Dear Meatball:

Her life story before she met you (from what you shared. I will refer to her as R): growing up, R was moved around a lot, house to house, state to state, with a mother and grandmother who were criminals and drug addicts. Her mother went to prison for murder. R was pushed into performing small thefts for her grandmother. Both R’s grandmother and grandfather OD-ed on drugs, and survived. R was adopted by a distance relative, a man and his wife who treated R like Cinderella. The man and his wife divorced following some criminal activity. Soon after, R graduated high school, and lived on her own, “bouncing around from various men and staying with their families“. In her early 20s, she reconnected with the man who adopted her, but soon after, in a hotel room, she found him dead from a drug overdose.

In her mid-20s, R got pregnant and married a man who was mentally and physically abusive to her, and he was a drug addict. She left him soon after the marriage and “for the next decade bounces from home to home, man to man“, with her baby/ toddler/ child daughter (?). At one point, she got into some religion and  married a man she met in her new association, but divorced him after a few months. Some time later, struggling to make ends meet, she moved in with her ex-in-laws, the parents of her abusive ex- husband. Next, you met her: she was 34 when you met her and her daughter was 8.

Somewhere along the way, she was diagnosed with ADHD, and became addicted to Adderall.

Your life story before you met her: “I had a pretty good childhood“- no detail, this is all that you shared about your childhood. You had long-term relationships with women, most lasting 3-5 years, and initiated a breakup with women after meeting someone new. About your past relationships: “I’ve had insecurity issues in most of my relationships and most women I have had relationships with have been ‘broken’ and in need of ‘fixing’…  I’ve always ignored obvious red flags early on in relationships and settled quickly because of my insecurities.”

The relationship with R: you  met her when you were (all ages are approximations) 41, living on your own in your own house, while your two daughters, 8 and 20, from two previous marriages, were not living with you (but with their mothers, I assume). R was 34 at the time, her one daughter was 8, and the two were living with her ex-in-laws (her daughter’s grandparents). About the time you met her, or soon after, some people who had known R, told you “to RUN, stay away, ‘she’s got issues’, etc.” , but you didn’t run away from her, you ran toward her “When I met her, I was immediately attracted to her, the most beautiful girl I had ever met.  I fell hard and fast… passion and lust, wanted to spend all of our free time together… bliss“.

A couple of months into the relationship, R ghosted you out of the blue. Her ex-mother-in-law messaged and called you, telling you that R has not been going to work, and has been staying home, “laying around/ sleeping“, and “to give her time.. that she has some issues, and she does this, give her a few days“. A few days later, R reached out to you, told you that she missed you, and that she was sorry.

A year or so later, R (35) and her daughter (9)  moved in with you (42). You didn’t charge her rent or other money for expenses. Some time later, out of the blue, R told you that “she’s not ‘feeling it’ and wants to move out“. She left and moved back in with her ex-in-laws. A couple of days later, she called you, apologized and moved back with you.

There were loving things she did for the next 6 years or so, but less over the years: “Those things being holding my hand, sitting or laying next to me.  Writing me little love notes and sending multiple texts daily with love type things.  Always saying ‘I love you’ and kissing me goodbye“.

But when you turned (approx..) 48, and she, 41, all that stopped: “A couple years ago all of those little things stopped“. At one time you cheated on her, confessed, began the process of splitting, but she begged you to work it out and stay together. But “cycles of ‘breaking up’ and then staying together… always initiated by her.. (saying) that she is ‘not in love’ with me. That she had NO feelings for me” still exist, currently.

She says she wants to leave you, you ask her to stay, suggesting that she gets help for her traumatic history before she met you. She agrees but doesn’t follow through: “Each time she agrees to stay and that she will get the help that is needed…. (she) rarely seeks any of the help that she says she’ll get.  I do all the research… She rarely reads any of it”.

She expresses disgust of you as a lover or boyfriend (“each day she pulls back more and more… not wanting to be around me, not touching me, just disgusted“, and she wants to be your friend, not a boyfriend ( “She says I’m still her best friend and that she wants me in her life just not as love partners“).

* You listed a few issues you’ve had with R: (1) Early in the relationship with you, R told you about her many relationships with men in great detail, including her relationships with  “great men in great situations“, talking “about the men in ways that made me jealous“.  She told you that in every relationships that felt great, “something just clicks and she is done with them and leaves… for reasons she’s never understood, she just stops having any feelings for them, and just ups and leaves, breaking their heart“.

(2) “She has little to no relationship with any of the small amount of family she does have.  She describes reconnecting with her adopted mother, or brothers, or her half-sister but then just ghosting them and going years at times without communication.  I find this very odd“.

(3) She procrastinates, lives pay check to pay check, never saves, has bad credit and a shopping compulsion, she rarely plans anything, and she says and does things without much thought.

(4) She typically goes to sleep at 7 pm and sleeps a lot, sometimes 12 hours per night, and takes multiple naps on weekends.

(5) She is addicted to Adderall, “When she runs out of it or tries to get off of it, she becomes a Zombie and can not function“.

(6) “She is very lax in her parenting… they do not do things you would normally see a mother and daughter do“.

Back to the current situation and dilemma- your response to her wish to be best friends but not lovers: “I can’t do that, I need her OUT of my life completely to move on… (but) I don’t want to live without her (and daughter) in my life. One day I’m crying all day and the next day I’m OK boxing up more things. One big issue right now is that she has little to no money, she has nowhere to go.  None that will take her in…  She just doesn’t think her past trauma has anything to do with this… HELP – Do you think that I should just let her go? Or do you think that she really can get help and that it’s something out of her control that has her feeling like this?…  is there any recommended ways or places that I could offer her?  I’ve found some retreats…  know a person who went to Peru I believe for treatment with Ayahuasca.“-

– My input this morning, taking in all the above: (1) the number 1 problem that I see is what you stated early on in your original post, 2nd paragraph: your “co-dependency issue“. You are and have been for a long time, desperately dependent on her, emotionally. There are codependent support groups, Coda (Codependent Anonymous). You can look for support meetings online, perhaps attend one in-person, if such exists in your area.

You are focused on her, as if your survival depends on her staying with you. I suppose that like so many of us, you didn’t exit your childhood years feeling secure. I am guessing that growing up, you experienced some abandonment of the emotional kind, a significant lack of emotional support. Attending quality psychotherapy can provide you with much needed help.

(2) If indeed she and her daughter have no money and nowhere to go, and you are providing a rent-free, expenses-paid home for her and for her daughter, I am guessing that she is, sort of, negotiating with you: she doesn’t want to have physical relationship with you, and knowing how desperately you need her to stay, she figures that you’d let her continue to live in your houses as a friend.

(3) There is no doubt in my mind that her traumatic past plays a major role if her relationship with you, as it played in her past relationships with men and with everyone else. Theocratically, if she receives and participates in quality psychotherapy for a long time, she will be back to loving behaviors with you, and on a consistent, dependable basis, right?

But not necessarily so, since she feels disgust in relation to you as a boyfriend/ lover (you used the word disgust, repeatedly), and has felt this way for some time, on a practical level, the disgust may stick with her regardless of therapy. Similar to a person who feels disgust in relation to a particular food, the disgust tends to stay.

Think of her previous relationships: once she felt disgust with men, she didn’t go back to those men, or if she did, she didn’t stay for long, did she?

In summary: I think that the compassionate thing for you to do in this situation is (1) Exercise empathy for yourself. She needs help, but so do you! Seek help with your codependency, (2)Accept the ending of the romantic- physical relationship with R. Do not offer her to go on spiritual or therapeutic retreats or anything of the kind. Instead, work with her as a friend (and nothing more or less than a friend) to relocate elsewhere, so that she indeed leaves your house and lives with her daughter safely elsewhere.

I hope to read your thoughts about my input after you take some time to consider it. We can continue to communicate on the matter, if you would like to.

anita

Dear Meatball:

I read your post earlier than I intended (not focused tonight, following a hard-working day, etc.), and will re-read and reply attentively and thoroughly tomorrow morning (in about  12 hours from now), but for now: reads to me that she can’t trust anyone, understandably, given her childhood- adolescence experience. She can’t trust anyone or anything. You, and maybe her ex in-laws are the.. least untrustworthy people in her life, so she keeps coming back to you and to them.

If you read this before I return to you, does what I expressed above make sense to you?

anita

Dear gresshoppe:

You are welcome.

“He insisted… I allow myself to get talked into something that doesn’t feel right“- if you explained to him that when pressured (as in someone insisting), you have a tendency to be talked into doing what doesn’t feel right for you, and you point out to him what exactly he said that placed pressure on you.. and then, he does it again and again, then it’d tell you that he cares more about getting his way than about your emotional well-being.

“He insisted… said there is no pressure“- to insist (online definition) is to demand something forcefully, not accepting refusal, and that is pressure. So, he pressured you and then denied that he did…?

anita

Dear Kshitij:

You are very welcome.

“How should I work towards changing/ breaking these thought patterns and resolving the childhood trauma that still causes me so much pain“-  these thought patterns are a habit of the mind, a habit of your brain, that is. It is difficult to change ingrained habits, including mental habits.

One difficulty in changing these distressing mental habits that were formed as a result of you being mistreatment by your father is that every time you talk with him or visit with him, these habits are reinforced. You wrote today (I am adding the boldface feature to the following): “I was at home for a few weeks in March-April and I had a few situations with him, so my thoughts have become more frequent since then“- contact with him, particularly visits with him, breathe life into these thought, as in adding fuel to the thoughts, and the fire intensifies.

Therefore, staying away from him/ having no contact with him is of great value in the process of changing these thought patterns and resolving your childhood trauma, as much as it is possible.

“I read an article at the forum itself which gave me the idea that I am safe even in the moments of intrusive thoughts and they are not going to harm me“- this is part of changing your thought patterns: to understand that thoughts, any kind of thoughts, intrusive or not, are not dangerous. They are harmless mental events that happen in-between our ears and not outside that short distance.

A daily routine of aerobic exercise, mindfulness practices, including watching/ listening to Mindfulness Guided Meditations will help change/ break thought patterns.. over time. A patient, realistic, one-day-at-a-time attitude will help.

“As my best friend put it for me – ‘you think you need to suffer again and again that’s why you drag yourself back to those thoughts and situations'”– your friend has a good point. All abused children automatically believe that they deserve the abuse they received and should indeed suffer. This happens because for a dependent child, it’s safer to view oneself as the one at fault than it is to view the parent as the one at fault. Because if the child is at fault, then there’s something the child can do (to become.. a good girl or boy from now on..). If the parent is at fault, there’s nothing the child can do.

Healing will have to include changing your view and seeing your child-self as the innocent party, and your father- in context of the relationship with you- as the guilty party. (This will not be easy to do).

“At times these memories and thoughts lead me to rage fits, where my anger just seems to be like boiling. Even today before writing this post I had one such instance of rumination which led to me getting enraged over him again“- an abused child is an angry child, understandably. You are an adult, but every adult still has the little abused boy or girl/ abused teenager hurting inside, raging inside.

Expressing your anger in non-destructive way, such as journaling (here or privately) will help.

anita

Dear Lisa:

You are welcome and thank you for your note. It’s a good idea, for me, for others, to re-read these quotes every day, to start each day with “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Absolutely beautiful!

anita

Dear Sha:

You are welcome. You are welcome to post again before your exams, anytime you’d like to share about your struggles and successes and receive my input.

anita