Dear Anita,

Thank you for writing 🙂

I am well yes! April was just a crazy month for me… Now I’m in bed journaling a little and I’ve just seen your post. I am not in the most focused moods to write but might be good to try. Tomorrow I’m going to work for quite a few hours and the day after too. I’ve started a new second job here in Alicante – in a beach bar. I’ve liked that place for a long time and after a few weeks of thinking I asked the owner if I could work there as a waiter. It’s a nice place – on the beach, always outside, good vibes, there’s a DJ – so there’s a lot of music I like. ( I also Dj in my free time but didn’t yet manage to do any gigs ). In many ways it would be more suitable for me to be a Dj not a waiter in that bar.. but maybe this is what I need right now. Let’s see.

One month ago I was back in Warsaw for a short holiday… back to the place where I’ve lived for almost 2 years. I felt quite good there although when I was living there I always missed Alicante and kept saying how much I’d like to be back there ( here ). I don’t know… is the grass always that much greener? It was very difficult for me to leave.. I mean.. after this last holiday at the beginning of April.. I kept crying and crying.. I felt really down. I was coming back to the place that has been on my mind for so long.. but I didn’t want to leave Warsaw. But it was the only right thing to do. There I don’t have a job and while I was living there I didn’t manage to find one. Now, I’m here in Alicante having 2 jobs but feeling lonely. The party land this place has been for years has changed. Actually it hasn’t – it became even more of a party land but it’s me who has changed. I don’t need those parties and the alcohol to cover my wounds anymore, therefore I’ve ”lost” most of my friends ( or drinking buddies ) too.

What am I doing?

I live in Alicante with a friend of mine in a room I don’t like and I feel lonely. I miss my girlfriend and I don’t know if she’ll be able to move here any time soon. Things don’t look very promising for her moving here any time soon. I feel a bit trapped to be honest.. trapped in a cage I myself created. I wanted to come here and do all this.. it all worked as I planned it.. because I knew what I wanted and I focused my attention to it. But I’m not really sure what am I really doing.

And.. did I say friend? I’m not even sure about this anymore.. since we have literally nothing in common with the person I live with and the only conversations we have are made of her talking about herself but never asking how my day was, for example. I guess we used to drink and party a lot together and since the binding matter has vanished there isn’t much to talk about. Fair enough!

Now.. I’ve recently started this new job. It’s actually pretty nice.. I think I like it more than the teaching.. my colleagues are nice and quite authentic I would say. There isn’t much bullshit flying around I feel quite good working with them and it feels good to step into a different challenge – working in a team and learn from others, although I’ve always had a problem with people telling me what to do. It’s really hard work though. I don’t yet know what to do.. Maybe I’ll stay for a while.. I need to become fully independent from my family financially. That’s the end goal and I suppose that’s also the main reason why I came here. In Warsaw I had no job and here I do. Still I have doubts. I am not sure I want to stay here. Part of me feels like I’m forcing myself to stay here – like I’m making my life harder. Honestly here I don’t seem to yet find more clarity. Very often I’d like to go back to Warsaw. Being away from my woman hurts.. She’s been here for a few days visiting me last week and she’ll be back in 4 weeks. I just find it really hard to function in this kind of relationship.. I often get frustrated and feel like I’d like her to come here faster although I know it’s not such an easy thing to do.

I know.. not much sense I’m making. I told you I’m a bit of a fog.. Quite dense I would say. But I just don’t know what to do.

On one hand – I’ve achieved what I wanted and things seem to head that way.. towards my financial independence, sunny days, workouts on the beach. On the other hand – I’m on my own. I got used to living with her.. or at least in the same city. Also at the beginning of this year when I confronted my mother about her hitting me during my childhood I got even more disconnected from both of them. There isn’t much communication with my parents anymore.

I feel like I’m on my own. I often feel lonely.. and I cry for a while. I ask myself why am I here doing this? But then I ask myself.. If not here now than where? While I was living in Warsaw I wanted to move here. Maybe I thought it would be easier for her to come over here and now realising that might take a long time… it hit me.

Don’t get me wrong. There are good things. I feel like I’m growing and doing a lot of work on the inside. I spend time thinking, walking on the beach and most of the time I don’t mind not having company. In that respect I’ve grown a lot.. I don’t need to be around people as much as I used to and I choose with much more care where I put my energy and time and who I share them with.  Sometimes I feel like this is needed – and I’m exactly where I should be. Maybe I need some time on my own to build my new foundation.

I know I’ll soon take a decision. I might stay or go. Now I gotta get ready to rest.. tomorrow I’ll be running around for 8 hours carrying drinks to drunken foreigners. ( that used to be me not so long ago :))

Take good care Anita,

I hope you too are doing fine and all is good there where you are!

Robi

Dear Anita,

“– there is an old, strong core emotional experience within you: feeling alone and disconnected, as in I am alone, there’s no one with me/ for me, no love for me. This core experience makes you intolerant of normal fluctuations in the level of emotional connection with the people in your life. It is as if you expect the same level of connection at al times, an unrealistic expectation born out of the core experience I mentioned in this paragraph. You emotionally overreact to normal disconnections by feeling acutely alone/ disconnected (lonely).”

• “there is an old, strong core emotional experience within you: feeling alone and disconnected, as in I am alone, there’s no one with me/ for me, no love for me.” -I can see this. In anxious states my go to is “I am alone.” In a lower vibrational state I feel loneliness in a negative way, but in the past months of trying to find wholeness within myself, reading/hearing that “I am alone” doesn’t scare me. I am alone but I have me, and when I am in my higher vibrations I am content with this. Before I met N, I lived alone for 2 years, it was hard but I did get to a place with being okay alone. My relationship with N, through me off, but I feel like I am finally reaching that place again. Not sure if this is the whole solution to this deep core experience, but it feels better than the loneliness I felt in the relationship.
• “This core experience makes you intolerant of normal fluctuations in the level of emotional connection with the people in your life” – I don’t like the word “intolerant” because it makes me feel like it is impossible, but I know that is not what you meant. I would call it “very sensitive of normal fluctuations ….”
• “It is as if you expect the same level of connection at al times, an unrealistic expectation born out of the core experience I mentioned in this paragraph.” -I see that I have expected this, and that at a lower vibration I do expect this. But I do know it is unreasonable. When I wrote “But something interesting I’ve noticed is that these soulmates can sometimes be distracted with other things and lead me to not feeling that connection at times,” I was saying I acknowledge there is not always a connection, but that I have the ability to see it. I saw it last night with my roommate, but that does not make me doubt my connection to her in general. What was so disappointing in the relationship with N was how often this disconnect was, it was becoming the majority of our relationship, just as it is a big proportion of my relationship with F. I see him disconnected but I feel I am becoming more and more just ok with it.
• “You emotionally overreact to normal disconnections by feeling acutely alone/ disconnected (lonely).” – I am being careful to tell the difference between sharing my truth here and not be defensive. I am not offended I appreciate it all but I also want to honor who I believe I am. I have done this 100%, and probably still will until I release something that I am holding onto in my heart, but I do not believe I am always this way. Although, This was very present in my relationship with N, obviously. Why it was triggered with him is definitely something to explore, although like I mentioned before, the ratio of connecting to him versus not, was definitely out of balance.

“but it is also true that your expectation to be 100% connected with another person at al times in all ways is very unrealistic, and no boyfriend/ no person can fit the bill.”

• I agree. I try to use connecting with others in the world to fill a hole deep inside about feeling connected. I know there is nothing outside of me that can make me feel whole/connected and that needs to come from within, but how? I believe I am moving in the right direction but sometimes this retroactive awareness feels like a big lag. I want to say it is to feel connected to myself.. but then that raises the question Do I not feel connected to myself?, I have not considered this and it isn’t raising any current emotions or thoughts.

“This craving for 100% alignment/ connection at all times is born out of that core experience of acute loneliness.”

• I wrote the above before reading this. Loneliness is the problem so feeling connected to myself is the answer?

“– I believe that these thoughts are coming from the core experience I mentioned above, that of acute and prolonged childhood/ adolescent lack of needed connection aka loneliness. Dancing you felt connected to those you danced with, then suddenly, you were afraid to lose the connection.”

• A lack of needed connection from where? in childhood it makes sense this would be my parents, but as an adolescent… You know what, this makes me think of my dads restrictions on spending time with my friends. They would all be hanging out and invite me, I would want to go and my dad would say no you already hungout with them this week, or he would make me come home much earlier than the rest of them. Because I wasn’t allowed to go to so many events, I stopped getting invited. I then started to sneak out to go hiking with my friends or whatever, and I would then get grounded and miss out on seeing friends for weeks. It also doesn’t help that I was homeschooled and in a private christian school for 4 years, 4th grade-half way through 7th grade I was thrown back in to public school, where my friends were. I wasn’t allowed to watch the popular shows my friends did and that created a loneliness, my friends didn’t understand my humor (realizing the connection to N here) since I had humor from my church ok’d tv shows that public school kids did not understand.
• At least My after school club soccer team was a good place for me to be social. Although I wasn’t allowed to hangout with all the girls and depending on the friend I had limits of time with them. I also had to call and ask my parents whenever we were gonna watch a movie and 7/10 times they said I couldn’t watch it, it was so embarrassing. It was lonely…
• This brings me to a current realization that my roommate actually helped me see. She has really good male role models in her life, her dad is emotionally open with her and did a good job teaching his son to respect his mother and sisters. She has many male friends who are good friends, to which I have none. I realized I lack truly healthy male figures in my life, which makes the way I interact with men unhealthy. My dad told me men were for dating only, causing me to date friends in highschool and after, friends that could have just stayed friends but I thought that was the only way to keep them in my life. And my mom was obsessed with male attention, from dads on my soccer team to my own personal friends in middle/highschool that came over. I have realized I care so much about how men see me, and I think this bled into my relationship with N as well, now that I think about it. My desire for compliments… To be fair he really did not give me much to work with and to my credit I was secure enough to not need comments from him for a long time before it started to bother me. I have never really had a male figure in my life believe in me or have my back. This lack of positive male energy makes me hyper aware about what men, specifically, think about me. This is a working observation I don’t know how is fully affecting my behaviors but I know it must be.

“Connected, you have a good time; disconnected, you have a (very) bad time.”

• This reminds me of times when I have avoided certain parties or environments with people I didn’t connect with. Sitting to lunch with someone I cam connecting with makes a good time, but yes sitting at lunch with someone I don’t connect with is very energy consuming for me… the small talk and pointless chatter, what is the point of that.

“Within your core experience of loneliness there is a belief that you are responsible to connections coming to an end”

• Ooh this is very interesting. It feels like a weight off my shoulders to say it is not my fault. But I also know that it is not, with N I knew it was him disconnecting from me. But there are times I definitely blame myself.

“No, N is not the most genuine, loving, caring man (we’ve discussed it and you agreed: he’s chronically numb, partly or to a large extent because of his chronic consumption of weed.. which makes him numbly-patient), and no man can be what you need him to be, so this entire debate is likely to reoccur in future relationships.”

• I am feeling the impulse to stay positive after reading that you wrote “this entire debate is likely to reoccur in future relationships.”  The reason I don’t think it will is because I am on a trajectory of working to feel whole within myself and not seek a partner to fill the hole. Something I was not aware of before N. I have learned that if I don’t do the work to process past pain, then my pain will decide my future and that would be the entire debate reoccurring. I don’t want a partner to “be what [I] need him to be,” because I don’t want to seek a partner out of needing. I am happy to be alone for as long as it takes to be whole enough inside to attract a partner who is the same. Two whole people.

“(1) A very cold version of your father (F)= a harsh disconnect. (2) You have experienced panic attacks following past disconnects, and you were alone in those.”

• F was certainly a reason I feel disconnected. When you say “you were alone in those” do you mean I was alone in the panic attack?

“But what happened was that about the time you started to physically develop into a woman (still a girl), he projected your cheating mother into you and treated you accordingly. By projecting a cheating woman into his 13 year-old daughter, he created a huge disconnect within you, a disconnect from your own self. For how can you be you when he placed the image of another person (your mother) into the mental space that you need to occupy.. so to be you?”

• I really appreciate the time you took to formulate this analysis Anita.

“There’s a lot more healing that can take place in regard to this core experience, and it’s an exciting prospect, in my mind. How do you feel about it?”

• I think it is exciting as well. The bees knees lol. Interesting how closely related my desire to be seen, needing to see myself, see hatch, and then needing to feel connected to myself. It makes me feel we are really getting to my “core experience” and therefore approaching the solution 🙂
• I want to feel connected to myself, and I do think I am on the path to doing this. I clearly want it and think my constant curiosity about myself shows me that I am trying. I feel more connected to myself when…. this is a good journaling prompt.  I feel this after I finish a piece of art and see what literally came out of me onto canvas. I feel this when who I feel I am, aligns with what others say… this one seems dangerous because it relies on others. I feel this when I acknowledge hatch.

Pondering Seaturtle

Hi Tee,

I can imagine how excessive self-reliance is depleting you quickly. And then you blame yourself when you’re burnt out and haven’t succeeded in your (Herculean) task. You’re expecting a lot (too much) of yourself, you give yourself (too) big tasks, and then you’re putting yourself down when you don’t succeed. Would you agree with that?

I mean I don’t know if I’m expecting a lot and I might be comparing myself with others here like others are already doing it then I can do it too. So I tell myself it’s doable. Because I think some people are dealing with more things than me yet still reaching their goals and finishing tasks then I can do it too. And whenever I try to give excuses to myself about something I feel guilty and yet still lot of times I procrastinate a lot.

Yeah, your lack of trust has developed gradually, with your parents (and I guess other adults too, like your grandfather?), in your childhood. And it remained a blueprint for how you view all other relationships. Even if you meet kind and loving people, your core belief (“I cannot trust people”) will be still working in your subconscious and will make you guarded and cautious.

Yes, we can change our modus operandi. A part of it is changing our false core beliefs. Mine would be “I am helpless”. Yours would be “I have to rely on myself”.

I agree it makes me remember our conversation about old beliefs and I guess therapy did helped a bit but not very significant. And just I’m not seeing therapist anymore. I do try to journaling and work on removing my old beliefs and rooted fears. What kind of things that I can do to remove my old beliefs and rooted fears more efficient way? Kinda like rewiring our brain you know

Yeah, I think the key issue for my father was his own upbringing with a “martyr” covert narcissistic mother and him always suppressing his needs to trying to make his mother happy. That was what formed him. And my mother was a similar “martyr” (in her own eyes), though not narcissistic. But his dynamic was similar: trying to please and appease his mother, and later his wife. So there was no way he would stand up for himself. I mean, he did have success in his career, but he was pretty suppressed at home.

For your mother, she was perhaps financially dependent on your father as well, so that came into play as well? And the whole patriarchy thing, which I guess was still strong while you were growing up, right? So I can see why it might have been more difficult for her to standup for herself than it was for my father.

Ah similar because my mother is also suppressed at home. It’s not like before but still yeah. And yeah patriarchy thing is really strong in small village environment.

No, I don’t believe I am unworthy any more, but I still have a lot of procrastination when it comes to my career and the things I’d like to achieve. It’s like I am frozen a bit. And having all these health issues, and worrying about them, isn’t helping either: it makes me worry about it and ruminate and I end up feeling paralyzed. Like, I know what I want, but I am not working towards it.

It’s related to my childhood “freeze” I think, where my mother feared too much for me and was the happiest when I was by her side, in “safety”. Riding a bike was seen as risky by her, so my parents never bought me a bike and I never learned how to ride (I think I’ve told you that already). So it’s this “deep freeze”, deep fear of facing challenges.

Ah I see, I know it’s not easy for you but have you ever tried being a reckless child at this age? Like I don’t care what happens to me I want to do it means I want to do it. I guess because concerned and matured adult would think and ruminate a lot. Reckless child wouldn’t. and who knows you can get good results although it’s something really out of your comfort zone but something that you can try and feel like you got the power.

And once you got taste of that feeling I guess your fear and anxiety would slowly disappear.

Yeah, it seems your sense of not being good enough manifests in you pushing yourself above the limits, expecting too much of yourself (and believing you need to do it all by yourself). Whereas for me, I am not pushing myself at all, I am frozen. Again, we have the opposite reaction to a similar injury…

It’s like you would need to tell yourself: “I am good enough and I am doing enough“. And I would need to tell myself “I am good enough and I can do this next step.” Perhaps 🙂

 

Haha yeah, you’re right. Well, we got to try. Right!?

Dear Anita,

This is a journal entry on another topic that has been on my mind the past 24 hours, and I would love your advice and thoughts.

(1)I have always loved the idea of having a ‘girl group’ of friends, multiple perspectives and multiple people to be there for you. When I watch of Sex in the City (the movie/show) I want what they have. Even in the tv show Friends, the group of friends, even just the three girls having eachother. Despite having this desire I have found myself, over the years since highschool, found myself avoiding mixing certain friends… I had this friend, G, she was my first real friend, she lived down the street and her parents were often not home so she would spend the summers with me and my family. We went to different schools for a while, but once I joined her public school, instead of helping me make friends, it was more like some competition to show me all the friends she made… From this point on, I made other friends on my own, because I couldn’t rely on her ‘in school.’ I made good friends, all temporarily though in classes, but then I met a girl T, who I really liked and got along with, we would spend lunches together freshman year. T told me one time she felt weird because G had reached out to her to hangout… I thought this was weird too, G didn’t even know T but through me. I didn’t like this but it was ignored because T didn’t desire to respond. G was fun to be with outside of school and without other girls OR boys around. (literally told the boy I liked in middle school that I liked him! and that she did too!) But then she apologized, that was in 8th grade and it wasn’t until sophomore year (10th grade) I was able to go hangout with her again, with walls up.

(2)Since then G has been in bad relationships where guys cheat on her and she stays, they are mean to her and she cries to me, then I try to tell her to leave and she stays with them. Last year I had to tell G that I could no longer answer her long calls to vent about these men that she would only go back to, in fact days before breaking up with N when you told me that you could no longer hear about his gaslighting, I was reminded of this. Anyways I don’t want this bad relationship to affect how I approach other friends, with walls up.

(3)Then there is P, we connected sophomore year and have been the best friendship I have had since then. She is always a phone call away, and she was a big reason I chose to move to AZ, where she moved a couple years ago. Although since I have lived here this past year, she has been consumed with this relationship, that from the outside seemed obviously toxic to me, but love is blind. Her eyes were recently opened, she fell out of love but is paying a lease with him until october. In the mean time being around him and draining her in every way. The three options you shared with me yesterday “you have 3 options: (1) to stay with him and ask no questions (hatchling/ Seaturtle in a cage), (2) stay with him and keep asking questions, and getting infuriated, (3) having mercy on the two of you, wishing him well and existing the relationship.” P is confined to option 1, until she can move out. Just yesterday she came over to go on a walk with me, I asked her how she was, and she just burst into tears. Saying she feels stupid for moving in with this man, she knew it was wrong and just ignored her intuition, she said he brings out the worst in her, now they are just roommates who argue.

(4) The difference between G and P, is that G continues to return to the men. I can tell P knows what she deserves and it is no longer this situation. G, for example, would cry one minute, then the next be like “oh wait I think we can actually make it work.” Whereas P, is very set on it never working, I trust she would not go back. This redeeming quality in P, plus how mentally healthy I have seen her in the past, is why I stick by P, through a hard time right now. However I do find I am protective of my energy around her… I want to be there for her, but not let it bring me down, which I think she is good at not over-staying her welcome, a Quality G did not have. I feel like to have lasting friends you need to be there for them through the hard parts, and you just need to decide which friends you believe are growing and who would keep you stagnant. P has brought me up before, now it is my turn to be there for her.

(5)I am so beyond thankful for my roommate, R (I have called her M in the past but I don’t want to use the same letter I use for my mom, so I will change hers to R for Roommate). She was the one who told me, before breaking up with N, that she would be there for me, she said “let’s do it, I can be here for you” she brought me ice cream the night of the breakup, leaving her current date early. Since then I have spent alot of time with R, days I would usually have spent with N. When R works I get some needed alone time as well. The other night when we went out, I shared with her my desire to go visit Louisiana, potentially my next home! I love everything that I have read, and I do not love AZ, I have been asking my higher self, where next? for a long time but am patient for the answer. Then a few days ago I sat in silence and felt the desire to look at a map, I want to live by a large body of water, the coast perhaps, as I looked along the coast, ruling out certain states I found myself at New Orleans, a place I have been wanting to visit for a while. I looked up the culture and so far am so intrigued. The night we went out I told her about it, she got excited for me and said she could see me there. She said she would love to go visit with me! save up together and go explore, this morning we talked more about budgeting and planning the trip.

(6)So here is my dilemma. I have invited P and R to hangout the three of us twice, both times I sort of felt it was overtaken by P. I think it is because in her living situation now, she doesn’t get to express herself, so it comes out in bursts when she is out and it is hard for others to get a word in. Personally I have found my time with R more enjoyable, and feeding to me. But yesterday when P came over, she made a comment, seeing a picture of me and R’s night out, she said “I would have come out with you guys! I have been home just sad.” I didn’t really respond, but I was thinking, ‘I am happy it was just me and R.’ As I spent the evening with P last night, I kept thinking ‘should I mention the New Orleans trip?’ I didn’t, because I wasn’t sure what I would say if she asked to come. I sort of just want to go with just R. But, to come full circle to the beginning of this post, I have always wanted a ‘girl group,’ yet here I am denying it? Intuition or fear?! here we are again. Is it ever fear? I have been this way for so long, ever since keeping G away from T, freshman year of highschool (who I mention at the beginning of this post). I wonder if I am pushing away my opportunities for a girl group, or if being with one person at a time is best for me.

(7) The interesting thing is, R came home this morning, right between paragraphs 4-5 (i will number them now so it is clearer). I asked her about her night at a birthday party last night, then we got to talking about our New Orleans trip, when it would be the best time and how long we would need to save. Then she brought up “and you know I was thinking about if we should invite other girls, but I think it should just be us since we have similar goals going and mixing up what everyone wants to do might take away from our both wanting to just explore.” I found this so interesting because I was just here journaling about that question and she brought it up without me even saying anything about that. The same things were on her mind as mine.

Anyways, I appreciate this space to journal and if you do have some insights as to my friendship patterns, or anything, I’d love to hear.

Happy Sunday! (smiling sunshine emoji)

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“– this is the first time you are sharing about this.. Is it a non-intrusive surgery aka a minimally invasive procedure? Are you scared, has it been on your mind a lot (although you didn’t share about it)?”

I found out about it just before coming to this platform so I was already out of the emotions of it and didn’t need feel like I needed to process it further. It was a shock when I learned about it, but the fact it was benign and could be removed microscopically, I haven’t been worried about it. Although my surgeon just called me this evening to tell me that my blood work came back inconclusive and so I have two options. She can remove the whole ovary tomorrow, which according to medical studies and her 30 years of work doesn’t affect fertility. The cool part is that the other ovary adjusts and takes on the tasks of both ovaries, however sometimes it can result in slightly less estrogen production (my only concern with this option). My second option is to wait, get an mri to get conclusive results whether it has any cancerous potencio al, if it comes back negative the surgeon could try to separate the tumor from the ovary, however her and the specialist said I would likely lose most if not all of the ovary that way anyways due to its size.
I check in at 11am tomorrow and have a chance to talk further with the surgeon so I will ask her the hormonal questions I have then, but for now I am leaning on getting it all removed, mostly because I just want it out and an mri sounds expensive. I will sleep on it as well. I also didn’t know the surgery was tomorrow until a couple days ago, I knew it was sometime in January but it is sooner than I thought. Until her call with me this evening about the inconclusive blood work, I haven’t been stressed about it, but now that I have a decision to make I am a little stressed, especially a decision I have hours to make.

My roommate is driving me and when I went to tell her we ended up chatting for a long time, why I’m awake so late. Anyways at first the conversation was about the surgery, she’s a nurse so she did have some good input as well and her opinion is to get it all removed since the effects of working off one are minimal. She was helpful. Then however our conversation went in to talking about the guy she is currently talking to, and has been for about two months. We spent new years with him and his friends, he is 34 and his friends were around his age ranging to 42. M and I talked about how it’s just funny we didn’t picture our new years being going to a party with people 20 years older than us haha. But it was fun. Anyways her guy is a professional basketball player and just left yesterday to go play in Africa for 5 months, so she is missing him. Her missing him, and telling me about it had weird affects on me about N. I found myself trying to reminisce with her, alot of the qualities that her guy has are very similar to N’s nice qualities. One being physically attractive. She reminisced in their sexual intimacy and I trailed off with her about the good parts. I think it’s healthy to be able to express the good parts right? Or is that destructive for me? I am not missing N. But I do feel I miss parts, which is not all of him so I don’t want all of him but It made feel afraid my future partner wouldn’t be as good as some of N’s good qualities… I hope this fades with time and I do not begin to compare in a future relationship, perhaps if I am comparing I wasn’t ready to move on in the first place..

At first I was gonna go to bed, but I ended up on Pinterest, my favorite app haha, and it led me to a quote that resonated with me and said “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” The quote made me feel like I was feeling something I was unaware of, and this forum is where I usually come to express and understand myself more so I came here to write about how I’m feeling.

I am a little indecisive about the surgery and want to make the right decision. But simultaneously I am feeling what I wrote above about N. Oh there is also something I have been grappling I haven’t mentioned here yet, at first I just didn’t think it was a big deal cause I felt I had it under control, but it lead to discovering something else. I texted N on New Years Eve, I don’t regret what I said it was what I was authentically thinking and feeling I said:

“Happy new years Nathan
I deeply miss all the good moments we’ve had..
especially our new years together, both years.
This is not easy by any means at all.. but I still believe it is best.
We will connect again soon for some loose ends but until then I truly wish you the best”

I was feeling very sentimental the entire day as that was a holiday that we always took a vacation for and on vacation he would come out of the world a bit for me and we would have some deep conversation and connect more. Problem was he was no longer that person when we were in the real world and would say he didn’t have time for it, he became fearful of conversation again once we would come back to normal life, the majority of our time together. Anyways I feel like I’m trying to defend myself a bit over what you may be thinking.

Anyways the whole reason I bring this up is because the message never sent, and the only reasons a message doesn’t send on an IPhone is either because you are out of service or the other person blocked your number. This is the only contact I’ve had since the breakup, but I’ve also known that I would have to eventually because I left some valuable things at his house that I remembered after. For example…my passport is there hidden in a drawer. Also my snowboarding gear which is easier to let go of, but it is very expensive materials. Although the passport is my main concern. So another thing I’m feeling right now is some anxiety in how I will get that passport if he did indeed block my number.. also why he would do that, you block someone who has done something terrible or won’t leave you alone and I’ve never been either of those things. Perhaps he was just upset I didn’t contact him to change my mind within the weeks after and decided to take some control, something he did not have at all in our separation. I am not sure how this will play out so I am a bit anxious. I will likely have to message his roommate, to give N a warning that I will be there for my things. If he did in fact block me I would expect nothing less that immature attitude which I would not match. And fortunately I don’t need my passport at the moment so I still plan to wait a while, until I feel it’s right, before I try to get it back. But I also worry the longer I wait that he could get rid of my snow gear :/ which is just a bummer but not worth going prematurely. Part of me even looks forward to confidently walking in there for my things and confidently walking out, cause I am sure of my decision and maybe I want him to see that? I mean he has to know since I didn’t contact him in the few weeks after, the typical timeframe if I was gonna go back on my decision. I had to have my mom text him for my flight information so that I didn’t have to, cause I wasn’t ready then. I sent her the message to copy and paste for my information and after he sent it had her tell him that I thought direct communication wasn’t best for now but that we would meet eventually to tie some loose ends (referring to my snow gear at the time I hadn’t yet realized my passport was there until last night I remembered). I had my mom tell N that because I felt bad…and maybe this is something I need to fix in myself because I often remember your metaphor at the danger for the rabbit to have sympathy for a mountain lion (seaturtle and shark). However I still do sometimes, I can’t help but think about the fun and good times that we did have, I think about that version of N and I feel sad for him and even in my heart want to be there for him. Then I think about the reasons I ended things and the other side of him that was manipulative and gaslighting and I have anger towards that version then there’s the fact he didn’t see me, those reasons are why I trust myself not to go back to him, so I don’t fear sending him that message on new years or having my mom text him. But the good side, I feel sorry for. We had good moments that I wanted to pause time to stay in, I think it had more to do with the honeymoon high of loving someone that I wanted to pause though… not necessarily something memorable he did.

I just sense that I see him again for a brief moment to get my things and I am anxious for how exactly it will go. However I know there are options to like have a friend go get it for me but what’s this part of me that wants to go do it myself and let him see me again and what he lost.
As I write this is doesn’t sound the healthiest and I do see flaws, but what’s so interesting about the place of life I’m in right now is it’s like I have access to my higher self vibrations at times but I am not always there, I am certainly at low and medium vibrations the same amount of time. I think I maybe get paths crossed when it comes to pleasure and what is actually the best. Cause aren’t I just a robot if I am always just doing what is best? Isn’t the human part of us that wants to go do something because it makes us feel something? What are the benefits of always doing the correct thing… a higher vibration I suppose, but why does that sound boring sometimes. Anita as much as this is hard to say and even admit to myself right now I enjoy the drama sometimes. But I wish I didn’t if that makes it better haha. I also see people around me enjoying much much more drama than makes sense to me, but then that’s judgmental of me to even think, and comparison is a thief of joy, yet I do it.
I am not sure why I feel so open right now, perhaps the time of night. I wonder if these are thoughts I will resonate with still when I feel in a higher vibration… that is interesting, and perhaps a major tip for journaling. I am wondering if I should send this message or if it is just a complete ramble that I should keep to myself. But perhaps it would be even more helpful to my growth to hear another persons perspective on some of my mind trails.

I feel like I could keep going and continue to type my inner dialogue but I am seeing the time and can’t believe how late I am awake. I will let you know the updates on my surgery tomorrow, I am still undecided.

goodnight Anita,

thoughtful seaturtle

Dear Anita,

I’d like to preface this message by journaling my current feelings. In order to prepare to go out with my friends tonight, I let myself sleep in as much as possible this morning, until noon! It felt nice, I woke up quiet and peaceful, but lying in bed awake it was not long before missing N occurred again, the uninvited good memories. I decided that meant it was time to get out of bed, I cleaned a bit and did a neck and shoulder yoga, as I felt tight in my neck. This day is very nostalgic, I have very vivid memories of our new years eve’s together, it reminds me of our first road trip together, 5 months into the relationship. On the trip we faced a lot of obstacles, his truck spun out, but he saved it, then his transmission fell out! we waited 10 hours for a tow truck. The drive was from Seattle to Las Vegas, where he went to college and had friends, whom I liked to spend time with as well. Through the obstacles of the trip we bonded. There was a moment we weren’t sure if we would make it by new years eve, but we pushed through and made it. We were so relieved and that day felt so connected, there were moments we were both there for the other when the other was losing hope.. it was one of the highlights of the relationship, that trip. We met each-others friends and all felt like it fit like a glove. This morning I feel like I am in a medium vibration, the sadness is bringing me down but the memories are happy.. I just miss the friend I had in N and it is actually the first holiday that we spent together both years, that I am not seeing him. What I mean is, we never actually spent christmas day together, the first one we spent before Christmas, the first time I told him I loved him. The second christmas he visited my family after. But thanksgiving, new years, halloween and valentines day, were days we spent together, so this new years is the first holiday tradition without him. It is like his ghost is here (this made tears come to my eyes). Anyways this is the version of Seaturtle who is responding today.

You wrote, “In that quieting, the vibrations of your heart chakra and your sacral chakra become louder and louder, and you yearn for connection and romance.” I like that you are speaking in terms of chakras because I am curious about them, I am interested to know what made you want to do the research on them?

You wrote ” – (1) as a boy, he did or would have done anything and everything to become who his mother/ father wanted him to be. As an adult, he would adjust somewhat to a romantic partner (ex., SAY what she wants him to say, apologize) but not change.”

-I wonder, if we can’t truly change, then why do some of us? I feel like I have changed in many ways, and I know I am a curious person who wants to learn and be better, something N lacks. However, as far as human sociology/psychology goes, why am I more capable of change than him?

” There is always something good underneath any feeling…your desire to be SEEN, a strong and frustrated desire that you had in the relationship with him.”

This makes me hopeful but this “good” thing underneath my feelings, my desire to be seen, doesn’t make me feel better. Maybe that isn’t the goal. I just want to feel hopeful but as much as my HVI believes there is someone out there that will see me in a relationship, I have a helpless voice that tells me there isn’t, this is why I have no desire to go out to clubs and what not cause there is no one there that could see me, or a very low odds, so it makes me feel hopeless. The block party shouldn’t be this way but maybe that is a reason I fear it, although my roommate is at a similar state to me she said she only wants a drink or two, and the people we are going out with is a more mature crowd she met recently.

“- you are welcome, but as I read the beginning of your next post, it led you to a bottomless pit… I will soon read the rest of that post.”

Actually by the time I was getting to bed I forgot about the video! sad.

“- heart and sacral chakras vibrating loud!”

I wonder how I can sooth these chakras.. I will look it up.

“What is likely, in my estimation, is that he will end up with another woman who will try to change him…  and fail.”

So then he will continue the self fulfilling prophecy that he is not enough?

You wrote “– for some balance/ bigger picture (I am addressing your crown chakra with the following): “Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months” (July 29, 2023). Eight months back from July 29 is Nov 29, 2022, so your mind hasn’t rested last New Year, in between a few fun experiences.”

It is interesting you phrase it this way “I am addressing your crown chakra,” I think this is the answer to a lot of my internal torment. Addressing my crown chakra does pull me out of where my heart and sacral take me too far into. I won’t delete it now, but above I wrote something again about missing him this new years eve and this response is all I need for that, I feel better now than I did at this beginning of writing this post. Thank you. You are right, as much fun as NYE was, the new years did not bring me peace.

– let us bring all the parts of Seaturtle together for a discussion for the purpose of quieting that shuddering and fighting (against memories and images), and promoting comfort, the feeling of safety, and wisdom:

You wrote  “Your favorite line from the song is: “If I’m (Hatchling) not here for me/ She (Seaturtle) will be there“- Seaturtle: don’t leave hatchling alone at this time.”

-I needed this reminder

“Seaturtle’s crown chakra is needed this New Year Eve and New Year Day. It will be a good idea to start the new year with HVI provided by a hv crown chakra.”

“Would you like to tell me your thoughts this Sun morning, so that we can hopefully proceed with this discussion?”

Yes, I am sorry it is later than morning and hope to hear from you today,  but yes I would like to awaken my crown chakra further in order to stay in a high vibration in this inevitably challenging day and night.

Happy New Year’s Eve Anita!

Seaturtle