do you worry about everyone liking you, or always doing everything perfectly, etc? I know that these issues are things that have come up for me. More recently, I’ve become aware of how much I “micro-worry” – worry without knowing I’m doing it.

The attack was a way to learn more about yourself. You’re OK and you’re taking the right approach by exploring ways to foster calmness, physical health, etc. Best wishes to you!

Oh, I so totally get the introvert thing. I really prefer to be myself, and when I’m surrounded by people for more than, say, a weekend, I get pretty cranky (at least internally: I try not to let it show, though I’m sure I do sometimes). And loud talk around me when I want to be quiet is really hard, even painful.

You’re not a horrible person. You have a brain that is wired to need a lot of alone time and to be sensitive to stimulus around you. Do what you can to get quiet time, and then maybe meditate or do other types of activities that help you not react in a negative way when you have other people around when you’d prefer to be alone. If people don’t understand your desire to have your own space, can you go somewhere outside of the house where you’re less likely to be bothered? I know it’s not ideal, but maybe for 6 months you could find a park or something where you can be alone with your thoughts and a book.

I’m sorry, that sounds really hard. If you haven’t been talking….why not? Are you not talking as well? Sometimes we think we know what’s going on, but if we don’t ask the other person, we may find out that we don’t have the full picture. It sounds like you two need to sit down and really talk about all of this. Tell her what you told us – about how you feel she’s not interested, etc. If she isn’t, than it’ll hurt, but you’ll be able to move on. If she is and something else is causing her to withdraw, feel scared, etc, this information might actually help you regain some intimacy that was lost. Relationships do take both people working on communication and openness; it’s not one person’s job to be open. I know it can be scary to have these talks, but it’s necessary to understand what’s happening. I wish you all the best!

I just read your last comment. I understand how you might have shut down because you weren’t getting any response from her. That’s so painful. But if you’re asking and she’s not responding, then she may just not be the partner for you. You have a right to understand where she is in her head regarding the relationship.

I’m sorry you’re struggling. I was in a relationship for a couple of years that sounds similar in spirit, if not details. I was so incredibly afraid of this man leaving me, that I put up with all sorts of bad behavior from him (and also exhibited my own. The relationship drove me insane). A friend of both of ours was always telling me that my ex and I are great people individually, but that we were toxic when we were together and brought out the worst in each other. It’s possible that this is also true of you and your husband. If he married you and didn’t tell you about doubts he had prior to the marriage, then he’s not being a very good partner to you. And threatening to end the marriage each time he’s bothered by something you’ve done is pretty immature. I used to do this in my old relationship, too, but my BF would get so upset that it took me a couple of years before I got up the strength to leave this poisonous dynamic. It’s not healthy to have this kind of emotional roller-coaster happening in a relationship. From my experience, it probably means that you’re not well suited to one another.

As someone with my own abandonment/self-esteem issues, I understand how hard it can be to walk away. You feel like if you lose this person, then you’ll die and you’re worthless, unlovable, etc. For me, I just couldn’t stand the drama anymore (both the drama I created and the drama he created.) It was too stressful, and was affecting everything else about my life. I lost my job and am still seriously depressed due to this relationship.

It doesn’t sound like this is a healthy marriage. If he’s staying out of guilt and you’re staying out of fear…what kind of marriage can it ever be? Don’t have kids with him (they’ll make it worse, and then you risk poisoning them by having them grow up in that kind of environment). Seek therapy, do self-work to figure out why you have these feelings that you’re not worth anything without your husband, and explore other options for happiness – hobbies, interests, friends, work. Good luck to you!

Wow, it sounds like she’s pretty immature. I do wonder how she got along this long without needing to take any responsibility for herself. She sounds almost like a teenager! Can you stop enabling her and insist that she buy her own cheap car (get a better job, etc) and contribute to the household? It sounds like you have two kids instead of one. What would you do if your son chose not to contribute? I’d hope that you’d find ways to encourage him/reward him for contributing. Maybe do the same for your wife?