Posts tagged with “hurt”
The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth
“You only see in others what you have in yourself.” ~Annette Noontil
I now recognize, after observing painful patterns repeat many times, how things that trigger me are just lessons I need to learn that are often delivered through other people. The more painful the experience, the more I can see (in retrospect) I learned from it.
Every now and then, when I find myself getting sucked into thoughts about the rightness or wrongness of a situation and how much pain it’s causing me, I take a step backward. I can see that people are just the mechanism to my …
How to Free Yourself from Your Spiritual Drama
“You have no friends. You have no enemies. You only have teachers.” ~Ancient Proverb
My very wise aunt, a talented psychotherapist and one of my spiritual teachers, has told me many times that the people, places, and things that trigger us are just “props in our spiritual drama.”
This phrase has stuck with me for years because it’s catchy and it rings so true to me. If we are struggling, it’s not a matter of the external force, it’s about what it provokes in us.
We don’t heal by trying to change others. We heal through breaking cycles; through knowing …
How I’m Healing the Vulnerable, Rejected Kid Inside Me
“In case no one told you today: You’re beautiful. You’re loved. You’re needed. You’re alive for a reason. You’re stronger than you think. You’re going to get through this. I’m glad you’re alive. Don’t give up.” ~Unknown
I was fourteen years old and it was a holiday of firsts: my first holiday away from my family with my school and my first holiday abroad, where I had my first real crush.
For the two weeks I was away, I was caught up in a flirtation with a boy from one of the other schools. I had to pinch myself when …
How I Learned to Trust Others by Learning to Trust Myself
“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.” ~Frank Crane
I’ve had trust issues for as long as I can remember, but didn’t realize it until after my divorce.
Divorce can be a traumatic experience, and in this case, it made me begin to take stock of my life. I began to reflect on my failed romantic relationships and why this was a repeat pattern for me.
I realized then that I never let people in for fear they will let me down, belittle or make me feel …
This Weekend I Fell Apart, and That’s Okay
“Look for something positive each day, even if some days you have to look a little harder.” ~Unknown
This weekend I hurt more than I have in a very long time.
It all started on Friday, when my boyfriend and I headed out to spend the weekend with friends—two couples, both with babies in tow.
I’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, to get pregnant since the start of the year, yet I didn’t anticipate that it would be emotionally taxing for me to be around two little families. I was just excited to see our friends, who live in the Bay Area, …
The Most Compassionate Words and How They Heal
“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ~Dalai Lama.
It wasn’t until my mother died that I was able to feel her love and have that mother-daughter relationship that I’d been craving all my life. It was not until she died that I was able to learn, and truly feel, compassion—for her and for me.
I’ve always known that compassion for others is a nice thing. We all know that. But it wasn’t until I truly felt it that I was able to create a deep sense of healing.
My mum and I always had …
The Problem with Forgiveness and What I Now Do Instead
“Change is the end result of all true learning.” ~Leo Buscaglia
I cringe writing this. I have eaten so much humble pie that my pants don’t fit. This was a really hard lesson to learn.
I had a forgiveness problem.
When I was a kid, I learned to say sorry when I messed up and forgive other people when they did. With three sisters all two years apart, I got plenty of practice in as a kid (we all did).
It was a pretty standard routine:
1. Someone would mess up—say something horrible, lose something, break something, or hit someone.…
Why Anger Isn’t “Bad” and How I Learned to Hear Its Hidden Message
“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” ~Maya Angelou
I’ve always had a complex relationship with anger.
When I was young, I used to think I was somehow above anger. I would brag to people that I never got mad. Sure, I’d admit, I hated some people, but at least I wasn’t angry.
When I began therapy in my mid-twenties to deal with persistent depression and panic attacks, I started to see the feebleness of that particular story. I did get angry, it turned out, quite …
License to Hurt: What We Really Need When We’re in Pain
“We’ll light the candle together when she’s ready. For now I’ll trust the darkness for us both.” ~Terri St. Cloud
Over breakfast one morning recently, Jeff and I started reminiscing about past years, and something was said that brought back a painful memory for me. My boss at the time had been unimaginably small-minded. He had hung me out to dry. “I still can’t understand why he did that,” I said.
Jeff looked at me levelly. “You need to get over it, Jan,” he said. “It was years ago.”
Wise advice, without question. The only problem was that I didn’t …
How I Forgave What I Couldn’t Forget
“Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that their behavior was ‘OK.’ What it does mean is that we’re ready to move on. To release the heavy weight. To shape our own life, on our terms, without any unnecessary burdens. Forgiveness is pure freedom—and forgiveness is a choice.” ~Dr. Suzanne Gelb
I remember the feeling of blood rushing through my veins, my head pounding, and my heart beating faster. Every time I remembered what happened, I either cried or felt a wave of depression. This guy was someone who’d hurt me in a way that I never thought would happen. His deeds …
Overcoming Self-Sabotage: How to Stop Attracting Pain
“Life will bring you pain all by itself. Your responsibility is to create joy.” ~Milton Erickson
Sometimes, there comes a point in our lives when we need to let go of something painful, whether its guilt or a toxic relationship, but it’s equally difficult to let go and hard to live without. So we get uncomfortably stuck in the middle of two realities: where we are and where we want to be.
But do we really want to let go of the pain? Or is letting go so scary and unfamiliar that we’d rather hold onto it?
I’ve always …
Break the Cycle: How to Stop Hurting Others When You Were Mistreated
“What’s broken can be mended. What hurts can be healed. And no matter how dark it gets, the sun is going to rise again.” ~Unknown
I grew up with difficult and hurtful parents who spoke critically, with the intent to demean.
Each word of sarcasm, each thinly veiled joke or put-down undercut my self-esteem. Each knocked me down a rung in life and kept me from my potential.
Rampant comparisons to other Indian kids succeeding academically, attacks of my mediocre performance at school, and harsh language were my mother’s weapons of choice.
When someone attacks your self-esteem repeatedly, you …
You Never Know How Much Time You Have, So Forgive While You Can
“Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.” ~Corrie ten Boom
I sat next to my stepmother Elaine in her hospital room. I was thirteen. We’d met six years prior as she took a stepmother’s role and had a strained relationship and didn’t speak to each other for parts of it.
Elaine was facing terminal brain cancer. So far she had kept herself together and composed, remaining strong on the outside. I was trying my hardest to do the same for her.
It had all started back when I was seven and my dad took …
An Open Letter To My Bullies: Thank You For Making Me Strong
“The heart is like a garden: it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?” ~Jack Kornfield
Dear Bullies,
To be honest, I didn’t think I would ever write you a letter. As far as I was concerned, the amount of suffering I went through during my school years was enough to make me bitter.
I didn’t forgive you, and I most certainly wasn’t about to forget.
I remember those years like it was yesterday—the cruel name calling; the scrutinizing of how I looked, what I said, and what I did; the public …
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