@Rhaenys

I understand now, you don’t like to communicate too much because you bond then form attachment? I used to feel scared of that too, so pushed people away. When you bond that person then has an expectation, you form expectations. Expectations can lead to hurt. So we put up barriers and push away but still feel hurt lol.

The way around this is to allow things to just develop naturally without holding yourself back and letting insecurities and fears run the show. This applies to any type of relationships! You forgot to include yourself @Rhaenys alongside me, @Jay2023 and @Dannydan. You also give back so are a lovely person.

I’ve said this so many times on this thread there’s a fine line between friends and lovers and that’s sexual attraction. If you don’t feel like touching , kissing or more than they remain friends lol. Big but though my current partner was in my life for a while so it wasn’t an instant spark but I just remember feeling this intense desire all of a sudden to be with him. So sparks can grow it requires a deeper type of intimacy and bond. It requires the right set of circumstances and time too.

He’s my best friend , I can lean on him not feel judged, talk to him effortlessly for hours. Sometimes he avoids replying at work now because we get caught up in back and forth texts and then find it hard to quit. Lol. I thinks that’s so important in a relationship to have that kind of communication beyond the honeymoon phase where there’s always a chase so to be able to sustain it shows a deep emotional connect. So you’re not asking for too much at all.  I think finding someone on your same communication wavelength is what creates lasting relationships. Some couples are content not having deep conversations or banter exchanged etc and it works for them, but if it is something you need and it isn’t met by your partner then you will not be happy and will get resentful so don’t settle. Just wait I believe the right person is out there for you x

@Rhaenys I feel so sad reading your post. I’m sorry if I personally made you feel excluded. It is no reflection of you whatsoever. I can’t speak for @Jay2023 or @Dannydan

I think it’s just I generally gel better with men. That’s why my bond with Tim, Jay, Danny has been the strongest and I got invested in their lives. I think irl my bestie is such a presence , no other women match up to her. I’ve only made in the past 5 years one new female friend. She was a newbie and lovely girl in the office who was amazing during my initial stages of the break up with the ex. So please don’t take anything as negative.

I try my hardest to not exclude anyone and reply to everyone’s post. I would be happy to offer you any advice whenever.

It’s so important to be sincere when anonymous otherwise what’s the point? You’ll end up creating more turmoil inside yourself pretending online too! Just be open, so people can genuinely help you.

It can be really tough when all your age bracket seem loved up and settled and there you are on your own. It’s important to not get distracted by others timeline, your journey and timing is your own. I think being a woman the ticking clock doesn’t help, I think you’re at a crossroad and it requires acceptance. On one hand you are desperate to be with baby and husband and other hand you are determined to feel that attraction and have someone who meets your needs and wants.

So you need to decide and weigh up which ones more important. If you think you’re running out of time and children are paramount then I’m afraid you will need to compromise somewhere realistically to make it happen sooner but will this lead to resentment further down the line when you realise you rushed it then inevitably be driven to seek comfort or something elsewhere?

If you want someone who really sees you, someone you feel attraction on many levels and gets your essence then are you willing to run the risk of being patient and waiting whilst knowing you might miss out on children?

It comes down to what will make you feel fulfilled. Many people settle and rush into marriages to not feel alone, this is always a mistake in the end as they end up with someone they can’t be 100% real with and feeling more alone inside the relationship.

My advice your mum and dad are wise. Don’t rush it you’ll make the wrong choice, it will happen when it’s meant to. Look around you and you’ll see there is so much more that can make you happy than a relationship.

I think when we are single we are desperate to be committed and when committed we want to be single. Humans are never satisfied unless they find peace and happiness in other things including themselves.

I hope that helps x

@Rhaenys thanks for your quick response. I didn’t pick up a notification for your post and can’t see it either. Are you sending website links because then it goes into moderation.

How are you doing? Or is that spoken about in your other post?

Me i think I got too excited as things have been going so well with him. I asked him to move into mine because we have been spending so much time together and sleeping over at each others lately and its come to a stage for me I want to be next to him when I wake up in the morning. The funny thing is I was hesitant at first about sharing my space when i got my new home and he felt that, now I’m ready he doesn’t seem to be. He said  liked his own space and he has never moved in with any of his girlfriends and only saw himself doing that as a married couple. I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t think he was a commitment phobe, I couldn’t really say well marry me then either , I don’t want him or I to rush into that as it’s a big commitment and shouldn’t be done due to fears. Maybe he feels moving in things will get too serious, I know with my ex it was a shock and I had to learn to adult and its different. He knew I was disappointed and tried to reassure me and I didn’t want to pressure him , if he’s not ready then he’s not and i tried not to dwell on it too much but once I got back to my place , I just felt overwhelmed and cried. I felt all those stupid feelings again which I know are not true. I’m trying to not let myself spiral and then press destruct because he’s such a great man and does meet all my needs and wants. I don’t feel like I desire more or something is missing when I’m with him. So I’ve hit a brick wall but your right @Rhaenys I’m trying to catch my train of thoughts and patterns and divert them so they don’t run away. Thank you for saying I’m brave.

@Dannydan, I feel a little responsible as it was my idea! Sorry 😬😬

Your therapist is right, but I also think you’re having an internal conflict. And you must honour the conversation your inner self is trying to have with you. Listen intently to your brain, heart and soul to feel your way through what you may be trying to silence.

Because when you try to silence feelings that you feel shouldn’t be voiced or there, they have a funny of seeping out anyway.

Let me spell it out for you:

To anyone reading one thing is clear as the current blue skies; you love B deeply. You took time to discover yourself and your needs.

You and B share an intense emotional connect that drives the passion in your relationship too. You chose her because of her very natural ability to offer emotional support, understanding and non judgement, encouragement and you quite obviously share electric chemistry that things will only continue to soar for you two when you marry very soon.

You could have settled for the safe bet C or subsequent D – Z lol. But you chose to listen to your body, heart and soul and took the hard road and your one of the few who the stars aligned for and it paid off. You went back to B and fought because you knew you didn’t want to settle like so many do out of desperation to not feel alone, you knew deep down she actually met your real needs and wants.  I don’t believe you are having cold feet or reservations about your commitment to her or needs not being met like so many people do before the lead up to their wedding or shortly after when the honeymoon wears off and that’s always because they’ve rushed in.

BUT what I do think is happening is you’re trying to silence your internal conflict. That’s why something as small as her reading the letter has turned into something big for you.

I think you don’t want to be perceived as the “bad guy”, you are afraid that if you upset her family she will love you less? You know family holds a special place for her so if you burst that bubble of hers you equate it to her automatically bursting her own bubble about you. 

You don’t want to acknowledge the truth that you are pushing and placating for something that isn’t making you happy deep down. So stop ✋!

Keeping up appearances and trying tirelessly to be accepted never works. You don’t need the acceptance of the extended family either, chasing it will only hurt you more and lead to resentment within your own relationship.

B’s intelligent, she’s fair and I guarantee her love for you is strong but also not clingy. That’s a good thing because she will not appease for the sake of it to keep you around, she will always challenge you and you therefore will want to grow together rather than fall apart through resentment .B has always come across as a very emotionally intelligent woman,she loves you for who you are but is willing to confront things too like she did when she walked away from you. This is not something you should live in fear of but rather see it for what it is , you have strong woman by your side who loves you but also loves herself.  Once she’s aware of the situation, and the extent to which this has been bothering you I assure you I think she will react in a way you’re not expecting and create boundaries.

I think it was beautiful you wanted to protect her , keep her smiling through her own battle and not add to her stress but don’t do it to the expense of your own peace of mind.

So my advice to you Danny is you can run but never hide. When we feel something it will remain there, it will fester and then seep out. So like you did when you decided to win her back just continue being fearless, feel your emotions and hear what your body is trying to actually tell you.

Give her the letter now. Say to her i would have liked you to have read it after but I trust whenever you choose to read it, that we will get through this as a team. Then the onus is on her to decide if her desire to know is urgent or she can hold off. What do you think?

I think it’s so sad that they are treating you like that. It could just be a culture clash but B should be aware so you can navigate it as a team.  My friends have had similar issues with blended families it’s no fun. It would be easy for me to say it’s just you and her against the world but it’s not.

Just start your countdown and look forward to the big bang 😉

@Rhaenys @Jay2023 you both doing okay? I do hope you post again!

@Jay2023

JAYYYYYY! You didn’t tag me so I didn’t know you had updated us. Thank you for posting so sorry for the delayed response! So nice to know you are feeling more positive!

It’s really good to hear from you we were very worried and also full of anticipation for your developments . How are you doing now? I knew it , I knew it you had someone make you realise how good it can be! Tell me more lol

I hope you are okay still , I know days can be up and down but I’m still here if you want to talk. If you’re all good then just let me know so I don’t look out for your posts x

Oh em gee, @Tim1 when I saw it was a reply from you I couldn’t believe my eyes! You’ve made my heart soar today. Awwwwww, literally in tears! Congratulations on your baby girl. I’m not surprised she was eager she has wonderful parents she was looking to be held and cooed over by.

I always loved your sage advice and you continue to hold the same wisdom. Thank you for the reassurance and those who pass through this thread will learn the best lesson, life isn’t happy ever after but being yourself and not losing your essence is the key!
Sadly @Shelbyville @Kkasxo and @Lucie never reposted. It would have been lovely to have a conclusion.

@Shelbyville in the end found love with the guy we didn’t expect her to. Her last correspondence was around December so not long after you, she was going through major changes as a result of the new relationship and work. I too had hoped to hear from her but the lack of follow up I’m sure means she’s continued to be loved up and is happy so has no use for this thread anymore.

@Kkasxo still plays on my mind because she had Covid and was going to reply but never did. I hope she recovered and is thriving too!

You have also had a lot of change, so I’m not surprised you’re stressed, but like you said you made the right choice in partner and I’m over the moon for you, you could tell you were a great fit. You feel no what ifs so I have no doubt you’ll pull through and be an incredible father to her and continue being a great husband. I have so much I could ask you but I will just bask in this and allow you to settle into fatherhood. Currently, I’m glad I can proudly tell you I’m doing good too.

Thank you for everything you did for me when I was in the heights of insobriety and spiralling. I will treasure your precious time and kindness and send positive vibes for you forever more! If I had met you in real life,  I would never let you go. Thank you Tim, you are an amazing person! A big part of my journey. Thank you for coming back and giving me the update! You don’t know how much it means to me to read overall the pregnancy was safe and you’re girls are home. I was so invested in your journey too! Kisses and love to your bubba! 💕💕💕💕

Only because it’s you @Dannydan I’ll waive the fee! Lol

Hope you had a great Bank Holiday! I’ve been super busy so sorry about the late reply. The long weekend and weather has been so much fun. I went to my besties for a garden party with friends, and I may have given into the booze. The atmosphere and vibe meant it was too hard to resist, we all got pretty drunk but it’s safe to say after today’s hangover and learning of my shenanigans I’m not going there again even for social. Bf was amazing, he hardly ever drinks because of his job and he treats his body like a temple, so he was very comforting and sobered me up pretty fast this morning. The most embarrassing thing is I said a lot of things which I have no recollection of and my bestie revealed in a video. Cringe alert! I was singing shoutout to my ex and said some very lewd things about her brother which I will not repeat on here. True emotion really does come pouring out when drunk, I shudder to think what I could have said if I felt differently 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Since sobering up I’ve been reflecting on how far I’ve come from last year, and seeing Tim’s message has really made my day. I made all the right choices since doing all the inward work. I never thought we would be here! We did it Danny lol! You’re tying the knot and I’m finally happy with who I am, found a relationship where I feel excited, challenged and accepted. Like Tim said hard work pays off, well done us!

Oh em gee! Awww @Dannydan everything is finally finally falling together for you. Massive congratulations on becoming an uncle, cool parts questionable though lol Awwww your brother must feel over the moon. I hope bubba and mummy are doing well!

I did say it back ☺ I know it’s early but I really feel it and I know it’s not puppy love or infatuation. Like yours and B it’s been a slow burn. I feel security because we both have a deep understanding of what we want out of a relationship after our experiences. I think being with someone who has a strong identity and is emotionally intelligent to be aware enough to know their needs is another ball game. My ex I loved very very much. He was my first love but looking back I can see it was out of a different place, sometimes desperation. He had not matured enough to know his needs and wants in life. This relationship has been so different and feels meaningful. I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I’m excited. My bestie could officially become my sister lol!

I think your house purchase is fabulous and frightening all at the same time. Please prepare yourself for a slim chance of a no thank you!

Put that aside, I’m now swept away by the idea of you surprising her on your wedding night. If you’re highly confident she will like the house. Then if you’re able to get it in time, it’s in good condition, empty and will not give you scabies lol and you want to make it dreamy, go on Pinterest for inspiration and recreate your original den date where you said it all came together and you realised you’re in love, like you did for engagement,  take elements and recreate it again, make it like a tradition for your anniversaries to come. You could make it so romantic and will be free to christen the place 😉, it will be just you and her. I would prefer that over a hotel suite for the night. So that’s my suggestion!

Don’t know what @Jay2023 thinks as a man! How are you Jay? You doing okay?