Thankyou for this brilliant post,

I was looking on the internet hoping for some similar advise. A few years ago, I went to medical school.
Slowly, I began to realise, through the general aura of the place and meeting people there the vast shadow
of medicine. It was after having dropped out that I finally read the statistics on abortion and that people
now call it an abortion holocaust. Generally the process was too much for me and I did lots of bad things
and I have lots of things which now cause me pangs of guilt.

But putting aside self-control issues, and thinking more about inner stuff, I feel mainly that now I have learned
how to experience empathy (I was born with dissociation disorder and didn’t used to know how to generate
much in the way of emotion)….I’m finding that I sort of miss my old self, even though my former self was very
unaware of the amount of suffering had by people in the world. I reflect each day on things like homelessness
and prostitution, and like the person above, has got into a habit of keeping up to date with my main concern,
abortion. Reading about that each day has upset me a lot, but I can’t seem to stop reading the news updates
and seem preoccupied with thoughts about the after-lives of beings who are doing these things.

I feel I understand Buddhism more since developing these deeper emotions, but also feel I must not be doing it
in a balanced way because, like the person above, I have begun to feel suicidal/ life is less worth living.

I don’t want to ignore the pain of people, but on the other hand, I would like to spend some of my time as I did
formerly, sort of trusting the universe and practising gratitude and so forth. But if I do that now, its come to the
extent I feel guilty for “cherishing” having a place to live and I start to get quite unhappy almost as if these various
things are happening to me.

Hi there…in response to your question,

“How do I let go of making a mistake and come to grips with the present so I can move forward.”

If the only think you can say all day every day is THANK YOU…. let it be that…

Gratitude comes a long way and when it comes down to our last days its relationships that matter most, not money…so focus on what you have daily esp your relsionships and watch all that doesnt matter disappear, ie your problems…

Good luck

Hi Csaba,

so sorry to hear about this. I think you are very brave to ask her out and I also think it’s very brave of your friend to say what she really feels. It’s really cool that you guys are still such good friends. I think Lindsay is right, you will have to accept what has happened. Accept your feelings, just let them be.

Maybe what will help you is gratitude. It’s very powerful and it is a way of accepting the moment as it is. Think of the things you can be grateful for and stop focusing on what you don’t have. For instance: you can be grateful that this lovely girl is part of your life, that you met her and that you are friends (because that is what actually is right now). To practice gratefulness you can write down some things every night (or there are also apps for your smartphone – gratitude journals). You can be grateful for small things, like tea or your toenails, but you can also be grateful for big things, like the love you get from your family or that you have the opportunity to learn things at college.

Getting over this will take time, you won’t forget easy and that is okay. Give yourself that time, be kind to yourself. Find something to focus on that is fulfilling for you (your studies, a hobby). Guard your thoughts, let them be positive.

I wish you lots of strength and love,
Karin

1. I like that I’m funny. Humor often gets me through difficult situations, and it is one of the ways I make friends.
2. I like my gratitude, and my “count your blessings” point of view.
3. I like that I can play piano for hours and live in the music for a while.
4. I like the way I can intuitively feel what others are feeling, and truly understand who they are and where they come from.
5. I like my dedication to the betterment of myself and my perception of the world around me.

Maison,

I’m sorry for the unmanifested dreams and visions, and the suffering you have from seeing the potential crumble. It can be painful to say to least, especially for artists. I am impressed by your passion. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The way I see art, it is not about us… its about creativity and energy colliding, connecting with a medium, and through that connection revealing some piece of magic, an aspect of nature. If your creativity is anything like mine, there are probably hundreds of inspirations that float through your vision. If we consider manifesting those visions as the source of our joy, then we miss out on the 99% that remain ephemeral. Said differently, if we attach to the manifested art as the source of our joy, then we only get a few breaths of happiness. If we can accept that the inspiration itself is a gift and a joy, then we can remain joyous no matter what.

The benefit of approaching our artistry in such a way is it makes us resilliant to becoming big-headed when we get praise (which chokes our connection to inspiration ) as well as the aggravation that can arise when our art is unappreciated. For instance, in your situation, you were given the gift of a vision of a movie, and because it did not manifest, you suffer. If you could accept the vision itself as the gift, the joy, and open to it with gratitude instead of ego and “they failed me” then you could be content that you did your part as well as you could have and move on. This frees your mind to jump into another creation without looking back.

This is what I do with my words to people online. I breathe in, digest the vision of their words, then breathe out from the heart my best artistry (capturing healing energy into words). Then I move on, find a new horizon, a new brother or sister in need and do it again. If I lamented every failed attempt, or celebrated each success, the actual flow of my energy would decrease. For me, the healing is the purpose, the actual words that come out are never exactly the same as the vision, words are too clunky…. but its not about me, its about my heart meeting up with each moment as clearly as it can. Similarly, I bet your heart sings in tune with the message behind your art, which is why you can flip between mediums so easily. However, in this case your medium was the group, and you flubbed it. You tried to paint a canvas that had its own agenda, its own texture, and the result is exactly what you put into it. This doesn’t mean that people can’t be trusted, it means that you chose partners that did not share your vision or passion. That’s not their fault, they were just being themselves.

Also, consider that arts beauty arises not within the art itself… the art is just a lump of stone, pigments on canvas and so on. Rather, the beauty is in the connection it forms with the audience, and the thoughts and emotions it brings forward in their body.

Namaste, friend, may you find love, light and limitless inspiration.

With warmth,
Matt

You set your own value. If you compare yourself to your peers, you set up a value system. If you choose to go by your mother’s words, that is also a value you set for yourself. Obviously, you aren’t very happy with the value system you have for yourself because deep down, you know you are worth more. Stop comparing yourself to others. Think of things to be grateful for often. Journal about your gratitudes if that helps or you can pray or meditate about it. Spend time with positive people. Positivity can be contagious! Make lists of things you like about you or things that you enjoy and make you laugh or smile. Set a goal and instead of worrying whether this goal is your purpose, let the goal change over time and let it change you. Adapt to whatever comes along. All of this takes time, but it’s all doable! 🙂

Personally, I find Patanjali’s yoga sutras and Mollyecue’s Buddha Doodles to be very positive and inspiring daily! However, this may not be what makes you smile and feel at peace, but I am sure there is something for you with exploration. Explore and enjoy, but don’t frustrate yourself with endless search because there’s always something to be happy about in the present. Even people living in the trash dumps of India can smile, so there is no reason you can’t.

Dear John (30’s),

Looking back at my life, I spent too much time worrying about what other people think of me. I spent too much time thinking about whether or not I might be hurting someone’s feelings or disappointing them. I spent too much time worrying that I might reject someone, that I might not being doing the right thing, or not doing what someone else wanted me to do. I spent too much time worrying about what makes other people happy. I spent too much worrying if someone was going to like me or not. I spent too much time worrying if other people felt comfortable at and ease. I spent too much time feeling the pain, guilt, and shame of the past.

I spent too little time doing things such as enjoying myself and my solitude. Doing things for me because they made me happy. I spent too little time taking risks and trying things out to see if they fit.

If I could go back in time, then I would just take each day as it comes, for better or for worse, not always been driving so hard and fast towards something. I would talk more openly about my feelings, issues, problems, joys, and pains. I wouldn’t have held anything back for fear of seeming weak or like a failure or needy. I would have taken a few more slow breaths and enjoy each moment as it came. Even the more difficult ones. I would be open to not only giving love, but also receiving love and expressing my desire to receive love and my gratitude for having received it. I would treat people as my equals. Not above me. Not below me, but just a fellow human beings. I would stop comparing my life to other people’s and evaluating myself against others.

If I could do it all over again, I would reach-out and connect with others. Make time for others and allow them to make time for me. I would share more of myself with others – letting them know what I think and how I feel regardless if those thoughts and feelings only apply to a particular moment and don’t define me entirely as a human being.

I would want to be generous and help people. I want to give my time and attention to really get to know someone about who they are, where they have been, and where they might be going.

I would be myself in all the light and shadow that is there.

Sincerely,

John (80’s)

Hi Jess, you have been through some true challenges and have shown remarkable resilience in the face of them. Believe me, I know too well how hard it can be when people don’t meet our expectations — it can be so disappointing and feel so huge. I wonder if you can focus your energy and emotions on thinking about the people who did visit and support you during this time, and see if you can perhaps consider that the friend you mentioned is not as generous and grounded as you are — and I am guessing not a very happy or positive influence in your life. I know it seems hurtful now, but these overwhelming situations really can create new moments of clarity and wisdom wherein we gain a whole new capacity to decide what (and who) we want in our lives — and can clear space in our lives for brand new opportunities, thoughts, and new people who are more genuine and caring. Try to envision that and move toward that image and emotion and you can bring it about.

When I have found myself in similar situations, I have found that it is best for me to simply release and let go of people who are unappreciative so that I can make room to spend time and energy on those people who are truly caring, and find new energy to let other people and events into my life. I have struggled in similar situations and have learned that it can be all too easy to get paralyzed and mired in negative thoughts and emotions that lead to a vicious cycle of resentment and depression, which only leads to further isolation. On the other hand, when I finally decided to just release the expectations I had of people in my life and simply be grateful every day for every person who cares about me and touched me in positive ways, I found myself attracting more positive people and events into my life. At that point I would usually look back at those people who had “let me down” and see that they were not what I thought they were, and that I was at peace to have finally wished them well and moved on. I’m much older than you, and it took me a lot of years to figure that out — and now I only wish I had not wasted the energy I did over the years on people who just weren’t in the same place as me.

I don’t know if any of that helps at all, but when I read your post I really felt compassion for you because I have experienced similar struggles in the past–so I wanted to do my best to share. Now, for just a few practical suggestions. Why not look for support groups in your area for people who may also be recovering from serious medical conditions? This may help a great deal during your recovery, and you may make some lasting friendships. Also, what about joining or starting a Meet-Up group based on a hobby or interest that you have? Maybe a book group or cooking group….a walking/exercise group or just a fun social group? I have joined a couple of groups and have met some fun people. You may also find some Meet-up groups in your area that practice mindful meditation — this TRULY does wonders for quieting negative thoughts and bringing calmness and clarity of spirit — and is also a nice way to meet people. Also, how about making a gratitude list each day — and perhaps making a point of sending a thank you note or performing a small kind gesture each day for someone? This is great for “hardwiring” your brain toward positive thoughts and is a huge and lasting mood lifter — not to mention that it strengthens social connections. You may also enjoy these books by Rick Hanson (1) Buddha’s Brain, and (2) Hardwiring Happiness (just out this week!). Also google his website — there are free videos that are great! Two other great books are Authentic Happiness and Flourish by Martin Seligman — he also has a GREAT website! Lastly, have you thought of seeing a therapist for a short time just to maybe help you work through this temporarily challenging time? This is just a thought, but it may be of help to you. That said, I can’t stress enough how helpful the books I mentioned are — I think they may give you new perspective and help you with some of the thoughts and feelings you are having.

These things aren’t easy, and sometimes it is a bit of a long journey, but there is so much goodness in life….and if you can reframe your thoughts now at such a young age, I can only imagine what great things you will discover in the course of your life. One last thing — anything you can read on the Tao is extremely powerful for learning to let go and access your flow…

Please know there is so much power within you, and that this can be just a bump in the road that sends you on a truly enlightening journey….every challenge is a gift and every crisis is an opportunity for new growth and possibilities. I wish you so much happiness. 🙂

Matt,

Thank you very much for taking the time to write a very real response, with the kind of love that has the power to redirect. I hear you. I have been working hard to avoid participating in “back biting” and learning to communicate more directly and effectively. In that, I got so caught up (in my mind) in not wanting to feel like a participant in gossip and in defending the people she gossips about, rather than being supportive of her suffering. I know she is unhappy with her work. I allowed my frustration with what is probably paralyzing fear on her part, to create even more disturbance for us both.

I am guilty of attaching too much feeling to her experiences and of judging her way of venting her pain. I cannot continue to use it as an excuse to avoid the real work, which is an inside job. I do meditate, but being honest, I admit I have been making excuses and creating more and more distance between my butt and the pillow. I’m glad I reached out, trusting the solution would be there and would be exactly what I needed. I will look into Metta and I’ll remind myself that the consequences of my own imbalances can easily be corrected with action. I am, after all, the only part of this problem I have the power to change.

Again, I want to express my gratitude for your heart felt response, it is what I needed to make the choice between being the elephant or the Buddha. I’m in gratitude that, today, I get to choose.

Warmly, Sam

Phillu,

I’m sorry for the suffering and health issues that you’ve been journeying alongside. It can be really disorienting when we begin to see how directly we create the world around us. Perhaps the problem isn’t in the thinking, but the emotion that motivates the thoughts. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Sometimes when we feel we can “control” or “manipulate” nature, our body moves to a place of pridefulness. Said differently, when we say and think ideas such as “look at what I can do” we actually close off the energy that brings our dreams to life. Perhaps when you “think positive” you are actually sliding into this kind of pride. Its normal and usual, and many people fall into this. One of my teachers called it “spiritual materialism” and from what I’ve seen it leads our creations to turn to dust… the energy of life gets choked by the ego, and we plant empty seeds. Said differently, momma doesn’t like it when we assume we’re the creator, because it dishonors all of the aspects that go into creating.

For instance, imagine a farmer who realizes he can plant seeds and harvest fruit. If he decides he is a god, and can simply make the world according to his image, then he plants in the fields that he desires, rather than where is fertile. Then, the harvest never actually happens. When he gets no fruit, he falls into hunger and is more likely to pay better attention to his farming. This helps him establish humility, which is how he learns to become a skillful farmer, looking for where momma is fertile, instead of lazy and entitled and expecting mother nature to grow his fruit wherever he plants it.

Perhaps the reason it works better while your thoughts feel negative is because you’re approaching nature from a place of humility. (Or perhaps even shame, as though you carry a broken aspect or curse). That humility helps you remain open, so you’re more in tune with your environment. It doesn’t really have anything to do with the thoughts themselves, rather its the emotion in the body that co-arises.

The solution to this kind of puzzle is not as tricky as it may seem. We honor our teachers and parents and ancestors for all their work and effort in setting the conditions we experience. We set down the notion of “creating” or “not creating” and “past” and “future”, and appreciate the blessings around us. We accept how ordinary we are, how each one of us has the potential of becoming a Buddha, and so whatever arises for us doesn’t make us unique, rather experiencing a set of conditions that carries the efforts of countless beings working together. Everything from the spiritual successes we’ve had, agriculture, language, science, even our flush toilets… we’re literally surrounded on all sides by the countless efforts of others.

Much like a seed needs sun and rain and earth in order to grow, our dreams require this appreciation to blossom. When we think “we’re the ones doing it”, we naturally grow clouds that prevent the nourishing light growth requires.

Consider taking up a metta practice. Metta is a warm feeling of friendship in our chest, and can help us stabilize our emotions and mind. Buddha taught that metta helps us develop concentration quickly, because we become free from cycles. If you’re interested, check out YouTube for some guided metta meditations… great stuff! If you did metta for even 30 minutes a day for a week, supplemented with some time (even 10 minutes of active gratitude) honoring nature and your ancestors, you may find reality to be quite a bit simpler. Namaste, brother, may you find peace and joy.

With warmth,
Matt

That’s wonderful to hear 🙂 Now, you can start learning how to help others who might be stuck in the same situation like you were ❗

Namaste Crissy! Its great to hear from you, and I’m so glad you’re blossoming. Hugs to you, sister.

With warmth,
Matt

I recently started a gratitude journal. I keep it by my bed, and every night I write down one thing I am grateful for. Sometimes it’s family or a great boss. Sometimes it’s just the pretty clouds on my drive home during rush hour. I think it helps. Now I notice more small things… like being grateful that my body is able to go for a run (even if it kicked my tush), a tree that I have walked by every day for 3 years but never really noticed until now, etc. Being grateful for the big things like loved ones is awesome for a less obvious reason… because it has helped me express my gratitude to them more. And you can tell that they really appreciate it. Just like me, they are bustling around all day and you see them light up when you tell them how much you appreciate something about them. But I also think being grateful for the tiny little things makes life more pleasant on a moment to moment basis.