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How I Used Self-Help to Justify a Toxic Relationship and What I Now Know

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“You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.” ~Ayn Rand

The first person who introduced me to personal development was my ex. He once said, “It’s like you’re already doing some of these things.”

What a compliment, right? Being a high-level person on the path of constant evolution, self-revolution, always changing and growing. Who wouldn’t want to be that?

Beyond the compliments, I also felt a kinship with many personal growth concepts because they reminded me of some aspects of psychology and philosophy. If I could watch Seligman’s TED talk about positive psychology, why couldn’t …

Break Free from Busyness and Uncover the Magic of Life

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“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” ~John Lennon

For as long as I can remember, I have been living in a never-ending to-do list. I was constantly thinking about what needed to get done, how I could multitask, or how I could be even more productive. Even on the weekends, I loved planning out my entire day, usually focusing on chores and other not-so-exciting things.

To be honest, I thought this was a perfectly normal way of operating. I would pride myself on my productivity and my ability to stay on top of …

A Little Hope and Encouragement for Hard Times

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“If your path demands you to walk through hell, walk as though you own the place.” ~Unknown

Trigger warning: This content contains references to self-harm and suicide.

It was in the spring semester during graduate school. I was living alone in a one-bedroom apartment and working nearly full-time hours at night.

The anti-depressants weren’t working so well. I was keeping up with my therapist, but I suppose it was too much.

I felt too much. It hurt so much and couldn’t handle it. You could list out the symptoms of depression, and I had them all.

Unable to deal with …

Finding Magic in the Dreams That Didn’t Come True

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“Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us.” ~Steven Pressfield

I was born a decade too late in 1975 in a small Pennsylvania town. By the time I was old enough to buy a record, the legendary rock and roll culture of the 1960s and 70s was a distant memory. To some, it might have even seemed uncool by then. But to me, a teen in the late 80s, the era of sex, drugs, and rock and roll was everything.

I spent hours writing song lyrics in my flowered journal, watching MTV, …

The Surprising Way a Breakup Can Help Heal Your Heart

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“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart … Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside awakens.” ~Carl Jung

There is nothing quite like an unwanted breakup to rip your heart open and bring you face to face with your deepest shadows.

At least, that’s how it was for me.

Nearly six years ago, on a typically warm and sunny Saturday October afternoon in Los Angeles, I was lying on the floor of my apartment, wallowing to my then-boyfriend on the phone about how everything in my life seemed to just be hitting walls: My career …

How to Recognize a Toxic Relationship and Know When It’s Time to Leave

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“Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction.” ~Rumi

Have you ever found yourself questioning the health of your relationship, unsure if what you’re experiencing is normal or if it’s veering into toxic territory? It’s a common dilemma that many of us face at some point in our lives.

But how do we know when it’s time to walk away?

Toxic relationships can be insidious, often starting out innocently enough before gradually morphing into something destructive and harmful. The warning signs may be subtle at first, but they can become impossible to ignore over time.

Flashback to 2016, I …

Retreats for Highly Sensitive People and Introverts

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Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go on a retreat to some magical location where you could deeply connect with yourself and forge lifelong relationships with likeminded people? Then did you immediately wonder if it might feel a little overwhelming to you as an introvert or highly sensitive person?

As an HSP introvert who loves travel and new experiences, I have long had my eye on Melissa Renzi’s retreats, which are specifically designed for people like me—and I’m guessing a lot of you.

In addition to being a Tiny Buddha contributor and this month’s site sponsor, …

The Beauty in the Broken: How to Celebrate the Fragility of Life

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“Sometimes you get what you want. Other times, you get a lesson in patience, timing, alignment, empathy, compassion, faith, perseverance, resilience, humility, trust, meaning, awareness, resistance, purpose, clarity, grief, beauty, and life. Either way, you win.” ~Brianna Wiest

Last month, I was feeling super fragile.

I was deep in the woes of another round of covid type symptoms, along with an onslaught of chronic health conditions that were flaring up left, right, and center. I was one month into a new job, and after the initial excitement, I was starting to feel wildly overwhelmed.

I spent two weeks waking up …

How I Broke Free from Burnout by Eating More

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“Our food should be our medicine, and our medicine should be our food.” ~Hippocrates

There I was—it was 3 p.m. on my first day at my new job, the job I was so desperate for, and I was falling asleep. Right there, in a conference room filled with over twenty people, and I was nodding off.

I couldn’t believe it. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and seriously questioning if I was ready or capable of this whole “adult” thing. How was it that I could barely keep my eyes open on my first day? I was supposed to be a young, …

How to Let Go of the Past and Forgive

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“Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.” ~Jonathan Lockwood Huie

As a child, I faced constant physical and mental abuse.

Several classmates would beat me up in the schoolyard, hitting and kicking me. They also chased me down the streets to my home when school was done for the day. I had to cycle at my fastest to avoid another beating. It felt like I had to go through a war zone every day.

Besides the physical abuse, these children also constantly criticized and ridiculed every single thing I did. This made me feel …

How I Found a Beautiful Identity Beyond My Trauma

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“Today I want you to think about all that you are instead of all that you are not.” ~Unknown

When I was nineteen, something happened to me that felt like a death. I had spent a lot of my teenage years feeling lonely and invisible, desperate for someone to break through to me and convince me of my own value. And then finally, I developed a crush on someone that was reciprocated. He liked me back!

I walked around all day beaming and giggling, consumed by thoughts of him and how he made me feel beautiful. Every time he sent …

Making Big Decisions: What Would Your Higher Self Do?

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“Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.” ~Paul Millsap

The personal growth journey is easy when everything is going to plan. But when you’re presented with a difficult situation, that’s when the real test begins.

In 2018, I embarked on a nomadic journey to do some soul-searching. I faced my fair share of challenges during this trip, but for the most part, life was good.

I led a good life and coached people to do the same. But then I was given a …

Try This Fun Little Phrase to Immediately Boost Your Joy

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“Joy is the simplest form of gratitude.” ~Karl Barth

I had no way of knowing when I went to visit my brother’s family that summer in 2019 that my three-year-old niece would say seven words that would forever change my relationship with joy.

It was July and predictably steamy in Georgia where his family lives. I was visiting to meet my newborn nephew, and the stifling heat kept us all inside for most of my stay.

The second morning after I arrived, I was spending time with my younger niece and keeping her entertained. My older niece was at a …

5 Ways to Cope When Faced With Sudden Caregiving

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“There are only four kinds of people in the world—those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers.” ~Rosalynn Carter, Former First Lady of the United States

The call reminded me of an old TV commercial for a medical alert device. Only this was real.

“Mom fell down and broke her hip,” my sister said. “She’s in the hospital waiting for surgery. I’m freaking out about Dad. He shouldn’t be living alone!”

Wait. What?

What’s up with Dad?

After more conversation, and once the initial shock subsided, I …

8 Things to Remember When You’re at Your Lowest

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“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in.” ~Haruki Marukami

Last year was both the hardest year of my life and the most transformative. My partner and I had started in vitro fertilization after years of infertility. The daily hormone injections and invasive procedures were tough, but when we saw two blue lines on the …

ASMR: The Powerful Practice That Helped Me Let People In

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“For the person that needs to see this today: Your heart will heal, your tears will dry, your season will change. Rest tonight, knowing the storm will end.” ~Unknown

Like many people, I didn’t have the easiest time growing up. Between having a toxic family upbringing and being bullied, I learned to trust nobody and keep to myself. Being naturally bold and self-sufficient enabled me to move through the world independently, relying on as few people as possible. Living this way was the closest experience to safety I could reference.

Over the years, my lifestyle of hyper-independence increased, and I …

Daring to Fail: Uncovering the Hidden Strengths in Our Struggles

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“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” ~Robert F. Kennedy

How do you define failure?

When something doesn’t go as planned?

When someone tells you they don’t like what you’ve made?

When an outcome doesn’t match your expectations?

I find it increasingly important to define failure. Which seems like a weird thing to do because we’re all trying to avoid it. Even talking about failure feels like it has the power to bring about failure.

No one wants to be labelled a failure. And it’s because of that underlying fear that we end up stuck, miserable, …

Unleashing My Inner Teen: From People-Pleasing to Authentic Self-Expression

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“Be more afraid of losing yourself than losing the approval of others.” ~Unknown

Sometimes, when I feel restless, I listen to angsty music that I used to listen to as a teenager, such as Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance, Paramore, and Bullet for My Valentine.

I can still belt out every lyric to Misery Business with precision, without missing a beat, and with perfect intonation (okay, so maybe not the last one). As I was listening to music from my past, I tried to make sense of this inner restlessness.

Why has this been coming up for me so …

Finding Home: The Magic of Feeling Seen and Heard

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“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place to go where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” ~Maya Angelou

In 2019, I found myself in a psychiatric institution sitting across from a psychologist who was grilling me about why I was there. She seemed angry.

I told her how heartbroken I was that no one “believed” the physical symptoms I was dealing with, caused by chronic illness and benzodiazepine withdrawal. I told her how my nervous system had been hijacked, and I could not control the terror I felt daily. I told …

The Closure in Accepting That They May Never Change

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“One of the hardest things I’ve had to understand is that closure comes from within. Especially difficult if you’ve been betrayed by someone you love because you feel like you gotta let them know the pain they caused, but the peace you seek can only be given to you by you.” ~Bruna Nessif

Many years ago, I wrote a very personal post for Tiny Buddha titled Get Past It Instead of Getting Even: Revenge Isn’t Winning.

The post described the challenges I experienced with my parents as an adult and, ultimately, my decision to cease all relations with them.

…