Dear Lisa:

Thank you so much for your kind words. I don’t know if you are following the activity on your thread, more than five months since your last post here. If you are reading this and would like to communicate further, please let me know.

anita

Dear Javairia:

Thank you for the message above! If you’d like to talk further, please let me know if you are reading this (I don’t know if you are still following the activity on your thread/ in the forums).

anita

Dear Noor:

Thank you for your good wishes and love. I would like to reply in detail to your recent post, but I need to know if you are still following the activity on your thread, it being that your post above has been unanswered for a month a half. Please let me know if you are reading this and I will reply further.

anita

Dear Arden:

You shared that you have a friend who’s been helping you a lot in the last month in the process of moving to a new flat. You love and trust this friend 100 percent, and her help is making your life easier. But you feel annoyed and resentful toward her for organizing your belongings the way she sees fit, for being overinvolved in your life, for commenting on how you should furnish your new flat, how you should clean it, etc. You want to have your “own time, alone without her visiting all the time“, your “own space”.

You are questioning whether you are a good person for feeling this way about a friend who is helping you as much as she does, and you are wondering if you feel this way toward her because you fear that you “would never be able to pay her back“, even though you are prepared to have her stay with you in your new flat in the future, if she will need such help.

Did I understand your situation correctly?

anita

Dear Positivitea:

You are welcome. Whenever you make a mistake, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, correct what you need to correct, and let go of guilt,  don’t allow it to linger. Switch to empathy for the person who is trying so hard and is doing her best (you!)

anita

Dear Caroline:

A good mother would want and encourage her daughter to become capable and reasonably-powerful in life. I am sorry, Caroline, that your mother- like mine and so many others’- belongs to the bad-mother club.

“Last week she asked me whether I work for American managers. I said yes, those are my managers. I saw something weird in her eyes.. admire perhaps, but different, mixed with.. envy, I think. Immediately she changed subject like she got scared of her own thoughts or.. getting deeper into the subject. But I don’t understand. She would like to brag about my success, money etc. in front of other people. But she’s afraid of it somehow“- Best I can figure is that (1) she likes to brag about herself (as a mother, in this case) for producing a professionally/ monetarily successful daughter. Her bragging is not about her appreciating you. It is about seeking the appreciation of the people she is bragging to, wanting them to think highly of her.

(2) What you saw in her eyes is impossible for me to know, of course Maybe she was thinking something like: I wish I could work for American managers (having images in her mind of herself working for American managers, maybe images taken from a movie or a television program), followed by her thinking something like: but I am too old/ unqualified to work for American managers, followed by: Caroline is young and qualified, followed by envy, followed by… some thought that scared her..

When angry at you in the past, or still: what does she say or do to you?

anita

Dear Stacy:

You are welcome.

“I don’t understand how someone seemingly so committed for months can just lose feelings so easily“-

You wrote in your original post: “We were in a long distance relationship the entirety of this relationship…Over the span of this almost 12 month relationship, we only were able to meet about 1-2 (sometimes 3) times per month“- his commitment was not tested in the context of a short-distance relationship or in the context of seeing each other daily, or living together.

“We texted daily and I did have an issue with his lack of communication in between visits“- his commitment was lacking in the context of a long-distance relationship.

“I don’t understand how…  someone could enjoy a relationship with someone they never even planned on staying with, yet they discussed vasectomy plans with“- I don’t know what he was feeling and what his intention was, if any, when he talked about vasectomy with you, but I do know that it is easy to TALK, it takes very little energy to utter words, and lots of people like to utter words, that is, to talk. So they talk.

He is a gamer: think about how much is “happening” within the game while all he has to do is to move his fingers or such, right? If he was actually in the game, if the game was real, not much would be happening because he wouldn’t have the energy to do in real-life what is so easy to do when gaming.

“The only rationalization my brain can understand is that he would become committed for the ‘right’ woman who gives him ‘tough love.’“- (1) you have been assuming that his brain is the same or very similar to your brain. But it isn’t. It is very different in that, for one, he suffers from ADHD and details, or minute nuances of things escape him, while those loom big in your brain. He easily distracts himself from things; you overthink things. (2) a different woman is not going to change the workings of his brain. There is no right woman who can right the less than pristine workings of his brain.

“I appreciate you for offering me alternative rationalizations for his behavior. I hope to get to where I can truly shut out my negative self-talk and blame“-negative self-talk and self-blame is fueling your overthinking. You keep thinking that it’s your fault that this man (a 31-year-old man who lives with his parents and who never had a committed or a long-term relationship, and who spends most of his free time alone, gaming and liking girls on social media) is not in a committed, long-term relationship with you.

“I should probably go no contact for now even though I know that if I do this, I will most likely never hear from him again. I don’t want to ghost him, but I don’t know how to tell him that I need a pause from him without feeling more pathetic“- you can ask him: how do you feel about going no contact with me? I am asking because I am considering it. His response, or lack of, will give you some information that may help you in deciding whether to go no-contact or not. Will that make you feel pathetic?

“My brother… is in very good hands currently where they take his health seriously and I am VERY grateful to his caretakers. We visit him often so that’s really nice“- good thing, that he is in very good hands!

“Your NYC story resonated so much with me. I’ve tried to make my own experiences on my own. And then as soon as I try to include my family, they stress out… we get frustrated with each other. I can’t seem to enjoy or recreate the experiences I had… and I can’t enjoy the experiences without them“- exactly my experience. Soon after my mother left NYC and returned to her country, I left it too (to another state) because I was so depressed. Later, when I visited NYC again, the magic was totally gone. It was like another place, unrecognizable,  empty from all that I felt there before.

“Your experience gives me some hope that I can work my way through this ongoing problem. I’ve been aware of it since I was in therapy… No more relationships and life experiences where I feel inherently unworthy and guilty would be great“- it would be great!

“My mom frequently expresses how money is her only solution to happiness“- is she suggesting that you  should find a way to give her the money that she needs, enough of it to make her happy? My mother expressed something similar, and repeatedly. I felt that I was failing her by not providing her with the money and material luxury that she wanted. (I tried..).

“I try to tell her that she needs to find hobbies that bring her joy and meaning to her life. She gets offended and tells me that all of her hobbies require money or her health, and that all of the constant repairs and debt she has keeps her trapped“- (1) you try to help her because you care about her, and she gets offended. A loving mother would have appreciated your caring. (2) a life with her loving daughters is.. a trap, in her experience.

“I don’t want to accept that my mom is right about money because if she is right, I can’t be mad at her for doing nothing to help herself“- you can be mad at her for appreciating money so much, but not appreciating you and your love and care for her. Seems to me that what she wants is money (and understandably health), but what she needs is.. a heart.

“I feel like I can’t tell her to stop complaining to me because she’s getting old“- I read somewhere that women start to age at 25.. so you’ve been getting old in the last six years. How much older should you get before you matter too, before are too old for her selfish complaining?

“and I don’t want to cause her any more distress than I already do. Weeks before my breakup, I was having the worst financial and health related month (July) and my health anxiety was obsessive (still is). She went off on me and said I was insufferable to live with“- (1) the chicken and the egg analogy: what came first was your mother making you suffer with her selfish complaining and lack of caring about your feelings. What came second is your distress. (2) your mother is okay complaining to you, venting her distress, but she is not okay about you doing what she is doing… not fair. (3) if you are insufferable to live with, in your mother’s experience, do your mother the favor and move out.

“My sister agreed and said I was negatively affecting our mom’s health“- again, the chicken and the egg analogy: first, it is your mother who has been, and for a long, long time, negatively affecting your health. Second (and not intentionally on your part): what goes around, comes around.

“I know I need professional help with my health anxiety. I cannot afford it, and this only reinforces my fears of  what my mom says about money“- if you had effective quality, effective professional help, you would realize that you need to move out and not live with your mother and sister. How do you feel now, without that quality therapy experience about leaving them?

anita