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  • June 11, 2021 at 8:08 am in reply to: Haven’t I already ruined my life? #381291
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Carly,

    you’re very welcome. I’ve taken a look at your previous thread, where you shared about your husband’s family and how unsupportive and mean they were. Back then, you and your husband were a team – it was the two of you against his family. His mother and sister tried everything to stop him from marrying you, but it appears he wouldn’t budge – you still ended up getting married. So before the wedding, it seems he was your hero, and then after the wedding he completely changed and became cold and mean.

    You said:

    He’s the kind of fake person who molds himself into what you want him to be just so he can check off freaky goal boxes like “have a house” and “get a wife.”

    So could it be that he married you out of spite to his mother and sister? To prove he can do it? You say they were mocking him while you were still dating:

    they always gave these little jabs at him, or only told stories that would make him look bad.

    His mom started cornering him and screaming at him, calling him in the middle of the night to ask whether he ever thinks Ill want to have sex with him, if he thinks he’ll be my hero,

    It seems he did behave like your hero back then:

    he conformed to everything he thought I wanted him to be. Going out of his way to be helpful and kind to others, and pretending to be a thoughtful hard worker, and to like the same media I like. He seemed like a perfectly wonderful person up until the point I married him.

    But it wasn’t because he loved you, it seems, but because he needed to prove that he can be successful. Perhaps he was mocked that he’d never get a wife, or be materially successful (e.g. have a house of his own), and you served to prove the opposite?

    After you got married, “He stopped trying to help others and became lazy too, always whining about money and jobs.’

    So after you got married, he became his true self, or rather, his more honest self: lazy, self-centered, not really wanting to work and be successful in his career, perhaps not even interested in material success (or perhaps relying on you to provide it, so he can keep a façade of success towards his family)?

    Anyway, he seems like trouble and best is to divorce him, even if your parents believe it’s a “failure”. Much bigger failure would be to stay married to him, even have children together, and then get stuck with him for a really long time…

    I love your plan – to get a better job (rooting for you, you’re definitely able to do it!) and be able to pay for the divorce and live separately from him.

    Your mother’s support for women’s rights is indeed strange, if she also believes you should tolerate even physical violence, because men are simply like that? Then why didn’t she marry such a guy, instead of a softy who agrees with everything she says? Or perhaps she supports women’s rights in theory, but not her own daughter’s rights?

     

    June 11, 2021 at 1:35 am in reply to: wouldn’t be a mercy if i just ended my life? #381284
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza,

    i laugh when i want to cry, i laugh when i feel bothered

    If you laugh when you feel bothered, or you laugh when you feel sad, it could be because when you expressed “negative” emotions such as anger or sadness in your childhood, they were unacceptable to your parents, and you might have been punished or faced some other repercussions. You couldn’t express your negative emotions freely, therefore you chose to suppress them and instead cover them up with an “acceptable” emotion, such as laughter, feigning to be happy, or indifferent, or not bothered.

    i have a really low emotional intelligence… emotion is like a mystery to me

    In order to have emotional intelligence, we first need to know how we feel, so that we could recognize how the other person feels and e.g. have empathy for them. If you needed to suppress your own emotions and got disconnected from them – for the reasons I mentioned above – it can easily lead to lack of emotional intelligence.

    i don’t even know how to deal with anxiety, i ignore it, try to re sure myeslf, doesn’t work, the only thing that works is sleep, otherwise the pain in my stomach never goes away, 

    The pain in your stomach can be from your anxiety, and if I understood well, you’re anxious most of the time when you’re awake. Anxiety as a default program can be caused by not having received proper soothing and comfort as a baby and child. For example, if you were left alone to cry in your crib, and nobody came to pick you up, that would be one reason. Or if you were punished for crying, for example.

    i have a really low self esteem,

    If you were criticized and condemned often as a child, that could have caused it. Any kind of parental rejection, or even lack of care and attention, leads the child to conclude that there’s something wrong with them, even fundamentally wrong. That they are unlovable and unworthy.

    for the sake of just knowing, what would be the price to heal? how can i heal ? what method/things i should do? and do they work actually or just for some people ?

    We as children have certain core emotional needs – such as to be loved, nurtured, accepted, appreciated, validated, to feel special to our parents, etc. If those core needs weren’t met and instead we were emotionally wounded – that’s where our adult emotional problems and anxiety stem from. In order to heal, we’d need to meet those unmet core emotional needs, and the best to do it is in therapy.

    You would have to get in touch with your suppressed emotions, but first realize that they are acceptable, that you are allowed to have them. And then you’d need to work in therapy to release them, and to receive what you haven’t received in childhood – love,  compassion, understanding, validation etc. If you’d like to know some more, I’d be happy to answer.

     

    June 10, 2021 at 11:30 pm in reply to: I do not know if I just want to be heard or need some feedback/advice #381279
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Kibou,

    you’re very welcome. Wishing you all the best, and please post whenever you feel like it <3

    June 9, 2021 at 11:24 am in reply to: End off the Road!! #381239
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I see it similarly to Sarah – that although it was a heavy experience and so much pain and sorrow has come out from your mother, it was also cathartic in a way. She finally opened her heart and shared how empty and alone she felt all these years. And also, that it started much before you were born – she said she felt empty, lonely and dead inside almost all of her life. That’s why she probably needed someone by her side, even if that someone was abusive to her and her children. Her fear of loneliness was stronger…

    My heart goes out to your mother, she’s been through a lot. I hope this confession and unburdening will do her good, and that she can forgive herself. It seems like a good idea that she’ll be living with your brother’s family for a while, and be able to find some comfort and joy in her grandchildren.

    We cried for hours and I’ve never felt so devastated, my heart cries for all the years and pains that my mother has gone through. I know I’m not responsible, but I feel the pain and can’t stop the hurt and sorrow I feel because of my mother.

    I believe it’s like when a child sees their mother cry – they start crying too, because they feel helpless, they’re afraid, they don’t know what’s going to happen next. A small child cannot console their mother but cries and breaks down with her… And since you’re pretty much identified with your own inner child, you don’t have the capacity yet to provide consolation either to yourself or to your mother. I think that’s why you too were crying inconsolably…

    It just reminded me about myself, and that her inner child is also broken. It reminded me that she has also been a child once, that has most probably been neglected and hurt. When I saw her, I didn’t see my mother, I saw a hurt child, that was lost and alone, that felt unloved and rejected by everyone and by the whole world.

    You too had a very similar experience: a hurt child, that was lost and alone, that felt unloved and rejected by everyone and by the whole world. Maybe this can help you to stop blaming yourself, and to find compassion for yourself, for your own inner child?

     

    June 9, 2021 at 10:12 am in reply to: Need some advice, as im so frustrated #381237
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    it’s fine that you posted the anime drawing in your close friends group. You were proud of your achievement and wanted to show it to your close friends – nothing wrong about that.

    As for the rest – thinking and obsessing whether you should have done it or not, and whether those girls will think less of you because of it – that’s the internal saboteur. That’s the voice that wants to keep you from growing. And he succeeded for a moment because you immediately started questioning yourself and your drawing, thinking that it may be childish, that the girls won’t like you because of it etc etc… the end result: it took away all your joy and pride about your achievement, and pushed you back to square one, into paralysis and anxiety. Do you see this?

    But you have the antidote for that: try to neutralize the voice of the saboteur and focus on the internal achiever (perhaps this is how we should call the antidote to the saboteur), telling yourself positive affirmations, like I suggested earlier.

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Tee.
    June 9, 2021 at 9:47 am in reply to: wouldn’t be a mercy if i just ended my life? #381235
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza,

    I was trying to point out how our reality and our truth is created, because it means it’s not set in stone, but can be changed. But if you prefer to stay in your reality, that’s your choice, you have the right to do so.

    truth is relative, really try living in my mind, without any joy of anything, without a motivation to change, with only few goals (easy way/being not human), , then you can advice me and i can take such advice in account,

    I understand you don’t have either joy or motivation to change. I’ve tried to explain why you might lack the motivation to change – because it protects you from pain that you may face when dealing with past trauma. I’ve explained that your lack of motivation to change is a defense mechanism. But I also respect that you want to stay in it, at least for the time being.

    Moreover, it seems you’re quite passionate about staying in it:

    i promised myself two things, one is that i do everything by my rules and way, two is that the only trying im gonna do to improve anything would be death,

    So when you say you’re not passionate about anything, not true: you are passionate about staying in your protective shell. Which I respect, although it’s a pity.

    i gotta say, you remind me of something i lost, people, norimes.

    Yes, people cannot enter your protective shell… but that’s the price to pay…

     

    June 9, 2021 at 8:31 am in reply to: Need Hope #381225
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Ilyana,

    it’s good to hear you’re seeing multiple therapists and have done some powerful healing work around your mother. It means you’re taking care of yourself, and your family is helping too: your sister financially, while your husband in practical ways. I understand though that if your husband doesn’t give you any emotional support and isn’t interested in hearing about your feelings, it’s hard to feel close to him.

    Is it that he doesn’t know what to say and how to comfort you when you complain about things? In your other thread you wrote: “He gets angry often and is completely baffled by my need for emotional support“. Perhaps he gets angry because he feels clueless and doesn’t know how to help you, which makes him frustrated?

    I am sorry that you actually feel upset about your manic episode and that it wasn’t a good sign, as I thought… What did your therapist say about it?

     

    June 9, 2021 at 1:17 am in reply to: wouldn’t be a mercy if i just ended my life? #381214
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza,

    to answer your question, i do think that i might did this whole thing to escape feeling bad,

    okay, so you see (or potentially acknowledge) that you’re not created differently, in a way that guarantees misery, but that you’ve come up with a belief system which tells you you’re a victim of bad programming. When it’s much more likely that you are a victim of bad upbringing…

    but this whole thing is based on truths, mostly, unless i get sneaky and use my own definitions

    It is based on the truth of life as you experienced it. But did you know that the child’s neocortex (the thinking part of the brain) starts developing only at the age of 2, when we start speaking. Before that time, the child cannot think rationally, it can only absorb impulses and sensations from the environment, and can only feel: pleasant vs unpleasant, expanding vs contracting, warm vs cold, anxiety vs calm. Mom’s face smiling vs mom’s face sad/angry. Mom caressing me vs mom hitting me.

    For the entire 2 years the child just feels and absorbs like a sponge, and only later it starts giving meaning to the experience. So if a child is born into a violent home, his basic experience of life is that of anguish, anxiety, coldness, harshness, terror. Such child starts thinking that the entire world is a hostile and dangerous place. He/she bases his conclusions on his personal experience, which he sees as the entire truth.

    So when you say, it’s the truth – yes, it’s your truth. And it started first in your bones and tissues, not in your mind. It started with negative bodily and emotional experiences, and only after that you made a conclusion, with your rational mind, about yourself and the world.

    im not just emotion (your claim that i did this whole thing for the only one goal), there is a mind that think and value things (truth),

    Definitely, you’re not just emotions. But I’ve just explained, and it’s backed by neuroscience, how it all starts with emotions and bodily sensations, with the so-called “felt sense”. We build our “truth” i.e. our perception of reality based on those very visceral experiences. Luckily, it’s possible to change those early emotional/bodily imprints, so that they don’t define our adult lives. That’s what healing is all about….

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Tee.
    June 8, 2021 at 12:38 pm in reply to: Need Hope #381198
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Ilyana,

    good to hear from you. It’s interesting and may even be a good sign that you had somewhat of a manic episode, where you’ve livened up and started having romantic feelings. This hasn’t happened since your son was born, so perhaps it means something positive. It may mean you’re feeling hope again that things can be different in your life:

    it also reminded me what it feels like when someone actually likes you and wants to talk to you. If I am going to be in a relationship, I need to feel that way sometimes, and I can see that that is not an unreasonable desire.

    You’re also aware of your deeper need:

    I miss feeling seen and valued and like someone actually has a bit of faith in me.

    You’ve never received that from your mother – she was so consumed with hating your father that she sacrificed your emotional well-being for that. She sacrificed her own health too. For a long time during childhood, you believed your father rejected you and doesn’t want to have anything to do with you. You felt unlovable and unworthy. No wonder you have the need to feel loved and seen and valued. During the depressive phase, I guess you give up the hope that this would ever be possible, and during the manic phase, it seems this hope reawakens.

    You say your husband is emotionally unresponsive, and yet you married him. Could it be because at least he wasn’t so obsessed with hating other people like your mother was? Perhaps his lack of emotions felt better than having strong negative emotions all the time, like your mother did?

    It could be that your choice of husband was a reaction to your mother, a way to protect yourself from emotional abuse. But it’s not good enough, because you don’t want to live without emotional expression altogether.

    The solution would be the same that we’ve talked about in the beginning of this thread – to give yourself the love and appreciation you’re hoping to get from others. Easier said than done, I know… What are you working on in your therapy at the moment? How are you progressing with self-love and self-compassion?

     

    June 8, 2021 at 10:31 am in reply to: It helps to be listened to #381194
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Ben,

    I am glad you realized that there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with you, and that it was your upbringing that resulted in certain limitations that you may have – limitations that can be fixed though.

    My stress and fear are still here, as are all of my oddities and inhibitions.

    What are you afraid of most at present? What do you feel most inhibited about?

    It’s hard to pin down exactly what I’m searching for. I know that there’s more in my past that can explain my present. But explaining it and actually fixing it are two different things.

    True, they are two different things, but if you know what caused a certain pattern of behavior, it will be easier to transform it. For example, you mentioned your fear of confrontation. It might have been caused (and you might already be guessing it) by your parents never having had a confrontation, and then once they did have one, it resulted in a divorce. Conclusion: confrontation is dangerous and leads to irreparable damage. Just as an example…

    I’m having an anxious morning today, and it has brought with it a strong dose of “nothing can fix you”. I should pause until this mood passes.

    That’s a very good attitude – you have a lot of self-awareness to know that “nothing can fix you” is not the entire truth. It’s a reaction of the anxious part, but there’s more to you than the anxious part. So when you ask “What do I do now?”, my first suggestion is to keep practicing what you’re already doing: pause and take a break when the inner critic starts judging you. Don’t trust the inner critic, don’t identify with him. Step back and tell yourself “there’s more to the story than this”. So keep things in perspective, don’t judge yourself – would be my first suggestion.

    June 8, 2021 at 9:27 am in reply to: Need some advice, as im so frustrated #381191
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I am glad that you’re aware of the two parts inside of you – one that is overthinking and keeps you stuck in a loop, and the other who wants to make progress and advance.

    I even tried learning to draw cartoons on weekends to feel some achievement. And yeah it felt good.

    That’s great, I am happy for you! Just keep trying out new things, things that are fun and that you enjoy. Keep stretching yourself and your limits, every day a little bit. It doesn’t have to be some big accomplishment, but small things.

    The only thing i can do right now is by not posting anything on instagram, i even track my record to feel calmer….. i’ve achieved 18 days without posting and every time i see that record i feel very calm.

    Even that is an achievement, Felix. You haven’t been posting for 18 days, you’re sort of exercising your willpower not to post. It’s like flexing a muscle 🙂 And it makes you feel good and calm… it’s a good strategy, I believe.

    Actually the past mistakes that i’m only thinking right now is about that instagram stories, i used to post stuffs that end up embarrassing myself…. i did that only to attract that girl (the girl who confesses to me but told me not to wait for her)…. and now after failing to get her….. my brain feels that i did something wrong….. that im embarrassing myself to 300 people who viewed my instagram stories only to get her attention…. and in the end, it didnt work out with her. Like i lost on both sides.

    There are two parts activated in you when you reflect upon this story: one is the healthy part who sees that your behavior (bragging) wasn’t the best, since it was motivated by an unmet need for love and approval, specially for being liked by that girl. It’s a self-reflective part, who says “this was inappropriate but I didn’t know better at the time. So I forgive myself. From now on, I’ll try to do better.” This is the part who wants to make progress, learn from his mistakes, and grow as a person. This is also the part who wants to draw cartoons, I believe 🙂

    And then there’s another part, who uses whatever “unsettled problem” you have to keep you stuck in a mental loop, obsessively thinking about it. As I said, I believe this part is protecting you from potential failure, by preventing you from trying anything new. It’s an internal saboteur.

    When you hear its voice, you can notice to yourself: “Ah, this is the protector. He’d like me to stay stuck because he’s afraid I am a failure. He thinks he’s protecting me, but he’s in fact holding me back. When I listen to him, I am paralyzed and unable to move on. I am accusing myself all the time and my thoughts drive me crazy. I don’t want that any more. I want to advance and thrive, I want to try out new things. Therefore I am choosing not to listen to this paralyzing voice at this moment. I am choosing to experience something new. I am making a space in my mind and heart for a new experience. I am open to a new experience.”

    This is just a suggestion, you can use your own words of course. If you feel like trying it, let me know how it went…

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Tee.
    June 8, 2021 at 6:10 am in reply to: Need Hope #381188
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Ilyana,

    how are you? Have you managed to get into the residential treatment program you hoped for?

    June 8, 2021 at 4:39 am in reply to: End off the Road!! #381187
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I am sorry about your mother. You said earlier she is blaming herself, and that’s one of the reasons why she had a mental breakdown:

    She’s feeling guilty and is blaming herself. I’m ruining her. I just want to hug her and ask for forgiveness and tell her how much I love her.

    Did she tell you why she’s blaming herself? Because after all, she is responsible for allowing the domestic abuse to happen for the first 5 years of your life. She allowed it due to her own weaknesses, and the result is her deeply wounded son. I am not saying she is the only one to blame – far from that – but simply that there is a basis for that guilt, in my opinion.

    If you see her entirely as a victim, and yourself as a villain who ruined her life, you’re not helping yourself, neither are you helping your mother. Can you accept that you’re not responsible for your mother’s unhappiness, and that it started much earlier than you were even born?

     

    June 8, 2021 at 4:17 am in reply to: It helps to be listened to #381185
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Ben,

    you’re welcome. This seems to be a new perspective for you, one that is different from your view of yourself so far. Take as much time as you need to process it. Looking forward to hearing more from you when you’re ready.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Tee.
    June 8, 2021 at 1:15 am in reply to: I do not know if I just want to be heard or need some feedback/advice #381183
    Tee
    Participant

    And I think this is so beautiful and a testament to your healing:

    Now, I say that “home is within me; it is all the places, people, and memories I have made across the world.”

    You can now see it from a different perspective, appreciating what you had and the deep connections you’ve made, rather than mourning what you’ve “lost”. Truly precious…

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