Hey both.

@Genie.  Awesome news on the running – I did exactly that, including the chanting funnily enough. I also used to end the run being grateful at achieving another one and visualising positive energy filling me & any negative energy leaving. As you can tell, I’m very much a two feet on the ground kinda person but something about the routine and mental practice of this used to leave me feeling much calmer and more hopeful – it sounds like it’s helping you too which is great.

It’s interesting what you say about wasting so much time going back. It’s one of the hardest things to learn I think, is when to let go of something. And still hard to do even when you know you want to. Partly I think the whole sunk cost fallacy thing in particular makes us especially prone to this with emotional situations. E.g. say you start a new book & about 30 mins in, you are hating it. The writing is rubbish, the plot is obvious etc etc. Do you stop? No, we go on….hoping against experience it will get better… 2 hrs later (it’s a long book!) it’s still rubbish and we’re regretting our choice to continue, thinking of all the other things we could have used those two hours for. But do we stop now? No way! We’re halfway through now and we stop we’ll have to admit we wasted that time! So we plough on to the bitter end…….wasting yet more time whilst still hoping against hope it miraculously changes and improves…..at the end of the book you realise it’s part of a longer series, so perhaps the next book will be better… after all, we’ve come this far now….  You get the idea. It seems obvious you should just stop after learning enough to be able to judge that it isn’t the right book for you.  But it feels like you are ‘quitting’ and ‘giving up’ , instead of the reality which is being honest and brave enough to stop and go do something with your time that does actually benefit you.

The exact same goes for emotional investment, it’s just harder to see.  It’s hard to “give up” all those years of investment and hope in the relationship. Moving on means accepting those years are gone. It means giving up on that tiny hope that he may yet change – despite all the evidence to the contrary you have.  You actually sound like you have come a long way already since your first post – being able to accept and recognise he isn’t the right person for you is a big step. If it helps,  I don’t think of my experience as years wasted now – rather as lessons I had to go through to become the person I am today. It sounds like you are already making great strides towards doing the same, well done.  You are 100% correct, this is about you, not him. And the really good news is, “you” is something you can do something about, like it sounds like you are doing so already and on your way. This new guy also sounds like someone who is willing to work with you and help you grow as a person – that is always something awesome to find in life. I hope it goes well. Here as/when I can help more.

@ Shelby.  Funnily enough, a lot of that advice for Genie goes for you too – but you know that already 😉  Especially on the letting go part. Am I too surprised to hear your ex has been vaguely sniffing around, honestly, not really. But do I think it means what I know you hope it means, sorry, no…  You’ve changed the usual pattern of your break-ups and haven’t gone back to him. He’s probably curious about this Shelby who’s managed to go travel and quit her job. And judging by what you’ve said of him – it’s about his usual time to wonder if you’d be up for another round, especially since you guys clearly have a strong physical connection.  But that’s the point of all this self-awareness and self-esteem building work. Just because he may decide he’s ready to have you back in his life for another short period – doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for you. Would you really want to go around that loop again??? A temporary high followed by another huge low and the pain of him telling you again that he’s still the same person, doesn’t do commitment and doesn’t do relationships. He was always happy with the casual thing you guys had going.  If you were in a stronger place and just wanted the physical relationship – also no judgement if you both know what expect and want.  But you know you want commitment and you know you want a real relationship. Neither of you is right or wrong, you just want different things.  And, like the book example above,  everything you’ve learnt about your ex means you know he is not going to be able to give you what you want, even if he wanted to.

I actually think it’s great this new guy has turned into such a good friend. The people we need have a habit of appearing in our lives when we need them, even if they aren’t what we want. I’m glad to hear you say you are aware enough of not becoming reliant on him. Absolutely right.  It’s totally human and natural to want comfort but there’s a huge difference between needing it and just enjoying it when offered. Take him at his word and enjoy the friendship – you are being absolutely honest with him about your feelings and he’s dealing with it remarkably well, so he sounds like a good influence in your life.

Take care both – and you Kkasxo – now back to the manic planning for me!

Hi I am new to this forum I was looking for advice I was in a relationship for 6 years and we were about to look at houses and the day after my 30th birthday my bf split up with me out of the blue, I was in total shock as I didnt realise anything was wrong and was a broken mess. It’s now been 3 months and I am doing better but it is the toughest thing I have had to go through in my life. But the past few days I have been so upset over it and I really miss him. We havent spoken in a few weeks now but I feel I want to message him but what good will that do? Do you think cutting off contact is the best way to be? Its just tough knowing that someone you thought you would spend the rest of your life with is now a stranger to you.

Thank you I am just heartbroken as we were about to get a house etc and he surprised me with a trip away on my birthday then done it the next day. Also his reasons for splitting up were quite hurtful. He told me he would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me and after 6 years to hear that hurts so much. It has just knocked my confidence so much but I am trying to get through it by just keeping busy and back at gym  I know no contact deep down is the best thing because what is the point in texting?

Hi fellow heartbroken peeps

I found this forum when I was having one of those desperate nights we all have. Read the first 10 or so pages and then skipped to the end which was very interesting!

My story will be familiar in parts to a lot of you. Basically, just trying to get over my first heartbreak.

I dated a girl (for context, I am also a woman) for almost 5 months and she broke up with me 2.5 months ago. I feel silly for being so cut up about something that wasn’t long, but here we are.

It was my first proper relationship, and actually first kiss, first everything. She was also what prompted me to come out as queer… which added a whole other level of complexity!

For context,  never really saw a relationship happening for me- I have major self-confidence issues due to using a wheelchair – I had been on dates, but nothing really went anywhere and no one really expressed any real interest in me except a close childhood friend of mine (who is still a close friend but we decided it was nothing more).

so when this happened I really couldn’t believe my luck. I never knew what people meant about ‘sparks flying’ or ‘butterflies’ til I met her. We had our work cut out for us from the start in that she had chronic health conditions herself and it meant that she had to cancel dates a lot due to being sick. To make things worse, I couldn’t go and see her at her house because it wasn’t accessible. This led to a lot of anxiety on my part – expecting her to cancel all the time, feeling so frustrated at the logistics etc.

Still, I truly thought I had finally found my person, had just met her parents and she was supposed to meet mine. She helped me through a lot emotionally and encouraged me to get counselling after many years of struggling with anxiety. Over the course of a few short months she became one of the most important people in my life.

But long story short she cut things off because she said she realised she did not have strong feelings for me. Deep down, I think I knew this but I was also anxious a lot of the time so didn’t trust my judgement. Still, I felt really blindsided and hurt- for me, things were only just beginning. I was supposed to go up to her parents’ place after Christmas, for example. She also claimed I was the ‘perfect’ person for her yet could not give me the connection I wanted. For some reason this has been really hurtful. She said she still wanted me in her life and that I was a ‘one of her favourite people’ But also that she’s pretty content on being solitary.

Since then I have experienced the pain of heartbreak. All the things you all know so well. I just feel so annoyed because before this happened I was actually fairly content with being single. By all accounts I have many good friends and am not short on people who care for me. But now it feels like a box has been opened and I can’t shut it. She is always on my mind and I hate that I am giving someone so much of my headspace when they made the conscious choice to not be with me.

I tried to keep up contact with her for the first couple of weeks after the breakup but then forced myself to have almost a month of no contact because it felt like torture. Now we are back in contact again and I am perplexed as to why my mind and brain is so intent on trying to be friends with her when rationally I know I am not over her and contacting and seeing he won’t make me feel better. We have seen each other a few times and each time afterwards I have felt upset that we aren’t together anymore. Yet we are meeting again tomorrow for lunch – at my suggestion!! I also seem to be anxious about her not keeping me in her life – but I’m unsure why I care so much. After all, if she is content on being solitary, nothing I do is going to change that.I know rationally to heal I need to let go of the idea of her, of us, of being in each others’ lives, but my heart and brain is not ready it seems….

Anyway, I feel like this might be a good place to hold myself to account and connect with others going through the same pain, as endless as it feels. Thanks again for sharing your stories here. It has made me feel so much less insane and alone.

x

After being together for 20 years and married for just over 16 years my wife gave me the talk that she didn’t love me anymore. She used a Seinfeld reference, “It’s not you, it’s me”. She thought it was best for us to spend time apart and maybe I could move in to the basement. Instead it took me several weeks for find a suitable place to live. At first I didn’t want to believe that 16+ years of marriage could be over just like that. I started an email, to myself, a personal diary to get my feelings and daily activities on paper. I tried to text my wife to keep the lines of communications open, I felt that the longer we were apart and not talking, the less likely we were to get back together. I wanted to be in that 20% of separated couples that would get back together. I think that my texts were sounding desperate, which was a mistake. Please don’t do that. If you have to text, send the occasional text asking about their day or work. There were many many nights of crying myself to sleep at night, when I was able to sleep. We met for coffee about two weeks after I was out of the house and it was very emotional for me. I asked some questions about what led up to that day and asked my wife if there was someone else. She said no, but if she did meet someone that she would tell me. She did say that she was going out with some of the guys from work to watch NFL Football on Sundays and Mondays. I knew then that she would meet someone else. I asked her if there was any chance of us getting back together and she said, “not right now”. Well there was less sleep and more crying again. I have no family left and realized that I would be spending my first Christmas by myself. There was some occasional contact, we stopped at Costco for shopping and a hotdog and it seemed like there was progress. There was even a text saying that she was in a better place and that our meetings were good. I did nice things for my wife buying her chocolate, shoveling snow and leaving hand written love notes. Then, I was invited to the in-laws for Christmas supper, but I did not want to go. I eventually asked my wife if she was okay with me over for supper and not just to have me out there to make her parents happy. It was nice evening and then I got a text after New Year saying that she was officially dating someone and was in love with him. More waterworks and more sleepless nights. I did confront my wife why she was okay with me being over for Christmas supper when she already had designs on another man. Her response was that she didn’t want me to be alone at Christmas. I don’t think she realized that hurt more than it helped, especially when less then a week later she was dating someone. I have only a very few friends to talk to so that made this time even harder. After that text it was decided to split the marital assets, because there was no hope of reconciliation.  We are at that point and the divorce papers are being drawn up, I am just a cheap kite twisting in the wind and am just an observer. I have good days and then there is the occasional  bad day which sets me back, more crying and emotion again. There are many many triggers that set me back emotionally and I end up crying again, that won’t stop. Make sure that you have to endure this you get professional help and talk to as many friends as possible. I know this is easy to say, hard to do, but it is important. I only know two things in life for certain: I know that I still love my wife dearly and I know when her memory of our time together fades, I will still feel exactly the same as I did when I first told my wife that I loved her.