Hi Me, Myself and I,

I think Mark above has a point there.

You have been journaling and looking up solutions on your own….and you have ‘done it for years’. So it helps your peace of mind to do these things, but it’s not solving the root causes and issues for you. If you have done this for years and still have the same issues, then it’s not working that well.

I agree that you need outside help from a quality psychotherapist, as Anita suggested. Perhaps you could give it a try? After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained?

with best wishes,

Jay.

lindsey,

I can understand replaying and regretting what has happened.  There is a therapy I read about that can supplement seeing an in person therapsit that deals with trauma (among other things).  There is traditional journaling which there are articles that guide you.  There is also another approach where you re-write your life.  It is journaling in a way but you write your own story.  It helps you take control of your life again.

I’m looking at TRE, Trauma Release Exercises for myself.  It’s appealing for I won’t need a counselor/therapist beyond that I need to learn it in order to practice it for myself.  It also is taught by other practitioners like yoga instructors.

There are a myriad of other modalities that help PTSD like EMDR, EFT, and others.

Right now, try journaling as the first step.  Look up ways on how best approach that.

Mark

Hey Daniel,

I find that I personally have two different situations to deal with when it comes to my anxiety. The first is over thinking or catastrophizing, which happens when I am alone and lost in my thoughts. Now that I am able to recognise when I am doing this, I have been able to find a few methods that help to calm me down. Normal meditation doesnt work for me in this situation because I cant focus. However, yoga is amazing. Mixing body movements with controlled breathing really helps me calm down. Also doing something with my hands like drawing (just doodling, not thinking about what im drawing), colouring or journaling works well too. Using my brain for something purely logical such as crossword or number puzzles also helps to ground me.

The other situation is when I am in the midst of a social interaction and I lose my words. This one I am still working on. The only thing I have found so far that helps a bit is identifying an “escape plan” before attending a social event (Of course this doesnt apply if it is just a casual conversation where my anxiety kicks in). My escape plan usually involves getting to the event on my own, so not carpooling, and maybe even coming with a prepared excuse for me to leave early incase I need to use it.

It really depends on how you experience your anxiety, but learning to identify when you are in the middle of anxious thoughts as opposed to “normal” thoughts is a good first step.

Hope this helps,

Jamie

Dear Ana:

You wrote: “I’ve read so much about self growth, done journaling.. but nothing really gets to the root of the problem”-

-This is what I see as the root of your problem at this point: you are re-experiencing what you experienced as a child; having been rejected, disapproved of, unloved by a parent. You keep re-living it, re-living the hurt, the sadness, the anger and the fear, waiting for the final blow, the expected complete and final rejection, being left all alone.

You keep re-living this experience in the context of relationships, not in the context of working. At work your “self confidence is up and life is good”. It is the context of a romantic relationship where your experience as a child in the relationship with a parent gets activated, seeks your attention, craving your attention, wanting to be resolved.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Nichole:

Your aunt’s company is harmful to you. I wish it wasn’t so, you wish it wasn’t so, but it is.

“But when I am down she sometimes helps to bring it up?”- when we are low enough down, when we are very desperate, anyone can bring us up, anyone will do. It is similar to this: when a person is starving, she will eat anything at all, even food that causes her to  feel sick later. For the moment, any food will  do.

The fear, the ongoing fear, it is better if you are able to manage it without prescribed drugs aka medication but if overwhelmed, got to do what you have to do.

These are ways to manage that anxiety, to lower it, regulate it: aerobic exercise, such as a fast walk every day for at least 20 minutes, maybe twice a day when and as needed, other aerobic exercise such as swimming, other exercise (all exercise mindfully, so not to overdo it), hot baths, hot tubs, saunas, hot herbal tea, music, some movies, light socializing with strangers/ people you don’t dislike, support groups you attend in person, taking notes about your feelings/ journaling, mindful yoga or tai chi (slow motion martial art form), reading. This is all that comes to my mind at the moment.

anita

Hi Sofi,

I know exactly how you’re feeling, I’ve been there. I was with my ex for 7 years, and the break up was excruciating. It felt like my heart was ripped out from my chest, and I was in a dark hole that I could never get out of. Some days it was difficult for me to get out of bed or leave the house. I was so consumed by thoughts of the past relationship and my ex, that I wonder now how I even got through the day.

I can tell you that I survived that dark period of my life, and so will you.

What was key for me was that I realized that I had identified and had a strong attachment to my ex and the idea of being in a relationship. When the break up occurred I did not recognize who I was. Negative core beliefs and deep seated fears arose rooted in not being good enough, not being lovable.

When I got to the root of my pain and fears, I took steps to reprogram my core beliefs, my sense of self. It was a journey within to get to know who I really am. I used mindfulness, self-compassion, and gratitude journaling. And these practices helped me to discover that my thoughts (the destructive ones) are not true, and that I am (and so are you and all of us) a beautiful, powerful, awesome, limitless, loving being. I am so grateful for that experience because I know who I am now, and nothing – not a break up or any life challenges – can diminish that.

It’s time to focus on yourself. A prescription of self-care and mindfulness (and a lot of it) is recommended.

Good luck.

Marina

Hey Kkasxo – did you make it through without contacting him – sounds like you were having a rough spot after doing so well with it all. Hope so, it was wonderful hearing a glimmer of your old confident re-self appearing. Honestly, I don’t think it is particularly sweet or nice of your ex with the flowers & texts, especially whilst you’ve asked for space – it’s really ignoring what you’ve said you need right now and looking to get what he needs, it seems. Trying to get you back into your old pattern of spending your limited supply of emotional energy on making him feel better, instead of investing it in yourself to heal first. That’s how it feels to me from here anyway. So I really really hope the journaling worked – absolutely no need to torture yourself with self doubts. Hang in there…

Aaaaaand I spoke too soon again.. absolute moment fast approaching right now. Back to journaling and telling myself aloud that I DO NOT NEED TO TORTURE MYSELF LIKE THIS!

My mind can’t help but wander back to all of the events and I feel sick to my stomach at it all.

I need to stop thinking.

Shelby,

Exactly that. Nothing at present is going to change so there is no use in putting the very little amount of energy I have left into trying to change it. Whilst thinking and reflecting back on my life and the relationships and friendships I have had with people it has become apparent to me that I am indeed an empath and the happiness and comfort of others come way before my own. Because even now when I have been burned to the ground and barely have any energy to hold my own self together, I am way too keen to reach out and help him because ‘he needs me right now!!’. I appreciate this is in my nature, and it is extremely difficult fighting off this personality trait but I simply cannot continue this way – not right now. I need to save whatever I have left in me to save myself. 

Of course, do anything and everything that makes you feel even just a tad better! Remember we spoke about this many weeks ago, incorporating any tiny details that make our days even the slightest bit better. Looking after yourself will always boost your self esteem a little. Whether you are feeling happy with your life right now or not it is almost a given that feeling good about yourself, whether that be by eating healthy, exercising, getting your hair done, buying a new outfit or whatever it may be, you will feel much better than if you were sat in bed un-showered with scruffy hair and stained pj’s!

Yes – meh is the right word here. I have not had a lower moment today, YET, I am sure it’ll surface at some point but I am enjoying the meh right now. Work has been a good distraction today, I wouldn’t say I am focused but like you just doing, just getting on with things and not paying too much attention or giving too much thought to anything. I’ll be done with my work day soon, the plan is to go home, have a bath, keep journaling and then go for my nose consultation! Hopefully the hours in between finishing work and going to the consultation will pass quickly.

What have you got planned for the rest of the day?

Shelby,

It may well be linked to your hormones but the fact that you are approaching it the way that you are is incredible. One step at a time, dealing with the moment rather than dwelling on what is to come next. That is major progress.

Yes exactly. He has already expressed his remorse etc and at the moment it has not changed anything for me. In fact, I don’t buy it. As sad as it sounds I just do not buy it right now. I understand human beings are complicated creatures who mistakes at the best of times, but conscious choices that you do not seem to learn from are not those. They are perhaps a part of the persons personality, intentions or whatever else. I am not interested in hearing the reasoning behind things right now. I am angry, hurt and feel absolutely betrayed. That isn’t shifting right now so as much as I would love nothing more than to reach out to him, there is no use in that.

I am yet again in one of my lower moments, journaling every moment I can to refrain from contact. It is beyond my understanding why I would even want to contact him right now. Silly if you ask me.

I bought an inspirational 2019 diary a few weeks back that I forgot about and came across yesterday. It is crazy because in the first week of January (and I had written this at some point in October maybe) I put my motivational quote for the week as ‘Every end is a new beginning’.. well ain’t that the truth!

This week it is ‘People change, that’s a fact of life. Sometimes we have to accept that the person we once loved no longer exists though their heart beats on and their lungs draw breath’. Just a little reminder to myself. I am also trying to remind myself that his actions do not reflect on me but completely on him. It is not my fault.

Did you manage to find a new hair dresser in the end? I remember you saying you needed to change as your previous was in your ex’s area. I will be going to get my nails done today and then my friend will be coming to stay the night with me. We will probably get a workout in and have a few drinks as we do. I have also scheduled myself in for a consultation tomorrow for non-surgical nose reshaping. Something I’ve been wanting to do for as long as I can remember but always put off. I thought why not! Maybe it’ll boost my confidence a little bit? I am trying to put as much effort into my self at the moment, exercising, eating healthy, booking in facials etc, actually going to schedule an appointment for the doctors to deal with my extreme breakouts of acne now! Gotta start somewhere.

I guess I am just trying to keep busy, distracted, and to do as much for myself as I possibly can!

Shelby,

Psychology is indeed quite fascinating. I actually even studied it for two years back in my college days and it is mind blowing what our brains are capable of. You are more than capable of coming off of the anti anxiety medication and even maybe lessening your therapy sessions a little. Take as much time as you need. You’re doing extremely well and you WILL get through this. I just know it.

As it is still the beginning of my therapy journey, I feel I am only settling in. Although the environment is 100% comfortable and I do feel it is one of the very few places I am happy to discuss my trauma, I do somewhat still withhold because maybe I feel ashamed or embarrassed? Those are hard feelings to move past from.

I understand you may be missing your ex. That is completely normal and natural. But the way you miss your ex now and the way you missed your ex only a few weeks ago, I can see a complete difference. Back then it was the end of your world, how could you possibly go on, you’re unhappy. Now it’s a simple acknowledgement of my heart feels a little heavy right now, I miss him, but I am nor here or there. I will accept these feelings and tomorrow is a new day. The intensity of it has shifted.

I had two minor breakdowns today. One right after work when I got home and found myself with nothing to do and I wanted to reach out to him so bad. But not even to start a line of communication, rather it was to ask why? Why did you do all of this? How could you hurt me this way? And to dig him out for no longer being the man that I loved and trusted with my life. Everything I have already said to him and there is absolutely no need for saying it all again. Even more so, there is no need for opening up a line of emotional conversation with him when I know full well that I can’t handle his apologies, pleading and crying right now. So I settled for journaling instead, had a bath, went to do a food shop, worked out etc. And again had another one of those moments 30 or so minutes ago, again when I am no longer busy and have settled for the evening, this time everything is replaying in my head, I feel angry, betrayed, hurt, worthless. I want to text him. I want him to know that I am feeling all those things. But I rationally explained to myself that right now, me reaching out isn’t going to change anything, especially not how I am feeling in this present moment, so again I settled for journaling. Well bloody done to me!!

Now that you mention it, I have often wondered about PTSD and all of the persistent symptoms etc apply. But as I have never seen a doctor or anyone around this I haven’t been diagnosed. I don’t want to go and speak to my doctor about my struggles, probably one of the reasons I haven’t reached out for help via anti depressants.  But perhaps if my therapy sessions aren’t helping in the long run then it will be something that I will have to explore in order to move forward in my life, because I do want to move forward more than anything. I just want to be far away from where I am right now in terms of emotional/mental state.

I can’t quite see the progress I have made but it is reassuring to hear that you can. I hope to continue making progress and come out of this the other end just like Melanie. There were a few hiccups along the way and undoubtably there will be more hiccups which I will have to get through but I will get there. I have one life. I most definitely don’t want to live it this way for the rest of my days.

You’re welcome, Lara.

I don’t think it’s too important to nail down the perfect term; if it sounds similar to coprolalia, you can then research solutions and see if they help.

Since you’re not into online journaling or keeping a journal for privacy reasons, I’d suggest typing in Word, reflecting on what you wrote and then immediately deleting it. Or if you prefer paper, write and then rip it up or burn it. You can even go without journaling altogether and spend 5 to 10 minutes in the morning and evening to reflect on your progress. But you don’t have to do anything that doesn’t feel good to you.

About the event you described, bravo for fearlessly making 2 announcements! Being a leader means you have to make decisions that won’t always please everyone (e.g. being rather firm about leaving). Living your life trying to appease others is a prison. Did you have have good intentions? Did you do your best? That’s all that matters.

Like I’ve said before, it sounds like you’ve come a long way, Lara—just keep going. Own your decisions and tell your inner critic that you can take care of the situation. You don’t need others to validate your existence.

Please don’t feel obligated to reply unless you have other questions. Just do your thing!

Much love.