Happy Birthday, Shelby!!! 🙂

B

Hi John,

Sorry you’re struggling today. There’s another thread called Struggling to accept breakup & future where a member named “X” shared the below post. By clicking on the link you’ll be able to follow member Brav3’s journey and transformation following a devastating breakup. Start with Brav3’s first post and then make your way up the list to his last. A lot of good stuff here, John! Thank you, X!

I would like to share with you a few posts by and with a member from over a year ago. He went through similar things (it does help to know that others have been through it, doesn’t it?), discovered some things and even posted his suggestions in a separate thread. Something tells me you might find all of the useful. There is a lot on the grief process and SELF-LOVE and BEING WHOLE ON ONE’S OWN.

Here is his profile page with topics started: https://tinybuddha.com/members/brav3/topics/

B

Hi Shelbyville,

I’ve been where you are, so identified with the voice in my head and the emotions that come with it that I’d forgotten how to be happy. I think it happens to most people at some point in their lives. I understand how you feel. This guy is amazing and you want to be with him. You are totally broken-hearted and experiencing great loss. Sad and painful, devastating, I know.

You have two choices: 1) You can relive this awful event again and again, keep telling yourself how lacking your life is now, keep replaying this sad story of yours, and keep yourself closed off from life (from traveling, etc.), or 2) you can stop resisting and instead surrender, accept everything that has happened, and re-open yourself to all that’s beautiful about life.

From reading some of your posts on that other thread my impression of you is that you are smart, compassionate, level-headed, loyal, caring, honest, humble, and grateful. That’s what I see in you.

I’ve experienced disappointing setbacks in my life, as we all have because setbacks are a part of life, but right now where I am it is sunny and cool with a slight breeze in the air and I’m not going to waste this day thinking about my setbacks. If life were always easy we would never become the strong, resilient people we are meant to be. This is your time, girl! Time to see what you’re made of, to see what you got!

B 🙂

Hi Priya,

It’s unfortunate that it happened but don’t lose sleep over this. There may be a few whispers about this incident but they won’t last long. Gossip about a teacher that sticks involves some kind of wrongdoing on the teacher’s part, but you’ve done nothing wrong. For example, if you showed up at a school basketball game after having too much to drink and fell over courtside, that’s gossip that would stick. If you were having an extramarital affair with another teacher, that also would stick. The incident that happened to you today won’t stick. By week’s end or before, it’s old news.

Everyone urinates. Everyone poops. Boring.

B

Amma,

It breaks my heart to read what you’re going through. I am so sorry.

(((((((Amma)))))))

B

Hi Dee,

You’re tired of heartbreaks and want to find Mr. Right. You’ve been seeing a man for a year. You love him but he’s been unemployed the entire time you’ve been with him.

How is he paying his bills? Are you helping him?

If you plan to have children with him, he’ll need to be able to provide for them. If it turns out that he is unable to do so, all of the burden will be on you. Be smart about this. Do not agree to marry him until he has sorted out his professional life.

You are disappointed that a man of 32 years old hasn’t made rational career choices. You ask What more can I do? I don’t think there’s much more you can do other than to trust your instincts.

B

Hi Risha,

I haven’t read this entire thread carefully but I have read many of your posts carefully and this is my humble opinion…

This guy is angry. He’s angry because his parents control his life. Since he has no control over his own life, he wants to control yours, and so far he’s done a pretty good job of that. He was with you for many years, strung you along. He knew early on that the relationship wasn’t going to lead to marriage even though you were hopeful it would. He knew that in your/his culture women are expected to marry young, but he’s a selfish, self-serving, angry guy and chose to disregard that. He used you. He used your money, your love, and other things too I bet, and he knows it. You were what he wanted (and perhaps still wants) but he’s not in control of his life; his parents are. He could have chosen to do the right thing by ending the relationship early on so that you’d have a better chance at finding a good decent man in your country to marry, but he didn’t. He didn’t want a good decent man to find you. He couldn’t bear you falling in love with someone else. He was not looking out for your best interests; he was looking out for his.

So now the time has come when he wishes to marry, so he broke up with you. And you are devastated because you always thought that when the time came for him to marry he’d choose you. So he tells you he wants two things from you: 1) your forgiveness and 2) for you to marry someone else. Let’s first look at #2. After a seven year relationship with this guy you are now 39 years old and in your culture women are expected to marry in their early twenties. So this means that in order to find a husband in your country, it’s highly likely that you’ll be forced to settle for someone you’d never be interested in marrying. And you know what? That’s what he wants! He’s so unhappy with his own predicament and he can’t bear the thought of you finding a good decent man and being happy when he isn’t. The thought of you marrying someone you truly love terrifies him. And now to #1, he wants you to forgive him for all this so that he doesn’t feel any guilt? What???

I believe that he intended for you and him to keep in contact while you’re both married to less desirable partners because, face it, without you who will he turn to when he needs money (and other things)? This is why he wants your forgiveness. I believe that he did not expect that you would cut him off (block him, etc.) and try to move on, and that has him panicked. That was not in his grand plan. So in one day he makes over 100 calls to you, tries to contact your mom to tell her lies about you, blames you for different things, all because what he wants to happen isn’t happening at all, and he is punishing you for that. You’re dealing with a very controlling man who can’t control anything right now.

In my culture, people marry whomever they wish to marry regardless of what their parents want. They sometimes marry early in life and sometimes later in life. They marry for love. I know several women who are in their mid-fifties who are single and dating and doing just fine. Some are divorced, some have never married, one is widowed. They are all living their own lives, dating whom they wish to date, having fun, living their lives. At one point I believe you discussed an interest in relocating overseas. Perhaps you’ll chose a country with a culture more like mine when it comes to marriage.

Lastly, don’t assume that this guy is happy just because his facebook photos/posts indicate that he is. He’s not fooling anyone.

B

Excellent contribution, Valora!! 🙂

B