Your Biggest Fear Carries Your Greatest Opportunity for Growth

“Your largest fear carries your greatest growth.” ~Unknown

I was twenty when I met him. A naive apprentice of love, I plunged into romance with no fear and I was left speechless.

It was all so new and thrilling, all I had ever dreamed about and more. It’s hard to describe how strong our bond grew in such a short time. We knew we had met our perfect match; we knew we would spend the rest of our lives together.

But one day it all suddenly became too good to be true: he confessed he had cheated on me.

My world stopped cold.

He admitted everything, from how they did it in our bed to how they said goodbye in the morning. But the most damaging secret was that I knew her.

The details of heartbreak are trivial compared to what was left of me in the long run. Over the course of one year, I had effortlessly spiraled down into a pit of misery and self-destruction. I was caught in a state of severe mental suffering that I could see no exit from.

I became grimly obsessed with the girl. I spent hours looking at her pictures, listening to her voice in videos, stalking her on social media, thinking about her, thinking about how I could hurt her so she could feel the pain I felt. So things would be fair.

I re-opened my wounds over and over again just to feed the conviction that she was better than me, prettier than me, more intelligent than me.

I was once a fearless jet setter, confident in my power as a woman, strong and intimidated by no one. But now, the thought of this girl I had only ever met once reduced me into a self-pitying, vulnerable little person.

I couldn’t go anywhere without looking for her around me. I even looked for her in other countries while traveling.

Maybe if I ran into her she would apologize. Maybe I could tell her how I really felt. There was not one day that passed that she wasn’t in my thoughts. I wondered if she ever thought about me. I wondered if she cared.

It’s been a year and I thought I would have healed in this time, but until recently the effects of this sickening hysteria were still taking their toll on every aspect of my life—my friendships, my work, my family, my social life, my physical health (I developed a tumor in my gallbladder with no explanation from doctors other than “it could be stress related”).

Everything revolved around her. Everything reminded me of her. I was sick and haunted and I didn’t understand why… until I finally saw her.

It was at a friend’s concert. Everything seemed normal until someone grabbed my arm and told me, “We’re leaving. She’s here.” I didn’t need to be told who they meant by “she.”

I’d had nightmares about this for months and this night my nightmare became reality. My heart dropped and I felt like every ounce of blood in my body was drained.

I stood up and went to the bathroom to gather my emotions for a minute. I told myself I would come out when I was ready, but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready for anything.

I stepped out and walked toward her thinking, “I have no clue what I’m doing.” Little did I know, I was facing my biggest fear head-on with all of the strength I could muster.

I introduced myself to her again, and with two steps backward she told me she didn’t want to talk about anything.

This was when all of the delusional images I’d created of her in my mind crumbled into the truth: She was more scared of me than I was of her.

I told her I didn’t want to ruin her night but I just wanted to talk to her human to human.

We somehow managed to talk it out while I noticed how afraid and insecure she really was. She never really admitted her faults, but I told her that she’s a good person inside and that we all make mistakes.

I thanked her for unknowingly teaching me a lesson in life and then ended it all with something I still can’t believe I had the courage to do: a hug.

I walked back home trying to make sense of what had just happened and to my surprise I felt an immense sense of bliss, like my heart had just grown bigger in my chest.

I walked on knowing I had just left my heaviest weight behind, knowing I was finally on my way to where I want to go, knowing I had just won one of my hardest battles, knowing it was all over. I felt as light as a feather.

So I am calling out to all of us who ever felt stuck in the past or terrified of the future. Here are some lessons I learned from this experience that might help you in your battle against fear.

1. Take responsibility for your feelings.

We live our lives thinking others cause our discomfort and unhappiness. Whether someone hurt you or had a big impact on your life, blaming this person for your emotions is irrational.

You are the writer of your own story; you get to choose how it’s going to end and nobody else. Taking responsibility for feelings like anger, sadness, or jealousy is hard, but the truth is no one else can control what you think or feel.

2. You are not the only one.

Just like you are hurting, so is the person who hurt you; it’s just that you may never know how they really feel.

They are human, just like you, and they feel, just like you. They might not be feeling the same thing at the same time, but guaranteed they, too, may feel lost and insecure. Try to understand that we all go through the same things only at different times.

3. Deal with the present moment.

You might dislike the way a certain person or situation makes you feel and you can try to distance yourself from that place in time, but you can’t distance yourself from your own feelings. They’re inside of you, and they come with you wherever you go.

It’s important that you look at the present moment and create a healthy output for unwanted emotions (i.e.: dancing, painting, writing, singing). Ignoring your emotions will not make them go away, and when emotions build up they can eventually lead us to do things we aren’t proud of.

4. Trust fear.

Have you ever heard the quote “fear is a pointer to your next adventure”? Fear only exists within the mind; it does not exist in the world outside of us. It’s an imaginary barrier we create for ourselves, a barrier that usually appears right before something great is ready to take place in our lives.

When we make the choice to confront our fears there is a reward waiting on the other side. Trust this feeling even when it may seem counterintuitive, because where there is fear there is a hidden treasure.

Let fear show you the way.

Fear image via Shutterstock

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