Dear Cherrymom, I could have written your post myself. I’m in the exact same situation. It is so hard to be in a situation where you do not know where you stand with someone from day to day. This is especially true where children are involved and you are living under the same roof. As I am sure it is with you, the situation is complicated. If it was all bad, it would be easy (well, not exactly easy but you know…) to walk away. However, I know he cares about me and we have had lots of good times together and still do. Yet, there is definitely an emotional distance between us. Like you, I am focusing on acceptance, gratitude, and finding the peace and love I seek within myself. I want very much for my son to grow up with his dad around so I am not prepared to be the one that walks away from this at least for now. I am working on accepting and being grateful for the friendship we have and living my life on my terms to the fullest extent possible. I am not staying with him out of fear of being alone. I do not mind being alone for the most part and I know I could find someone else if I wanted to… but I don’t. I may change my mind eventually but for now I am just taking it day by day and living in the moment. Just know that you are not alone Cherrymom. What your man is doing is not about you, it is about him. Whatever demons he may be tormented by … only he can slay them. You are powerless over them. Self improvement is an inside job. Good luck and thank you so much for your post. It has helped me to know I am not alone too.

Dealing with parents is tough. We owe them a certain level of respect and gratitude for bringing us into this world. I struggle with communicating with my mother also. She always judges me by my past mistakes and always brings them up or assume I will act in a way to repeat history. Instead of being supportive that I make my own choices and that I am a different person now, one who has learned from my mistakes. I know she just does this because she cares about me and wants the best for me. I cant ask her to stop being herself, and I cant stop being myself either. So where do we go from there? I read an article on here though that made me think differently about how I deal with my mother.

Setting Emotional Boundaries: Stop Taking on Other People’s Feelings

Im sorry you have given up on love, I suspect you have been hurt enough times that you dont dare risk these feelings again. However, the crappy thing about love is, to have it you must risk. If you are meeting and dating manipulators and cheaters, you may need to take a look at why are you attracted to men who do this to you. Its very easy to sit home alone and think “whoa is me” it a lot harder to sit and look into the mirror see deep into it and say although I have been in some unfortunate circumstances, what role have my choices played in getting me to where I am at?

People absolutely manipulate to get what they want, I do it, and you probably do also. Cheating is a tough one, there are narcissists who will probably cheat any chance they get without concern or conscience. We need to be able to recognize these people early and steer clear. Healthy boundaries helps, as often these people will try to bull doze through them early on. If you have them, they try to run over them, thats a red flag to pay attention to. Then there are people like me. I’ll be honest I emotionally cheated on my ex. I had a illicit online conversation with a former fling. It not only destroyed my relationship. My choice destroyed myself and demolishing who I thought I was as a person. So please dont be so harsh to judge, we all are capable of inconsiderate acts, it doesnt make us bad people. Going to counseling I learned, cheating, isnt a reflection on just one side. Its simply the tip of an iceberg of relationship and personal problems. Its just where all the issues break through to the surface and become visible. The cheating is the what, everything below the water is the why…… It by no means is an excuse at all, nor even a justification. However, to be in a relationship one must posses a decent ability to be open and understanding, a willingness to feel empathy for someone elses crappy decisions. Its not always a reflection of you, but them and their issues, and of the issues and the dynamic yall share together. Like it was for me.

You certainly have someone to talk to, you have me, and everyone else who contributes onto these forums. We are your support, we are your cheer section, we are people who will tell you whats up and when its you or its them. So dont be a stranger. However we are no replacement for the connection you want to feel from someone else you can be truly open and vulnerable to. I want the same in my life. However my lack of being able to find it thus far wont scare me from continuing to try and putting myself out there the way I need to. You never know how many “Mr Rights” you’ve passed up because you let fear take the wheel. You have to accept your responsibility in participating in getting what it is you want for your life. Not expecting some guy to rush in an make you feel like its ok, to give him what he deserves. Every relationship will end, until one doesn’t. Try, try again my dear.

PTSD can be an enormous obstacle. My ex suffered from this, I wasnt sensitive and supportive as I should have been. Ultimately your own health is your own responsibility no one elses. Sounds like you are taking steps to address it, Huzzah!! Great 🙂

Life is about timing, opportunity and choices. As soon as all three line up, we’ll be good to go. I wish you the best of luck in your journey! Much peace and care.

EJ, I feel for you. The other posters have offered some nice words of wisdom. I feel a bit helpless in trying to offer you comfort because you’ve said you’ve tried everything already and you’re not looking for a pep talk….. I’m not going to tell you that you’re right, you’re ugly and worthless and you just have to live with that because I don’t believe it.

Have you considered a gratitude journal? Each day writing down one great thing about the day or your life. It might help you to bring focus to the positive you have in your life. You volunteer and you have friends – you’re out there living life. It takes a courageous, strong, generous person to do those things.

As far as physical appearance, yes, there are people who judge based on that and it’s unfortunate. I can tell you though that a lot of a person’s beauty comes from within, how she carries herself, if there’s a smile on her face. If she takes pride in her appearance by wearing flattering clothes, and so on. And I do believe that people are attracted to others for a variety of reasons – yes, even because she volunteers at an animal shelter. I had a relationship with someone you would not describe as conventionally handsome, or even close. But he made me laugh every day and I enjoyed his company.

You have nothing to prove to anybody except yourself. It’s tragic that your parents made you feel the way you did as a child, but to paraphrase one of my favorite quotes, how about trying to be the parent of your future rather than the offspring of your past? Every morning we have a new chance.

Look at those sweet animals you volunteer to help. A dog is happy all the time, no matter what he looks like or others think of him. I strive to be as happy as my dog.

I’m turning 35 next month and I am single. Most of my friends are married, with children or having babies on the way. I too long for a partner in life but I know I have to make my life the best it can be in case it doesn’t happen for me. Maybe it would help to practice a different kind of visualization: instead of visualizing a loving relationship by Christmas, for example, how about imagine being happy? Having a loving relationship with yourself?

Hugs to you.

Kumo,

Inner Typewriter gave you some wonderful suggestions. I’ll add one more: music is another gift I like to share with people dear to me. Perhaps there are some songs that you could put on a cd for her that would serve as a soundtrack to your friendship – songs you both like, songs that remind you of her, songs she might associate with your time together. There are also songs whose lyrics express gratitude & love.

No matter what you decide, your friend will likely cherish it. A kind gesture means so much. It’s really great you’re stepping out of your comfort zone to grow and share this with your friend.

Kelly

Hi Lauren,

I definitely know what you are going through. I was exactly the same way through high school and didn’t have my first relationship until my 3rd year of college. I was bitter at my friends that were in relationships and I just felt I was too awkward and not good enough for a relationship even though all I wanted was a relationship.

The biggest thing that helped me was to focus on myself. I realized that I didn’t like the person I was and if I didn’t like myself, why would anyone else like me. I had to really take the time to be in the present and be grateful for what I had. I was always looking towards the future and was wasting my life by being frustrated by not having the things I wanted. I had to find things in my life that excited me and find something I was passionate about. For me at that time it was music. It was an outlet for my creativity and as I learned how to play guitar it was also an emotional outlet. After a couple of months of practice I started building up my self confidence which filtered into other aspects of my life.

Beyond just having a creative outlet, another big thing that helped me move forward was learning how to be grateful. At first there was just a feeling of bitterness when someone told me to be grateful for what I had because there are so many people in worse situations. Then one day a friend mentioned to me, do you have someone or something that you truly love. If you do, you can use that to help you feel gratitude for all things. For example, I think about something I love, usually my two dogs. When I think about them, there is a feeling that I get within my body. I then take a moment to really feel that sensation and be grateful for that sensation. At that point I write a list of 10 things I’m grateful for. Sometimes I even list things that are currently bothering me. I then go through each item on my list and try to feel that same level of gratitude for that item just like I do with my dogs.

The first couple of days might be a little difficult to really feel gratitude for each item on the list but if you keep doing it everyday you will notice a shift in your attitude which will change your interactions with others that can lead to a happy and healthy relationship.

At this point I’m just rambling but hopefully something I said helps.

E.buddha – Thank you. Your words resonate on some level I need to be in better touch with. Filled with gratitude and feeling at the end of my rope. Thank you.

Thanks Mark and Justice.

Hi Ainka,

Sorry to hear about your emotional abuse.

Until you hit rock bottom and come to an acceptance that “enough is enough”, you wont be able to move on from your troubled past. Like Mark said, everyone has their own prescription for solving their issues. You need to decide if you are ready to let go of your past in the first place. Once you are ready for healing your wounds, the help will appear and show you the right path. But you gotta be ready and ask the universe for help.

Few thoughts that may help add clarity to your situation and you are more than welcome to trial some of the suggestions below to help you move forward.

– emotional abuse often stems from an underlying lack of self-love or appreciation. We are hard on ourselves and it flows on to others. The roots of this can often be found in the childhood. We feel we are not good enough for many reasons and so we let others manipulate us or abuse us emotionally.
– however, at the end of the day, our feelings and our life are our own property. No one can make us feel in a certain way or make us do things, which is against our wish (except for parents when we are young).
– in the spiritual world, we are 100 % responsible for everything that happens to us, which means, we also have a choice of letting go of hurts, resentment, anger, hatred etc. For many people, this is easier said than done as they are constantly blaming others for their pain without understanding the true essence of this life and the universal consciousness.

I have personally used the following tools to assist me in the process of self-loving (although I am still a work in progress like most ):

– self loving or nurturing involves accepting yourself the way you are; loving yourself unconditionally and forgiving yourself for all the pain you have created for yourself.
– Creating an exceptional life by louise hay and Cheryl Davidson is a good start – it has a lot of positive affirmations and good stuff to start us on the journey of self-love
– Meditation and Yoga
– Gratitude Journal and practicing “letting go of resentment” every day
– Writing down your feelings about what is working in life and what is not. Things which are not working are usually out of our control. Once you accept this, it will be easier to accept yourself
– Smile, Smile and more Smiles
– Doing only things that you are happy to do – first step to accepting yourself. Your mind / heart, thoughts and actions need to be aligned. For example – you offer to sort out other person’s mess but in your heart you are cursing the person – this creates a conflict at an Universal energy level. Like attracts like. So the more you are misaligned in your thoughts and actions, the more you attract of the same.
– Everyone is imperfect including myself – helped a lot in accepting myself
– My daily mantra: I accept myself the way I am, I forgive myself for all the intentional and unintentional pain I have caused myself and I love myself unconditionally.

Best wishes,

J

• This reply was modified 11 years, 2 months ago by @Jasmine-3.

Dear Julie527,
My heart aches for you. I especially feel the sharp pain of rejection by your only daughter.

I hope you have a sangha, a circle of those who will love and support you, a spiritual community who can hold you up while you are going through this.

If you don’t then go seek one, whether it is a church group or Buddhist center, a 12 step meeting, or even a group of one loving soul.

We all need help in this life from others. Regular meditation, exercise, and just plain prayer are all proven ways to get us through such challenging times, moment-by-moment, day-by-day. Before each day begins focus on how it can be better, even a little. At the end of the day you can focus on your gratitudes however little they may seem.

Writing/journaling can be useful in getting out of your head and putting down all your pain and stress.

I send you hope and love Julie.

Mark

Hi Lavender!
I saw your post about wanting to fix broken relationships with self & others. And I thought maybe I could share some insights that’s helped me in the past when I went through hardship in life. 🙂
1. No matter what happens in life, we gotta first learn to let go of the blame for ourselves, our life situations, and others. Forgiveness is the very first step to having a better relationship with self and others. We gotta first learn and understand that no matter what happened, we did the best we knew how at the moment and so did others. Everything happens for a reason, if you’d allow yourself to see the gift and the life lesson from the situation, and let it go with gratitude, then you’d be able to free yourself from the emotional burden you’d created for yourself.
2. Second is to stop judging yourself for whatever is going on in your mind and your life. You’re who you are today for a reason, and for a good reason 🙂 You’re a gift to this world. You had to go through a certain experiences in your past to learn certain things, or become the beautiful person that you are today. A lot of challenges in our lives are actually blessings in disguise. And it’s important for all of us to learn to be open to see the gift the Universe wants to bring to us. But we must first let go of the judgment about our life circumstances so we can open ourselves to new perspectives 🙂
3. Stop scarying yourself with your thoughts. A lot of thoughts in our mind are just ”assumption” about what we believe is true about the situation or others. But it’s not necessary true. We gotta let go of our scary thoughts and our assumptions about A LOT of things. What you’re thinking in your head isn’t always true! So stop scarying yourself with your fearful thoughts of ”what ifs” as this won’t help you to get anywhere. Instead, listen to your heart, feel your heart’s guidance. Our heart is the channel to Divine Love, whatever that comes from the place of love is peaceful, relaxing, and joyful. Our heart will guide us to the right place only if we’d just listen 🙂
4. Trust yourself 🙂 Trust that you have the ability to change your life circumstances. Trust that you are the creator of your own life, you’ve created everything in your life and so you have the power to create your life in the way you’d want it to be with your loving intention. Trust that you have the ability to change and be the ”you” you want to be! Trust your gut when your gut says no or when your gut says go forward! go toward the direction of your dream!! Just trust that inner loving voice withing you, we all have it 🙂 we just gotta allow ourselves to feel it and listen to it 🙂
5. Embrace yourself with kinds words and love everyday! You’re the only person who’s gonna be with you 24/7 through out the rest of your life, so it’s important that you be your best friend and your cheerleader 🙂 We always want to be surrounded by loving people, so we can start with ourselves! Every morning when you wake up, take a few minutes to look at yourself in the mirror and say words that you wish you’d heard from your parents, friends, loved ones, society, etc. Often time, we don’t really need to hear these from others, we need to hear this from ourselves the most 🙂
Sending you lots of love and light!

Hi Rachel

Thanks Lilbuddha and Matt for your posts. You guys are so amazing :))))))))))))). Matt, is lilbuddha your duplicate ?

Rachel, I have had very similar experiences as yourself and couple of years ago, I hit rock bottom in terms of, “Enough is enough”. This is when I started on a journey of Self-love and self-care. Basically, what lilbuddha said is correct. Judgement stems from an underlying lack of self-love or appreciation. We are hard on ourselves and it flows on to others. The roots of this can often be found in the childhood.

I used the following tools to assist me in the process of self-loving (although I am still a work in progress like most 🙂 ):
– Creating an exceptional life by louise hay and Cheryl Davidson is a good start – it has a lot of positive affirmations and good stuff to start us on the journey of self-love
– Meditation and Yoga
– Gratitude Journal and practicing “letting go of resentment” every day
– Writing down your feelings about what is working in life and what is not. Things which are not working are usually out of our control. Once you accept this, it will be easier to accept yourself
– Smile, Smile and more Smiles
– Doing only things that you are happy to do – first step to accepting yourself. Your mind / heart, thoughts and actions need to be aligned. For example – you offer to sort out other person’s mess but in your heart you are cursing the person – this creates a conflict at an Universal energy level. Like attracts like. So the more you are misaligned in your thoughts and actions, the more you attract of the same.
– Everyone is imperfect including myself – helped a lot in accepting myself
– My daily mantra: I accept myself the way I am, I forgive myself for all the intentional and unintentional pain I have caused myself and I love myself unconditionally.

Best wishes,

J

Hi Amy and Anyone,
One exercise that was taught to me was to look at myself in the mirror everyday and say “I love you” and just hold my own gaze for a minute or so doing that.

Another is a variation of the gratitude journal except having gratitudes about yourself. What do you like about yourself? What are you grateful for for being you?

The go-to meditation is the Loving Kindness Meditation where you start off with yourself (see YouTube or Google it).

Having any of those as a daily practice helps reprogram our neuro pathways http://www.self-esteem-experts.com/how-the-brain-works.html.

Now give yourselves a hug!

Mark