Dear Anita,

Good Morning.

I thought about this concept of luck over night yesterday, and this morning on my commute.

I am not unlucky.

But I act that way.

Yes, it is unfortunate and perhaps unlucky to have had a mother like mine.  Randomness, unpredictable, unchangeable.

But unlucky – am I? no.

Yet, I live my life as though I am.  TDW way of life, if it is over there, it is surely better than what is here.  I have improved in that manner.  Yet, focusing on the negativity of others is in fact perpetuating this cycle.

Focusing on how bad people are, evil, etc etc.  That is in fact taking away focus on how good my life indeed is, and dare I say it:

how lucky I am.

—–

To shift gears slightly and utilize this concept in regards to my husband…

Let’s say you say to me: CC, your only job over the next few months is to help and support your husband to heal.  NOT because you damaged him alone, but because you are his partner, and he needs your love and support.

I say okay.

Yet, everywhere I go, and in everything I do, whether it is a wedding, grocery shopping, work, the subway – I am occupied by negative thoughts about other people.  People who act with injustice, people who are unaware, people who are irritating, people who are arrogant.  Whatever it may be.  Endless commentary about this.

So when I arrive home, the predominant thought in my mind is: others.  And bad things about others.

I now spew this out onto him constantly.  I could be making dinner and he comes in, and I may have a thought about how there isn’t enough time in the day- but others have it.

We could be running in the park, and I could look at a family and think, oh look at how important it is to have quality family time, do I have that?

I could be at the grocery store, and see someone only buying the groceries for that evening, and I will think – that is so nice and fresh! I wish I had time to do this.

Wishing this, wanting that.  This way is not good enough, I want ANOTHER way.

It will be very important for me, for my own healing, and that to support my husband – for me to not occupy myself on how we suffer in comparison to others.  What would be more ideal for us.

That isn’t the case right now, I must accept it.  But in the future, and very near future, things may change.

And in fact, our life is good right now.  Location, my job.  Our limited, but quality free time with the dog.  My husband’s job does tremendously affect the whole picture – but that is not forever.

I must sink into life as it is now.

It is anger about the injustice of life that your mother presented to you in your formative years, and that anger has been formed in your many neuropathways.

 anger at the injustice of being unlucky while other people are lucky.

there is a yet to be resolved issue- injustice. And anger fuels the search for justice.

Can you define luck as you understood it from early on, in a stream of consciousness way, maybe?

The above bolded, I have my work cut out for me.  Resolving the issue that remains.  I will go with a stream of consciousness now..

Luck is to be happy, to have good people in life, and to be able to enjoy.  It is to not be lonely and to have caring authentic people that support you.  Luck is having things be light, not heavy.  Luck being that everything isn’t so hard, it means you wake up and live your life and you are happy as is, it isn’t a struggle.  luck is just being yourself and being fine with it, and everything else around also falls into place

describe what good mother looks like, sounds like in the setting of the young girl, Cali Chica, at home, at the dinner table maybe or in the living room while mother and father are at home, in the living room as well, (choose the setting in the home)?

a good mom is nice, when you look at her face she has good sweet eyes.  she doesnt always yell.  when we eat dinner together we are all happy, and we feel good together. at dinner time we tell nice stories together

in the living room we have fun and laugh, maybe we watch a movie together and everyone is relaxed, not getting mad and yelling or saying how bad everything is. they have a good soft face and smiling eyes.

at night time before we go to sleep maybe we watch tv together, it is fun, or we talk about some fun stories.  everyone likes to do that together and mom and dad are not mad at each other

Dear Anita,

Luck is – being comfy, cozy and kind. Feeling okay.

Luck is feeling good and okay and safe.

Children need to feel safe. Children need to see their parents calm so to be calm themselves. Children need to see their parents content so to be  content themselves.

And when this is not the reality of the child, the child is anxious and angry and that anxiety and anger lasts a lifetime.

 I see how scared you are, I see how angry you are. I know you feel badly, I know you don’t feel okay. And I know why you don’t feel okay, it is understandable.

Fun times were fueled by life force, and just so happened, NOT by any means because my mom had good back then, or that life was indeed good back then, that I was lucky or safe back then.

Interesting point, and I think that is so key.  So key, and perhaps we have talked about this many times before, but only today we will say this is the work.

Go back, and see reality not nostalgia.  See the poor, unsafe, scared, hurt child that was indeed – unlucky.

I will start there.  Reach that child.  I will…In my next post I will write some stream of consciousness

Dear Anita,

I will reach that child.  In fact, this is the next step of the journey.  Yes I brought up my husband as the predominant “issue” or “worry” at this time.  But it is this.  This is everything – the work we will do here about this.

Interesting point about the real-life experience THEN, is my current life experience NOW. 

Life then was no different.

I will use the following prompt to access the young Cali Chica who was in fact unlucky:

 I see how scared you are, I see how angry you are. I know you feel badly, I know you don’t feel okay. And I know why you don’t feel okay, it is understandable.

It is not right that I was born into a world where everything was wrong and bad BEFORE I even took a breath into this world.  Even before I was born there was sadness and badness, so when I was born – I was born into that.  No chance for otherwise.  And how interesting the struggle to constantly constantly keep my head above water, see the good, try to focus on the good times.  There weren’t any.  I was born into bad.

My mother felt unlucky in her child and had distress, it was false that her childhood was picture perfect, a fairy princess dancing around and then all of a sudden dethroned and thrown down.  No, it was bad to begin with.  I mean, look at my grandmother.  She committed suicide years later – was my mother born into a state of calm and happy? NOPE

So was she calm and happy? NOPE

Did she push forth calm and happy? NOPE

So here goes:

Dear young Cali Chica,

I am sorry to break it to you, but life is not going to be easy for you.  You are being born into disharmony.  A child needs happiness to feel happy.  Calm to feel calm.  Safety to feel safe.  You have none of that.  I am sorry for you, I truly am.  I wish you were born into different circumstances – but you are not.  It is a shame.  It is unlucky.

Now I see you Cali Chica at the playground, it is kindergarten or first grade.  You seem sad or scared to be without your mom.  Well Cali Chica, I know you feel close to your mom, but the reason you feel sad everyday is also because of your mom.  As I told you when you were just born, you were born into unlucky circumstances.  So now you rely on your mother and think of the world of her, – but she is not good.  A real mother protects her daughter, makes her feel good, calm, safe, happy.  Your mother goes out of her way to shake you mentally, to scare you, to remind you the world is bad – not good.  She wants to make sure you are not happy – she wants you to share her burden.  How dare you be innocent and happy, while she suffers.  She thinks you are born to lessen her burden. So that is why you feel uneasy a lot.  It is not because you are close to your mom, and that you are attached to her – it is that you have been uneasy since the day you were born.  It is like a sleeping calm sweet child taken b y a mother ever 15 mins and shaken.  Shaken baby syndrome.

What a way to develop, shaken – inside to out…

Dear Anita,

fix the injustice, ROAR, make the bad – good – keep on keep on trying.

Let’s continue…

Here’s more soc/stream of consciousness

given that you are born into this bad/unlucky – you will have a hard time.  it is not because I think it, I know it.  It is objective and true.  You will try and try and try with all your might, but it will be hard.

See, you have some happy times – you laugh and have fun, you do have some good memories and fun times at present – but the reality, cold, harsh, truth about your life is that it is sad.  Sad because you were born into it  – I keep reiterating it, because it is hard to believe.  But it is true.

Hard to believe, because you had nothing to do with this, it was not up to you – it is random or fate – or whatever.

Now, you will perhaps spend a lot of your life trying to fight this bad, saying NO I will not accept it, see things are good.  Showing your mother this, showing yourself this.  But will you believe it? Probably not.  Because it is not true.

Maybe you should know that you don’t need to try anymore.  Accept what it is.  Maybe one day you can feel different, but the reality of what you were born into has to be accepted first.

I am going to add more.

It is important that YOU did not do anything to get this bad luck birth, to be born into this.

Your mother said often, our luck is bad, and we had a bad birth.  Well she is right, but she told you in the wrong way – she is responsible for perpetuating any badness onto you.  She was fully responsible, she had the ability to protect you and make you feel good/safe/happy/secure – hence lucky – but she did not.

You had this bad luck solely because of her.

You did nothing wrong, but that does not mean the reality is any easier to swallow.  As you grew you focused on good that happened, just like your mother focused on all of the good in her childhood in India.  She left out bad, or injustice, or negativity her parents put on her.  Just like you do/will.  It is more about noticing the reality of it.  You didn’t cause it.

It is your reality to be unlucky.

Change the narrative, accept the unluckiness – then slowly slowly you can begin to feel : good/okay/safe one day.