Dear Murtaza,

you mentioned me in two of your recent posts, and considering the developments here, I feel like saying something.

I may sound arrogant, and rude sometimes, but i was never dishonest, that was a claim based on the image you bulild, pure projecting, a proof of my honesty is my replies to both peter and teak, by calling me those things, you made me re consider myself, (im i really that bad? Am i really dishonest? How?)

My impression is that you were rude and arrogant with me, but I ascribed it to a part of you, not the entirety of who you are. The rude and arrogant part is the protective part, who is there to protect you from pain. I’ve already explained it in my earlier posts. In one brief moment you showed an openness to learn more about healing (on page 8):

If you’d like to know some more, I’d be happy to answer.

yes more, without the need of therapy nor people, just me and as clear as you can be (meaning when you say accept anxiety, i want you to tell me what exactly do i say and do)

But very soon you abandoned the idea, saying you don’t have money for online therapy (and that there are no adequate therapists in Iraq – which I believe, specially since you had a bad experience with therapy in the past). When I mentioned quality online resources for free, e.g. videos of world-known expert in healing of trauma and addiction (dr. Gabor Mate), you stopped responding.

I also offered my help (which is of limited capacity, but still) here on the forum – if you were willing to share a bit more about your childhood. You never took the chance. All this told me that you’re not really interested in helping yourself get out of your present state. Basically, it means your protective part is very strong and you’re almost completely identified with it, and so the smidge of interest you’ve shown in therapy and healing was immediately squashed by it. I accepted it and indeed, silently withdrew.

What I can say however, is that I didn’t see you as manipulative or dishonest. You were the same all the time, rejecting all arguments, insisting you cannot or don’t want to change etc etc. You didn’t try to manipulate people on the forum, except that now, towards the end you said to anita that you might consider her argument if she gives you a good one. Which is not really true because there is no argument that can convince you to change your mind – to consider changing it one iota – at least for now.

The proof for that is that sometimes, when it suits you, you use science as a proof that you’re right, and in the very next breath you say you don’t trust science. That’s how you can dismiss any argument you don’t like, and fill up all potential “cracks” where you could be reached. The end result: your fortress is super strong and guarded from all sides.

So perhaps at the very end you were a little manipulative with anita, when you told her that if she presents a strong enough argument, you might consider it and even change – even though you knew there was nothing she could say to change your mind. But in general, taking the entire thread into consideration, I haven’t experienced you as manipulative or dishonest.

You did respond with nice words to anita, but I don’t think it was to manipulate her, but because she treated you kindly too. She expressed her love and appreciation for you, she said she doesn’t quite understand why she feels like she does, but she felt love for you.

You haven’t changed much throughout the course of the conversation, on page 11 you still claimed:

Here i am, no feelings, no desires, no goals, only consuming, like an animal, at least an animal doesn’t have awareness, the drugs has made me even more apathetic, more numb, i kinda like it, this is why i laugh at everything that happens to me, because its all just a big joke, all of this

But anita seems to have been hopeful that her love and affection might change you:

I don’t have any other answer that you will be open to consider: ever since you first posted last summer, your intention was never to consider my thoughts and suggestions (or anyone else’s). Never has it been your intention to be open to change your thinking (or to change other people’s thinking). Your intention with me was to get a bit of attention and affection. You manage to receive it, but my attention, affection and love really make no difference in your life, not practically, and not in any way that will make you less interested in dying.

You didn’t give her the reason to hope that you would change, but she still did hope, and then got disappointed. In my opinion, you haven’t mislead her or fool her – you were yourself all the way. Still unreachable, impenetrable, but true to your Protector. So I don’t see you as manipulative or dishonest.

Having said that, I am sorry you’re unreachable at the moment. I do sincerely hope that this will change for you, and that you will have the chance to live from your true self, which is imprisoned within the walls of that fortress.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Luna,

it seems to be that in the beginning he tried to “save” you, and was very enthusiastic about your relationship. Then he got disillusioned (like he does with other things in his life, such as photography), and he reverted to his normal self – which is feeling anxious, worthless, lacking enthusiasm, somewhat depressed, exhibiting passive aggressive and other immature behavior, and last but not least, lacking interest in the relationship (“he does not know why he gets bored easily after some time in a relationship”).

You liked his enthusiasm and energy in the beginning of your relationship. You don’t like his present self, because he’s not listening to your complaints – he tends to shut you up and tell you you’re overreacting. He gets scared when you talk about your suicidal thoughts, and this makes you feel alone. He doesn’t want to talk about his problems and his emotions with you. He stonewalls you and then sulks if you demand that he talk to you.

It seems that at this point, you can’t stand each other’s bad mood, and cannot really support each other in any way:

I cannot stand his bad mood, and this has made both of us tired of each other. I cannot face someone else’s negative energy when I am in a bad mood I can’t take it and Im sorry about this.

In the past he could stand your bad mood, but now he cannot and doesn’t want to, because he has enough of his own problems. You miss his support and enthusiasm that he showed in the beginning, and because of that you started resenting him.

You also realized you’re very different, have different interests, political views, views about life etc. You have hardly anything in common, other than the childhood trauma (“family issues, father issues“). Since the original dynamic – him trying to save you and you relying on his help and support – changed, there’s nothing that binds you any more.

It seems to me there’s really no point in staying together, because both of you have serious issues to work on, and once you solve those issues, it’s not sure you would even like each other. It’s not sure you would even be compatible.

What you like about him is that he wouldn’t cheat on you (“He has most of the moral qualities I expected from my partner. I trust him completely and I know he does not talk to anyone else.”). But other than, there isn’t much that you like about him, is there? And maybe, there isn’t much that he likes about you either at this point. You think he would be disappointed and heartbroken if he found out that you’re so unsure about him, but perhaps he would be relieved?

Dear bren,

He might not be able to give you a clear No because of his own issues, such as the one I mentioned – that he wants to have you as a backup in case things don’t work out with his new girlfriend. Or it could be other reasons, such as him feeling guilty for cutting you off.

A bigger problem, at least as I see it, is why you feel at an impasse if he doesn’t give you a clear-cut answer. Why having hope, i.e. a chance of getting back with him – is such a burden for you. My impression is that it could be because you’re afraid you might not live up to his expectations:

He also said what if we get back together and I work on these things I have going on and then stop and it goes back to the way it was.

He doesn’t want to be disappointed again. He’s been disappointed before. You said he lost hope (that you would change?), and that’s why he broke up with you. You don’t want to mess it up again.

If he told you he’s not interested in a future with you, you wouldn’t need to worry about messing up again. And you wouldn’t risk being rejected again – for not being good enough.

Does this sound like a possibility to you?

Dear bren,

I did some soul searching and realized I had a lot going in that way preventing me from being the best partner. It wasn’t my personality that sucked or didn’t match his personality, it was stress/depression/anxiety/thyroid issue over the past 2 years.

I never want to feel the way I felt ever again now that I know I can control it. My therapist said … the changes I am making are going to be life long.

It seems you’ve come to some realizations of how you were contributing to problems in your relationship, and you’ve decided to work on yourself and attend therapy. That’s a great decision and a great plan. You’re working on some deep issues, which will lead to life-long changes, and you becoming a happier, more fulfilled and more authentic person.

What kind of spoils the plan is that you seem to tie your determination to work on yourself with his willingness to get together with you. You’re enmeshed with him, and in this enmeshment you seem conflicted because one part of you is eager to improve and get back together with him:

After realizing what was going on inside of me I found a new confidence and positivity that made me feel like he and I had a potential future because I could fix the feelings i’ve been having.

Hard to accept he would move on so fast to suppress his feelings for me. Hard to accept that we didn’t communicate the past year which really led to the downfall. Hard to let him go. Difficult to shake the feeling in my heart.

But another part wants him to shut the door on you:

I reached out to him to essentially “squash my confidence” aka tell me we had no chance in hell and to just block me after because I had no idea why I felt this way in my heart.

I just don’t understand why he won’t say no.

I just need straight forward answers because it leaves hope still there.

I am trying to convince myself I am holding onto hope, not reality.

How would it be different for you if he would give you a definite No? If he would shut the door on you completely? What would change for you?

Dear Felix,

If it’s a holiday picture, say you’re on a beach, it’s okay if it’s without glasses because it gives an appropriate context – e.g. you’re on a beach, sitting in a beach chair, enjoying yourself. I think in that case no one would be surprised to see you without glasses. So you could achieve what you wanted: attract attention (possibly to your better looks without glasses) without bringing yourself into an awkward situation.

But in that case too, even if posting the photo is “legit”, one thing will happen for sure: you’ll be obsessively thinking about people’s reactions, and the internal saboteur will take over. You won’t be able to feel good about yourself, thinking “I am handsome” and be pleased about yourself, but you’ll worry incessantly. That’s why there’s no point in posting if it will cause you endless worry and anxiety. On the contrary, if you could say to yourself “you know, I am handsome and I want to show it to the world” – then no problem, go ahead and post it.

You see what I mean? Post only if you’re confident about yourself, not if your confidence depends on other people’s reactions.

Dear Ashmitha,

you’re very welcome. I am so glad you’re feeling better, and that your anxiety and second-guessing yourself about the breakup has passed. I love your clarity about what you want from a relationship:

I know I want a serious relationship that involves effort and genuine interest in me from him, meeting each other’s friends, being public about the relationship on social media and later meeting family. I won’t settle for less than that next time.

Excellent!

You’re also clear about your goals, both for your personal growth and professional success:

I’d like to spend time getting to know myself and healing from my past wounds. I want to find safety and security in myself, rather than others. I want to put my energy into excelling during my Master’s degree and finding a great job next summer when I graduate. I also want to look for a therapist.

Great goals – all of them!

You asked about a therapist – I guess a psychotherapist would be most suitable, better than a social worker or a psychologist, because they’re specifically trained to help people heal the emotional wounds. I personally had an integrative psychotherapist, who combined CBT with somatic therapy and inner child work. That ensured that I not only understood mentally what happened, but that I could heal emotionally too.

It’s great you can share your process with a close friend, who is in a somewhat similar situation, and that you’re doing physical exercise, yoga, etc…

It seems to me you’re in a good place, Ashmitha, having a positive attitude and clarity about what you want in the future. Just keep focused on your goals, and if you experience doubt, know that it’s normal and a part of the process… And post whenever you feel the need <3

Dear Theresa,

if I am understanding it well, there are several problems that you’re facing at the moment, all related to each other:

1) you are left out of some projects and activities led by the committees you’re on,

2) the committee’s chairperson claims that you didn’t do your job properly on a previous project, even though she didn’t even know what your tasks were on that project,

3) the chairperson has a habit of treating you poorly, accusing you unjustly, talking at you without listening to you, and never apologizing,

4) you got a bad yearly evaluation, and it was because you didn’t know what would be asked from you. You felt you were at a disadvantage because your co-workers (including the one who treats you poorly) were shown how a project should be monitored, and you weren’t, and this lead to you performing worse at the evaluation.

5) In the past couple of years, you were afraid to share your ideas, because you were afraid that they weren’t good enough and that you would fail. Now, after receiving bad evaluation, you shared those ideas with your boss, and he was quite pleased. He shows interest in your work and is cordial with you.

Your biggest fear is that next year you’ll be off the mark again because you won’t know what exactly is wanted from you:

My biggest fear is that I will proceed next year and find out I was way off in what he wants from me. I have always thought I was doing an ok job with the project. I knew it needed improvement, and I was happy to improve and learn whatever I needed to know.

As I see it, the common denominator in these problems is that you often don’t know what is expected from you (but you’re afraid to ask?), and the result is that you don’t perform according to expectations. Or you’re afraid to share your ideas, and then your supervisors believe you aren’t pro-active enough.

It seems like a fear of expressing yourself, and fear of asking for clarification (lack of assertiveness), which then results in misunderstandings and you under-performing. Would that describe what’s going on?