Dear Zenith:

Yes, please do put the techniques into practice. I want to research emotional regulation techniques further tomorrow (Thurs) morning and get back to you on the topic then.

anita

You are welcome, gresshoppe. I am looking forward to reading your new topic!

anita

Dear Kshiti:

“I am not able to get why I am imagining myself in such depressing scenarios now?… I sometimes feel as if ruminating itself is a self destructive activity which I partake and maybe one of the reasons I imagine giving up on my own wellbeing is a lack of self compassion. Please guide.“-

– I just re-read our previous communication and we never talked about your living situation. I wonder if you are living with your parents, and I wonder as to the nature of your relationship with them past and present. I wonder, because learned helplessness often takes place in childhood because of parents/ caregivers not being there for the child, emotionally or physically.

When parents do not regularly/ repeatedly express compassion for the child, the child does not practice self-compassion, doesn’t know how, doesn’t feel deserving of it.

I also wonder about your spine disease while growing up, if debilitating, it in itself is enough to cause learned helplessness in a child, even with supportive parents.

Please share about these topics only if you feel comfortable doing so, and to the extent that you do.

anita

Re-submitted:

Dear IMBACK:

“Maybe I should just let her go… I overthink way too much“- for someone who overthinks way too much,  it is difficult to let go of anything or anyone.

You mentioned overthinking back in Feb- March this year: “I have searched throughout the internet for answers but this just makes me overthink everything…  I overthink everything… Yes, (I) have obsessive thinking and it fits well with the description of having the same occurring thoughts”.

Today, in your second post, you wrote: “It’s like I have to plan everything or worry about something all the time…. I always worried… Do I maybe just need to get a life maybe?“- you need to solve the overthinking problem first.

very well mind/ how to know when you’re overthinking: “Overthinking involves thinking about a certain topic or situation excessively, analyzing it for long periods of time. When you overthink, you have a hard time getting your mind to focus on anything else. It becomes consumed by the one thing you are thinking about…

“Signs of overthinking include: * An inability to think about anything else * Being unable to relax *Constantly feeling worried or anxious * Fixating on things outside of your control * Feeling mentally exhausted * Having a lot of negative thoughts *  Replaying a situation or experience in your mind * Second-guessing your decisions * Thinking of all the worst-case scenarios”.

The last words in your original post today are “my common sense.“- is overthinking helpful when it comes to making sense of things, identifying problems and coming up with practical solutions? Let’s see:

very well mind: “While some people believe that overthinking may be helpful since it involves looking at an issue or problem from nearly every viewpoint possible and anticipating future events, the opposite is true…

”Finding ways to put an end to overthinking can help you take action in your life versus simply thinking about things that are bothering you. Instead of going over something in your mind again and again, you can start to take the steps necessary to resolve the situation.

”Overthinking is different from problem-solving. Overthinking is about dwelling on the problem, while problem-solving involves looking for a solution. Imagine a storm is coming. Here’s an example that shows the difference between overthinking and problem-solving:

* Overthinking: ‘I wish the storm wouldn’t come. It’s going to be awful. I hope the house doesn’t get damaged. Why do these things always have to happen to me? I can’t handle this.’

* Problem-solving: ‘I will go outside and pick up everything that might blow away. I’ll put sandbags against the garage door to prevent flooding. If we get a lot of rain I’ll go to the store to buy plywood so I can board up the windows.’

“Problem-solving can lead to productive action. Overthinking, on the other hand, fuels uncomfortable emotions and doesn’t look for solutions.”

I’d say, IMBACK, that your first priority should be addressing the overthinking problem and replace it with problem-solving, sensible, beneficial thinking. What do you.. think?

anita

Re-submitted:

Dear Kshiti:

You are welcome!

“What scares me is how I visualise myself while imagining what if situations, how I imagine myself weeping in a closed room shutting myself from everything else, with no desire to do anything for self care or for taking myself out of that situation– what you are describing here is depression and helplessness- the feeling that you are unable to help yourself, giving up on trying.

I mentioned helplessness to you back on page 1 of your thread, but I don’t think that I brought up the topic of learned helplessness.

very well mind/ learned helplessness: “Learned helplessness occurs when a person who has experienced repeated challenges comes to believe they have no control over their situation. They then give up trying to make changes and accept their fate. In animals, learned helplessness occurs when an animal is repeatedly subjected to an aversive stimulus that it cannot escape. Eventually, the animal will stop trying to avoid the stimulus and behave as if it is utterly helpless to change the situation. Even when opportunities to escape are presented, this learned helplessness will prevent any action…

”When people feel that they have no control over their situation, they may begin to behave in a helpless manner. This inaction can lead people to overlook opportunities for relief or change… People may be left feeling that no matter what they do or how hard they work, nothing will make a difference…

Edit, last paragraph: How does this relate to you?- — you will have to teach the child-within you emotion regulation. Part of you should be the Parent to the Child part, teach and guide the child-part with empathy and assertiveness, like in the example I gave. The child part (who gets her way sometimes) will learn to tolerate it when she doesn’t get her way (assuming that the other person’s way is not unethical or abusive).

anita

Dear Zenith:

You are welcome (I am still excited about you being back!)

“Do I still do the same thing when I am angry with someone. Like talk to them later instead of that moment ?“- yes, like the saying goes, when your anger is up, your I.Q. is down. So, better to postpone talking until calm, or calmer. Never talk when intensely angry (unless in real-emergency situations, of course).

“Lets say I was angry with my friend. When I calmed down a bit, I thought about it. I told myself that I cannot control who my friend interacts with“- what you did here is a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) technique: you came up with an accurate, realistic thought (you really can’t control who she interacts with). When we replace inaccurate/ unrealistic thoughts with accurate, realistic thoughts, we feel better about the situation. This CBT technique of replacing thoughts can be part of the Address (the situation) step of the NPARR.

“then I told myself I have to trust her and let it be. But the thought of losing my friend or losing control over her made me cry“- if the thought crosses your mind, at times, that you can control her (not necessarily in these words), then this is an inaccurate/ unrealistic thought that you can replace with I cannot control her. Repeat the accurate thought while taking slower breaths, relaxing a bit.

“Another case was disagreements between my husband and I. I wanted to do something in a different way than he thought, but still he did it in his own way, that just made me angry. I get angry when things don’t go my way.”– this makes me think of a kid in a supermarket, wanting this or that to be purchased for him, or her, and when the parent refuses, the child gets angry, falls to the ground and throws a temper tantrum. In this case, what would a good parent do? Respond to then child with a mix of empathy and assertiveness: lower to the child’s level and say with a strong voice (not yelling), something like: I understand that you are upset and we will talk about it when we get home, but right now, I need you to get up, to quiet down and quietly leave the supermarket with me. It is not okay to make all this noise in a public place, to disturb the peace of all these good people around.

How does this relate to you?- — you will have to teach the child-within you emotion regulation. Part of you should be the Parent to the Child part, teach and guide the child-part with empathy and assertiveness, like in the example I gave. The child part (who gets her say sometimes) will learn to tolerate it when she doesn’t get her way (assuming that the other person’s way is not unethical or abusive).

anita

Dear Zenith:

Emotion regulation can not be achieved by making a decision, or by reading anything, including my posts. This is so because our emotional reactions to situations (such as your strong, angry emotional reaction to being ignored/ not being prioritized) is a biochemical habit, meaning, when you are ignored, or you perceive that you are ignored, certain chemicals (neurotransmitters) are released in the brain, and other chemical (hormones) are released into your blood, and these chemicals create your emotional experience.

* I am not a scientist, so I am sure that my explanation above is simplistic, but in principle it’s correct.

You cannot stop these chemicals from being released in your body by making a decision or reading this post. The way to change these biochemical reactions is to commit to the slow, intentional process required day after day, persistently, and over time. There will be regressions, but you’ll need to not give up.

I too used to lash out at people, but guess what? I didn’t lash out at anyone for the last 7 years or so, not even once!

The process starts with the Notice I mentioned above, then the Pause, and next, once you are alone for a moment, take a few slow breaths (and, if possible,  take a hot shower, or listen to music, something that will calm you down)- calm down before you think. There is a saying: when your anger goes up, your I.Q goes down. You can’t think intelligently when angry, or as I like to say, when you are under the influence of anger.

So, you calm down,  and when you are calm, Address (the situation) think: what happened? Define the problem in the situation and think of a rational solution or solutions to the problem. Put a timeline to the solutions, ask yourself: is there something I need to do now? Today? Make a solution plan, write it down perhaps.

If you are not sure about what happened, make a plan to ask or otherwise find out what happened, if it’s possible.

Next, Respond (or not): according to the solutions you came up with, do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done. Sometimes nothing needs to be said or done, so you don’t.

And lastly, Redirect: direct your attention elsewhere.

I call the above strategy NPARR (Notice, Pause, Address, respond-or-not, Redirect).

Mindfulness is a huge part of modern psychotherapy: it’s about paying attention/ focusing on the present moment and living intentionally (instead of living in the past and on automatic). Mindfulness practice, over time, changes the biochemical habits I mentioned above.

anita