Victoria,

It sounds like you have stuff you’d like to deal with so good for you. Sounds like you did the right (albeit harrowing) thing for both of you.

Ive been journaling a lot as my creative outlet but most of the time, it’s just rambling circles of nonsense! I’m glad you have a buddy to help you out, I’d be lost without my family & friends.

My anxiety did not hit as bad today but I did have a little panic attack in counselling when I spoke about my ex moving on with someone else.

Life ain’t easy sometimes, for no apparent reason. x

Anita

Thank you for being a source of care in my life whenever I need it, and challenging me.

I woke up this morning and cried alot thinking about the woman i met this time last year who ended up lying and cheating on me, because i am going on a camping trip to the same Forrest i visited with her which was also the day before i found out she had been lying. I have been thinking about this alot and ill spare you the details but ultimately im upset with myself for still missing her and wanting to care for her, because i know she is exactly what i DON’T need in my life, i dont need to be trying to save people. I did meet a woman a couple weeks ago and quickly cut it off after i realized i was attracted to her pain as she just got out of an abusive relationship. I cried for her too as i somehow felt like i was abandoning her and should have tried to help. The irony is that i met another woman that same week who im still seeing who is confident and independent yet she doesn’t give me the same feeling as someone in need, i’m even more physically attracted to her too, yet it doesn’t feel “right”

Im so tired of myself right now. Trying to find my wholeness in another person. Continuing to be attracted to the most wounded people. Wanting someone to be dependent on me so I can have a false sense of safety. I’m disgusted with myself.

I take seriously every critique you offer me, and I have been trying to become more aware as you suggest. I’ve really been trying to pay attention to what attracts/excites me, and it is 100% pain. I’m almost exclusively attracted to pain. No surprise given my childhood. What i’m struggling most with right now is trying to figure out how to change this and be attracted to health in others and myself. Also how to accept and love myself because i think this is still a problem for me as I try to heal others pain in hopes that i will receive love from them. I have been meditating, and journaling again for the past few weeks as an attempt to heighten my awareness though nothing is really jumping out at me as to what i need to change.

I’ve also been questioning if maybe my troubles continue because of a lack of self acceptance and patience. I wonder if posting on here, or trying so hard to find wholeness is actually working against me because it means i’m trying to eliminate a part of myself that will always be there, instead of treating myself with compassion while continuing to try to work on this stuff. I tend to get angry with myself for not being more compassionate towards myself.

Thank you for reading this, I know It seems like I’m not learning sometimes but I promise i am trying with all of this, im so tired of looking outside myself for answers and love.

#HeyItsJess

Thank you for your suggestion. I started journaling about my feeling and let’s see if I’m able to dig deeper the reason behind the breakup.

In response to Anita – Thank you so much for your answer, your advice and words are very reassuring to hear. I understand that thoughts are not real and that they are not dangerous but what I find difficult is making a thought less scary.

I refer to your following sentence: “We are more likely to think about something we don’t want to think about. We therefore have to stop fearing our thoughts instead of trying to not think.”

I would really appreciate some suggestions that will enable me to do this. Thanks in advance 🙂

_______________________

In response to coconut – I also want to thank you for your warm words. I appreciate that you took time out of your day to respond to my story. Luckily I do have a solid support base and I will take your advice and start journaling.

Your following sentence really empowered me and I will write this down in my journal. “You fear the fear and that’s because of your ideas you hold ABOUT the fear. Sure, it’s uncomfortable but that’s all. Thoughts are just thoughts, you have control of your own behaviour and of your own beliefs, so work on your beliefs about fear and your thoughts. You will get relief, it’s only temporary and nothing bad will happen.”

Dear Anita,

thank you. I do love to write.

Today I feel something different. I feel something light and free. I am saying this because I am journaling, not because I am making an exclamation of a change.  I am merely observing.  Today I had a day off, to myself. Unlike previous days off in my life, this was one to really rest, sink and savor. I woke up in the normal way, mentally searching for and focusing on my tasks. After I went through one or two of them, I was faced with just myself.  I observed how I felt. I felt fearful. It felt difficult to simply relax and feel comfortable and happy. I pushed a little further and asked myself why, the answer I got was the following. It seems too simple and easy just to relax and enjoy this day off. Perhaps it feels like if I do, I am missing something, or that the other shoe will drop.

So I asked myself what is the point of today? The point of the day is to be. Whether I am climbing a mountain, performing cardiac surgery, or simply sitting on my couch. It is all living. It is all valid. To live a day well spent I don’t have to prove anything, I don’t have to validate my day to someone else or more importantly myself. My day can be just that, it can be personal to me. How comforting this can be, to wake up and live however I want, just to live this day for its OWN self.  as is. Most importantly, this day does not have to be intertwined with yesterday and tomorrow. It is a standalone time. This day does not have to be a tool to prepare for tomorrow or the next week or month. It could simply be today. Based on our prior conversation, this day does not need to be dedicated to learning about the past. As there are lessons in just living today. Oh yes simply living and breathing today is learning.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.

Hi Anita,

Yes, these were my thoughts throughout our relationship. I always tried to shrug them off, thought it was just my insecurities from my past relationships, so I dug deep and try to work on myself more. Weekly therapy, books, journaling, meditating, the works.

He often spoke about his previous marriage and other failed relationships. I assumed, at our ages it was just part of it, we all had past relationship issues- some harder to heal from than others. The thing that stuck out was how he insisted that he picked/was attracted to dysfunctional women (which made me fearful of showing any sort of dysfunction). He never spoke of his accountability in these failed relationships. Which was a red flag that I chose to suppress due to his many, many other redeeming qualities and his very healthy outlook on the rest of life’s challenges.

My last words to him were “it’s not your fault, you just don’t know how to be in something with someone.” Sigh! I guess I always knew.

Jean

Anita,

Thank you for the suggestion, & as for what I’ve tried to manage my anxiety, not a whole lot as I’ve never known how to go about it & where to start. One thing I’ve done semi-frequently is talking about these issues to people I trust, i.e. my stepmom & my friends themselves.

I’ve talked about my insecurities & everything with my stepmom because she’s dealt with really difficult mental issues in the past, like OCD, lots of anxiety, & being in emotionally tolling & damaging relationships/marriages. These things for her have gotten better, she says, since she married my dad & her best friend for years now, & she says this is because of how well they communicate, how he’s as supportive & helpful as he can be, etc. Pretty much the jist of what she’s given me is that I’m just an anxious person, & that she deals with it too.

As for talking with my friends, they’ve told me that what I’m scared of happening isn’t in their plans & they’re going to be supportive, reassuring, & helping in other ways that they know how.

I’ve also lightly tried journaling, but the habit doesn’t stick with me very easily just because I’m very forgetful & it’s kind of difficult to fit things like that into my schedule consisting of school, soccer, clubs, my job, household/family duties, etc etc etc. The small length of time that I was trying to write daily, though, seemed to help me organize my thoughts like that but I haven’t seen what happens in the long term.

Like I said, I haven’t dived into this whole issue with myself a whole lot mainly because I’m clueless as to what to do & how to go about it. Your comments have been really helpful, though, so thank you.

Dear Prash,

You brought up many good points; thank you again for your help and supportive discussion.

I would not feel comfortable bringing it up – I don’t think I could ever be this vulnerable with friends I don’t get to see often. And unless we’re together at our annual meeting, they don’t really check in with me. At least they haven’t lately. As I was thinking about this, I realized that it’s really just one friend who’s been giving me the cold shoulder. Her father died earlier this year and I know she’s had some emotional burden. Although I do feel that may have something to do with it, it’s hard for me because she has obviously not ignored our other friends. I decided to suck it up and text her again today, despite her non-response the past couple of texts. She responded very technically, answering my question, but not inquiring about my plans. When I replied with what I was thinking she didn’t respond. I’m absolutely sure now that something has changed in our friendship and that she doesn’t value mine. I do remember one of our mutual friends saying the same thing a couple years ago jokingly and in passing, that she thought this friend didn’t like her anymore. Maybe she’s just got her own issues?

I will take all your great advice to heart and practice it. Look for new friendships and do more to build myself up without others and not write off friends I don’t feel are friends at this vulnerable time.

I’ve been thinking about neuroplasticity and whether I could work – via meditation, self-care, journaling  to provide myself with the emotional comforts that social connections provide. Whether that same area of the brain could be activated via self-compassion. I guess aside from my feelings of sadness about losing friends/acquaintances is a fear that the brain changes that rejection creates will change me in a negative way. I don’t want to become bitter and closed-off, the way I responded to rejection as a teenager….

Thank you again for listening! 🙂

Dear Anita,

Well his mom sure did so I really think he did too. He wanted me more than his mom and for a lot of that I was willing and able. Down side was when stuff started building up between my wife and I, he suffered as well as I was too busy pursuing her, and in turn then he would also pursue her and you can imagine the stress she felt. Putting him above all was my biggest struggle with having a child in my life. I think a lot of men could say the same, not that that makes it any better…

 I can’t disagree that most parents could do better but they are only as good as they are within themselves, and without their own growth then no, they do the best they can at that moment. We can sit and say that’s so negative and bad for the child but I think that takes away their power. But yes it really doesn’t have to be that way, you’re right and it is sad. I was harmed and have struggled with my past for many years, but I also own it. It’ll never be perfect. I do think generationally it does get better, but as individuals we have to see that change is needed within and actually do something about it.

I was never threatening towards him, no. I was worried about being my dad in that way with him but I was successful in not going there. The more time they spent together the more time I just did my own thing. (Put myself on the outside…)

This experience has been tremendous for me. Both being married to the most loving and caring women I’ve ever know, being a step dad to a really great lil man and separated from them both. Obviously I hit an all time low and to my own demise, its been my path to have to fall on my face before I really see things they way they are. I say eye opening cause I was previously doing a lot of work prior to meeting my wife, and through this have learned that our self growth and work at least for me, never really ends. When I’m reading or going to counseling, and being conscience about what I really want to change I’m more centered, it feels better, being consistent feels better. When we were together and I went to counseling it became all about what WE were going through instead of what I was bringing to the table or not. So through my wife’s difficult decision to say enough is enough. I’ve taken this the opportunity to reach out again, talk about this openly with everyone that will listen, started counseling again, started reading a lot more, even started journaling again and that’s been years. My current focuses are letting go, empathy, selflessness and remaining centered.

Regardless of the outcome of all of this, I need to do this work consistently and forgot that. Neither of us is in a hurry to get divorced as I’ve said before and I feel if my own work can save this marriage and she chooses to give me/us another chance then I’ll take it. If not I’m no worse off then I am right now and at least I’ll know in my heart that I did everything I could. I’m learning to trust & love myself and the universe and what’s meant to be, will be.

Love,

Justin

Dear Anita,

Thanks for your message. I have been practicing mindfulness by reading books, doing meditation, journaling my anxieties. I havent’t mentionned that before but I have seen a psychologist for the past three years. I have made some space for my critical inner voice so i can’t detach my real self from my antiself and ego.  I made some progress and it reflects on my relationship with this guy i am dating.

I had a great night last week but yesterday he was very distant, physically and emotionnally. I don’t know if he sees us as just casual dating or if he has difficulties to engage in a love relationship. I know I am fearful avoidant, so when the other person withdraws, I tend to withdraw too, I am afraid of asking what is happening because I don’t know if I see things that have no ground in reality and caused by my insecurities or not.And when I am in this state, I find it very difficult to deactivate this mode, to do all the things that I do to be mindful, I just feel very tired emotionnally to fight the critical inner voice and insecurities.

Helen