Good morning wow90.

I totally empathize with you, as I too feel stuck in endless loops from self-sabotage, and it’s been a hell of a process trying to break these ingrained cycles. Self-awareness, while important in all aspects, is critical in working with self-sabotage. It seems like you’re aware in fact that you’re engaging in self-sabotage, which is the first step in working with it. What I did is start to reflect (by journaling) what my self-sabotage was all about: are their certain people, situations, or events that trigger self-sabotage? What does my self-sabotage look like? What does it feel like and where do I feel it? And most importantly, what is REALLY underlying this behavior?

For me it is fear: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of change, fear of death, fear of pain/hurt… all these fears were what was subtly motivating my self-sabotaging behaviors. I’ve noticed self-sabotage particularly comes out when I’m actually succeeding/doing well/achieving my goals because the self-sabotage voice says “give up. You’re going to fail anyways, so why even try?” So when I hear you say you’re making your mental health/healing a top priority, I can hear you’re self-sabotage screaming for you to back down, to crawl back into a hole and pretend everything is okay. The more you challenge yourself, to change those thoughts/behaviors that no longer nourish and grow your heart and soul, the louder these self-sabotaging voices will yell and throw tantrums.

What has kept me going is the hope/faith/belief in myself and in this process… that if I keep challenging myself and not give up… that if I continue to love myself and be grateful for the messages hidden within… that I will be able to direct my life as I see fit, rather than being controlled by fear.

Peace and blessing.

Weston

Amanda,

I was drawn in by the title of your blog post, as I can relate to some degree in your predicament. I am 26 years old and going on 5.5 years as a Chicago transplant (previously in San Diego and Phoenix). Yes, mirroring the cold brutality of the NYC winter months, I as well was ready to book it outta here in March. Sadly, my own self-doubt and uncertainty (amongst more practical matters) has kept me here four months past expiration and finally ready to move back. Nevertheless, I’ve gained a deeply profound bit of insight that I’m hoping to convey clearly to you; from one happy wanderer to another in a moment of question.

Similarly, albeit none the less sincere, I joke of going through my own pre mid-life crisis; having strived for the standardized approach to epitomizing “success” – as defined by our westernized/modern culture – in Corporate America and recently stepping away from that path completely. This seems to be where you’re at in your life. I as well, in a varying degree…although, hopefully with some helpful insight to offer you to ponder upon.

For seven years I threw myself into an industry that I (A) Grew up in (surely this meant I should follow suit to my parents. (B) Perceived as successful (really anything requiring a pant suit and salary). (C) Well, it’s what I was already doing anyway. And last but certainly not least, likely the most weighty of the four, there’s (D) What would people think should I choose otherwise? (i.e., what does that say about me?? My character might be in question. My work ethic suddenly takes a dive. I won’t fit into the system…does this mean I’m an outsider now??, etc.).

Suddenly, and seemingly out of nowhere, this juncture becomes apparent to us at all the right times as well as the most inopportune. Without a way to gauge the timing or really understand it, we ‘re often left in an unrelenting state of confusion. Unfortunately, the conditioning of the status quo by way of socialization in America creates these metaphorical self-agreements that we carry in our back pocket all our lives. That is, until we reach a point of opposition – whether internal or external – and begin to raise question.

-Did I make the right choice?
-How do I combat the stress and doubt bred by uncertainty?
-Was I right to trust my intuition and sever the ties? …wait…aren’t I supposed to just have “faith” in my intuition?
-What if I make a mistake, what if it doesn’t work out?
-How do I take that first step when every direction is blanketed in fog??
HELP!

Well…wouldn’t I just be the blubbering fool of my own satire to claim I didn’t ask myself those five questions of doubt at least a dozen times a day. And boy did I! Allow me to digress…

As a self-proclaimed student of the enlightened, I find myself in a perpetual state of self-seeking; understanding my own mental and behavioral paradigms to align with a higher state of being, or rather, a higher state of “I don’t give a damn!” (take the latter with a positive grain of salt). Dismantling my systematic approach towards life in general and recalibrating the areas of lacking doesn’t necessarily come with ease or clarity for that matter, but it’s certainly rewarding by way of self-discovery and personal development.

However, while you might reach a certain understanding in a state of idle contemplation, whether that be through meditation, journaling, art, conversing, etc., it is the active state of “doing” that will yield a viable solution in the form of direction (if not a clear answer). We’ll call this “Directed Thought”. Alternatively, action strictly based on the external-value system can leave you feeling purposeless, empty, or constantly striving for more.

And therein lies the problem. We often master one of two critical components to life success (“life success” by your own definition) through Directed Thought. That being either:

1) Self-discovery: The subconscious state of being; receptive awareness
or..
2) Self-creation: The conscious state of doing; action awareness

In our external driven culture, we easily and far to often lose critical awareness to the latter (Component 2), where all the emphasis is put on the active state of “doing” while the receptive state of “being” is ignored. The success of the Directed Thought growth process lies in the intrinsically simple construct of bringing these two uniquely vital dimensions together. Self -discovery and Self-creation (thought to action, conception to creation).

The idea being, to wander. But(!) to wander in a general direction. There’s a beauty in this and more importantly a purpose. As we attempt to maintain yesterday while simultaneously innovate tomorrow, we reach a stalemate between our soul-guided voice and our ego-driven mind; this is where confrontation happens…and as you’ve experienced, confrontation of the two breeds confusion of self.

What I do find incredibly inspiring about your situation is that you’ve already identified two key variables in the decision making journey: What do I really want? And What am I afraid of?

Your inner truth tells you:
“I’d rather be writing, traveling, working in vineyards, writing for cookbooks, or starting a family.”

More importantly, you’ve pinpointed your fear voice:
“I’d like to think it’s the latter, because I don’t really want to do TV right now, but I’m afraid I’ll regret it”

You’re at a point of transition as you reassess your old set of values. And while typically I would assess the next step as the redefining of a new set of values, this doesn’t appear to be the case, as your last sentence very pointedly tells all:

“Which is the right voice, or how will I know?”

It appears this isn’t so much a question of “which voice is right?” as much as it’s a matter of accepting what you know to be true to self (“gut feeling” as you put it). And to realize, you don’t have to be(come) the person you are, just because that’s the way you’ve always been. Meaning, not only is okay to change from what you’ve always know to be your “identity”, it’s imperative to your personal growth process to redefine yourself in all the ways you feel compelled to transform.

Otherwise, complacency sets in and the regret of not “taking a chance” impedes upon your current route anyway, should you choose to stay the course. This one path option we keep ourselves on can often leave our goals to the mercy of what I call the horizon effect. No matter how quick your pace, how focused your gaze, you can’t help but feel you’ll never quite reach your destination ahead. This leaves room for laziness to consume our progress (one of your concerns) or the “some day” syndrome to set in indefinitely. Making it far to easy to lose sight on a day-to-day basis as you operate under the illusion of time. You eventually find regret to be a possibility either way. Does it not make sense to take a leap into the more fulfilling of the unknown?

So before allowing your fear voice to justify it’s presence through the form of potential regret, I propose utilizing the tools of Directed Thought…

1-Self-discovery first: envision the life you want and strategize how you will get there.
Then apply..
2-Self-creation: build a fundamental transition strategy and pursue it. Live it out, give yourself a probationary period if you must. Include a contingency if you aren’t happy down the road.

Your fear voice will tell you to refrain; that regret is an impending inevitable. So this is also where the “what if” scenario can play an effective role for once. For instance, what if I DID move to a small town, work on a vineyard, switch paths and write for cookbooks while building a family?…what do I envision for myself and how would I get there if? What if I regret my choice after all, can I transition back? And if so, will the professional setback outweigh my joy to be back in the industry? etc.

This “what if’ing” eliminates any illusory obstacle (illusory being the operative word) that you might perceive and opens your mind to thinking outside your current mental boundaries. By practicing the Directed Thought method in tandem with a “what if” scenario, you allow innovation to flow freely. These unconventional methods, while effective on their own, actually have quite a bit of power when used simultaneously.

Just remember that you’re not alone in your pursuits or wrong to deviate from a path seemingly well paved. Most people are inclined to respond with their fear voice when faced with drastic life shifts by immediately labeling it as irresponsible, flighty, or most deceiving of all…impossible. However, backed by thoughtful planning and diligence, your actions quickly shift from a chronic state of someday to now-action.

Don’t let fear of regret hold you back, Amanda. There’s only ONE thing worse than getting to the end of a long day working on a vineyard, as you sit down to write for a cookbook, family running about in the background…and that is…never having given yourself the opportunity to experience what that life would feel like.

Happy wandering 🙂

Thanks Alpal! I have started with just doing my best to not reach out to her, which is a lot harder than one thinks. When I have something that happens that I want to reach out to her for, I reach out to someone else, or I journal. Journaling has been an amazing thing for me, not sure why I didn’t start ions ago…LOL!! I also still have her as a friend on Facebook and stuff like that, so I can still kind of see what she is up to, overtime that may change, who knows. I still care about her a lot and which her well in her life. She is just not a good fit in my life right now and I have realized that she has her own things she has to deal with and there is no way I can help her with that, she needs to find her own way. Good luck to you too!!

• This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by Heather.

hi there, as a prologue, i shall not read the other post/s that give advice but what i gathered from one which is to practice self love, i would say yes, continue to practice or start practising self love. i would also strongly urge you to find your inner core by journaling. first start describing how you are feeling and then slowly start inserting questions as if you are asking your higher guiding power and then slowly answers may start filtering. ask yourself as you feel that you are getting in touch with the higher power what should be done regarding this person you are obsessing. start asking less open ended questions and slowly after a lot of journaling, start asking more open ended questions, over time, the answer/s should come to you. please feel free to use this practice in other situations. on all accounts, pursue relationships but if you yourself are categorising this relationship then I urge you to ask yourself to reconsider this relationship. a lot of relationship advice is based on the fact that another person can only complement your life but you are to work towards finding fulfilment out of life on your own – another person cannot do that for he is trying to ensure fulfilment out of his own life! thus, i urge you to reconsider diving into a relationship with this man right now until you are clear on what you want from a relationship instead of lapping up whatever comes your way from this man. he must understand that going hot and cold is fine to test another’s interest but as it is bothering you then i believe the answer lies there – you seem to want to consider people who will be there for you and not carry out a hot and cold act. dating at any age is fun but like any other thing in life – you have to consider it with a strategy for if you don’t then there is a possibility that the other person will push his agenda at the cost of yours because after all, you don’t seem to have one. i hope this advice helps and i hope that i have not been too curt but i truly wish you the best as you handle your interactions with this man and i hope with other potential partners.

Junohara,
There is nothing quite like withdrawal from a person, and the anxiety that can take over. I know from past relationships, running after them only makes you appear desperate and needy. I was so angry for the first two months, that I didn’t care if he was dead or alive. But, after a while that anger eats you up, and who wants to become bitter, right?
Since I had just begun a online program about releasing, inner awareness, and loving yourself, I have been focusing on meditation and journaling my emotions. Other people cannot be your reason for living, and although I care about, and love this man, I embrace it , and remember, I am the most important person in this relationship. I have good days and lonely or even tearful days, but I know I will never leave me, and that gives me comfort. Peace is all I’m after now, not control. I hope these insights help, dearest one. Suffering is a choice.

Hi Kumo,

First, always remember this: You are the gift.

I must say, I follow in your foot steps: I’m not good at gifts, either. You never really know a person until you have to give them a card or a gift.

Over the years, here are some ideas that have worked for me:

You say you are in college? Does your college have a bookstore? Books make great gifts. Do you have a favorite novel or book of poetry that changed your life? Share it with her. In fact, you may want to pass along your copy and get another copy for yourself. Personal items make lovely gifts. And don’t forget to write an inscription in the book.

When I graduated from school, my best friend gave me a journal. Not only have I been journaling my life for many years, I went back to school and learned calligraphy. That gift has meant so much to me. And a journal keeps on giving.

Photos make wonderful gifts. How about a photo of your college or a place where the two of you used to hang out. When I left my home of many years, my best friend gave me the menu of a restaurant we both enjoyed. I have the menu framed and it is now in my new home.

I love picture frames and incense. If you have a favorite quote or mantra, print it, frame it, and give it. I know she’ll love your thoughtfulness.

Your post really spoke to me, Kumo.

I wish you a wonderful day and an even lovelier tomorrow.

Hello Kim.. frankly when i was reading your post i just thought u have written my story.. !
Kim my dear i would love to tel u that from now onwards u r too in my PRAYERS
trust me i can really understand what you are going through
Kim you knw if i tel u in short few things..u will be able to relate
i m generally v confident n happy person..ok alone… but when it comes to frnz..m very caring..outgoing..upbeat..always der for each of them..be at 2’o clock in d night..always der to lend my patient ear.. Showing empathy..cheering up
I always put my frnz recommendations for meeting olaces..days..time..always der on time…but i always see..weder dey turn up v late..so i hav to wait for long..or they tel lets meet next time..or dey wud just cancel on the 11th hour!!
(but yes fewtimes al is gud..but dats rare)
Going thru al dis again n again put myself in a doubt of my ability as a frnd..i feel so bad.. Sometimes i cal them..thy do not hav time…
kim its also that i dont get my texts replied…
so now u can see we both are sailing on d same boat..and please relax..you are not alone my dear… we all suffer…we all go thru such struggles n emotional problems…
kim wid al this…u knw i hav gained some inner strength..which developed slwly gradually… now i dont expect.. I do ask for meet ups..i do cal..but not to talk my side…i talk little n then listen to them.. i hav stopped expectibg from anyone…and it has given me immense peace..
This made me little touchy initially…as i thought why shud i talk or meet when its not abt me equally…but then…i slowly started enjoyng my solitude..i started writtng..journaling… positive self talk… This has made me to knw myself better ..be wid myself..leaen abt myself..and love myself… i see it as like this..that they al hav given me a chance to knw myself more..had i been a person who wud be understood by oders..but not by my own self…what a waste it wud have been.. 🙂
thats how life teaches…!
you too take it that u r a great human being..u r definately a superb friend.. u truly deserve frnz who appreciate and respect u… So my frnd…better wait for those who desrve you.. im also waiting for dos onez… 🙂
God is Great..he is watching..all will be fine…
hope i helped in some way..
please smile Kim… u luk great wid it ..im very sure abt it 🙂
tc

Dear Julie527,
My heart aches for you. I especially feel the sharp pain of rejection by your only daughter.

I hope you have a sangha, a circle of those who will love and support you, a spiritual community who can hold you up while you are going through this.

If you don’t then go seek one, whether it is a church group or Buddhist center, a 12 step meeting, or even a group of one loving soul.

We all need help in this life from others. Regular meditation, exercise, and just plain prayer are all proven ways to get us through such challenging times, moment-by-moment, day-by-day. Before each day begins focus on how it can be better, even a little. At the end of the day you can focus on your gratitudes however little they may seem.

Writing/journaling can be useful in getting out of your head and putting down all your pain and stress.

I send you hope and love Julie.

Mark

Hi Michelle,

Isn’t it so anxiety-provoking to post something? I made my first post the other day, and had a hard time not rushing back to check it for replies. But don’t worry, your post has not been up for very long and you may get more replies still. Even if you don’t, though, it’s not a reflection of you. Whether people reply or not has a lot more to do with them and their thoughts/feelings on the subject, not your worth as a person.

It sounds like you have so many dark thoughts and feelings swirling around inside your head, and I know how awful that feels. I struggle with anxiety and depression too. I’m sorry for the losses of your friends and the time away from your family in rehab; 4 months is a long time to be away. It must have taken a lot of courage and personal effort to stay and get well. The other suggestions weren’t given very gently, but finding some kind of a support system can be so steadying. If AA is a trigger for you, maybe individual therapy with someone who has experience in addiction counseling would be more helpful. Someone you can talk to and get some support from.

Remember, no matter how bad things are right now, suffering is temporary and universal. Your suffering is a part of human experience; it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad or worthless human. Remember the things you learned in rehab, seek love and support from healthy people and places, and spend time giving tender love and care to your spirit. You, and your future life with your sons, are always worth choosing self-care over alcohol. You deserve anything that makes you feel good AND is good for you, be it journaling, warm baths, calling a friend, a cup of hot cocoa, your favorite movie, going to therapy or a support group, yoga, whatever.

Special prayers for you,
Jessa

I totally agree with you Mark. I am searching for a new career and have realized by journaling…all i want to really do is help people.. it gives me great satiisfaction. now i just have to find out exactly what i want to focus on that will also provide a decent income.

Trina,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and know how dim things can get when we become overstressed. Sometimes when we have lots of little stressors (and some big ones) we quickly become drained. Then we zombie around until we feel crappy enough to do something about it. That’s actually a great thing, because we see the zombie mental state, and can choose to grow a new one! Said differently, we quickly get tired of feeling like crud, so we learn to grow our light. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that it makes sense that you’d try to bounce into affermations, self help plans, exercise, and so forth. After all, you’re looking for your joy, contentment, and peace, which makes sense. Often though, we lose inspiration… all these activities take our precious strength, and after a short while we stop them all, or nearly. Consider instead a different strategy. Work on growing the light first, then go sort out the rest. Said differently, when we’re suffering with a lot of stress, instead of pushing even harder into some “growth spurt” of positive activity, push yourself into self nurturing, and land, take time, come home, relax. Recharge your body. Hop in the tub with candles, go for a walk in nature, play… whatever it is that helps you relax and unwind. You have a tender heart, and it deserves your gentleness. Take time to be nice to it!

One of my favorites is loving kindness meditation. Buddha taught that metta (loving kindness) helps the mind become soft, smooth. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube, if interested.

Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, dear sister, even when you’re feeling crappy. As you share them, instead of bottle them, it really helps to let the past settle and move on with freshness. If you don’t have a close confidant (not the bf) to unwind with, be honest with, cry with, then consider doing some journaling or kick boxing or something, let it out. Namaste, my sweet sister, may your journey sprout with joy.

With warmth,
Matt

Chelsey,

I think what you’re doing can be a very good things. Don’t allow their protests to get to you – you are working on finding your voice and the courage to stand in the space that belongs to you – without being pulled in a million directions.

Remember that no one can hurt you without your consent. This piece of advice has taken me very far. No matter what they say or what happens – you are the only one who can influence your feelings.

I definitely recommend reading a bunch of good books (both in the personal development field and whatever you like), meditating, writing and journaling, but I think what’s most important is exploring what you really like. Doing what feels good. Learning to follow your intuition, day-in, day-out, about the smallest things. A lot of times when we’re with friends we never even stop to consider “what is it that I really want to do?” We just follow suit and do what everyone else wants to do. This is the perfect time for you to just foster your awareness and start paying attention to what feels right to you, and the directions your intuition is pulling you towards.

I commend you for taking this time for yourself. I’m sure it will be a time of transformation and discovery you’ll be grateful you had.

Hugs,
Laura