hi sapnap3, your story sounds similar to mine. I haven’t counted the days of no contact, but is been about 2 weeks, not counting the quick note he sent with the mail he forwarded to me last week and that I saw him this week as we both drove past each other just out of chance. I am trying to be social but I have also realised that I feel better with myself than with others, though I try to meet friends once a week if I can. I did the clubbing and alcohol thing that my friends encouraged me to do and I realised that at the moment alcohol makes me feel sorry for myself and the noise of clubs is too much for me. I am naturally a quiet and introverted person, but at the moment i’m so sensitive that I crave the silence and peace even more now than before. im retreating into my own space and walking, running and journaling, and very much a loner. I’ve been here before, I think i’m just healing, so I think its a phase.

Dearest Blhlh,

It sounds like you feel very trapped either way–staying in the marriage or getting out.– I want to offer you some tools to help you as you start to think about what is best for you. I happen to be a social worker, and have experience working around people with various mental health issues. I agree with Matt and Jaydee, that there is a serious element to your husband’s threats of suicide. But I just want you to think on a different side of it for a moment or two. Can you recall a time when you felt or perceived that your husband’s suicide threats were being done out of manipulation? Have you ever felt that he throws the “suicide card” out when he wants something his way or wants to make you feel guilty about something/some situation? I urge you to think about this, because while suicide is a very serious thing, there are many people who, while their thoughts can feel real, have learned it can be used as a powerful manipulation tool. I would encourage you to look up information on Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder to see if the symptoms makes any sense in your situation.

The truth is, you have no control, in any way, over his behaviors nor over him committing suicide. You have no control IN the marriage, and you have no control OUT of the marriage. I know how scary it can be, but you must release yourself from any responsibility over his behavior, because you are not in control of it. Period. He may have made comments about committing suicide if you leave him, but that sounds like a manipulation tactic. You can also start to look into boundary setting with him. For example, you might start to tell him that you take suicide very seriously and that you want him to know you will be calling 911 if any future threats or attempts come up. Or, just call 911 next time he makes a threat. This sends him and message that you are validating his feelings and taking his threat seriously, but it also sends a message that he better be serious about making such threats and not be using such a threat carelessly. You may also decide to set a boundary that when he gets angry, you are going to leave the house, and he can call you when he’s done having an episode of rage. These types of behaviors are only fueled when people stick around for them.

You have a lot to think about. I understand the religious worries, and the marital vows. I would support you either way, staying or leaving. But, if you stay, you must develop coping skills to keep yourself safe (first and foremost) and happy. And our partners are supposed to be our biggest fans of our safety and happiness. Do you feel that your husband wants nothing more than to know that your safety and happiness are intact? If not, there you go. You are #1 right now. It will be excruciating, but you will survive a divorce if that is what you choose. He will not change, not matter how much you push him, threaten him, etc… He will not change until he, and only he, is ready. In the meantime, find some support for yourself. Find a good therapist, pick up the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie, and start journaling or finding an outlet for all the volatile emotions that must come up depending on what mood your husband is in that day. Protect, Nurture, and Feed your soul, yourself. Give the situation up to God as you work through this. Educate yourself on what might be going on. When we are armed with knowledge, we can make more informed decisions. I hope this helps, and I will pray for your peace and safety in this process. Let me know if you have any questions.

Kim…..Hi……I read 3/4 of your story and stopped because I can kind of predict what the rest will say. Been there done that a lot. I am one to say that u really need to stop and take a breath. Look I have been there many times since my first divorce…..I married when I was 22 and had my first born….relationship didn’t work out after ten yrs of being married and two of dating….I was devastated when I divorced because my ex had beat me, cheated on me and had taken every part of my self esteem. I believed in “till death do us part” and dint want to be another statistic so I stayed for as long as I could. During the court proceedings I ran into my bf from high school…he too was divorcing. We started hanging out and I always saw him in a platonic way in school so to hang around was awesome. Unfortunately time, age, and maturity played a big role and I fell in love with him. We married five months after and it was great till the fourth and fifth year of marriage… Same issues arouse and I wasn’t going to tolerate it…he ended up cheating and getting girl pregnant while I was pregnant too…yeah, I know. He came back after affair and man I regret it to this day. I lost so much weight and was severely suicidal, always checking his phone, etc….I was going insane. One day he loved me next day 360! My problem was letting go of the past and it still is every time I meet someone….it’s like if I keep accepting the love I think I deserve. Same types of men….looks, athleticism, height, domineering, and controlling..I never healed from my first marriage. Big Mistake…after seventeen yrs I recently met a man at work and truly fell in love with him…we got engaged and recently as I saw his true colors, I returned engagement ring and somehow things went to shit after that and he broke up w me and said when he was done he was done, but it was fun. Yeah, I know. I was devastated…he hasn’t called for almost two months and I think he may already be in a relationship. Now I can say that I’m ok w that because he is no longer my problem and if he didn’t truly care enough…..he did me a favor.
Why an I telling you all this when this is about your struggles, right? Well, patterns….I have learned through many people who post on this website and strongly agree that when we don’t deal with our own issues, insecurities, self esteem, and love for ourselves, that’s the love that people will convey and reciprocate. There’s nothing wrong with you but you are trying to find something and someone that will fill the void you have with yourself. Do you accept you? Do you love you? Can you be alone? Can you accept that being alone until you heal from the past is a good thing? I can’t tell you the similarities that a lot of us have on this site. The self esteem issues being number one and the lack of love toward ourselves. I know it feels good to have someone in your life that cares for you, compliments you, and tells you they love you, but those are just words…..anyone can do that in the mirror…ACTIONS are what matter. Don’t settle for anything less. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. I can’t say I’m a 100% the one to give advice but really, take some time to think, plan, write, and be whole again…journaling helps…when you read back what you write you’ll be amazed at how things look when you are on the other side looking in. Much love e.

Oh my goodness.. U were right when u wrote a response to my disappointment other day, it’s like if I just had de ja vu. I have been experiencing the exact same things with my ex. I can’t tell you all of the advice my friends have given me and all of the false hope I have felt throught this process. It’s so hard to make sense of a lot of what’s going on…I clearly remember the days when my ex told me that if only I knew how much he loved me, that I was amazing, and that a future with me would be the best thing for him. He would look for me non stop and wait for me after work to walk me to the car, and he would txt me quite a bit…..it has all just stopped. You and I should hang out, lol;). On a more serious note, it’s taking time for me this time to deal with it all, idk your age but I’m 38 yrs old and I guess I really thought this guy was the one. You see I’ve been divorced twice and have had several long term relationships but for some reason they just haven’t worked out for me…kinda feel like I’m just meant to ride solo. Journaling helps…I can’t say when it’ll help see positive side to doing but I can say that my journal is filled with so much emotion and hurt and questions. From the outside looking in, everyone who has ever gone through what you and I have have survived and gotten something better. I believe in a higher being and that He has a plan for all of us. We are not always gonna have our every hearts desire but all we can do is wait adm trust in what ever that plan may be…even though I’ve expressed grief, anger, impatience, and doubt I now see that if I’ve survived the hardest things a person can possibly face….divorce, physical and verbal abuse, and being left a single mom with four kids with out any help, I can get through this…and so can you. We can’t see the forest from the trees but I know that we and whoever is facing similar problems can rise above this and come out not only ahead but with more blessings because we gave each relationship our all.

Dear Oskari,
What a difficult situation you have experienced. I am sorry that you were so rudely hurt. I do feel that your girlfriend owed you some type of explanation and discussion in honor and respect for the relationship you shared, but I guess she had some fear or apprehension about doing that – can you blame her? She would be putting herself right in the face of your anger. Take a brave person to do that and take responsibility for their actions, to help the other personal heal and move on. Now you learned she is no self less. Sometimes we can see truly who someone really is when they are challenged with doing the right thing. (I’m sure many would disagree with me using right/wrong terms) but we all define ourselves by what we want to be as a human being.
That is something that has lead me to respect who I am. With all of my faults, insecurities and challenges, I try to instill honesty, respect, compassion and integrity into every thing I do. I am extremely proud of trying to live my life that way. In many ways, that philosophy helps me to see that I am more important to me than making others happy. Although I strive for that whenever I can. There is only so much we can do to make people know how we feel, if they don’t feel the same way, we must honor their choice and move on. But move on with the good stuff you learned from the relationship, I am sure that you learned and shared much.
So maybe it would help you to make a list of positive experience that helped you to grow as a result of the experience. Maybe then you could look at this loss as a lesson..a gift to your live by love, growth and experience. You can bring that awareness into other relationships as you move forward.
Regarding trust – how can you trust again – I have learned through my 58 years of living, that everyone in my life will hurt me. Maybe not intentionality but it has and will happen. We are human- pain is a part of the experience of life..so you cannot set up a life without pain – but you can design tools to help you cope, learn and move on. I hope my words offer some support. You will be fine. These intense feelings will begin to soften over time and the betrayal will begin to hurt less and less.
Try not to isolate from friends, family or any support. Do things that bring you pleasure. The more joy and happiness you can experience, the faster your body and mind will be removed from depression.
Journaling (writing a diary) may help you to deal with difficult emotions. I find that when I write about my problems, I can finds answers right there among my words.
Good luck, and I wish you a speedy recovery.
Pat

I agree with Laura.

Have you tried journaling too? Writing down your story (like what you wrote to us) in a journal can be helpful because it de-stresses you even if just a bit and then later on when you read your entry again, you see your situation with a different perspective and you somehow start to come up with possible solutions to improve the situation.

It will take some time to resolve this, but it is a good idea to start now (or the sooner, the better). Breaking up and letting go is a challenge no matter what. It goes the same with friends, family members, and even people we work with. Sometimes we have to do what is the best for us. The one thing we should always remember is to put ourselves first. It’s like a car…the more you neglect it, the more issues it will have. If you treat it well and take it in for oil changes, tune ups, etc, the less issues it will have and the longer it will last. Think of yourself that way…you are the car that you need to use to drive throughout your life. Your boyfriend is like a nail that keeps popping your tires, making it go flat and you get stuck on the side of the road. You coming onto this forum is your way of calling AAA for roadside assistance. Now that AAA (Laura and I) have provided some assistance, your car is able to get back on the road…it is up to you whether you want to keep driving down the road where you know there will be nails (your boyfriend) or choose a different road to new possibilities. Which one do you think your car will benefit from?

You took the biggest step to change this situation by asking the forum for help. That means you are ready to make changes for yourself.

I know the feeling of “what should I do?”…I have been in that position several times, and here is what has worked for me over the years…feel free to do this if you want:

The first thing you can do is look at yourself in the mirror (don’t worry if you’re having a good or bad hair day!) and say “I love you. You come first.”

After that, maybe write down things you would like to do with your life. Things you want to do, places you want to see, etc. Have a cup of coffee or tea while you do this. When you’re done, make sure you can see the list of things you want to do…they’re your goals in life.

Keep looking at the list…think about those things as often as you can. Imagine yourself doing these things. Keep doing it over and over, when you eat, when you go to the bathroom, when you work, when you watch tv, etc.

While you’re doing this, tell yourself you cannot control anyone but yourself. It is true, we can’t control anyone…they will do what they want/as they please. The only person we can really control is ourselves…and what that means is we can choose to do what we want, as we please. With that in mind, think about letting go of your boyfriend. Think about how it will help you reach your goals if you let go of him. Think about how it will help you become a better person if you let go of him. You are choosing LOVE…you chose to love yourself, to love life. Your boyfriend chose FEAR/HURT…he lives his life with fear/hurting others. You love him enough to let him go and find his way through life. You love yourself enough to let him go so you can be free to live a life of LOVE. You are doing all this for LOVE.

The more you think about how you’re doing all this for love, the more love will come your way.

Remember it is OK to let go of people and things. They will not disappear, they will always be there…you are just choosing not to focus your life on them/the things and letting them/the things hold you back. It opens up room for you to let in other people/more healthier things for you.

It does not matter what type of background you come from…whether it was full of abuse or not. Anyone can be in a similar situation regardless their backgrounds. It is up to THEM to get out of the situation, and they can! That means it is up to you to say “ok I have had enough of this situation…my past is in the past…right now I want to life a loving life for myself, starting today.” You keep thinking that over and over (the more you think about it, the more it happens…it’s the power of attraction/manifesting your life to be the way you want it to be).

You joined Tiny Buddha for a reason! 🙂 I come here often to help me stay on track with being in the moment, doing things out of love, etc. I believe in you…I believe you will get out of the situation you are in. There will be challenges, that is normal…you just keep moving forward. Whenever you have a challenge, come back here and read an article or talk to someone on the forum like you have!

I wish you the best of luck…remember you are not tied to your situation, you can get out of it anytime you wish…you are free to do that…and you are going to do anything you do with your life out of love, especially for yourself. Letting go of people who hurt you (and who hurt themselves) is a loving thing to do, believe it or not. He will keep doing what he’s doing to you the longer you stay with him.