Dear noname:

You wrote six days ago that you were thinking of “journaling daily at  least a few short sentences about evidence of my worth”, and yesterday, first paragraph: “the  belief that I’m worthless is not supported with evidence”. Notice how you know, and you don’t know that evidence is not the issue.

For a child, the evidence of his worth is what he sees in his parents’ faces. Our eyes then and now are located in such a way that we  don’t see our own faces unless we look at a mirror. The child’s mirror is his  parent’s face. Problem is most children are looking  at very distorted  mirrors.

I like your “compassion instead of consumption” principle, it even sounds right to say it out loud. I can see it as a title of a chapter  in a book you might put together one day. You wrote: “to feel  important to others & the planet”. I used  to believe that it  will take the whole world acknowledging my  worth so that I could  feel worthy. What  I learned is  that it only takes ONE PERSON to see my  worth, and  for me to  see my reflection in that  one  face. Problem is, a child does not question the face of his parent. If that face shows the child is worthy, the  child will automatically and unquestionably believe it. But when a  child sees unworthiness in the face  of his parent for years, as an adult coming across faces who  do show his worth, the adult child has the image of the parent’s face transposed over those faces, the same old, same old distorted mirror.

It takes seeing, really seeing that one face of one person who believes you are worthy.

Regarding non-duality and connectedness, it makes sense to me in context of one’s self worth this way: noname’s worth is not about what he does, disconnected from the world, proving to the world, showing to the world, convincing the world that he  is  worthy. His worth is something he was born with and will  die with. It is natural, a reality, something real and  undeniable. It was never a question except in the minds  of those disconnected.

anita

Dear noname:

You didn’t understand a couple of things regarding my recent post to you, so please pay attention, because this may be important:

1. Regarding the  positive affirmations, particularly about your self  worth, it is not about “journaling daily at least a few short sentences about evidence of my worth”. The affirmations have nothing to do with evidence, it is simply stating that you are worthy with conviction and with calming music. It is about the repetition of those statements vocally, you hear them and repeat, with conviction, that is, with emotion. And doing so when relaxed, following and during slow breathing/ calming  music.

See, when the belief that you were unworthy took hold in you, it was not following evidence, same with this exercise, it is not about evidence.

2. Regarding my suggestion of Moderation, I didn’t mean this that you should take advantage of the Up times and accomplish as much as possible (“I’ve been aware if this for a couple years now and try my best to use any burst of good feelings to get things done for those few days”). No. I meant to talk yourself out of those bursts, to lower your energy levels during those ups. Because if you don’t, there is a price to pay for each of those ups. Keep yourself moderated and there will be no significant ups and no significant lows.

anita

This thread is very helpful! I have just gotten into the Bullet Journaling craze and was looking up “Things I like about myself” on Google and came across TinyBuddha.com and am so glad I did! Here are my five top things I like about myself:

1.  My womanhood
2. My optimism
3. My mind
4. My pickiness
5. My introversion

Dear Tanya:

From personal experience, when you witness as a child your mother being hurt by your father cheating on her, this is as if you were cheated on yourself. A young girl is so close to her mother, there is hardly a mental separation in the girls’ brain between her and her mother, that her hurt is your hurt. I believe that even without having a boyfriend later in life who cheated  on you, you carried your childhood experience of being  cheated on by proxy, with you into your adulthood.

The journaling method works for you, excellent, so is going to the  gym. Problem is the suspicion will return soon enough, the distrust will raise its head with a  decent, trustworthy man! Sooner or later, it will be back with the first “sign” of something going wrong. You are doing  well… until he is late calling you back and the thought occurs to you: why is he late, what is he doing…?

It takes healing best  you can, not only from being cheated   on by your ex  boyfriend, but being  cheated on, by proxy,  by your own father. It also takes  the ability and patience it  takes  to evaluate a man over time, is he  trustworthy or not? And then it takes talking sense  to yourself again and again… and yet again whenever suspicion occurs.

It also takes accepting certain realities, that even trustworthy men feel attracted to other  women  at times while in a committed relationship, and the attraction in itself is  not cheating.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Hugo:

Yes, I am still journaling this very morning, I call it Notes and I do type. It is way easier to type and my handwriting is hard to decipher, so yes, digital format, I am all for it. If you want to use this very thread (or start another) to journal, please do.

anita

Shelby,

Thank you. I hope I find direction too as it is very much needed right now but I am just letting my heart and mind lead me in the direction I need to go this time. Like I say, I do think too much has happened at this point for me to want to go back but who knows, time will tell.

You have indeed gone through a lot the last few days! But I feel like you needed that in order to move forward and heal as best as you can and I wish you a speedy road to recovery from this awful period of your life.

In the mean time, keep journaling! We are here for one another and I am grateful for that!

Shelby,

What helped me during the initial period is doing exactly what my ex did. He threw himself into work, working long hours, spending time with family and friends, going out, booking weekends away etc and yes, faking it until he made it (or not made it in his case as he has popped up YET AGAIN!!!!!!). Mind you, doing all those things didn’t make me feel any better but they did help to make the days go by. And I think that’s all that it comes down to.

Somewhere at the end of that 5/6 week period where he was faking it and eventually so was I when he popped up I was genuinely shocked. I was still hurt but somewhere I’ve almost accepted things as they were and was quite adamant on moving forward? Of course the heart completely took over in the moment and we started speaking again etc etc.

I’m not a very good example at all as the back and forth still continues with me as silly as it sounds but the point is, keeping busy and distracted is your main focus and will be your main focus for the oncoming weeks/months.

Eventually, you’ll partake in a lot more outings etc because you’ll find that you’ve got nothing better to do. You may still not enjoy them as previously but you’ll find yourself doing them anyway.

Also, journaling! I found that helped a lot. It was an outlet for me and also a way in which no one got hurt. All of the anger, upset, hurt etc had I not journaled it in my own space I would’ve 100% sent to him and made the situation so much worse. Whereas getting things out of me on paper felt like I’m no longer holding them in so it was a win win for me.

Morning Shelby,

How are you feeling now?

I must admit, at the beginning of the post break up phase I suffered badly with insomnia for about a month. Perhaps this is normal?

I’m not quite sure what to say to make you feel remotely better :(. But keep writing, keep journaling, let these emotions out!

Are you meeting with your friend today? That should be a nice distraction for you!

Shelby,

I know sometimes it can be painful to hear your friends/family approach such a delicate situation in this manner. I got a similar conversation from my mum not too long ago, you know the I understand you’ve had a rough few months but it’s time to start getting your life back together now! On one hand, I think they’re right. On the other, it is IMPOSSIBLE to live my life any differently right now. Okay I could engage in all the social activities in the world, only to feel uncomfortable and end up going home to feel worse about myself. I could start distracting myself with other activities to keep myself busy 24/7 but that’s all that it is, a distraction.

No matter what I do right now I will always come back home to feel exactly what I am feeling. Unfortunately, I have no control over that.

I think the fact that we are as we say ‘surviving’ on a daily basis, actually slowly starting to engage in other activities and journaling our thoughts/feelings is as much as we can do for right now.

The key here thing is time. With time will come further progress and maybe one morning we’ll wake up and they won’t be the first thing that comes to mind!

I really do think that everyone deals with grief and loss of a loved one differently. It is a personal experience. Whilst people like myself seem to sulk in the process others would appreciate any distraction they can get to prevent them from thinking (like my ex). But look where that’s taken him?! Nowhere. Because the thoughts caught up with him in the end.

I think we’re doing just fine Shelby. We may not see it now but we are making progress!

Hi Shelby,

Try not to be so hard on yourself regarding progress or how far you should be into the healing process at the moment. Remember I said I felt that stigma now that I should be further than I am? But this is a personal and individual journey for each of us and you’re doing the best that you can and that’s an achievement in itself. When I look back on my journaling posts a month in and now, I can’t see much difference! The only difference probably is is that I write more with my rational mind rather than my heart..

I too wonder if my behaviour last night means that I’ve somewhat accepted the situation as it is? It sure doesn’t feel like this. When I think about this being the real ultimate end for us the idea makes me feel physically sick. But at the same time I’ve surprised myself & maybe in some way I have outgrown the idea of us being together also? I’m rationally thinking about all of the factors which lead to our relationship breaking and for the first time I actually honestly spoke to him about those in a hope that he’d say yes you’re right, I’m not ready and it’s holding you back, we shouldn’t try!

I feel uncomfortable in the situation as it has been flipped back to my corner where I am responsible for the ultimate decision.. it was much easier doing this when we both mutually agreed we weren’t getting along.

I love him sooooo much. That’s for sure. But can I be with him again? Can I literally risk it all again? I just don’t know..

Shelby,

Its absolute okay to feel low! But you’re surviving!

Please remember that he too is struggling. He may not show it but he is. A perfect example of that is my ex at the moment. Normally, a totally closed book. When we originally split up although we remained in light contact it was very vague. He never ever ever spoke of his feelings. In fact, when I tried to open up a line of communication about feelings he’d say things like ‘don’t worry, you’ll find someone who makes you happy, you’ll get married and have a beautiful family’ and he would say it with such nonchalance I actually had to ask how it’s that easy for him! He literally carried himself like it was the best time of his life! Like his life was amazing and perfect and he was going out with his friends and buying new clothes and being the busy bee that he is! I was broken. And then he came back a month later and absolutely broke down like a baby in front of me about how much of a front he’s had to put up to even remotely cope! (It didn’t take us anywhere in the end yes) but the point is, they do struggle.

Men are just weird creatures. They’d rather pretend all is ok and never speak of it again whilst us women find forums with like minded people so we can drown our sorrows in journaling every single thought, feeling and emotion!

I can guarantee he is struggling just as much as you are.

I was at the wedding when the whole communication thing happened between the two of you so may have missed some key points here! What actually happened? Did he respond?