Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
TeeParticipantDear Felix,
how is your mental chatter now? I can imagine it’s hard for you to live with it all the time, and that’s why it would be important to do something about it. Because as you’ve noticed it yourself, you’ll always find some reason to worry and obsess about. Now the latest is your fear of your ex-girlfriend/crush making fun of your crying when she told you it’s over. Earlier it was fear of embarrassing yourself on instagram… You’re very dependent on other people’s opinion of you, and your own core (the sense of self) is quite fragile.
In martial arts there’s a term of the core, which is your abdomen (it’s also called the solar plexus chakra and the tantien). You may want to look at it and do exercises for strengthening your core. Our bodily feeling can affect how we feel emotionally, so if you feel strong(er) in your body, you will feel stronger emotionally too. And those questions and obsessions will lessen as the result. That’s the best solution I see for you – more thinking and analyzing won’t do any good.
TeeParticipantDear canary,
I am the youngest and my parents decided that when I was born they would parent me better and I was the closest to my mother. My siblings grew up afraid because my father was strict and would yell a lot. My father didn’t yell at me as much but I learned to stand up for myself because of it.
I see. Well, it seems that their parenting better meant less emotional abuse (e.g. less yelling by your father), but not enough emotional support – resulting in emotional neglect. Emotional neglect is almost as equally damaging to the child. Of course, you weren’t completely neglected, you say you were close to your mom and were given the most attention out of your siblings. But your mother lacked certain key skills and wasn’t aware of the importance of child’s emotional health, and she didn’t react properly to your anxiety.
As far as your father, it’s good that he didn’t yell at you – probably that’s why you managed to stand up to that girl in the 6th grade, and tell her that she was rude (even though your mother advised you to ignore her, i.e. not to speak to her). But then, after expressing yourself, you ran away and cried – because it was a very stressful experience, you felt alone, and I guess there was nobody to soothe you afterwards.
You say you felt close to your mom. But I wonder if in situations like this, you still felt alone and helpless?
TeeParticipantDear canary,
I don’t think my mom thought it was a big deal to tell my father about it.
yes, that’s a problem. It was a big problem for you, but in her eyes it wasn’t a big problem, and so she downplayed it. Or she let you deal with it on your own (like letting you stay at home to avoid feeling anxious in class).
She probably wasn’t aware of the importance of emotional support and the child’s emotional health. I think it goes into the category of emotional neglect – not providing enough emotional support to the child. She probably didn’t know better, but it still happened and affected you negatively.
Do you have a lot of siblings? Because that too may contribute to the child not receiving enough attention from the parents…
TeeParticipantDear canary,
My mother knew about the bullying from the girl but she did not do much she just gave me advice on how to handle it.
What did she tell you?
Only my mother knew about the bullying in the 6th grade.
This means your mother didn’t tell your father about it. What do you think is the reason?
TeeParticipantDear canary,
I told my mom about the incident that happened in the 5th grade and my mom would let me stay at home. She did not know what to do but she allowed me to skip school for that reason.
This shows that your mother unfortunately didn’t know how to handle problems like this. She (or your father) should have gone to school and talked to the teacher, and also talked to you to soothe your anxiety. Parents are adults and one of their main roles is to emotionally regulate the child – to soothe and comfort the child, to reduce the child’s anxiety, because the child is unable to do that for themselves. It seems your parents didn’t have those skills and would rather let you to “regulate” yourself by avoiding uncomfortable situations. It seems you didn’t have a proper background, a proper safety net to fall on in stressful situations, and that’s why you likely developed anxiety.
When you were bullied in the 6th grade, did your parents know about that at all? And when you finally stood up for yourself and told that girl that she was rude (but then ran away crying) – did your parents know about it?
July 23, 2021 at 11:20 pm in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #383354TeeParticipantDear Candice88,
He told me that he changed from reflecting on what I may have gone through, and never wanting to make someone feel that again.
Maybe I making bold assumptions here, but I don’t think he spontaneously started contemplating about you and your suffering, realizing how badly he treated you. To me it seems more likely that something triggered his change, e.g. that he went through a similar experience himself, of being mistreated and manipulated, and maybe that’s when he sought therapy? Has he been to therapy btw?
Yes, I had massive self esteem issues from him, a very successful, ambitious person who I was supposed to trust, telling me over and over how I should get “over it” and that I was embarrassing. I definitely absorbed that.
And it seems to me that your self-esteem issues didn’t start with him, but earlier, only perhaps they weren’t so strong? You might have been attracted to very self-confident, ambitious people because you yourself didn’t feel that way?
I may have a follow-up question (sorry for bombarding you): you say M is an addict, and he presented himself as a “whole and healed person”. Could it be that he is on cocaine or a similar drug, and also looks like an ambitious, self-confident person on the outside?
TeeParticipantHi Emy,
good to hear you didn’t have such an experience. When did you start sensing other people’s energy so intensely?
You asked what the goal is of this experience. Well, considering that you’re highly sensitive energy-wise and that it overwhelms you – not just with this man, but in general – I believe the goal might be to reduce that sensitivity, since it affects you badly. How do you feel about reducing your sensitivity, so that you can function normally? Would you want that or it would feel like a loss?
-
This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by
Tee.
July 23, 2021 at 10:41 pm in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #383350TeeParticipantDear Candice88,
you’re welcome. It appears he really did change and is much more considerate now. How did this change come about – what motivated him?
I have a hard time letting go of love. I want to explore every avenue before I throw in the towel on relationships, even bad ones
I understand. That’s why now you’re giving a chance to M too… With S, he was completely closed off at the time and unwilling to even consider that he might need to change. And yet, you stayed with him until he broke up with you. Perhaps you believed him at the time that it was your fault, and that you’re the one to blame?
I always wanted him to mature and change for the sake of girls who came after me,
This is interesting what you’ve said. It means you sort of knew he was to blame, or at least that he too was to blame, but you’ve stayed with him anyway. Have you hoped that he would still change at some point? That you would “save” him, so to speak?
July 23, 2021 at 2:41 pm in reply to: My ex and I still love each other, but can’t be together #383333TeeParticipantDear Candice88,
I am sorry you feel like a big loss happened in your life and that what happened is unfair.
I can imagine your stress and anxiety when you were in Japan, and S was out drinking every night (or often) with his female friends. It sort of gave the perfect setting for you thinking the worst – that he would cheat again, when drunk. You asked him to let you know when he comes home from those parties, but he never did. That caused you even more stress and anxiety, i.e. panic attacks.
It’s like he didn’t care about you, he didn’t have understanding for your concerns, on the contrary he behaved in a way that tortured you. And he told you it’s your fault and to pull yourself together.
Your only fault was that you tolerated it and stayed with him (perhaps your hopes got up when he mentioned engagement rings?). I guess his behavior was the same when you returned from Japan and came to live with him? It culminated in him breaking up with you just before he was to transfer to a different city for a new job. You needed to pack up and leave his place within 2 days, causing you great stress and financial losses.
Yes, this guy was an a**hole, and it’s good you’ve moved on. What’s not so good is that you’ve met with him again. Now you say he has matured and has more compassion. Has he apologized for treating you like he did – for partying with his female friends, and then accusing you of being paranoid? Has he realized what exactly he has done wrong?
He told me he still loves me too. How we are both on each other’s minds, how we are each other’s “big ex”, the relationship we always wanted to work out.
Well, he didn’t love you back then. His behavior wasn’t love. And I don’t think he wanted the relationship to work out, because he kept accusing you of being too sensitive, when in fact he was too insensitive. He made it all to be your fault. I wonder if he’s realized that now?
He said “it should be you with me”, and “I never thought I would see you again and NOT be with you”.
I am sorry but this doesn’t sound sincere to me. It’s like he is putting up a front of this mature, considerate guy and white-washing his past actions. Unless he actually apologized for his past behavior?
S has grown so much, seems like a much more emotionally intelligent and sensitive partner. But it’s unfair that I didn’t dodge the bullet – I got shot.
You did get shot, but you can recover. There are ways to treat PTSD. You don’t need to suffer for life, and you don’t need to suffer because of him, because I don’t think he’s so irreplaceable…
TeeParticipantHi Emy,
Yes. I think I’m highly sensitive and I can easily sense other people’s energy and it overwhelms me indeed. And his energy totally overwhelms me.
Right. Have you done some research on highly sensitive people? There is one theory according to which high sensitivity (to other people’s energy and moods) develops as a result of circumstances in which the child grows up. For example, if the child grows up with an unpredictable parent, who can sometimes be abusive, they develop an ability to perceive the parent’s mood so they can adapt their behavior and protect themselves from trouble. It’s almost like a defense mechanism – developing “sensors” for trouble.
I don’t know if this is similar to your experience? In any case, I believe it would help to lower that sensitivity by strengthening your boundaries… how are you with boundaries? Can you say No to people?
TeeParticipantDear Peace,
I am fine, thank you, just returned from holidays and feeling fine 🙂
i think for me YES i would go for it if i love the person and if the relationship feels right to me.
Good that you have that clarified with yourself! You’re fine with marrying soon, if the person is right. And this guy seems right for you, so the only problem is your family.
if i talk to them about him ,they might bring my study in between this proposal ,not because they want me to graduate before getting marry but because they won’t think this Guy is (caste – wise) compatible for me and they will ask me to complete my education because they have invested for my studies
Do you think they might prevent you from finishing your education (e.g. stop financing it) if you get married without their approval? What’s the worst that can happen if they don’t approve?
TeeParticipantDear Natie,
you’re so very welcome! I am glad those words resonated with you. It means this is what really happened and you did feel burdened as a young girl, burdened and guilty for things you weren’t responsible for.
You may want to put your hand on your heart and tell yourself – the young girl – that she can relax now and put down that heavy burden that she’s been carrying. She can put it down and have a rest. Just not worry about anything. Empty her mind. You may also give her permission to simply enjoy herself and be carefree…
If you decide to do the meditation/visualization, let me know how it went…
Rooting for you and wishing you all the best! <3
TeeParticipantDear canary,
thanks for sharing some more… When that situation happened in the 4th grade, when your class mate cut his finger and you got confused as to what to do – have you told your parents about it? If so, what was their reaction?
In the fifth grade, when you felt extremely anxious because the teacher would often pick you to answer questions (to help you come out of your shell) – have you talked about it with your parents? Did they know you were skipping school because of that?
I am asking you this because if you needed to deal with problems on your own (or you didn’t want to upset your parents with your problems), it can easily lead a child to develop anxiety because there’s no one to help them and emotionally regulate them…
TeeParticipantHi Emy,
you say you’re looking for a goal for this phenomenon, and I think you’re right: it would make sense to understand the purpose and what this entire situation is trying to tell you.
You said about yourself:
I’m easily overwhelmed with emotions and it’s not good for me. I am emotionally compromised by nature.
Would you care to elaborate a little bit on that? Perhaps you’re what it’s called a highly sensitive person and can easily sense other people’s energy, and sometimes it overwhelms you?
TeeParticipantDear Felix,
Right now i’m trying to stop my internal saboteur from making this issue a new obsession to worry about.
Excellent that you’re observing yourself and realizing that your internal saboteur would want to make this a new issue to obsess about. It’s a new subject to “latch” onto, and he does it in an attempt to keep you in stuck in one place, not trying anything new, not doing physical exercise, just overthinking until you get exhausted and depressed.
Notice his intention and do something such as physical exercise, walk, jog, drawing or whatever that can help you stop this voice and do something productive.
I’ll write more later.
-
This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.