John,

The cause of stress, anxiety and worry is always attachment, as described by the Buddha’s description of the four noble truths. In the case where we worry that our words are doing harm, we have a desire for our words to have an effect in the other. It might be more closeness, their growth, their validation that we are good people. Those are all hindrances.

Instead, we can breathe in and breathe out. We listen, do our best to speak truly, kindly and meaningfully, and then let the seeds go. When we worry, we are preoccupied by the infinite potential of how that moment of exchange may look from their side. This makes our next breath more of a gasp, as we try to draw in peace of mind from the other.

What we give up is the need to appear favorable to others. Sometimes what feels best to say is shocking or painful to those we say it to. If said from compassion, then it is truly our best effort, and how could we do better? Sometimes a shock will awaken the sleeper inside.

Remember that the Buddha taught different things to different people. The dharma is a universal vibration, but adaptive. A hungry man needs food, a thirsty man needs water, and egoic know-it-all needs a stick. Compassion is the willingness to give hugs or slaps depending on what our heart inspires us to do… even when the other may not enjoy what is done.

I have been slapped many times by teachers, and at the time I recoiled and cursed, called them names and demonized them in my mind. After the recoil, there was gratitude, because they did the right thing… and I was a little closer to freedom each time.

Obviously, we don’t just go around beating people up… our heartfelt expression is the anti-suffering to their suffering. We open to the moment, breathe it in and give it back on the outbreath. Then again. Then again. There is no need to get in the way. If our out breath contains self-grasping, we’ll know it because it is painful for us. So we do the same thing for ourselves… breathe in the pain, accept the self-grasping, and let it go. The self settles, the pain subsides, and the energy of the dharma flows again. With each time we let go, we get cleaner, more attuned to the eight fold path, and closer to the freedom for ourselves and everyone else.

With warmth,
Matt

Crissy,

I’m deeply moved by your response, and your gratitude was clear ringing as a bell. You’re welcome, and I am glad we connected! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

In terms of holistic health, it really depends on what speaks to you. Its said that selenite crystals resonate with an angelic healing energy, and when I used to feel isolated and down, I would hold one in each hand and did feel the emotion settle. Over time, as I began to meditate more frequently, they became unnecessary as Buddhist styles of meditation are very profoundly helpful in settling emotions. Depending on how thick the icky is, it might help you get started (like crutches for a sprained ankle.)

Another thing that might really help is if you become a reiki healer. With traumas like ours, there are sometimes lots of root, sacral and crown chakra issues that being able to self soothe with direct energy healing is beneficial. Or, you can lightly trace spirals with your finger tips (almost not touching the skin) around your legs, pelvis, navel and head. This can help areas we’ve put to sleep to protect ourselves. If you have a partner, and you have a stable intimacy, they could also do that for you. Reiki would personally be my first choice however, and the method would be taught during the class.

As for the self sabotaging, that means different things to different people. There are some great books out there on positive self talk. If you’re referring to the all or nothing perfection or worthless behavior, that’s a vacillation that will dismantle as the patterns of shame dismantle. Said differently, when we have a block in our crown, instead of feeling confident humility no matter what result we see, we vibrate between shame (when we feel we failed/dislike the results) and pride (when we feel we succeeded/like the results). The pride/shame knot inhibits the nourishment we get from our creation. I don’t want to dive too deep into all of that, its already a lot to take in! 🙂

Remember to be patient. You’re worth taking the time to heal, and step by step the clouds will part. The sun shines, the rain falls, the grass grows, the flowers bloom. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Elizabeth,

Thank you so much for sharing so openly here…that takes courage, and I hope you have taken a moment to recognize that you have that inside (even if it is hard to see it).

I agree with so much that Danubelle has shared above, especially in the acceptance of the impermanence of it.

Life is always changing, in every single moment, and the Universe is merciful enough to give us infinite new moments to make new choices and to experience new things if we are open to it.

The only antidote to the ego’s paralyzing voice is the voice of love. It is your intuition, and it is within you. Listen to her – she is the voice that reminds you that you are PERFECT. You are love. Your life is meaningful. Your actions are worthwhile.

Allow yourself to practice hearing this voice in as many new moments as you can.

I use the word “practice” as that is what it is – not a magic pill, not an overnight change, but a knowing that you are connected to and supported by Infinite love and that the more you allow your spirit to remember this, the easier it will become.

Another practice that really helps me is writing a daily gratitude list (I do mine nightly in my journal). You might just start with one thing, but again, with consistency and practice, this too will become easier where you will find gratitude for those things that might surprise you. I have even found myself writing gratitude for opportunities to grow – a fight with my boyfriend is an ideal example (because choosing to learn and grow gives that event meaning).

The more you practice, the more you’ll find that even on those days where you may have felt crappy, you can see the flickers of light in your day.

Please let me know if any questions, and I’ll be sending you so much love in the meantime.

~Sabrina
http://www.mymiboso.com/

That’s lovely that you are able to get through to people in your job, I bet so many of them are grateful to have spent some time with somebody who really cares 🙂 and you are right, you are most definitely above those who do not care about helping out a good cause. I also think that those who have more than a lot of people yet do not care tend to lack gratitude for all the things they do have. These types of people will never be truly happy because the happiness they experience is superficial and materialistic. However, the people who experience your kindness will gain so much more and this will stay with them. Whilst this will probably not make you feel better when dealing with the negative types, maybe it’s something to think about?

hello Amita,

You sound very much like me. The opinion of others around me defined who I was for a very long time. I started to become different people. When I was around my parents, I was “polite” and happy and wore “respectful” clothes. I also would wear something that would make me look thinner because they were always on my back about my weight. I was then different people around different groups of friends, and even was a different person around my boyfriend. I was never satisfied because everytime I met someone, I would take what they had and tried to “fit in” and be like them when I knew I would see them again. I guess we all fall into this trap, because it’s basically impossible to not have some sort of attachment to approval energies because we want to be liked. That being said, it shouldn’t define your life. I am only 19 and the past 6 months I have gone through (what I call) an amazing journey of anxiety disorder. I still get moments of it, but it’s not as bad as what it was. I can still remember the day it started, and looking back now, nothing had actually “changed” as such, apart from my mental state, but boy was it a challenge. And that’s why I call it an amazing journey because it showed me who I am and was a path and journey my destiny was wanting me to face to come out the other side with a new perspective of myself.

the biggest thing i’ve probably learnt from it all (which i’ve only discovered in the last month) is that your inner bully is responsible for a lot of my suffering, comparing, depressed states, upset, angry etc. Because when I look at it now, the only thing making me do these things is because my inner bully has told me “i’m not good enough” “that girl is prettier than you, you should feel sad” “your life isn’t going great, time to look at it negatively” and when i realised that my life isn’t bad, I love my life, I may not be the prettiest or skinniest but that didn’t define someone and any other negative stuff that came from my inner bully, I was just so angry at it! this person had been dictating my life and trying to make me see things the way I didn’t want to see them, or in that matter, were not true! A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder because i was so subjective to all this negativity, even when i used to try and impress people, the only person telling me that was my inner bully. they were basically saying “you need to impress and change for these people, otherwise they will think differently of you” GOOD GOD!

So on your path and journey, just take in your inner chit chat and ask yourself, is this true? or is this my inner bully pushing me around? i like to think of my inner bully as an alien who doesn’t understand planet earth, or me, or my life and just spits out random rubbish because it doesn’t understand.

another thing is to try to not to “look” and “seek” for something too hard. When your trying to do something, you may be dissapointed every time you don’t find it. I did this for ages. I was just going in circles. But do things, and then reflect on them. How did you act? if i was another person, would I want to meet me?,

another concept is to write down your values. And see if you are living buy them. These can be sentences, or just words. Some of mine were: see strength, feel compassion, inspire gratitude and share love. When you do these, you will definitely feel like your own person, because no one has the same values. They might be the same concepts, but people feel them differently.

The biggest thing is to not compare yourself. What do you have, or what do you do or what can you bring to the world? and life is a journey, what ‘good’ are you going to leave behind when your life comes to an end? are you going to care and help people? are you going to make a person smile each day? are you going to meditate? are you going to put your rubbish in the bin?

Most of all, just be kind to yourself. There is no set destination for finding yourself, because as we get older, we learn more and more. Just start off small. Only time will tell. You are the only version of you, and no one else can do what you can bring to life.

Hope this helps
xxx

I’ve never been in this situation and though I am married I haven’t been married for as long as you have, so please understand I am a novice and that when I give you advice it is from my own modest resources.

I’ve read what you’ve written a few times and what I can see is that while he has committed misdeeds in the past, he has basically been good to you. He has been faithful to you, he provides for your materially and he is good to your children.

With that in mind I have to ask, has he really lied to you? He made vows to you which he has kept. He presented himself as a ‘good’ human being who would treat you well and he has done so. In that way he hasn’t cheated you or represented himself dishonestly.

It isn’t clear from what you have written, but did you sit down and have a conversation where you said ‘Have you ever had an affair’ or ‘How many people have you slept with’ and then he gave you a dishonest representation of the facts? If that is the case, then yes he has lied and I can see why you are angry. In that case he has shaken your trust and that is hard to get back.

If not, if you didn’t ask him specifics before your marriage then really he hasn’t lied to you at all. I acknowledge that he hasn’t been straight forward either and it would have been better and wiser for him to clue you in on his past.

It seems at the route of this situation is that you are uncomfortable with the nature his past actions rather then with the issue of deceit? Am I correct to assume that?

So lets say that we hypothetically rewind the clock back. He offers marriage but reveals everything he has done in the past. You are horrified and you say no and you go your separate ways.

Would the future have been any better? You may have found someone else, but there is no way to be certain of that. Maybe you would have found someone, but as most of us have baggage it is likely they would have come with their own set of problems. You wouldn’t have the lovely children you have now. Perhaps his future wouldn’t be bright either. Perhaps he would be with someone who didn’t support him and would fall back into his negative ways?

I would try to focus, mentally, on the fact that your husband appears to be repentant for the past. The fact he has changed his ways suggests strongly that he is striving to be a better man and I think that is admirable. I would focus on feelings of gratitude for the things he has provided you with both material and emotional.

If you can, talk to him, but do it calmly and without anger or bitterness so you don’t drive him away. Talk to him about how he feels about what he has done.

I truly hope you can save your marriage and your inner peace.

I was mildly depressed without realising it in a previous, rather controlling relationship (we were engaged to be married), partly from him and also lots unresolved emotional teenage issues that I just ignored. He didn’t understand mental health at all, and as a result was unsupportive to the point I was too scared to express my thoughts for fear of rejection – I was about to turn 30, had been seriously ill and didn’t think anyone else would ever want me.. Which 2 years on I realise is UTTER CRAP and if he really did love me, he would of stuck by me and helped rather than leaving me to go to the depths of despair that pretty much had me thinking suicide was a far better idea than living – this is never a real option! Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem – and one you will overcome!

Fortunately after a dabble in severe depression and anxiety caused by a number of major life events I’ve met someone wonderful, who ‘gets me’ and loves me for who I am. ~I never thought it would be possible to heal my heart nor mind at times but one thing I did learn was that you have to learn to love yourself before you can be truly loved. He challenges me on my views and supports me fully and even after spending an evening holding my hand in a&e on Sunday night whilst I was being very cranky and in pain, made me realise he is the one for me.

Your quote ‘i feel like a horrible person’ makes me sad. You really are not – you just are thinking the wrong way and focusing on all the negatives in your life, which overshadow all the wonderful things. Is everything you do horrible? Are you horrible because your brushed your teeth this morning? Are you horrible that you have realised you need support? No no and no! You are strong – you wouldn’t be here otherwise!

Also parents are funny beings. How mine ever got together and had my brother and me has left me often wondering HOW??!! They had a vile relationship, which undoubtedly has affected me (and my brother) – same goes for my boyfriend – his parents too had a horrible relationship but you know what – you are not them! It is physically impossible to be them or even know what’s in their heads. Your life is for living as you want – not how they see fit or have done. Use them as an example to learn from not be affected by. You can’t change the past so don’t try to change things you can’t. Just be the best you can and support them as best as you can.

I did 6 weeks of REBT therapy earlier this year, which was brilliant and completely changed my way of thinking and my life. It wasn’t easy at times, often resulting in tears and anger but the therapy taught me to enjoy life again, engage with it and appreciate what I have – not what I don’t have. A great tool was from ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ book of writing down all the positive things that happened in your day and never the negative stuff! I also have a pink fairy book of gratitude that I write down positive comments in and thoughts, its handy when you have low days. Which I still do but they are fortunately in the minority and no longer the majority.

Good luck and don’t ever feel alone. embrace life, open your heart and love – don’t be afraid!