Please help me.

I’m unsure of where to start i posted this in my own thread too but I want to give context before you judge me as a fuckboy. I want your help after reading a few posts on this thread. You appear to be full of insight and wisdom. When I was younger I was always the misfit, teased and continued to be an awkward teen. I’ve never really felt good enough but I had two things going for me; my humour and my height. When my glow up half happened, the humour was the weapon that got me in with the cool crowds and I met and fell in love with A over a period of 4 years, but A dumped me for my ex best friend. This relationship really damaged me I lost two people I loved and because I really loved A with purity as she was my first, I ended up really broken and coped badly with the breakup. All the feelings of inadequacies as a child began to haunt me again. It wasn’t until my bro got seriously ill that i began to come back to reality and realised life was short but I think I realise now, I’ve also been listening to really bad advice too, from my mates who told me to get out there again and screw over every woman as basically revenge for what A did or to forget the feelings. Instead what I needed was closure and time to myself to work through the feelings of falling in love for the first time and having my planned future with her shattered.

I’ll admit I’m a red blooded male. Since trying to move on from A, I went on loads of dates but fast forward to when I met this woman who I’m going to call B, to be honest when I first met her I was driven by my desires she was super fit and hot. She had the physique of a model and I got excited by the chase and her showing interest in me.

I categorised her with most women I’d met who took me for granted before because they were good looking. They all would give affection to the average guy=me and in exchange would want goods or gifts. I treated her with that intention I’d get what I’d want a bit of attention, boost my ego and she’d benefit with a new handbag.

But B unlike most women was nothing like that, she was attractive and downplayed her appeal. She was not willing to give it up for just anyone and certainly didn’t ask for any type of exchange. Maybe it was the ego or the challenge but she drew me in.

As I got drawn in I ended up bonding with her and sharing things I had not with a woman since A. B was so giving and emotionally supportive, the way she helped when my brother nearly died etc. was remarkable for someone I had not known very long. She made me feel alive again and believe in myself, she gave me confidence.The more I got to know her I realised B had it all, her personality was top notch too.

That’s when I don’t understand what happened. Maybe the bad advice from mates but I royally cocked it up.

I started to feel something deeper for B and it was the first time I had felt real feelings since A. But I kept shutting the feelings down by countering them with thinking she was too good to be true, I also felt inadequate compared to her due to how broken I was from my ex. It made me believe she deserved someone better,  she would leave like A and with her not sleeping with me it made me feel further butthurt too. I just felt she was withholding because she didn’t really want or desire me in the same way I desired her. So I became manipulative and felt a need to control things to feel more in power. I would be attentive then ignore her. I don’t know why I just couldn’t shake the feeling she was making a fool of me, after something or would hurt me. The lads convinced me (probably based on how I was presenting to them with my skewed thoughts) that she was just playing games with my feelings and had no intention of being with me longterm. I began to believe she was sticking with someone as average as me by virtue of pity so I hurt her.

I told her I didn’t want to see her anymore and I even told her I had never been that interested in her in the first place. She tried to reassure me but i began treating her with contempt and she walked away.

To my messed up head it just confirmed my fears she would leave. I couldn’t see it for what it was a woman who was loyal but not willing to take crap treatment from anyone. When she left, nobody has ever been that kind and graceful to me when parting, even when knowing I was the dick.

I justified it in my head that she had plenty of attention and was out of my league she knew herself, was hot, great career so it wouldn’t affect her in anyway. I thought I was doing the best thing to protect myself and my ego when I treated her with contempt.

However through mutual friend, I’ve heard she was badly upset and I deeply hurt her more than I thought. I know she did not deserve any pain, I thought selfishly only about myself. She wasn’t taking pity and in fact really liked me for who I was and I was idiotic and pushed her away.

If I’m honest I feel like I had no real intention of being with someone again longterm when I first met B I was just looking for a way to distract because I had not healed the scars left by A.

I acted like the relationship with B was going to go somewhere, I made efforts and then when things actually began to feel real, I just bailed on her. I awakened feelings in her only to screw her over. I think there’s a part of me which acted unknowingly to inflict the pain I’d felt from what A did to me onto B. I feel like a sadist.

Its been 10 months since it happened, immediately after I just didn’t want to deal with the feelings. Because when she left it actually hurt which I knew for me meant I had genuine feelings for her but I jumped back into the game. I started dating and then met C, after the newness wore off the relationship with C, 6 months later I found myself comfortable with C enjoyed the intimacy but deep down I still felt lonely. She just didn’t understand me like B did and we both just ended it, because it got stale. I was never my real self with C I found myself placating like I did with A, I felt like I was playing up to her idea of me just to have a partner and be with someone but it was exhausting.

Since I’ve had a rude awakening from my bro when I finally shared where I was in life with him. He bluntly laid out the facts I had avoided facing. He said I had never processed As betrayal and strung along B with my confusion and I’d regret it years down the line if not now because she was the one who stood by me at my weakest. He said C was just to have sex and she had given me physical part I had needed so I attached because of that. I needed to grow up and become a real man if I wanted something meaningful. If he had not been ill I wish i went to him instead of the lads, his advice was full of wisdom and experience I could have made better choices.

So I have been reflecting and sitting with my real feelings. The truth is B is the best woman I’ve ever met. She gave me stability but was always up for banter and exciting, she always wanted the best for me like no other. The only woman I’ve met who had self respect to not sleep with a man to gain his affections, she brought out the goodness in me, B is the only one who has deeply cared about me without wanting me to pay for dinners , handbags ,shoes and clothes etc just to keep her on good terms. I lied to myself for so long saying she was this that and the other to convince myself she was never right one for me but I can’t run away anymore. I was insecure. I was scared.

I never gave her a real chance and I realise I put too much thought on the physical side and my ego. When I think about our time together we could talk for hours, we had deep emotional talks, our dates were fun and we always ended up spending hours together and never wanted it to end, she was warm, thoughtful but spontaneous and wild too. I never felt bored in her company.

Some people need to escalate things physically to get the emotions really brewing. I’m like that, I need that gratification to feel the physical connection and to commit. Now I realise I  was immature, we had it, it was there without us needing to go for the home run. When i met her in person I always couldn’t control myself but my insecurities from my relationship with A make me feel inadequate when she didn’t go to 4th base with me. I feel like an arsehole.

I was awful in giving her closure too. I never treated her anywhere near as good as she treated me or as I know I am capable of because I was scared I’d become more invested. I feel she deserved the purity I gave to A. I feel like I squandered my chance of being with someone who actually loved me for me and would have grown with me. What shall I do? I have not had any contact with her for months but just can’t stop thinking about her and witching hour is the worst, I don’t want to hurt her further. I realise how selfish I have been but I desperately want to make amends for the pain I caused her, I’m not even contemplating anything else yet. Please ladies do you think this is even possible? How do I fix my mistake?

I know you are probably going to think I’m just a fuck boy and I didn’t get the notch but it’s far from the truth. I was scared, I didn’t let her in and pushed her away. My morals are questionable but I’m not evil, I have a conscience. I’m not just regretting because the grass hasn’t proved greener, I just better understand who and what I need now in an adult relationship.

Danny

@Shelbyville @Tim would really appreciate your wise words too if poss before Sun 🙁

@Danny,

Welcome to the thread & I hope you get at least some insight from the responses you receive.

To be honest, your story is not uncommon in the slightest. And it’s quite sad actually that you think so little of yourself that you truly believed you were B’s passing time until she finds someone more ‘worthy’. Why are you not worthy exactly? Because A couldn’t see your worth and left?

I think it’s great that you have taken the time to look deep into your own self and what drives you to do these things. Ever heard of the saying ‘hurt people hurt people’ – well it couldn’t be truer. You hurt B because you were still hurting and not healed from your experiences with A. I think what you have to learn from that experience is that you really need to sit with yourself and figure things out before you go ahead and get another D, E, F.. involved in your life.

I think an apology is due for sure. Maybe an apology followed by some perspective to B. It by no means excuses your behaviour but maybe it will offer her some reassurance that she was indeed worthy. Because sounds to me like you left her feeling exactly how A left you feeling at the end of the relationship – and that’s not fair.

I don’t think you’re a fuck boy. I think you’re a little lost and in need of inner work – like the rest of us. You clearly also need to stop listening to the lads because let’s be honest, your growing body count isn’t making you truly happy is it? And swiping left right on tinder isn’t going to make you happy either.

Learn from this. Heal what needs healing. Work on yourself, forgive yourself for your mistakes and the rest will follow.

@Sammy

I’m sorry you got hurt, if it makes you feel any better, by replying to me in such a fair  way, even though you drew parallels with your own situation is a testimony of your strength and character. I hope you find your peace and I apologise if I have made things fresh for you again. Thank you for saying we are all capable of redemption and I will definitely be reassessing the company I keep “mates”.

I accept you addressing me with a more exacting tone. Everything you wrote is the stark reality. I appreciate the help in how to make amends. I will not be cowardly and will rectify it in person if permitted. Is it ok to request a meeting over text or phone? Any tips on how to approach that?

Do you believe having been in a similar situation you’d ever forgive and forget to try again?

@Kkasxo

Thanks for such a warm welcome to the thread. I will admit your response made me choke back tears. The insight I’ve received from you all is overwhelming. It has been very difficult to sit with these emotions but it’s time I grew up. @Shelbyville is correct I was that little boy playing at being a player to feel better. I wish I never listened to the lads, the hollowness is unreal. I don’t expect to be swiping left/right again. Thank you for not labelling me a fuckboy and realising I have definitely been lost in my own insecurities.

I want to say I know I referenced them as A, B etc that’s not to demean in any way. I just don’t want to use their names in a public forum.

Kkasxo , I do feel after A cheated it felt like it was a reflection that I wasn’t handsome, clever, cool and relaxed enough. All the things my best friend always was and that’s why she chose him all my life I felt second best that reinforced that feeling. I was not worthy.

When ‘B’ met me she had this sixth sense or something she could see past the fronting. She could feel my pain and just had a unique emotional understanding. I couldn’t control my desires for her outer beauty to really prize her inner beauty back then. She tried so hard to reflect back what she saw in me and she had a positive energy. So when ‘B’ would express that about me, it would irritate me because I didn’t believe it and then knowing she was so attractive I felt scared and wary.

You are spot on, I should never have gone out there on the advice of the lads. I should have dealt with my issues first. Maybe if I had met ‘B’ when better healed I would have treated her so much better and how she deserved. Instead I sucked her into my dark world without realising how damaging I was being to someone so beautiful inside and out. She pulled me out of that pit and I may have pushed her in.

One of the posters said I should pay for her psychotherapy because she must have low self esteem to consider sticking by someone like me?

I don’t know how to take that. I’m offended to read it because it reinforces my beliefs about my unworthiness.

I explained I’ve been a dick in my judgement but she didn’t have low self esteem, ‘B’ was a rare kind with values and self respect. I’ve never met someone so giving, selfless and pure hearted. She felt great empathy and like yourself saw my real self and that I was hurting and there was more to me.

But the poster went onto say;

” …I did not feel your raw form… but B did. I wonder what she experienced when she saw and heard and felt your raw form. I wonder if she still cherishes it.”

I feel slighted or am I being sensitive. Do you think ‘B’ hates me?

I really hope I have not damaged her faith in seeing the good in people. When I treated her with contempt because I couldn’t deal with the fact I had got it so wrong she walked away so gracefully careful to not undo the work in building me up and ensured I didn’t feel shit about myself because she had seen the fragileness when I was in a low place when we met, she knew exactly who I was and still accepted me. I took that for granted. Why was I such a idiotic fool?

No lies, I have feelings deeper than I even knew for her. All your responses are suggesting I apologise and leave her alone. Do you think with time I could prove to her that I am capable of being the man worthy of her and not the idiot boy she met?

Shelbyville, you also said this was probably a journey mate. What if I believe there was a more deeper connect between us. Do I give it up and not try, do you believe it’s too late? You all seem to have a lot of experience. I would welcome all the guidance. I can’t thank you enough for your time.

Danny

@Shelbyville,

Ah how I have missed you!

Congratulations on the job, promotion & the new man of course! (I’ve waited over two years to say these words and I am overfilled with joy).

Like you have said, try to stay present and accept the chaos right now. It’s all taking you to where you need to be. I am so pleased for you.

My mama bear is actually flying in first thing tomorrow with my little sister (to sit indoors with me and quarantine for two weeks) but nonetheless at least she’ll be here! So excited!

Life for me on this end is so stale at the moment. I’m in a job that I’m not really coping with it is THAT busy – but money.

Mr A is same old, guess we’ll just waste a little bit more of one another’s time haha – I honestly have to laugh at it all now. Gotta trust that one day this whole chapter will make sense!

Oh & I got a kitten some time ago now, baby Nala! She’s my absolute world, the most loving little baby in the world. Sooo I think I’m on a journey to accepting that the inevitable is I’ll become a single, crazy cat lady!

@Kkasxo thanks mate for your insight and you really have a good vibe about you. I read your last post. I don’t think it’s possible you’re going to end up a crazy single cat lady! Your kind and remind me of traits in ‘B’ authentic but accepting of humans fallibility so thank you for being fair. Also hope your family still came even with the impending lockdown.

I was listening to spotify and a song called “Golden” came on and the lyrics reminded me of her, when I checked the artist it was Harry Styles how ironic she loved him and I’d mock her for it. Everything reminds me of her all of a sudden inside the pocket of an old blazer i found her oyster card and hair tie from one of our dates. The pangs of pain were sharp i just slammed the wardrobe shut. Things which normally help me escape like snooker and gaming no longer work, part of me wants to go back to being ignorant of these feels, when I was able to shut everything out and she didn’t matter, when I had convinced myself she would be better off and wasn’t meant for me.

Because now if I sit still with my thoughts and think about ‘B’ and all she did for me whilst I was blessed with her presence. I feel a tightness in my chest. I want to throw up.

You asked what is best for her? I feel like she deserves nothing but to be respected and cherished. I didn’t give her either which is why in the end even with her big heart she left 🙁 i succeeded in spooking myself. Who needs Halloween when I can scare and freak myself out and be the monster.

What if I call her after so long and end up hurting her further. When I say further, I would never treat her like I did but I’m afraid of refreshing that pain for her. If it made @Sammy’s pain fresh again from drawing parallels then what will it do to her?

I have spoken to my bro too but trying not to overwhelm him as he is still in recovery but he is of the opinion if I want to be a man I need to clean up the mess I made and be willing to take the bullet for my actions and do it in person. That ‘B’ will benefit.

Reading @Rhaenyss and @Sammy take, it seems you all may be right, women want an explanation and their questions answered, so I’m hoping ‘B’ is of the same mind frame and it helps her not hurt.

The reason why I want to apologise is not to win her back, I can dream but I know it is unfair to seek that off the bat. She owes me nothing. I will be indebted to her forever because she saw something in me when I was drowning, she pulled me out of deep waters.

I want to say sorry because until the very end she made sure I knew I was worthy etc. She was so selfless, even text after to see if I was doing well which I brushed off and then she did again when bros treatment began asking if he was ok. I replied and told her nothing about him and said I’d moved on and to basically stop messaging.

I was such a dick, I avoided accepting what I had done to her and confronting it. I need to face that head on and take responsibility. Do you think she will even answer now?

I want her to know, in my own twisted way I always cared about her. I want to be sure she is not damaged by my actions.  I awakened feelings in her but she reawakened my soul and I never meant to make her feel insignificant.

You give such sound advice @Kkasxo, I need to work on myself and that low worth before I can attempt any romantic relationship or it will crop up again one way or another. It was never about the body count more about trying to feel confident in the wrong way. Thinking the experience under the belt would make me cooler but it was never enough.

@Shelbyville said ‘B’ may have been a journey mate, I did learn to be better because of her she had given me confidence in myself and I went straight back into dating, I met ‘C ‘ I was the better version of me, more respectful, treated her better but I just felt like I was with someone who didn’t know every side of me. ‘B’ had managed to dive deep into my soul and see the parts even I had trouble accepting and she still accepted me.

The relationship with ‘C’ was comfortable, it was status quo, I liked her but after the newness wore off. I felt I was almost going through the motions to not feel lonely, to not have to go through the whole process of finding someone but I didn’t feel challenged to grow.

That’s when I started realising what I needed in an adult relationship and we ended it. All of a sudden ‘B’ was at the fore. At first I thought maybe it’s because I’m finding myself single again but I knew I’d been running ‘B’ within weeks of knowing me had made such an impact and encouraged change. I knew if I hadn’t been so insecure, cowardly and let it develop how exciting it would have been with me at my best if at my worst she saw so much. If only I had learned to control the desires and appreciated who she was instead of taking her for granted, I miss the little things she did that made me feel so special and the texts to make sure I got home okay. The fun dates, how warm she was when we’d hug. God, it stings real bad. I miss her.

I do believe every person in our life enters for a reason some hurt you, some teach you etc. Those that are special bring out the good in you. They are rare though and our own actions determine if they stay or leave and i caused a special woman to leave, there’s no way in reasoning, the truth catches up with you 🙁  man it sucks. Why was I such a knob, why didn’t I see all this when I was with her?!