How do you respond when a child makes a mistake? Do you respond differently when it’s an adult?
(This challenge comes from the upcoming book Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges. Pre-order before October 6th and get $300+ in free bonus gifts!)
TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of physical abuse and may be triggering to some people.
“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” ~Marianne Williamson
Growing up in the seventies and eighties with Italian immigrant parents definitely had its challenges. In a family of four girls, I was number three. That in itself was tough enough. Never as good as the first-born and not as loved and protected as the baby. Yes, it …
“All the suffering, stress, and addiction comes from not realizing you already are what you are looking for.” ~Jon Kabat-Zinn
I’m currently obsessed with Orange is the New Black. As a binge TV watcher, I find dramas at least three seasons long and watch them like a prisoner eating a box of contraband donuts. I’m glued to the iPad in every spare moment, while I cook, exercise, or eat.
Then it’s over. And all I have left are wasted hours and a tidal wave of guilt. I always make the same promise to myself—no more binge watching.
I punish …
“We can judge others or we can love others, but we can’t do both at the same time.” ~Unknown
When I was eighteen, my father took his own life. I was just a baby, really, a mere freshman working on my Bachelors Degree at UMF.
There are times when I feel lost in the pain of missing him, stuck with this empty hole inside. Hovering in between confusion and anger, where the feelings consume me.
Losing my father in such a traumatic way has shown me just how deeply I can feel, how hard I can fall, how grief …
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” ~Nelson Mandela
Has anger ever filled you up so completely that you felt you’d explode?
Two months after I had a baby I suddenly found myself inextricably angry. Yes, I felt the joy and happy stuff that everyone tells you about.
But having a daughter also triggered a flash flood of buried anger, blame, and resentment. And it was all directed to one person—my mother.
A therapist told me once that my mother had “verbally abused” me. That launched a fifteen-year process of rehashing and blaming my …
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~Plato
By all standard definitions, I used to be an energy vampire. I lived in my own self-created drama, prone to rages, complaints, and self-pity. I exhausted the people around me and played games of control, superiority, and victimhood.
I’ve heard this bundle of behaviors called a “personality type,” and I think that is as obscene as saying that a hungry person has a “Hungry Personality Type.”
An energy vampire, by definition, is someone who cannot create or sustain their own positive energy, so they take it from …
“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.” ~Pema Chodron
Growing up, my family ate dinner together nearly every night. It was a given. My mom also created a tradition called “go around the table,” in which everyone in my family would take turns sharing the details of our day.
I often think back on this memory with awe at the impact this simple yet profound activity has had on my life.
While I do not yet have a family, I have introduced “go around the table” to friends at dinner parties …
“Relationships are about two individuals who maintain their own lives and create another one together.” ~Unknown
I’ve never been one to casually date because I believe in the storybook romance of a whimsical love that withstands all odds.
I blame this on my parents who met as teenagers and have maintained their marriage through both triumphs and hardships. Because of this, I always believed that my first love was going to be my forever.
However, about a year ago I had to let go of the love of my life. He was my high-school sweetheart, and as we grew …
“Humbleness, forgiveness, clarity and love are the dynamics of freedom. They are the foundations of authentic power.” ~Gary Zukav
It was a little after 9:00 PM when my mother’s next-door neighbor called upset, hysterical even. Within seconds of hearing her voice, I knew something wasn’t right.
I was getting one of those calls that everyone dreads. Deep breath. She said that my mother had been brutally attacked and had been taken to the hospital.
Breathe Leslie.
“What happened?” I asked in my calmest voice, trying hard to listen and not react. “Where is she? What hospital?”
A family friend had …
“When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.” ~Wayne Dyer
I’ve always been judgmental. I will judge someone else’s buying habits, looks, grammar, or political beliefs and get some perverse pleasure in it. It’s very painful for me to admit that.
You see, I strive to be kind and compassionate toward myself and toward others. That’s why I have turned much of my personal development focus this year to letting go of judgments.
When I first started seeing a therapist, in college, we spent quite a bit of time talking about a particular family member …
“Judgments prevent us from seeing the good that lies beyond appearances.” ~Wayne Dyer
When I first took up meditation, sitting with my thoughts didn’t come naturally. At the time, I was going through a divorce and was often anxious and stressed out. It took months, but I kept trying, and after a while I looked forward to my daily sit.
In my meditation group, I learned a classic method for generating compassion and equanimity. I tried holding images in my mind of a friend, an enemy, and a stranger.
The idea was to view each one without judgment or preference, …
If your brain is very unhappy, like Brody, who’s full of fear and self-doubt, take a few minutes to watch this cute little video. Happiness can be quite simple when we learn how to train our brain.
“Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.” ~Charles Dickens
All of us have been hurt or angered by someone’s words at some point. Some words are blatantly cruel, and others are deceptive, appearing to be in our best interest but only ever leading us astray. These are the messages that leave us questioning who we are or how we should be.
I’ve been labeled timid and stuck-up. Speak up more, but stop interrupting. Be more assertive, but don’t complain. Be more outgoing, but be authentic.
I’ve been called …
“No one is useless in the world who lightens the burdens of another.” ~Charles Dickens
A few years back, I saw a sticker that read, “Be the change you wish to see in the world. –Gandhi.”
My knee-jerk reaction was annoyance because the sticker was affixed to the bumper of a car that turned left in front of me. I was in the middle of a long stretch of bad days, so pretty much anything would have set me off.
My search for happiness during that bleak period seemed fruitless, most likely because I didn’t know that happiness is not …
“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” ~Henry James
Some lessons you learn once, and they last a lifetime.
I loved to bake as a child, and one day I put a bowl of batter in the microwave with the metal whisk I was using to stir it. A minute later, I pulled the bowl out of the microwave and grabbed the hot metal whisk with my bare hand.
When I think about it, I can still feel the burn from …
“Let go of your attachment to being right and suddenly your mind is more open.” ~Ralph Marston
When we face a conflict we face an opportunity to learn from pain. It’s like putting your hand against a hot burner on the stove. The burn warns that you have to do something differently.
You pull your hand back reflexively and you don’t touch the stove again. You’ve learned. As with the hot stove, if we get the lesson that is in front of us, we don’t need to keep repeating that particular pain.
Inconveniently, our natural inclination when we feel the …
“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.” ~Pema Chodron
In May 2012, I was appointed guardian and conservator of my father, and my brother was appointed co-guardian. Our father was declared mentally incompetent by the county court.
My father was, and is, an alcoholic. When I was growing up, he was an abusive alcoholic. He gave out wounds like gifts. He used words to cut us open, and then he threatened us with salt.
I lived in hypervigilance, and I learned that being alone, quiet, and invisible was the safest state …
“Taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them.” ~Byron Katie
“Alright, it’s time to break into groups,” said the professor.
Immediately, I thought, “I hate group work. I can’t trust other students.” Before even meeting the other members of the group, I was sabotaging the opportunity with negativity.
How often do you do this?
The six of us waited, looking at each other with blank faces.
“Okay, now it’s time to pick a group leader,” said the professor. “Each group will be assigned a psychologist to present his or her major contributions to psychology. …
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” ~Mahatma Gandhi
You know how you can remember exactly when you found out that Michael Jackson died? I think it’s called flashbulb memory. It’s when something traumatic happens and because of that, you remember everything else that was occurring at the time. I was on a bus in Santorini after watching an amazing sunset in Oia.
The day I found out my boyfriend was dying was just like that, but worse. I remember everything.
Let me digress.
We spent the week leading up to …
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou
Today as I walked down a trendy suburban street heading to an appointment, my phone rang. I was not having the best of days.
I was walking past chic cafes and designer shops displaying tempting wares. However, having been laid off for the second time in two years, with a mortgage to pay and months without an income, these trivial symbols of indulgence were almost too much to bear.
Over the past two years, I have felt …
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