Risha – I want to give you a virtual hug as I realized we have another thing in common … we both lost our fathers. I know that’s not easy and, in my situation, made me accepting of things that I shouldn’t have been. I had been alone for awhile and then lost my dad to cancer. The next guy that came along (my ex) got me at just the right stage of vulnerability. I like to hope he wasn’t so cruel as to use that to his advantage but I can’t discount it. Some people are just not good. Where there may have been moments of happiness and genuine love between us (like you with your ex), I ultimately feel these people were just not good.

I hope in both instances they feel the shame of their actions for the remainder of their days.

I feel you should ignore it. Responding shows (to him) that you care. It could be an ego boost he is looking for.

But moreso for your own wellbeing, you may fool yourself into thinking there is something there that isn’t. The situation isn’t going to change and I feel talking to him will just prolong you from moving on.

I don’t think it’s a “push off” but it does give me red flags. It feels like a game. If there is something you should know about, information that would aid in you making smart decisions for yourself (such as continuing the relationship or not), and he is holding back on it, that shows poor character in my opinion.

I feel like he’s setting things up to eventually say “I told you so”.

My opinion is: I think deep down he may realize what he’s done, but men are wired in a different way than women. They don’t display their emotions. They rarely talk of them. He knows he’s a piece of shit, he just will never admit to it.

When something similar happened to me, I wrote my ex and got everything off my chest. His reply was more short. That he never meant to hurt me. That he would always respect me. And then he ended with “you should know I’m not good at texting or explaining myself”. That was it. I didn’t get an actual apology. I didn’t get an affirmation that he once loved me. This made me more hurt and I carried it with me for a long time. I felt I didn’t get justice for the pain he caused. I am two years on now and it still bothers me/affects my self-esteem but I have taken time to self-reflect and am taking some lessons from it, most notably that I need to love myself more than anyone else and that I needed to learn to set boundaries. I am hoping you get to this place. Regardless of age (I’m 38), it will take time. Have patience with yourself. Show kindness to yourself.

And on his front …

I never reached out but curiosity, at times, got the best of me and I would check his social media. I discovered a lot. My ex got married two months after we last talked. I saw all his wedding and honeymoon photos … but not on his pages – on his wife’s (who had him tagged). He still doesn’t mention his relationship status anywhere and gives the illusion of still being single. He’s still in a dead-end job. He doesn’t look happy. I bring this up because I truly believe that energy is cyclical and what you put out is what you get in return. My ex will never know happiness or love and it is all at his own hands, lies and manipulation. I am thankful I’m not the new wife who will now have a lifetime chained to this. Your guy also has to live with the fact that he hurt an innocent person. That is a heavy weight to carry. I do believe it will haunt these guys.

You may not get closure from him (which, if you are like me, is what you really desire). You just need to take the lesson from the experience and try and move forward.

Hi Risha – I can assure you that it will, eventually, get better. You are still in the eye of the storm. You will one day laugh, instead of cry, at your ex. He chose what was easy. He rejected love. Love is something that every human desires and needs. Love is what makes life worth living. I don’t care what the cultural background is, I believe this to be a universal truth.

Change will eventually come but in the meantime, lean into your feelings. Cry. Get it all through your system. It will decrease over time. Don’t deny what you are feeling because you are being true to yourself. You have been hurt and need to learn from it. Denying your emotions will just prolong that.

You’re not old … I’m 38 (no kids)! Granted, I come from a different culture but I don’t believe a woman’s age determines their worth in life. You are clearly intelligent, friendly and have a lot going for you. Don’t place your value into not having a husband or children. There are many, many ways in which you can lead a good life and give back to the world. The traditional way is not the only way. My home country, Canada, is very open to newcomers and immigrants. You might be able to find success here. Having said that, if you are drawing a good salary in your home country, start saving and take a wonderful holiday. I travel solo a lot. It’s a great way for a woman to experience growth, comfort and trust in themselves.

Here are some reading suggestions. As you read them, please note how similar all of the stories are. You are not alone:

– Google “arranged marriage tinybuddha” and read the links. There are numerous threads on this site detailing a similar situation to what we’ve experienced. Here are a few:

https://tinybuddha.com/topic/losing-my-boyfriend-to-an-arranged-marriage/

https://tinybuddha.com/topic/he-left-me-after-7-years-together-for-conservative-parents-help-me-please/

– http://madh-mama.blogspot.com/2015/07/when-your-indian-boyfriend-leaves-you_31.html

– This website has a number of interesting articles, just search: https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/205041-arranged-marriage-broke-us-up

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/114882-arranged-marriage-how-can-anyone-go-through

Your latest posts were interesting – and continue to be similar to my own situation.

I knew my Indian bf was searching for a bride from his own culture because I came across his Shaadi page (online matrimonial site). I knew when he got married because he started posting pictures on his WhatsApp of him in Singapore. All the photos were just of him, selfies, but I wondered why the heck he would be there. I did a search for his name on Facebook and lo-and-behold, his page wasn’t updated but his new bride’s was … and I saw all the pictures of their wedding and cruise honeymoon to Singapore. Again, this was two months after we last talked. The level of shock I felt was immense. I couldn’t sleep for awhile. I could not imagine how or why someone who once professed loved for me could move on so quickly (acting like I never existed) and also do something so deceitful and hurtful to another human being.

In time, I’ve recognized several things.

1) this is cultural: Indian culture is worlds away from my own living in the west. The pressure and expectation to marry is vastly different and based upon the parents needs. I read a lot on this subject and have come to terms with the fact that my own relationship would never have worked anyway. His parents would not have wanted a non-Hindu, non-Caste, non-virgin girl for their son. They would also not have wanted someone who may be defiant to their traditions and familia responsibilities. Ultimately, I would not have wanted that life either. You have already mentioned that you and your ex share different cultures as well. I believe that he was always leading you on (yes, even for the long duration of time you knew each other). From other stories I’ve read about this type of situation, it is not uncommon. The men just like to get experience with someone before submitting to what their parents want. The men want to feel love, as love is not really part of arranged marriage. He found it with you but was ultimately too spineless to tell you of his long-term plans. Genuine love may have been present but respect wasn’t.

2) choice: You mention that his new “friend” is not as attractive and perhaps may seem like a downgrade from you. This was similar to my situation as well. The woman my ex married was NOT the type I saw him ending up with at all. But she did possess things that I did not have (same background/religion, etc.) and, as mentioned above, would be able to integrate into the family better than me. Reflecting on this, you may gain self-esteem by realizing that you were his choice. You were someone he CHOSE to make a connection with. This new woman is not his free choice and I personally don’t believe those connections will be as deep. Having said that, another choice he made was to make his parents happy over you. His methods in doing this were deceitful and hurtful and displayed a poor lack of character. Knowing this about him now, I hope you keep moving forward and only look back on the experience through the rear-view mirror. I know you deserve better than that but you also need to commit to WANTING more than that.

3) the Social Media stuff: I believe my ex posted those Singapore selfies on WhatsApp because he was sharing with other friends/family. Your ex may be doing the same. Remember, you are not the only connection he has on social media. It may not have been aimed at you (and probably wasn’t). In time I’ve realized how much more hurtful and disrespectful this was towards my ex’s new bride. Just like he erased my presence, he was now “editing” her from his life as well. He has never liked her photos on Facebook. He has never posted about her. And his relationship status, despite being married, was never updated. That is not something you do for someone you love and are proud of. I am somehow imaging your ex will be the same.

You do have the opportunity to be happy in life and I do believe that you will get through this. It will take time. The wounds are fresh. As I’ve said, I’m now two years onward and while I am doing better (and seeing someone new who is MUCH more compatible with me), I do still feel the pain. It’s not from losing the person though. It’s more in losing my self-esteem and a part of myself. But we can build that back up because we are strong. Start a journal. Start a hobby. Start researching other places to live and turn the page towards the next chapter which remains unwritten, but nonetheless full of of promise.

I am a friend for you online, when you need help. 🙂

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Michelle.