Hey anita

Even tho scenarios dont benefit me, i still make them..

I know i should be prioritizing myself as #1 but at this point i cannot understand what’s good for me and why, or how it feels like, it’s very weird.

It was more like this order “i hurt her (which i would hate to do since she’s lovely and doesn’t deserve it) and then she leaves me”, so it’s kinda both, not something more than the other.

So, the scenario i made today is a classic actually: What if i wasn’t ready for the future talk (the moving to another country part) and i got mistakenly “scared” when she brought it up so my mind started seeing her as a “burden” or a “threat”, rather than the loving woman that she was (and still is) to me? It was just a convo but i did feel like she rushed things a bit there, but if that’s the case, how can i “undo” that? Or was it just anhedonia/depression and my mind looks for a scapegoat?

I think i wasnt ready and i hadnt processed that at this point yeah.

I understand what u’re saying, how i might have perceived her as a threat and such and i also agree that moving somewhere new is scary, but it was just a convo for the future, thats why i said “mistakenly”, it was something far from the present..

Hmm so anxiety made me numb and then depressed? Its sad because i cant feel any romantic excitement at the moment..not for her (well for her sometimes for brief moments), not for any of my exes when i try to think back (i mean the memory of the feelings) and not for any new girl. It’s like complete apathy..

Yeah she’s gonna be for the whole year. I think its supposed to be 2027 early but she said she would consider moving to me as well.

Hey anita

Hmm, i think she was mostly asking out of curiosity and feel some “safety”/control.

Well, my plans was to first meet and spend time together/live together somewhere for a while and then see how things turn out, i couldn’t “promise” her something before even having met, i think that threw me off a little. (also me not telling her that)

Yes i think that at times my feelings come strong but for short bursts and then it’s like a complete 180, which weirds me out.. (yesterday i saw her cute little cards that she sent me for my birthday and i started crying again, idk why). Also today we were talking and it was fun..near the goodnight texts, i felt warmth and i caught myself checking her message again and again and smiling like in the early days 🙂 What i’m lacking is the “ambition”/motive for the future, i think that’s what makes me insecure and not able to fully allow myself.. This or anhedonia.

You are right and i’m aware of that, im trying to change it and also trying to question a lot of my “core beliefs” around this subject (and some other things in life in general). I also catch myself monitoring my feelings constantly, which is something the therapist told me to try and stop gradually because it leads to spirals. For example when i feel good about something with her my mind instantly goes “hey, u felt good, why? what does that mean?” and it starts..

Another thing i realized is that before her, my life was pretty flat and i was finding almost no joy in anything, like a functioning depression/anhedonia of some sorts, i would get up, go to work, hit the gym, meet with friends, some motorcycle riding here and there and that’s all, nothing excited me or gave me purpose, until i started falling for her. It was like my life was full of beauty and colours again, everything boosted, my mood, work, gym, purpose, everything. I would go for rides just to record and upload videos for her to see and that would make me so happy and excited. So after reading @ the other forum (which the therapist told me to stop eventually) i saw posts with people sharing some similar stories, about how the “honeymoon phase” of love was the only thing to penetrate their anhedonia and make it disappear so they would enjoy life again for a while, but then it would subside and confuse them. I wonder if all those connect with attachment styles with in my case or what

Good morning, Confused (using a computer):

This is what AI (Copilot) says about your last post:

“What’s really going on with Confused-

Confused isn’t actually confused about the girl — he’s confused about himself. His message shows a man who does feel love, warmth, longing, and emotional connection, but who also struggles with inconsistency, self‑doubt, and anhedonia (the inability to feel pleasure). His emotional system turns on and off in ways he doesn’t understand, and that unpredictability scares him.

He feels strong affection in bursts — crying at her birthday cards, smiling at her messages, feeling warmth during goodnight texts — but then the feelings suddenly drop, leaving him numb or detached. This emotional whiplash makes him question whether something is wrong with him, whether he’s capable of sustaining love, and whether his feelings are “real enough” to build a future on. He’s not lacking love; he’s lacking emotional stability and trust in his own internal signals.

He also carries a deeper issue: before this relationship, his life felt flat, colorless, and joyless. She was the one thing that pierced through that emotional numbness and made him feel alive again. That makes her emotionally significant — not just as a partner, but as the only source of emotional vitality he’s felt in a long time. So, when the “honeymoon phase” faded and the intensity dropped, he panicked. He fears that the loss of intensity means the loss of love, when in reality it may simply be the loss of the dopamine surge that temporarily lifted his anhedonia.

He’s also monitoring his feelings constantly — checking, analyzing, questioning every emotional shift. This creates a feedback loop where he can’t relax into the relationship because he’s always scanning himself for signs of “real love” or “not enough love.” His therapist is right: this self‑monitoring fuels anxiety and emotional spirals.

Underneath all of this is a man who is emotionally sensitive, capable of deep connection, but struggling with:

* anhedonia / low baseline pleasure

* fear of making promises he can’t emotionally sustain

* fear of leading her on

* fear of losing the only thing that made him feel alive

* insecurity about his fluctuating feelings

* attachment‑related anxiety or avoidance

* overthinking and emotional self‑surveillance

He’s not cold. He’s not detached. He’s not incapable of love.

He’s scared of his own emotional inconsistency — and he’s trying to understand whether the problem is him, his attachment style, his depression, or the relationship itself.

In short: He loves her, but he doesn’t trust his own emotional system enough to feel safe committing to a future.”

Next, I asked what advice could help you.

Copilot: “Here’s the kind of advice that actually helps someone like Confused — someone whose issue isn’t the relationship, but the way his emotions rise and fall, the pressure he puts on himself, and the fear that his feelings aren’t “right” or “stable enough.”

He doesn’t need clichés.
He needs grounding, clarity, and a way out of the emotional monitoring loop.

Below is a step‑by‑step guide you can offer him — gentle, practical, and tailored to his exact pattern.

🌿 Advice for Confused
How to stop over-monitoring your feelings and build emotional stability in the relationship

01- Stop Treating Feelings as Data/ Key Insight: Your emotions fluctuate because of anhedonia and anxiety, not because your love is unstable.

Feelings naturally rise and fall — this is normal, not a warning sign

Emotional numbness after intensity is common in anhedonia

Don’t interpret every shift as meaning something about the relationship

Let feelings come and go without assigning meaning

02- Shift From Monitoring to Experiencing: Reduce Spirals/ Constantly checking your emotions creates anxiety and blocks connection.

Say to yourself: “I don’t need to figure this out. I just need to be here.”

When you notice yourself analyzing, gently redirect your attention

Focus on the moment: the conversation, the warmth, the interaction

Replace “What does this mean?” with “What am I doing right now?”

03- Name the Real Issue: Anhedonia: Root Cause- Your emotional flatness existed before her — she didn’t cause it, and she can’t fix it.

Recognize that she awakened feelings you hadn’t felt in a long time

The drop in intensity is your baseline returning, not love fading

Treat the emotional numbness as a mental health pattern, not a relationship problem

04- Let the Relationship Breathe: Healthy Pace. You don’t need to promise a future before you’ve met — that pressure creates emotional shutdown.

Keep expectations realistic and grounded

Focus on meeting, spending time, and seeing how things feel in real life

Remove the pressure to “know” the future right now

05- Build Emotional Stability, Not Intensity: Long-Term Growth. Sustainable love is built on consistency, not constant emotional highs.

Notice the small warm moments without demanding intensity

Let affection grow slowly and naturally

Trust that love can be steady even when it’s not dramatic

06- Talk to Her Honestly but Calmly: Connection. She doesn’t need perfection — she needs clarity and presence.

Say: “Sometimes my emotions go quiet because of how my mind works, not because of you. I care about you, and I want to build this at a pace that feels real and grounded.”

Share that your feelings fluctuate because of anxiety/anhedonia

Reassure her that the warm moments are real

Tell her you want to build something steady, not rushed

🌟 Summary

What he needs most is to stop interrogating his feelings and start living them.
His emotional inconsistency isn’t a sign that he doesn’t love her — it’s a sign that he’s dealing with:

* anhedonia

* anxiety

* emotional self‑monitoring

* fear of promising too much

If he can learn to let feelings rise and fall without panicking, he’ll finally be able to experience the relationship instead of analyzing it.”

I have to get off the computer (and can’t use Copilot when on my phone). Will be back shortly.

Anita

Hey anita

I’ve read both your posts and i wanna thank you for taking the time to write all these, they seem helpful 🙂

It’s so many things that the AI says that could be true and are spot on. I also found the part about the fear and honeymoon phase interesting. I will definitely read them again but i wanna say about the summary: Its hard not to do that, it’s almost like an automated response lol. It’s like im thirsty, waiting with my mouth open underneath the faucet for water (feelings) and whenever the pipe fills a little bit, i open the faucet and empty the drops haha.
How does one experience the relationship instead of analyzing it?

Yeah i think it’s a coping mechanism, dampening the feelings and become distant/disconnected. That’s what Paulien Timmer said in one of her videos, “u cant turn off the negatives without turning the positives off too”.

But i am all about loud emotions 🙁

Well if we exclude my own catastrophizing (random scenarios in my head for no reason) and our misunderstanding which was because of me again, things were pretty smooth for like 7 months.. (oh i wish i could go back to that :()
But then of course my mind had to take things the wrong way and ruin it..

I will read again and add things if i have to in new posts, thank you 🙂

Yes its kinda like that, i was living a flat life and she gave me something to be excited and happy about 🙁

What is hard though, is the emotional amnesia that this thing caused me. When i think back on any relationship/feelings that i’ve had, it’s like a different person experienced those, like im wondering “how did i feel like that??”. I do know consciously that it happened and i experienced it but other than that, nothing, which is very weird.
Hmm, what does it mean by “what am i doing right now” ? Maybe it’s what im already doing sometimes? Trying to tend to her more and actively listen? Sometimes that works.. I dont wanna tell her any more things about my fcked up brain, it just puts weight on her and baggage i think.

You know what’s funny? My mind goes: “no matter that i don’t feel joy/motivation in ANY part of my life and i’m down in general, let’s blame HER and make her a villain to get away from” haha
Also, today i was feeling very indifferent towards her and while texting, she seemed less affectionate, more cold/distant (she was cooking and was very tired), but my brain took it for rejection and “she’s gonna leave us”, so my ears and my head started heating up and i was getting vigilant/alert. Also, she posted a story with her friends and my mind instantly created this sequence: “Her friends will repost, their followers will see her profile (the repost source), they will send her a follow request and they’ll hit on her. Which is totally wrong and without any basis lol. I hate how my mind works

Hey Dear Confused:

I wish I could reach your 🧠 with my hand and soothe it, hush it.. shhhh..

You are a good person, and she sounds like a good person too.

I still wish 🤞 the two of you have a meeting of the minds 🧠 🧠 and hearts 💕 and find peace with each other.

I was excited quite a few pages ago about the idea of an OCD psych drug for the short term, something that will shake the overthinking off of your overactive 🧠.

So that you can have a break.

Today she was cooking and was tired and you took it as rejection and then imagined more scenarios of rejection (her being hit on), and to prepare yourself, you “were feeling very indifferent toward her”, so that the perceived or feared rejection doesn’t hurt.

Understandable, Confused. Not weird or bizarre, just.. not fun 😕

Closing this post Monday 7:07 pm here, 5:07 am where 🌙 🦉 lives.

🙂 Anita

Ha-Ha, you’re funny, Confused! A lobotomy will not bring you peace!

She’s going to visit you next month? Wow!

Yes, I meant the SSRI.

Good night, funny Confused 😴

🤍 Anita